Agree with Mel...what's the status on talking with the BF? If she's planning on leaving him anyway, he should know that, yes?

Stop believing anything a WS says. News bulletin............THEY ARE ALL LIARS!!!

Go and find the BF NOW, hire a PI if you have to and exposue their little fantasy to him. One, you will done the one best thing to save your M and two you will give him an equal chance of saving his R, which again helps you and your situation. You have to do this ASAP,.

First of all, stop trying to control his actions.
You cannot stop him from talking to her. He's a grown man, and his mommy can't stop him either. Don't expect miracles from her, she might disapprove, but she likely won't stand up to him. She's giving him divorce advice??? A shame she doesn't give him marriage advice instead.

You just have to let this run its course. There is plenty that you can do that will end it sooner.

The BIGGEST being to tell him she's about to destroy him. He most likely has NO IDEA what's REALLY going on. She's probably trying to tell him its "just not working out." When he finds out -- all ****** is gonna break loose.

They have a CHILD together -- he's not just gonna let her waltz out with their child. Especially when he finds out he's been betrayed. That will cause HUGE drama in affair-world.

And he's gonna be angry -- and spew lots of venom your way.
IGNORE IT!

Keep being calm, quiet.

Well, he's already angry and I'm at the point where I don't even care anymore. I don't think he can hurt me any more than he has.

I have their address, does anyone know how I can search for a phone # by just the address?

I'm not too good at detective work like this.

But I am ready to tell the BF, I'm not just putting it off!

MIL did tell me that he already knows and knows WH's name b/c of their son. BUT, I am going to tell him myself.

Try this

http://www.whitepages.com/10592/reverse_address


JS

JSlost,

Thanks for the link...I tried it and it didn't give me any info.

Any other ideas?

Go to anywho.com and do a reverse lookup. When you call, DISGUISE your phone # so the OW doesn't see who is calling and get the phone. I think you would be much better off just driving to their house and knocking on the door.

Your MIL has no idea if the OWH has been told at all. She only knows what her lying son has told her and he only knows what his lying ho has told him.

By the way, your MIL should be ashamed of herself for going along with all this. That makes me sick that she cares so little for her son, that she would sit by idly while he conducts himself in such a trashy, immoral way. For her to even MEET this ho-bag implies a complicity in his affair that most certainly speaks very poorly of her! My son wouldn't DREAM of bringing a ho around me in the same circumstances and would hope to the heavens that I NEVER found out, lest he fear for his life! So, shame on this AMMORAL woman! ugh!

stph,

I wish there was something I could say to lesson your pain and your fears. I'm afraid there isn't, but I've been reading this all afternoon while sitting here at work and wanted to tell you this:

If you buy into the basic concepts on this site, you must be ready to follow the rest of the info found here. Dr Harley has said that even if a WS moves out, even if they file for DV, it is still possible to recover the M, and he even recommends continuing to try doing so up to 2 years after the DV. If you still want the M, it can be done!

Your best ally right now is exposure to everyone who will listen. Even marginal friends of WS can be of help. Do not threaten to expose, expose(!), to everyone, all at once, as fast as possible.

A lot of really gr8 folks have been giving you really gr8 advice, but only you can decide to follow it. Don't let WH's babble get to you! He's saying the same things my W said to me. He's saying the same things every BS has heard.
The flash panel in the upper right corner of your screen right now has a checklist. They all say it and it's all a bunch of horse [email]cr@p.[/email] Don't let it get to you! Plan your plan; then work your plan.

Find a real live person you can talk to. (same sex!) It should be someone you can vent to, cry with and help keep you focused.

Be strong and courageous; do not be afraid!

Thank you for the advice BH. I do have friends that I talk to ALL the time. I just never thought I would ever go through this and never thought he would ever talk to me the way he has been. And it's hard not to listen to what he says, because right now he does mean it.

And Mel, thank you for what you said about MIL. That's exactly how I feel. She says she doesn't approve, but she is letting the OW call her home and talk to my H and she's not really doing anything more to stop it. Just giving him divorce advice.

I am just so frustrated with this whole mess. I try to avoid drama in my life, and this is probably as big as it gets and I'm right in the middle of it. And nobody that I've exposed to seems to want to help me.

So I found the OW and BF's house tonight. There was no one home, but I peeked and found out the BF's name and am going to try to do another search to find a phone #.

I do want to follow everyone's advice and I want to listen when they tell me he doesn't mean what he says, but it's so hard to do.

And if they do "break up" and he decides he wants me back, how am I ever going to learn to trust him again??? And how long should I wait for him to come back before we go ahead with a divorce?

Any advice on what to do after this is over? Or should I not be thinking that far in advance? How long can this A take?

Don't think about the future. Have faith in the plans here. They DO work. I'm sure the affair will end, and then your husband will want to work on the marriage.

In the meantime, work on yourself, and what you can change. Since you have been taking anti-D's, they should kick in soon, and you will feel better.

Make it your top priority to expose the affair to the boyfriend. I went over to my WH's OW's home while she was there to expose to her husband.

As far as your MIL - she is a poor excuse for a role model. I wouldn't talk to her too much - it will just drive you crazy.

