Well, if you start over in your marriage, you act married, not unmarried.

And yes, you will have to be patient and give this some time. Be patient! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I may be jumping the gun anyway on acting married.

I still don't know if he really wants a divorce or not.

He went up and down yesterday and I know that's what WS's do, but it's killing me!

I just don't want to keep talking to him, and have him give me false hope, if he's still got his mind made up and he kind of did that yesterday.

I'm dealing with a lot of this better than before (the AD's are finally kicking in!), but the confusion is what I don't think I can deal with.

And if Plan B is NC, shouldn't I want him to not move back for a while? And shouldn't I feel better about him being gone? Just in case he doesn't come back? Or should I be thinking more positively?

"hope for the best, but prepare for the worst".

Plan B comes after Plan A for a very good reason. If you go into Plan B too soon it can be detrimental to your marriage. He doesn't know if he wants a divorce so you are not alone.

Just calm down and stick to your Plan A.

OK, I'm confused. He moved out, so doesn't that automatically "bump" us into Plan B?

Can I do plan A and plan B at the same time?

How is doing plan B too soon bad?

Help!!!

Have you read about Plan A and Plan B? Do you have Surviving an Affair?

I have read about Plan A and Plan B, but I still don't quite understand why they're so important in that order, I guess...I don't know.

I do not have Surviving an Affair, I am planning on buying it tomorrow.

OK, so WH is moved out of our house, but we're NOT in Plan B (?), so would it be OK if I asked for us to spend some time together each week, maybe just one night a week or on a Sunday? Or do I just let him be?

How do I know if plan A has worked or not?

Plan A is the process you use when you are trying to attract your husband back and break up the affair.

You should behave in a way that will meet as many of his needs as you can, demonstrate changes in behaviors that drove him away, and eliminate all LB's.

In addition, you expose the affair.

For women, that Plan should last about 3 months. When you start feeling as though you are losing the ability to be really excellent at Plan A, and you are losing your respect and love for your husband -- then its time to move to Plan B.

You do that by arranging your life so that you do not have any interaction with him whatsoever. There is no "modified plan B". You write him a love letter reminding him of the good things and telling him what he needs to do in order to come back to you.

Then you go completely dark. You do not meet ANY of his needs. You let OW meet them (which she will fail at...) and you let them LB each other until the affair ends!
When he contacts you -- you refer him back to your letter.

You will know when Plan A or Plan B works when your husband ends his affair and is willing meet any conditions you offer him.

By working on YOUR plan and yourself, you will emerge a stronger happier person in the end even if he never comes back.

What are the chances of plan A working and him coming back?

I don't want to sit here day after day, hopeful that he'll want to come home soon, if he's not going to. That'll kill me even more than going through this.

So, is asking him over once in a while a good idea or not? I don't want to push him, but I want to show him my plan A. Or do I wait for him to ask to spend time with me?

I was thinking of asking WH over for dinner on Thursday...good idea, or no? Any input is appreciated.

Absolutely.
Spend as much ENJOYABLE time together as you can.
That means if he comes over, no talking about the relationship, no lovebusts.
Meet all the needs he will let you.

Have FUN with him. Make him want to be with you!
Absolutely invite him over.

OK...

I just wanted to make sure I was thinking along the right lines. I don't want to push him. I'll try to stay away from relationship talk.

So I shouldn't have him fill out the EN questionnaire yet?

I filled it out last night and I want to know how he was feeling in our marriage.

I'm nervous about asking him over!!

"NO" on the questionaire.

Treat this like a first date. Do everything to attract him. Make it as much fun for him as you can!
Do something you've always enjoyed together.
Show him what he's missing!

I was just going to see if he wanted to come over for dinner.

Should I call him to ask him, or wait for him to call me?

How can I make dinner as fun as a first date should be?

I was thinking about calling him this morning and asking him over tomorrow night, but I don't know if I should, or wait for him to call me. But I don't know when/if he's going to call me either.

I don't want to play games, but I'm not sure how to do this either.

Any input?

If he does come over, how do we avoid relationship talk?

Or if he wants to talk about it, do I let him? Or do I tell I don't want to talk about anything right now (even though I do)?!

Help, I'm still confused about this.

Relax...have fun.

Just don't bring it up -- thats how you avoid it.
Men typically don't try to have big "talks."
So I don't think you need to worry about it.

If you don't think you can just hang out and have fun together -- then plan an activity that will allow you to be together but without all that conversational pressure.

OK, I need help again...I just called him and invited him over for dinner tomorrow night. He said he didn't see why not, if he didn't have to work late. He sounded kind of weird while I was talking to him and I asked him what was wrong. He said, "nothing, it's just not everyday your divorcee asks you over for dinner".

How do I take that? Even after Sunday, he still wants a divorce!

I'm afraid if he talks again about getting divorced, or "our divorce" or something along those lines, I'm going to try to argue with him, or reason with him or plead my case, or something. I don't know how not to do that.

Yes, you do know HOW NOT TO DO THAT. You are in full control of your mouth. If he brings up divorce, just tell him you aren't interested in any discussion about divorce and leave it at that.

Don't argue, plead or try to "reason." THAT is how you do that.

Well, another thing that has crossed my mind is we had such a great evening Sunday and really made a connection, and I want to know that it meant the same to him and what it could mean for our future together and if he's stopped "seeing" OW yet. Or if he came over and went right back to her. That's what I can't stand, because I know it's not over between them and I don't know how he can do that. It's not fair to any of us. I want to talk to him about all of this.