Tell the boyfriend. That is likely to stop the affair. Don't tell your husband you are going to do this. And yes, he will be furious. They all are, but they get over it.

So, if I call the boyfriend and tell him, what do I do if he doesn't want to do anything about it? And I'm worried about making things worse at home. My H already has anger issues with me, I don't want to make it worse. I'm just scared.

stph20.... you need to own yourself.

1) It can't get worse if you tell the BF
2) BF is just one exposure keep exposure growing
3) If you fear your husband you have bigger problems and
should be away from the sitch when you expose to BF
4) only going back when you know he is calm and with a
witnesss

What kind of anger issues? Has he ever been abusive?

No, he's never been physically abusive. Lately he's been verbally abusive though. He's angry about our past I guess. He's only focusing on the bad times, the arguments. We just had a discussion which turned into a fight, because he made me angry. He's saying whatever he can to hurt me and its working. As much as I love him, maybe we are better off divorced. Who's to say? What kills me is (and he even admitted this) is that HE made the decision to divorce. We both decided to date, we both decided to get married, but he's going to decide to divorce all my himself? I don't get it and I'm so hurt and confused by this still.

I'm calling the BF tomorrow. I don't care what H says anymore. It can't get any worse than it is. His heart is already gone.

Is there anything I can do if he absolutely wants out, regardless of the OW? I still want in, but I'm afraid I'm grasping at straws and I don't know what to do. I told him I was filing on Monday, out of anger. He's making me lose hope. But he's sure he doesn't want to be married anymore and I don't know how to change his mind. With the other threads I've been reading, the WS has at least felt some guilt and sorrow about what they did and still wanted to work things out with their spouse. Mine cheated and doesn't want to work things out and doesn't care that he cheated and doesn't love me anymore.

Does it make any sense to anyone that he's not even sure if he's making the right decision, but wants to do it (divorce) anyway? Shouldn't he be 100% sure of the outcome before he makes such a big decision? I just feel so lost and don't understand what's going on in his head. I have all these questions and no answers that make sense. Obviously the OW is part of the problem, and she needs to be gone to clear his head, but this goes beyond that I think.

I'm so frustrated that I just want to skip to Plan B.

STPH20

please re-read my post and others here. What you aren't getting is that as long as he in involved in an affair he will not get it. He will not want to reconcile, he will not care about you or your feelings, he will want what he wants (thinks he wants!) come ****** or high water. He will be deranged and unable to think at all much less clearly evaluate what is going on around him. You must make every effort to break up the fantasy (affair). This includes exposure to the Nth degree. Go and talk w/ or call the OW's BF now if you want a chance. It stands no chance as long as the affair is allowed to prosper in secrecy and fantasy and so on. The neuro-chemicals you WS is feeling right now is like being on a cocaine high for a drug user. The affair is the drug and anything or anyone that stands in his way of getting more is the enemy. He will never think clearly, own any of this, etc until he comes out of la la land.

But he says even if it doesn't work out between them, he still doesn't want to be with me. He would rather be single. Is that just a line, or can there be some truth to it? I'm still holding on to hope, but its getting harder and harder.

Does the pain ever stop? Does it ever get easier? If so, how long will it take?

My H got home late last night and when I woke up, I went out to his truck and looked through his cell phone. He walkie-talkied the OW at 12:32 this morning and talked to her on the phone at 12:36.

Why won't he stop talking to her even after I ask him not to and how can I make him??????

Why does he insist on hurting me over and over and not care?

The answer is because he is a WS. Knowing this will empower you to do what you need to survive. Make sure you read Love must be tough by Dr Dobson. Don't hide the book, if he sees it fine. Learn the language of reverse babble. Create your own support group, secure your finances and keep posting here.

Now here's a cleveryly wicked thing t/d: Next time you go out to his truck, hit redial, leave the phone on (providing you have free minutes during this time) and leave the phone on.

Ha!! The OW will anxiously pick up the phone and NO ONE will be on it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> It will freek her out.

That will create a bit of chaos between the WS and OW. That's a good thing.

It could go something like:

OW: Why did you call me and NOT talk?
WS: I didn't
OW: Yes you did, you called exactly at 1:23am
WS: I was sleeping at the time.
OW: Well who called me?
WS: I don't know.
OW: Yes you do.
WS: No I don't.
OW: Was it your Wife?
Ws: I don't know. Not sure, could be, but why?
OW: Go find out.
WS: How?
OW: I don't know.

(Next time, repeat again)..... same drama. You stay out of the drama. If the WS comes to you try to react like:

WS: Did you touch my phone? I don't want you to touch my phone.
BS: Why would I touch your phone?
WS: Did you?
BS: For what? Where is your phone?
WS: In the truck. Did you touch my phone?
BS: Yes, I have touched your phone many times....why?
Ws: Well someone is calling the OW.
BS: What?!??! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> (be convincing - you may have to practice this line - no laughing).

WS: Someone has been using my phone to call the OW.
BS: Um......wouldn't that be you? R U ok? That's a weird thing to say. Who else in their right mind w/b calling the OW?