I'm like Melody - my sons know better than to ever cheat and bring the ho to meet me. They know I would speak my mind to her.

I wish my MIL were as upstanding and moral as you and Mel are, believer.

I do think the AD's have started to kick in a little, I do feel a little better.

I'm scared to death to go over to their house and face her. I don't know why. I just don't want the confrontation.

I am trying to have faith, please believe that and I don't mean to get on here and sound "whiny", this is just so hard-the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with and do. And it's even harder knowing that WH is free and doing what he wants and hates me right now (which I STILL don't understand). I just can't stomach the thought of them being together or talking (especially when they're saying "I love you" to each other).

I'm trying really hard not to focus on that though...right now it's all about me.

stph,

For me, one of the greatest days of my life was the day I got an email form W saying "Thankyou for not letting me go." The people at work probably thought I was nuts, a man of 54 yo, crying while shouting "YES!"

Contrast that to d-day and the weeks right after and I honestly didn't think it would happen. W was so ready to leave, get a DV and just knew that she couldn't live w/o OM. It only took her ten days to begin NC, mainly because nearly everyone she knew was telling her she was crazy and just plain wrong in what she was doing.Exposure and letting her know that I would not tolerate cake-eating I feel were the keys.

Trust is another whole issue. The person who you feel most you can no longer trust is yourself. How could I have not seen it coming? How did I miss the signs that now seem so clear? How did I ever let myself trust my heart to this person who has just ripped it from my chest? How did I ever let myself be hurt this badly?

As time goes on, it hurts less and you begin to see that the A was not your fault. You may have contributed to the problems in your M, but WS was the one that, for whatever reason, decided that the vows you made to each other were null and void.

Even if he does mean what he's saying right now, it isn't him talking, it is the aliens that have abducted the man you fell in love with.

Make sure that you are taking care of you, so that you can be the lighthouse to cut through the fog and lead him home. If you break down, no one will be there to help him find his way.

I JUST TOLD THE BOYFRIEND.

What happened?

good good good -- did it go as predicted?

tell us!

be ready for WS's anger -- hopefully Believer will give you some of the most common lines -- its a script.
Stuff like "now I'll NEVER be with you" "I can't TRUST you"
"I was thinking about coming home until you did this"

There's a bunch of them -- and none are true -- just remember that!

Lexxy is right, your H will explode over this. BUT THAT IS OK! Just tell him you are so sorry he is upset, but the BF had a right to know the same as you.

What happened?

bump....stph?

HI, sorry, I haven't been home since I told the BF (I'm scared of my H and stayed somewhere else last night and will again tonight, just in case).

I had to call the BF's dad to have BF call me and he did right away, thankfully. He obviously knew I knew who he was and wanted to know who I was. I told him my name and that I wanted to let him know that his GF was having an A with my H. He said, "so your H must be *****". I said yep and he wanted to know what I knew and I told him almost everything that WH and MIL told me and about the proof (greeting card) and cell phone records I had. I would have told him everything, but he had questions and I couldn't finish and he couldn't talk very long. He asked if he could call me again and I told him to please do, I have more info for him. He didn't know they had had sex on work property, he didn't know that she and their son had met my MIL and she was calling her MOM, he didn't know she was planning on moving out at the end of the month, he didn't know anything, except what he suspected...all he knew was she was talking to WH all the time and started coming home late in July. He said he figured it out the first of August. That's when I started suspecting, but didn't find out for sure until the middle of August.

He also had cell phone records and knew they were talking, but GF told him they were "just friends". Obviously, he was shocked. He said they had been arguing that night over this and when I hung up with him, he said he was pulling in his driveway and had some unfinished business to attend to. I'm assuming he confronted her right away.

I'm so scared of how my H is going to react when he finds out about this. I'm so glad he's already moved out, but I am scared of him coming over and doing/saying who knows what.

BF sounded like a reasonable, nice guy. He believed everything I told him, I think. I am glad I told him. You all were RIGHT, it needed to be done.

What's my next move and how should I handle WH when he finds out? I'm really scared and I don't know why. He's never hit me or anything, but he's already angry at the world and especially me, and I'm afraid this may send him over the edge. Is that possible?

What a mess. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

why not go home and paint your toenails tonight? That should be your next move. And if your H calls up furious because you told the OWBF, then tell him that he had a right to know, so sorry. Quit being so scared. If you think he is going to hurt you, then padlock the door and don't let him in. A little anger never killed anyone, Steph.

Do your mother and father know about all this?

Yes, my parents know. In fact, my mom helped me find the BF's dad's #. She's actually more scared than I am about me staying here alone. She's the one making me stay at her house until he has a chance to calm down.

I just don't want to be yelled at anymore. And the thought did cross my mind of him coming over and hurting me. I don't think he would...correction, the OLD H wouldn't. But I'm dealing with another person right now and there's no telling what he'll do. I don't know him right now to be able to say.

WH is just so angry about everything right now, even MIL said that. Nobody wants to be around him, even though he's moved out and doing what he wants. Is that part of the "fog"? He's got what he wants, why is he still angry? I don't understand the fog.

Is it basically up to BF to make sure the A stops?