Rogue,

You have had a tough time you need to realize what is done is done.

Do not question your ability as a father. Do not consider yourself a failure.

http://www.counselingforloss.com/article8.htm

Read this link.

It is very good. Some people only look at the grief process as it concerns to death. This article explains what happens after the 5 normal steps of grief.

The last is reinvesting in the new reality.

You need to come to terms with what your new reality is. You are now a single father.

Reinvest in that. What can you do to enjoy yourself? What can you do to make yourself a better father?(not that you are not a good one) but you can always get better.

Did you give up a hobby or a passion while married? Pick it up again.

You now have time to seperate yourself as a single person.

BTW get rid of the lamp. Go to IKEA and get a 5 dollar lamp then take the other one outside and take a big hammer to it. It will feel great.

All you can do is make yourself better. Good luck.

I've been struggling with sadness the past couple days. There is this terribly strong urge to call her so I can find out how she's doing and so I can tell her about my new job and such. But I don't want to talk to her. I don't want to know how she's doing. I don't care to know. Anytime I ask her how she's doing, she makes it a point to tell me about how happy she is now, and I just can't stand that.

How do I do this? How do I move on? How do I get over this? I've never had to let go like this before... I don't know how. It hurt so bad last night that I cried on my mother's shoulder.. I haven't done that since I was a little boy. I feel so little right now, and it's infuriating while being so saddening at the same time.

Even work hasn't been able to keep me from thinking about things... it's been nothing but mindless work, or work that allows for multitasking, and so she's been on my mind all day. I really, really hate it.

*sigh*

Get your mind busy. Realy busy.

Your chore for now is to do something that requires a great deal of focus. Here is a link

www.websudoku.com

You really have to concentrate on these things. If you have never done one learn how.

You are being triggered as well like crazy. Every where you turn there she is. Start getting rid of the triggers you can.

Do something completely and totally exhausting. Go hit a heavy bag until you are exhausted. Run until you can't run anymore. Jump rope. I don't care just exhaust all of your energy today.

What you are going through now sucks but you will come out better for this if you give yourself a chance.

It will take time.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((RX))))))))))))))))))))))))))

HL's right! That was part of the reason I took on the garage project, turning it into a workshop.

What's your passion? What are you good at doing? I love working with wood. What do you love doing?

What about painting, rearranging the house? Do you live in an apt., mobile home, what?

Are you on AD's? I read that you were right? you may want to call your dr. and see about the dose!

RX, best thing for you is to get busy...exercise...anything!

Hi, Rogue.

I wish I had better advice or something to post for you, but all I really have is some empathy. Particularly with the "how do I let go and move on" question.

It's amazing that we still hold on to the love we have for someone who has the capacity to do what our WS's have done -- to us and to our kids. But it's still there, and it's not so easy to just get rid of it, turn it off. If it was, it probably wouldn't have been real love, would it?

I think the fact that we still hold on to that shows that we have real love. The rare kind that is chosen and committed to and forever. And something we should be proud of .... even though it's paralyzingly painful when it gets stomped on by the WS.

You are a great dad. You could be out there just enjoying yourself and flitting around and not caring about your child, just like your WW is. But you're not, you're making a way for him, and making it work, even when it takes a lot of sacrifice. That's what makes you a great dad, and those are the things your son will remember. You're the example for the kind of man he will become, and right now you're setting a great example.

I'm not totally caught up on your sitch -- have you or your WW filed for D? If you're not ready for that, have you considered at least filing separation and getting a parenting plan in place? Your WW should be helping with the expenses of the child, which would include daycare. Although it's pretty great that your IL's can step in and help. That family bond is so important for kids, I think. Maybe you'd be able to reduce the number of days per week that he has to stay up there if you had some child support coming in from WW?

I'm not sure, just trying to come up with some ideas. Maybe the in-laws could come stay with you part of the time? Could you move to another part of town that is closer to them so the drive wouldn't be so burdensome, but still also close enough to your job? Then you could at least go up and see him a night or two during the week. What about a day a week of working from home (their home)? Do you have an extra room in the house? Maybe a roomate (someone you know and trust, obviously!) could help with some of the bills, so that you could afford daycare near you? Any options through your work, with a flex-spending plan (money taken out of your check pre-taxes to use for daycare) or other daycare assistance?

