I think M and I just broke up.

A couple of months ago, I said the "L" word. He didn't say he loved me back. Well, fine. Okay. But, I've been falling in deeper and deeper, and he's not in love with me.

Tonight I explained my emotions were getting very intense and that it scared me and frustrated me. M. suggests that I stop fighting my emotions and just see where they take me. But a few minutes later, he says if I'm "looking for specifics, he can't tell me them." And that he's not the kind of person to give specifics about how he feels.

Some people have said it's obvious how he feels because he's taking me to Paris. Or he was. But, really, what does that mean? It means he wants to have me on the trip, not that it's as special to him as it would be to me.

I need someone who is in love with me, and can tell me that at least once. And after ten months, if someone isn't in love, I'm not sure it's going to happen.

Anyway, I was dreadfully hurt and after taking a few mintues to think about it, I realized I would be on the brink of tears for the rest of the night and I asked him to leave because I needed to think. He left pretty angry at me.

Maybe I made a horrible mistake. I just don't think I can take going to Paris with someone I'm in love with who doesn't love me back.

Awwww, I'm sorry.
I understand how yuo feel, I am in a similar situation and don't know that I'm in a position to offer advice, but I can offer you compassion. It sucks to be on your end of things. You (we all) need and deserve to know you are loved. If you were to "settle" you might end up resenting the situation later. I hope things work out for you.

Thanks, Bluerskies. I don't think "comfortable" is quite enough. And unrequited love stinks.

(((((GG)))))

Hey, If I can get a passport soon enough, maybe I can go to Paris w/ you. In a strictly platonic way, of course.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

And even if M isn't sure he loves you, I do.

You are special. Don't ever believe you aren't

And none of that helps how you feel right now. I know that. But I am sorry it came to this.

Sorry, GG

It seems (regardless love or not, that itself can be 'misleading'...) he doesn't satisfy some of your ENs...?

GG~~

I'm sorry to read your post. It has seemed liked this relationship was going so well.

I understand where you're coming from. I would feel the same.

I'm not sure that this conversation will be the last one you have with him. You may have given him something to think about. Perhaps you meant more to him than "the specifics" that he claims he can't give.

Either way, you deserve to be loved, to be shown love, and to be told you are loved.

Thinking of you.
K!

GG - as was stated above...you don't want to settle. He seemed to be a nice guy and you two did quite a bit together. For him to not say he loves you is very important. In any relationship that I am in...I want to hear the words I Love You and the sparkle in their eyes. This I do believe is an emotional need of women.

I do believe you gave him something to think about...and he will probably return to discuss this further. He might of felt like he was being pushed...to say I Love You, Not Sure!

To go to Paris...would be exciting, the sights and the love in the air. I personally would not want to go with someone who cannot say they love me.

As we are older, we are more intuned to our needs and feelings. When we were younger...the lust was there and the wonderment of how would it be to be with someone 24/7? To grow with this person? How would it be to be married? Since we all were in these shoes at one time...we don't have to put them on to see how it feels. Now we are looking for that deep connection that will make us a unit of 1. To love a person wholeheartedly and to have the same feelings returned.

((((HUGS)))) to you and my prayers. Blessings.

Hi Greengables,

I'm sorry you feel bad. I'm going through the same thing right now. One of the things that I would say is that he may not be saying that he loves you but taking you to Paris sure sounds like he does. In my case, she says she loves me but her actions tell me differently. Hope it works out for you so that you both get what you need! Planned on posting my situation but had to respond to yours first. Ask yourself whether or not you would be able to live with him not being able to say how he feels and if not, then it might not work for you. Relationships shouldn't be one-sided. Good luck and let us know what happens.

Well, Cinders, I'd go to Paris with you, but I can't. No money. M was treating. So, unless you can move to the East and hook up with M, you're out of luck.

B2M, I think M did a great job at meeting my emotional needs. I don't think I meet his as well which would explain why he's not in love with me. My problem is first it's increasingly difficult to be with someone who doesn't love you back. And second, intellectually and in my gut, I know if I can't meet his needs enough now, there would be an insurmountable amount of work.

Meeting needs in a manner that runs counter to who you are is so difficult and tiring. In the end, I'd end up resenting him.

Karona, Maybe, M did feel pressure. I hope not. I didn't mean to put pressure on him.

Greengables,

My heart goes out to you. You have been such a good friend to all of us here. Hang in there....

