In my experience, WS's talk divorce a lot...and do nothing about it.

Choose to be in reality, so you can bring reality...won't change him or dispel the fog, but it will help you to know what is...and you can't if you're fearing what isn't yet.

LA

I am officially out of time...he moved out this afternoon. He took most of his belongings and moved in with his mom. He wants me to start divorce proceedings this week. I have to file first b/c he would need to be separated from me for 6 months before he could file against me and he doesn't want to wait that long. I found an attorney and I'm going to call her in the morning.

Where do I go from here? Should I still have hope or am I in denial?

I forgot to mention that I tried calling the BF today. I was on the wrong side of the family. What I thought to be OW and BF's # was actually OW's parents #! So I told her mom all about the A. She didn't want to believe me at first, but she did. She was shocked. And it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be to tell someone that she knew. I hope her mom called her tonight after I talked to her and shamed her, if nothing else, into stopping the A. If I can't reach BF, I think I reached the next best person. And, although I resisted and didn't want to call, it was the best decision I've made in the last 6 weeks.

I think WH is going to be furious, but that's OK. I have nothing to apologize for. And if it doesn't work to stop the A or bring him home, then it was probably a lost cause anyway.

How long should I hold onto this hope of him coming home??
And obviously I can't plan A when he's not here, so there's nothing to bring him home, except his own free will. Can I nudge that a little though?

Someone tell me what to do now!!! What knd of plan should I be making?

You are NOT out of time. He wants U to file? Don't. You file when YOU ARE ready. He can hold his pants and walk funny if that's what it takes. LOL!!! Do NOT let him push you around.

Ws' move out. That's w/b expected. Not the end of the world. The end of his world w/b when YOU file. So you do it when U R ready. ok?

What is his mom doing about lettiing a WS in her home?

Now go learn about plan A & B. You've got some reading t/d.
Secure your finances and setup your support group.

Btw, good exposure. Now go find BF's side and continue the exposure. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

I really do think it's over. He wants to move on and I can't stop that, as much as I don't want it to be true. Maybe D papers will slap him in the face. Right now that's my only alternative. My mom is making me file too. I still have hope, but I have to be prepared and start moving on too, he already has. He told me yesterday that "he's happier with someone else". That really hurts, but there's nothing I can do about it. He's not talking foggy-headed.

He was so angry with me again yesterday and I can't figure out why. We had sex again Sat. and Sun. afternoon and things were fine b/t us Sun. night, we were talking and joking all night. And I talked to him yesterday afternoon and he was mad at me! He kept saying "all I want to do is divorce you and all you want to do is sleep with me". Which is not true. I do want him to think about what he'd be missing by sleeping with him and make him think about things a little more and I did want to confuse him some, just b/c he seems so not confused. But WHY would he be so mad at me and move everything out of our house b/c we slept together? He wasn't complaining about it at the time!

What is going on in his head???

Why are you filing for divorce? Don't file for D unless you are really done.

Have you told the BF yet?

I have no way of getting a hold of the BF. I know absolutely nothing about him. I don't even know the OW. I told OW's mom, but that's all I can do for now. I'm going to try some methods of finding out who the BF is. I haven't given that up yet.

I'm going to file b/c I'm being made to file. He's so angry and I don't understand why. If someone could just tell me what he has to be so angry about, maybe this wouldn't hurt so bad.

He says he ready to move on, but how can he when he has to wait for OW to leave her BF and who knows if/when she's going to do that?

Has he thought of all his options? Or just divorce? How can he be so much happier with OW when he hasn't really spent any time with her?

You are not being made to file. Don't file and don't do anything unless you are done with your marriage. You need to stop reacting to his blah, blah, blah, blah, and stay focused.

Where does the OW live? Can you drive over there and knock on the door and tell the BF?

Stay focused on your Plan A and ignore his rantings.

p.s. you shouldn't even be TALKING about divorce unless you are DONE. Because it is much harder to save a marriage when you are filing for divorce. It harms your chances at reconciliation.

What do I focus on? I feel so lost right now.

I feel like I'm in a downward spiral spinning out of control and I need to control it! I don't think he cares about me anymore. He hasn't apologized to me for any of this, he's just being mean and angry and hurtful and I don't understand why.

I know I need a plan, but I don't know what to plan for or how to plan.

He told me last week that he would go talk to my pastor and explain to her what was going on with him so she could better help me, so I set up an appointment for him for last night. He was so angry he wouldn't even go. That was all I asked him for and he's being so selfish, he wouldn't go talk to someone so I could get help with all of this.