You can figure something out, and for now, spending time with his grandparents is probably great for him. So don't be too hard on yourself. I like your plans for improvements ... keep up with those! Give yourself something to be proud of and happy about .... and something to think about besides WW! (I know, that's much easier said than done sometimes!).

Hang in there.

-AmI.


ps -- for the sleeping thing, my Dr. had me start taking my AD's at night, right before bed. Not sure if that will help you nod off earlier or not, but it seems to work for me.
a~

So, where are you? What's going on?

Oh, well, I just wanted to check on you!

I'm wishing you the best night! Take care!

Why is this so hard? I've been doing well during the days for the most part, but I've been dreaming of her at night! And, right now, I am fighting the urge to call her so I can find out how she's doing.

I had to drive past her place today and started feeling nervous and gittery. For some reason, I imagined her and her new boyfriend in her room doing all sorts of things together, and I just wanted to run up to the window and yell in 'Are you having fun with my wife?'

Why do I think things like that? Why do I want so badly to tell her new boyfriend that she's dating a married mother who is a serial cheater, to his face, with her there to see and hear it?

Why do I want so badly to call her up right now to see how she's doing? Why do I want to know at all about how 'happy' she is and how 'well' she and her 'boyfriend' are doing?

Why is this so damn hard?

(((((RX)))))

I'm so sorry.... I know it's hard.
If it was easy to turn off that love, then you'd be a WS.

Hang in there. What are you doing for you? What can you do in the evenings to distract you from thinking about her?

Are you into sports? How about a league or something? Maybe some night classes at a nearby college? Something that takes a lot of concentration or physical exertion .... at least it would help for a while -- give you something else to focus on.

I'm repeating what I've been told --- you HAVE to take good care of YOU.

You can do it. Hang in there.

-AmI.

AmI should know RX...it's the first step...making yourself a priority!

Did you give it some thought about what you could be doing for yourself? This is where we left off last time, right before you asked for hugs!

What are you doing with your time?

RX,

Would you consider you've experienced shock...where you are right now is not where you ever imagined...and driving past her place would have your fear leaping above your head...shock does that...what's next? What else will swing out at me and hurt like heck?

Fear doesn't recognize where we've been or what we've lived through...fear goes around, shortcuts and lives on the cusp of the future...you'll know fear within your thoughts when you hear "What if" and "If only". Addressing our fear is stating truth...right now, I'm safe. I'm alive. I'm intact.

And you are.

Exercise your control...by knowing your choices. You are choosing these thoughts instead of sending them on when they enter your head...choose wisely. Choose that which does not feed your fear--no more nourishing it through imagination and non-present living. Do not reward it through DJs...assumptions that she is happy or not...and know your payoff in obsessing on HER is so you don't see yourself clearly right now.

There's a real payoff in keeping your focus on yourself...not your fear...I hope you'll find it and see it for what it is...a beautiful you. More than capable, whole and able...truly adequate for living right now.

I had no idea I was in control of my own thoughts...they came, I pondered...I was a slave to them...learning I choose them, what stays and is pondered and what is not...really gave me my power base...which I had all along and didn't know it...felt powerless most of the time.

Who wouldn't?

Practice catching your thoughts within the first ten seconds...raise your own awareness...and when you think of her, put her out of your mind immediately...there won't be time, if you do this, for your brain to then hand you a lot of emotions associated with the thought.

Focus on acting honorably toward yourself...vow to not stab yourself (feels like indulging then stabbing) by allowing your thoughts to dwell where you have no real knowledge.

LA

Rogue,

It is hard because you love her.

Love does not die quickly and painlessly. When love dies it is slow and painful especially when it is not in your heart to let it die. Some will say love never dies.

My mother and father got divorced when I was 13 years old. My mom has really helped me through this thing. She has been my rock. She could see my pain and anguish and she knew/knows I love my FWW. Imagine my suprise when she told me in her heart she will always carry a love for my father. He was the father of her children and he was a very big part of her life for a long time. She does not love him like when they were married but the common bond was always there.

What changed she told me was that her love for him was toxic and no good for her. That is when she decided to leave the man she loved.