WS: Uh....well I do call the OW but did someone else?
BS: (give that you are weird look and say), I don't know why would sane want to call the OW?

WS: I don't know.
BS: Yea.....me 2.

Then leave. The purpose of this 'excercise' is to leave the WS and OW in a quandry. Can't have a good A if they are worried about something. LOL!!!

The important piece is how 'poker face' can you be in front of him when that happens? LOL!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Let me know and I may tell you what I did to the WS and OW in my case. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Steph, do you want to save this marriage or not? These folks are giving you good advice but you are not listening. Expose the affair TODAY. Call the OW's BF. Call his boss. Call his mother and ask for her help in saving your marriage. Call his father. Your marriage can survive some temporary anger over exposure, but it can't survive an affair.

And most of all: STOP LOVEBUSTING HIM AND STOP THREATENING DIVORCE.

Secondly, your H might feel like he wants a divorce today, but that doesn't mean he will next week. I suspect he just told you he would be "filing in 3 weeks" so he could justify continuing his affair. It is unlikely the OW will leave her BF for your H. That is why you need to go visit the man NOW.

This is Plan A in a nutshell:
The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

I would take ownership of your shabby treatment of him and do your best to demonstrate that you will change yourself. It is not enough to pass it off as being "depressed." What if you become depressed again? It sounds like there was a serious lack of respect going on here that led to a vacuum in the marriage.

So, a big part of your Plan A will have to be a demonstration that you will respect him in the future and that you do care about his needs. No more fighting, no more nitpicking. In every communication, ask yourself if you are more or less attractive than the OW. Because I assure you that she is not nitpicking and fighting with him. So, if you want to attract him back, you will have to forgo those activities.

Dear stph20,

your WH trying to file for D so fast might just be a way for him to "justify" his behavior.
If he's not M'd to you - he's not cheating, in his warped way of thinking.
So if you want to stay M'd to him: don't give in.
Tell him you're not giving up on the M.

What do you mean, you don't have time to plan A?
You can start right now.
Even if he should move out - which is not so likely, as OW isn't free either and might not leave her BF & child at this point - you can continue to plan A.
Meaning you be the sort of person you would want to be M'd to.
Take care of yourself.
Don't talk relationship-stuff right now - he can't really listen to you because he's too busy justifying his own selfish behavior.

And you shouldn't believe the "I'm not going to do anything physical anymore with OW" stuff - that's a lot of nonsense.
Beware of STD's - don't have unprotected sex with WH !

When are you calling OW's BF?
I would be very surprised if he doesn't care about this A that his partner and the mother of his child is having.
He could be your greatest help in breaking up the phantasy of this A.
It wouldn't be the first time the OP breaks off the A because they don't want to lose their own partner.

Don't tell your WH you're going to do it, or OW is very likely to tell her BF you're some nut case!!

And yes - your WH is likely to be upset when he finds out that you've called OW's BF.
But that's a pretty normal reaction - see he's like a junky, high on the thrill of his A - and you're trying to take away his fix.
Don't take anything he says to heart.
"Now we're really getting D'd" is something a lot of BS's have heard after exposing to the OP's partner.
But when the bubble of the A-phantasy bursts, and your WH starts to detox (yes, it's a chemical rush to have an A), he'll see things differently.

You need to stick to what YOU think is right.
That is where you'll want your WH to be, when he has lost the "W" and earned the "D" back - agreeing with you that you are right.
This may take some time though..
But it's worth the shot..
If your WH is so far gone that nothing will bring him back, it won't make any difference..
If he still loves you under all that A-cràp, busting this A is the best thing you can do for your M..
So as I see it, you have nothing to lose by calling OW's BF.

Thank you all for the advice. I definitely plan on calling the BF.

Orchid-- I just did what you said and called her phone. She didn't pick up, but I let the VM pick up and didn't say anything. I would have never thought to do that and I'm going to keep doing it! What's your story?

Now that I have some examples of Plan A, that's what I've been doing this whole time and didn't know it. It doesn't seem to be changing his mind.

I'm not the one threatening divorce...he is the one that wants it, I keep telling him I want to work it out and believe that we can. He just isn't interested.

I just started reading Love Must be Tough by James Dobson for the 2nd time.

Telling him you want to work it out = relationship talk.
You'll have to wait for that.
Because yes.. he's not interested right now.
He has OW on his mind, and has his head stuck in phantasy A-land.

I called her again from his phone and she answered. I didn't say anything and she finally hung up (H was in the shower). She called him back a few minutes later while I was talking to H, and I answered his phone.

Funny...she didn't want to talk to me...she hung up as soon as I said hello.

I think I got myself caught, but that's OK, what have I got to lose at this point? Did I do the right thing?

You might feel you "didn't mean it" - but that's not what he's hearing.
Don't love bust.
Someone who's having a A will use "anything you say against you" if it helps him justify his own wrongs.
You have to be the smarter one in this situation - your WH and OW are obviously doing stupid things.
Don't join them.

You had better go over there or something before she pre-empts you by telling her BF lies about you. Drive over there and tell him personally.