Thanks, BHINWI. You know, I'm starting to feel a little better about this. Well, not really. I still feel sick to my stomach.

However, I do need to hear those words, and M said he could go into specifics, and that's just not who he is. Basically, he told me he'd never go into specifics. However, unless I get specifics like how he feels about me, what he wants from life, etc, I have NO IDEA. Generalities only tell me so much. They are evasive. Maybe I'm not the one most afraid of commitment in this relationship.

For as much as I can be jaded, cynical and skeptical, I really want the fairy tale. I want the fall in love and live happily ever after. I want it to be true even while the part of me that was almost snuffed out in marriage remains in doubt.

I'm surprised at how much I hurt.

LOL. It's been about 3 years since I've been in any real emotional pain. I seem to have lost my callouses.

{{{{GG}}}}

I'm so sorry you're in pain.

I'm also sorry to hear M doesn't feel able to give you what you feel you need.

Like the others I too feel this isn't over. Do you think he'll just walk without another word?

When you talk about "specifics" what exactly are you referring to?

{{{{{GG}}}}}

P.S. Do you want those emotional callouses back?

GG ~ I too am very sorry for your pain. Been there, done that too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Here's the thing: IF WORDS CANNOT MATCH ACTIONS & ACTIONS CANNOT MATCH WORDS, THEN WE REALLY DON'T HAVE THE REAL DEAL DO WE?

So, about going to Paris...that doesn't prove anyone loves anyone. And if he said he loved you, but mistreated you, again, there's no real love there. ACTIONS + WORDS = REAL LOVE!!

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling bad about this relationship. I hope it works out.
You put yourself out there again and that is brave. Your callouses being absent means that you have grown past that phase.
Continue to be open about the newest stage.

GG~
Not my intent. When I said that perhaps you gave him something to think about, I didn't mean pressuring him into saying what you're needing to hear.

My intent was, that perhaps he will see your relationship differently with the knowledge he now has of your feelings for him and that he may not be willing to let that go.

Time, of course, will tell. I still think there will be a continuatin of this recent conversation.

Update us please.
Thinking of you.

K!

Thanks for the condolences, everyone. M did reply to my email. Here’s his email.
Now that I’ve read it a few times, I wondering if it isn’t a tad manipulative. See what you think.
>I think you are not giving things time to happen, you know I care for you
>very much, as to love, well, we could debate that until the cows come
>home, not sure if I know exactly what it is, I am still learning that....I
>cannot control (nor do I want to) how you feel, I just do not understand
>why you seem so eager to throw it all away....I just don't know....seems
>like I am turing into the bad guy in this, not sure what I have done to
>deserve that

And yes, I do sort of wish I had the callouses back. LOL. And nams, he said “specifics” which in context seemed to mean specifics about how he felt about me, what he was thinking through when it came to us, and what this “plan” was that he had. However, I’m guessing.

His response is short and limited. I find it hard to interpret.

Good Luck.

I had responded to his remarks but it wouldn't post. arg!

It's hard to fully understand his remarks when we don't know what you'd said to him in your email.

I agree with newly his response was short & limited & hard to interpret.

One part sounded victim like - the part about him turning into the bad guy.

Another sounded like a guy who doesn't want to commit - the bit about not knowing what love is...still learning... sounds like weasle talk.

The part about eager to throw away... that sounds manipulative.

But out of context it's hard to say for sure.

I'm a fan of short, simple discussions. Know what you want for yourself & from him & state that clearly. Listen to his response for non-commital talk or evassive language. To me that would mean perhaps he's a renter & happy with that.

The email I sent basically laid out in simple language that I felt in love and that it was painful to me that he didn't feel the same way. I said I wasn't sure about how to handle the situation but I wanted the best for each of us.

Anywho... M's not much of a writer. I think we'll need to talk in person. I just need to think what I want.

My sister had a wise suggestion. She suggested I cut back seeing M to only 2-3 times a week instead of the 2-5 times a week. I noticed this suggestion has been made to others on this very board, and people have had positive results.

I think I'll give it another two months rounding out the year, if M is willing. Then, I too may see if the forest.

Hehe, I am probably one of the "others", and there is some benefit to this approach - it tends to reduce the pressure or intensity, and lets you look at things outside of the heat of the moment. Having said that, it usually does not change much, other than to let you see things more clearly.


But, as long as you enjoy seeing him, then maybe that is a good approach - why hurry? My only concern is with kids getting attached more and more to the SO.

AGG