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Now that I have some examples of Plan A, that's what I've been doing this whole time and didn't know it. It doesn't seem to be changing his mind.
I'm not the one threatening divorce...he is the one that wants it, I keep telling him I want to work it out and believe that we can. He just isn't interested. Didn't you say this? I told him I was filing on Monday, out of anger. Plan A takes much longer than a week to work. It will take MONTHS of demonstrated good behavior to convince him you are an attractive alternative to the OW. And every lovebuster undoes lots of hard work.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I've tried relationship talk almost every day for the past 6 weeks. I know I've probably pushed him away by doing that, but I couldn't help it.
But by doing that, have I pushed him beyond the point of no repair? Even if he doesn't want to give it another chance, is it possible? To him, this goes beyond the A. He said even if things don't work out with her, he still doesn't want to be married to me. He says he doesn't love me enough to want to work it out.
How do I know when to give up and give in?
I still plan on "vanishing" next week for a week. I don't know what good it will do, if any, but I think its worth a shot.
Any advice?
BS (me)-26
WH-27
Dday-August 2006
0 kids
Married 4 years
NC established 1-26-07
status-working on it
"Sometimes, I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough...but I'll stand back up."
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Yes, I did tell him I was filing, but I was angry and had given up, temporarily.
Except for that night, I've been doing Plan A. He even admitted things had been better but still hasn't changed his mind. Plan A is really hard when he's adamant about wanting out!
The thing is, I don't have months of work I can do. I'm willing to do it, but he's ready to move on with his life and wants this done ASAP.
BS (me)-26
WH-27
Dday-August 2006
0 kids
Married 4 years
NC established 1-26-07
status-working on it
"Sometimes, I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough...but I'll stand back up."
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Should I apologize for our fight the other night and tell him I didn't mean to get angry or let it go?
BS (me)-26
WH-27
Dday-August 2006
0 kids
Married 4 years
NC established 1-26-07
status-working on it
"Sometimes, I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough...but I'll stand back up."
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(we seem to be cross-posting here, Mel <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />)
I don't think it's a good idea to leave at this point.
Especially not doing a vanishing act.
You need to behave the way you would want HIM to behave when you're in plan A.
If plan A doesn't work..
There's still time for plan B..
Then you do a complete vanishing act.
But all in good time.
Hopefully you won't need plan B.
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The thing is, I don't have months of work I can do. I'm willing to do it, but he's ready to move on with his life and wants this done ASAP. Yes, you do have months. He doesn't know what he wants and is very confused. What he wants will change from day to day, so just stick to your plan and don't vary. Don't let him bait you into a fight lest you give him ammunition against you. With your phone calls, have you alerted the OW to the fact that you are trying to expose her? Does she know that is you calling? Becasue if you have, you have just made it much harder to expose to her BF. If she knows it is you, I would suggest you get in your car and drive over there becasue she will likely make sure that you don't get through on the phone now. I still plan on "vanishing" next week for a week. I don't know what good it will do, if any, but I think its worth a shot.
Any advice? This will make his affair much easier to conduct and he will be relieved to have you out of his hair. It will help the affair, it will do nothing to help YOU, though. I'm sure the OW will be grateful!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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But if I don't have time to complete Plan A, or it doesn't change his mind, shouldn't I do that to see if he misses me?
How much time should I give it? He's ready to go.
BS (me)-26
WH-27
Dday-August 2006
0 kids
Married 4 years
NC established 1-26-07
status-working on it
"Sometimes, I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough...but I'll stand back up."
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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tell us about the family finances ...
how much credit card debt do you have?
car loans?
mortgage/rent?
who pays for or gets health insurance?
is there savings/IRA/etc?
Pep
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That makes sense. I'll stay put and do Plan A to the best of my ability. Should I go in there and apologize to him for my part in our argument?
BS (me)-26
WH-27
Dday-August 2006
0 kids
Married 4 years
NC established 1-26-07
status-working on it
"Sometimes, I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough...but I'll stand back up."
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Joined: Oct 2000
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But if I don't have time to complete Plan A, or it doesn't change his mind, shouldn't I do that to see if he misses me?
How much time should I give it? He's ready to go. have you been a lousy wife for the majority of this marriage? whatever time you've spent being a good/excellent/average wife counts as Plan A timePep
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That makes sense. I'll stay put and do Plan A to the best of my ability. Should I go in there and apologize to him for my part in our argument? you need to think and develop your PLAN not run off and make statements to WH ... he has adultery ears ... he hears "blah blah blah" save your energy Pep
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Finances are not great. I lost my job at the end of May (seemingly the same time he started talking to the OW) and our bills fell behind and we haven't caught them up yet. Our credit card debt is about $800, nothing really. We both have cars and loans, we just bought a house in March (another question I have...why would he buy a house with me if he was unhappy...he didn't even want to buy a house, I found out recently), his health insurance is free, I don't have any yet, and we have $0 in savings.
Bottom line, I don't know how he's going to afford a divorce.
My parents are going to pay for mine, but his mom has no money either (his dad is deceased).
BS (me)-26
WH-27
Dday-August 2006
0 kids
Married 4 years
NC established 1-26-07
status-working on it
"Sometimes, I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough...but I'll stand back up."
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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Betrayed spouse panic makes you erroniously think you can make some perfect speach/talk/announcement/ultimatum to your fog-head-husband which will result in his dramatic turn-around ... this is FALSE
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I'm finally starting to see that. But I just feel that panic and desperation and don't know what to do to make him change is mind about us. All I want to do is talk to him and say that perfect thing that will make the lightbulb go off in his head.
BS (me)-26
WH-27
Dday-August 2006
0 kids
Married 4 years
NC established 1-26-07
status-working on it
"Sometimes, I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough...but I'll stand back up."
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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you need to PLAN this out
the fog-heads have no real plan they have fantasy and wishful thinking
out-plan your fog-head ... don't try to "talk sense" into him
"talking sense" never works @ this stage
they have no comprehention skills when they are in affair-mode
they are feelings-motivated ... nearly 100% ... so logic is just "blah blah blah" in their heads
"talking sense" momentarily looks like it works & then the WS prove themselves to be fog-heads just when you think your big speach "turned things around" ... no no no
it never works like that
let us help you PLAN
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Then PLEASE help me plan!! What's my next step?
Besides calling the BF.
BS (me)-26
WH-27
Dday-August 2006
0 kids
Married 4 years
NC established 1-26-07
status-working on it
"Sometimes, I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough...but I'll stand back up."
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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educate yourself is first step
have you read SAA?
Pep
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Not yet, so far I've read:
Love Must be Tough by James Dobson (reading for the 2nd time right now)
The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Relationship Rescue by Dr. Phil
H is unwilling to do the exercises with me in Relationship Rescue.
BS (me)-26
WH-27
Dday-August 2006
0 kids
Married 4 years
NC established 1-26-07
status-working on it
"Sometimes, I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough...but I'll stand back up."
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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stop and really THINK
don't answer right away
what was the BEST part of your marriage historically?
what shared interests?
what shared moments?
were meals at home a joyful time?
holidays?
travel?
what worked in the past ... in other words, what were the STRENGTHS of the marriage?
think hard and tell us
knowing this can help us help you develop a plan
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H is unwilling to do the exercises with me in Relationship Rescue. this is a request you make IN RECOVERY phase not now it's like asking a drunk to take dancing lessons while they are still drunk impossible stop discussing these things with him PLAN here in the meantime, be serene and a little cute ... let him catch you looking at him ... then smile, and look away hum around the house look & smell delicious cook delicious meals .. if he doesn't join you, enjoy them yourself & smile smile smile NO relationship talk Pep
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