I don't think he's going to talk to me for a while, so he's not going to notice plan A anyway.

Now I have bills to worry about, b/c he left me in a house that I can't afford and made a comment to me yesterday that "bills are being placed on hold so I can afford a lawyer". Does it sound like he's ready yet?

He knows I don't want to file. But I can't make him stay. I do love him and I want him to be happy and if that's not with me anymore, then at some point I have to accept that.

I haven't talked about divorce with him, unless he brings it up.

Why are you filing for D if you don't want a divorce?

We have told you before that he is speaking the language of the FOGHORN and to ignore him. Why do you keep on taking the word of a falling down drunk?

We have given you a plan. Please listen to it. Follow Plan A to the best of your ability and stop all this divorce talk. Stop reacting to the babblings of a falling down drunk and stay focused on Plan A.


Ready for what? I don't understand what you mean. Explain to him he still has to pay the bills whether he lives there or not. It is his legal obligation. If he won't, then you will have to see an attorney, but try to get him to pay them first.

OK. Plan A is still in effect. It's harder than I imagined though. I feel like I'm the one in the fog with all the emotions that are running through me.

If I need to talk to him, I'll be as happy as I can be and won't talk anything of divorce.

What do I say if he brings it up?

If he brings it up, tell him you have no interest in divorce, you only want to talk about working on your marriage.

Find that boyfriend!

But when I tell him that, he gets angry and frustrated and asks "what is it going to take to make you realize that I don't want this anymore?"

Say I don't want a divorce.

Stop being manipulated by his anger. If he has to wait 6 months, so what? Its more time on your side.

Get to exposing. Drive over, do whatever it takes. Also tell his mother. Tell everyone that will disapprove.

Protect yourself financially if you need to. Move, get a roommate...there are lots of options. Don't get pressured into filing for a divorce you don't want.

That 6 month waiting period is a BLESSING for you.
In 6 months this will be over.

I need some clue on how to figure out who OW and the BF are. I do have a plan for that that my mom is going to help me with.

I told her mom last night. WH told his own mother, who doesn't disapprove. I have 2 friends of WH's that I'm going to tell. One for sure doesn't know b/c he WILL NOT approve. I want to call his boss, but I don't want to get him fired (we really can't afford that). And I don't know what to say to these people. What do I tell them the purpose of me telling them is?

I just had a counseling session with my pastor. She is trying to make me a stronger person (her version of plan A). Given what I've told her, she doesn't see him wanting to come back. She did agree with telling his friends, if they can talk to him and tell him that what he's doing is not right. All I can do is try.

Still trying to figure out where to go from here. All I want to do is crawl up into a ball in my bed and wait for it to be over. Sometimes, I just don't think I'm strong enough to handle any of this.

Tell his mother yourself.
I can guarantee he is spinning this so he can dilute the disapproval.

Ask people for their help. That is the approach you should take. Tell them the situation, that you don't want a divorce, you want to work on the marriage, and for them to please help in any way they can.

Get this done soon -- all together! Don't expose in little dribs and drabs. He's going to be angry -- let him be angry over all of it at once instead of over and over again.

He's going to tell you that he was thinking about coming back UNTIL YOU DID THIS...(they all say that)
And that now HE CAN'T TRUST YOU (ironic huh? they all say that too...)
He's going to do anything to shut you up. Because affairs can't live in daylight. He's going to keep on trying to manipulate you into filing -- don't!!! It only helps the affair. And you're not going to do anything to help the affair (like keep it secret or divorce him so he can be with her...right??)

Make him face the consequences...Don't make anything easy on him....don't cooperate with destroying the marriage...and be the best YOU that you can be!

Get to OW's boyfriend NOW. And tell him that you are trying to save your marriage, hopefully that is what he wants too.

Don't believe anything he says about telling his mother. I'll bet ya anything he lied or omitted major parts to the story! Don't believe him if he says anyone already knows.
WS's lie. lie. lie. lie. lie.

stonewall
stonewallstone wall

1 chiefly British : to engage in obstructive parliamentary debate or delaying tactics
2 : to be uncooperative, obstructive, or evasive
transitive verb : to refuse to comply or cooperate with
- stone·wall·er noun

[b]he can go pound sand ... you are NOT in a hurry ... drag drag drag your feet

don't you DARE do his ~dirty little~ footwork for him

who does he think you are?
some scared little girl he can boss around and walk all over?

hayul NO !

Pep