I think I read it here that the opposite of love is not hate it is indifference. How can anyone truly be indifferent to the mother of their child. Somewhere you have to care about them because you care about your children.

It is always harder to move on when you don't have someone or something to move on to. Your WW right now isn't experiancing what you are because she has something to move on to.

I am not suggesting you find someone to move onto but maybe something.

You are 28 years old. There have to be things that you have wanted to do but haven't. I personally want to dive with sharks. Find something you have put on the back burner and put it on the front and turn up the heat a little.

You know they say the best revenge is living a wonderful life.

Right now you may not know or realize it but you are feeding into your WW. She may want you to chase and feel bad because it makes her feel good about herself.

You should go into a dark plan B or maybe even plan D. Start enjoying the life that you have. Go to the driving range, go to the go cart place and drive like a mad man. Pick up boxing or judo or ballet. Do something instead of sitting there thinking things are so bad for you.

My FWW was reading a book called "It is not about ME" In it there was a story of a man dying of cancer. He was a man of faith and he prayed and stayed happy. He went through chemo and medication and still he was dying. he questioned why god would do that to him, did he not pray enough was he not good enough. Then someone said "it's not about you". God had a plan for you. The nurse that was treating you was depressed and down and considering suicide. When she saw how happy and positive you were and how much you wanted to live it turned her life around. You were an example to her and others and that is what your faith has led too.

Now you can do the same. It is not about you. This is about your WW what you can do is show others that no matter how bad you think it is it can be better.

You can try to find the good in every day. You can try to find the positive.

HL- That was beautiful! Thank you for sharing the story!

RX...HL had been an inspiration to me...it's things like this that has helped me walk into a better life.

I have found that people come and go in our lives for a reason. We may not understand the reason when they are "taken" from us. It may me years later before we come to that understanding. In all cases, I feel that we have to ask ourselves, what did I learn from this person? How can I be a better person for having known this person?

I think it's what we learn and how we use what we learn that's important! I can honestly say that I AM a better person because of my "lessons."

What do you choice to do with your? YOUR choice, YOUR actions, not reactions...

LA.. thank you. I know I should have the ability to control my own thoughts.. I just can't figure out how. What do you do? Really? Just force yourself to think about something else? How do you do it? I just don't understand...

HL.. I do still love my WW. Even though I despise what she's done, I can't stop loving her. I wouldn't say that I'm still IN love with her anymore, but I do still care about her dearly. And no matter how many times I say that I am 100% done with her, I do still wish things could be better and I could have my family back in one piece and happy.

The only reason I haven't picked anything up yet is because of a simple lack of funds. That problem should soon be remedied though, and I'll get started doing the things I want to do. I know that, eventually, things will get easier and things will get better... I guess I'm just impatient.

Rin... I hope that this life lesson leaves me with new knowledge and not deep scars. I can already see how it's potentially damaged my ability to trust, especially women. I don't like that. I just want to be whole again. Right now I feel like an empty shell.

Thank you all. I know I'm a pain in the ol' buttocks. I'm stubborn and impatient at the same time. And for some reason I view this as some huge injustice because she is 'happy' and not alone, and I am not happy and alone. I also catch myself dwelling on the fact that she said 'we just need to both be single for awhile' and then she turns around and has a new boyfriend after less than 5 months. I want to yell at her about that, but it won't do any good.. it'll only make me feel more angry and her feel more entitled.

I feel so worthless sometimes.

(((LA, HL, Rin group hug)))

Only you have that choice...you can choice not to heal, not to use your new knowledge...not to teach your son healthy life skills...that's your choice...your choice WILL affect your son...


Just because YOU don't feel whole doesn't mean your not...you're there...all of you...I promise!


DJ... Do you know about disrespect judgements yet? I don't consider you a pain...and this negative self talk WILL NOT move you forward...you do not want any 2x4 coming your way...

I'm not bashing you...I'm just sharing what I see...


It's good that you are aware of this about yourself. Perhaps you should visit LA's Owning your villagers exercise...it might help you know more about why you are like this...

With that...I would like to say that at some point you are going to have to stop feeling sorry for yourself...this is not healthy for you...you need GREAT self care...if not for you, then for your son!

Like LA says...in your corner...reminding you about what you already know! YOU already have everything you need...within you...

