Oh that's funny! I have heard that a million times but some how seeing the way you typed it, I read it different. Spoil my fun.....darn! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

GG, Hope things work for ya, I will try to read a little more about yours and M's story this week.

Anna

Manyh of us here have very similar X's.

Huh? You all got to connect through sex? You're lucky. LOL.

More and more, I realize that those of us who've been here for a looong time pre-divorce, divorce and even post-divorce married people with MAJOR issues. There's a group of us for whom the MB principles didn't and couldn't have work, and our spouses have very similar traits.

GG, I agree, and it helps to know that we aren't the only ones.

BTW, without connections elsewhere, the S*X connection fell apart quickly too.

GG,

This statement is nagging at me lately. I don't mean to put a damper on things and tried hard to leave it alone but it kept creeping into my thoughts when I would come on here.

I guess I just don't see this as the POJA you see it as. When it comes to honesty and openness, I don't think a person can negotiate that in the way he has, in other words, him saying, "I'll be more open about my feelings towards you but will not give up my secrets of the past." Just doesn't seem like a negotiation. It's just my opinion though, and there are some things going on in my own life that is kind of distracting me...anyway, I'd like to here what others think about this and will maybe comment more when I can clear my own mind.

Take care,

Anna

Hey GG;

"Apparently, one shouldn't assume that just because the other person does say "ILY" back, it means they don't feel those feelings."

Just curious, does this mean that he was somehow able to tell you that he does love you? How will that work going forward?

I'm not really a gushy gal, but lets say once a month or so I kinda need to hear it. Its just sorta worked itself out that he says it often enough, and shows with his actions every day -- so we aren't one of those couples that need to coo on the phone everytime we talk.

Do you think that M will work harder to express his feelings?
I'm glad its working itself out!

Anna, I’m not sure if honesty can be negotiated. It’s a little more absolute. But, openness can, especially when it’s not in the top five needs. I see it this way: M feels the past is the past. Talking about past relationships means not only disclosing his past but that of the women he dated. There’s a really fine line there. I find myself walking it with regards to my X all the time. What can I honorably share with M and what would violate the trust between two people who were married? There are certain vulnerabilities I know about B that I would never in a million years share with M, therefore there are a couple of events in my past I really don’t want to talk about with M.

Also, I put more emphasis on openness about the present than the past. Then, again, I’m not your typical woman. Openness and Honesty don’t rank high on my list of ENs. It may be 6, 7, or 8. Being that low means a man doesn’t have to meet it exactly the way I want every time. M meets that need about 95% of the time, and I never feel he’s being dishonest.

I think it’s important to keep in mind that until about three months ago, M and I took things very slowly. We limited out time together to when I didn’t have the children with the exception of two evenings when we had dinner together. Even after that, M and I don’t spend much time together when I have the girls, and even those weekends when I don’t have them, we have our own houses and errands to take care of. In many respects, M and I are behind AGG and G on the relationship continuum even though we’ve been dating about the same amount of time. For right now, we seem to be making progress.

Lexxxy, I think M meant that he has feelings for me, and he might be in love and he doesn’t really know. M usually speaks in terms of “one” on sensitive issues. Every once in a while I call him on it for fun. The other day, I simply followed his template when talking about myself. I don’t think I need to hear it a lot either. Maybe once a month. My FOO doesn’t say it a lot to each other. My brother and sister and I know we love each other. If we actually said it, we might think one of us was dying.

Funny about saying ILY to family members. I tell my boys each night I love them. I just over the past two year tell my father. Tell my sisters? I think we'd all die on the spot.