Thanks I appreciate it.

Ark - thank you for saying what needed to be said.

i definitely agree with ark on this one. I have had the exact same thing happen in my marriage. after kids, my sex drive went down and I didn't get help. I told my husband over and over that i loved him and that my sex drive should not make him feel rejected. Now I am here as a betrayed spouse. i am not saying that I am at fault for his affair, but i was not meeting his emotional needs. When I look back on it, he was not meeting mine either. Talking about it now, he didn't feel special to me anymore. Men think differently than women. I had lost some sexual attraction to him because he in turn was not doing what I needed but i didn't realize then. I think you should really examine your feelings and what you need from him and try to find it in you to meet his emotional needs and in turn he will meet yours. I wish i would have known all this before, because now I am in a bad place with husband that was getting his emotional needs met by someone else. now I'm trying to meet his needs and he doesn't want it from me, he wants it from her. Please get help with this before it turns into a bigger proble.

Ark Rocks! Plain and Simple...

IFC,

I suspect that you wanted people to jump on and tell you how evil that your husband was for looking at porn, so that you could either bring him to this site or print out the posts and rub his nose in how very wrong he is...And think about that...Would that further your goal, which I assume is to have a healthy, strong and loving marriage? Would making him feel like a dirty pervert really be the way to go about getting what you both desire?

You know what I found out from this site? I knew that Mr. W looked at porn on occasion, and honestly, though it did bother me and it did make me feel insecure and unfavorably compared, I never mentioned it...Heck, we ended up on this site because of ME having an affair...I always just assumed that men looked at porn and there wasn't anything that I could do about that, so I would just have to live with it...But guess what? Since we have been on MB, and become aware of the other's needs, Mr. W came to an AMAZING (to me) conclusion on his own...That looking at porn was stealing his sexual energy from me...I never had to say a word...That was one of the most gratifying things that I have ever read him write or say...I was completely bowled over by that...Mr. W AWES me...He is a man amongst men...Give your husband a chance to awe you...Start meeting his needs and watch as he becomes more than you ever dreamed he could be...

Mrs. W

Curious......

If so many ladies on this site understand us men and our wants/needs, why don't you pass it around as a secret code or something? lol

The divorce rate would sure be a lot less. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Okay hangingtough, but only if you agree to do the same for us! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> In other words, we'll read your playbook if you read ours (ie LISTEN WHEN WE TALK, TALK, TALK and TALK SOME MORE...AND DON'T TRY TO FIX IT, JUST LISTEN)! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

Yes, trying to fix something that you haven't listened to all the directions to fix it leads to disaster.

No I didn't think that you all would bash my husband. I just didn't know if it was "normal" for him to do that. I guess in ways it is.

You got it!!!!!

IFC...

What is one thing that you can do today to make your husband feel loved?

Mrs. W

he, he, he,.......I know the answer to that one!!!!!!

Just kidding.......playing around...don't be offended IFC. Read the Bi-Polar thread and you'll know my situation. Just trying to make you and I smile a bit.

And IFC, here's a cyberhug...I'll bet you could use one right now...((((((IFC)))))) Kudos to you for reaching out for help...That isn't easy when you are depressed...I understand that...It's a big step, not to be overlooked...It's going to be okay...You are taking the first necessary steps-even that can sometimes make you feel a bit better-there is a light at the end of the tunnel...I'm rooting for ya! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

MEN!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I actually meant a small step, along with talking to your husband about the big one (no pun intended)! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I am reminded of a quote from a favorite book of mine and Mr. W's, A Rich Man's Secret by Ken Roberts..."Take the first step, no more, no less and the rest will follow."

Mrs. W

Well heck, no one gives me hugs anymore (except my 3 year old, and that's not the same....lol)

Thanks all. I'm sure that if we just laid around he'd be happy lol. I don't really know. We've been go go go for the past year. We could take a bubble bath (which he loves, weird I know) but our bathtub in our new house doesn't have a stopper (he has to fix that lol).

Any ideas? Besides giving him the computer back lol. Is make-up sex out of the question?

DING DING DING!!! Ladies and Gentlemen, methinks we have a WINNER...Or at least, I'm willing to bet that Mr. IFC would say so...Yes IFC, BY ALL MEANS, do this if you can...RELAX AND ENJOY IT-it's the journey, not the destination that counts, if you get my drift!!! I believe that I read Mortarman once say that when a husband and wife make love, Angels stand in the doorway and rejoice...Don't let that creep you out though! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

lol. I'll have to "try". I guess. But doesn't that make him think that being "bad" and looking at porn = make up sex??

IFC, he won't make the connection, he'll be so relieved that you desire him again. Everyone here has suggested His Needs Her Needs. I really do recommend you read it.

I would start reconnecting by just making out, not making up LOL. You may be amazed how quickly you'll get in the mood. I also think a change of AD medication is ESSENTIAL. Some ADs are the most notorious passion killers there are.

One of the most telling things I've ever read was in a book about "married" sex. The therapist told the story of a middle aged couple who came to see her and the husband explained how his wife just wasn't interested in SF any more. The husband then turned to his wife and said "Isn't that right, mother?"

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Jen...Thanks for sharing that!!! Middle aged is 80, right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

IFC...

Print out the EN Questionnaire...Here is the link...Most men list sexual fulfillment(SF) at the top of that list...Tell your husband that you realize that SF is one of his top needs and that you want to meet that for him...It's not a matter of "rewarding bad behavior"...Thinking of your husband that way is disrespectful...Doing so makes me think that you think of him as a child...You meet your husband's need for SF because you love him and want to meet his needs...Your husband can't help what his EN's are anymore than you can help what yours are...They simply are what they are...The two of you need to become concious of the other's needs and do EVERYTHING within your power to meet those needs for each other...You will both be rewarded in spades for doing so...

Mrs. W

Ummmmmm......sorry to interupt "girl talk" here, but why not buy a video/DVD/Pay per view and watch it together? You just might get in the mood. wink, wink

Then lay around and take a bath!!!!!! Put a wash cloth or something from the garage over the drain......Baths are cool!