First off I am not hugging you. I have this thing about hugging guys. All the sudden my Step dad wants hugs. WTF is that about. I hug my boys. I give my brother the one arm, chest bump manly psuedo hug. But I am not hugging a guy. Wish my Step dad knew the one arm chest bump manly psuedo hug thing. Plus the guy has a huge belly. Oh I digress.


Umm here is a 2x4 for you. That is a BS excuse. I am going to kick you while you are down until it hurts so much you stand the heck up. LOL.

The best things in life are free. I am broke as all get up. So I have taken up Sudoku. I play it online and it is free.

I can go to the park and shoot some hoops again free. I can grab a fishing pole and some worms, pretty darn cheap. (I already have a pole)

I could build models but I don't have the darn patience or dexterity for that one. But you could.

I could volunteer at a soup kitchen.

I could volunteer to be the CPR dummy for the class they are having at hooters this weekend. (wait that isn't real that was the dream I had last night)

I could even go to the park pick up rocks and practice skipping them across the lake.

Just some suggestions but remember the CPR thing is already taken by me.

HL- I'm going to start wondering about your wiring in a minute! LMAO

You Goose!

RX- Around here you may not have a choice but to stand UP! LMAO

So I went out to the bar tonight with a roommate, so we could meet up with a bunch of friends. It was sort of a night of celebration after getting my first real check from my new job. There were lots of people there, including some we didn't expect and whom we hadn't seen in a long time. So that was enjoyable. Only problem was that it was Karaoke night, and everyone was up there singing love songs. So it was a fight to try and keep from being down, but with so many friends there it wasn't impossible.

I met up with an old, old friend and chatted with her for awhile about things... she knew I had gotten married and knew I'd gotten separated, but didn't know how long I'd been married nor that I had a son. So it was good to play catch-up. I admit that I allowed myself to flirt some--it made me feel good, especially since it wasn't rejected out of turn. I'm not really sure if that's right or not, but like I said, it made me feel good so I am not going to judge myself on it.

As far as my wife is concerned, our marriage is finished. As far as I am concerned, I don't want her back, and we're going to get a divorce. However, we are not divorced yet, and I (unlike her) will respect that. I will not date anyone or sleep with anyone until my divorce is final, but that doesn't mean that I should just ignore people until then, just that I have to be patient.

Now, before I do it, I want to ask... is it okay for me to vent here, so long as I try and do my best to censor myself? I have some things that need to be said.. things that I would say to her but shouldn't, and therefore won't.. but things that need to be said nontheless. I just don't want anyone to be offended by my words. I think I'll feel better after the venting.

Anyway, I'm just babbling. That's my update for the night.

She came by again today. She called first. It shook me up, to hear her voice. I'm not sure why. I had to take a few minutes to sit and relax before she got here... I kept telling myself that I just needed to act fine, like nothing was bothering me. That I needed to act like I was okay, and that I wasn't bothered by her anymore. I was so nervous at the thought of seeing her again.

Then she came by, and everything was fine. I was okay. I didn't have to pretend. That was great. However now, after she said 'give me a call if you want to hang out or something,' I find myself being weak. I want to call her and say 'yeah, what did you have in mind?'

Should I do that? Should I hang out with her some? Should I see what happens? Or should I just continue to stay away and work on the Divorce?

I don't know what to do! I don't know what I want! Pleaaaaseeeee! Why can't this be easy? LOL

I think I've asked that same question about a million times! I wish it could be easy!

If you're seeing her and having regular contact with her, then you're probably not in Plan B .... which means you should be Plan-A'ing like crazy.

So I'd give her a call sometime and take her out. Don't put any pressure on yourself -- or her. Just have some fun, laugh, play, enjoy it. Remind her of the things she used to enjoy with you.

When are you planning on going to Plan B?


And I think it's more than fine to vent here, probably a good place to do it.

-AmI.

Well, I'm not in regular contact with her at all. I saw her today, last time I spoke to her in any way was about 2 1/2 weeks ago.

And... for some reason I don't feel right taking her out while knowing that she has a 'new boyfriend'. It's not like I feel like I'm intruding on their 'relationship'--to be sure, it's exactly the opposite--but it just feels wrong to be around her at all while she's still doing those sorts of things.

*sigh*