LOL!!

Plan A him Stef.

WH just left and to be honest, I don't have a clue why he bothered to show up. He said he wanted to see me, which is fine and dandy, but it's not like we spent any quality time together or even talked, for that matter.

I was better off before he got here. I wish he had never bothered to come over.

We sat and watched TV, then he came in and got on the Internet for a while. Then he went back out and watched TV some more and then went home. Yippee. What a fun-filled evening.

We did not talk about the relationship, recovery or have SF or even flirt. We did nothing. Including having any sort of conversation.

The rollercoaster of love - ain't it grand.

All of these rollercoasters are making me sick!

Well Stef - it gets worse in recovery I can tell you. Sorry about that.

Thanks BigK...I can always count on you to show me the brighter side...LOL!!

Is it the withdrawal that makes it the hardest?

withdrawal sucks but it's a huge rollercoaster in recovery. The ups and downs become less extreem and more spread out over time. The first year is the hardest. You will also have resentment to deal with.

OK I want to start you thinking. What will your conditions be if your husband wants to come home? Think about this now.

I have been thinking about it, just in case.

Right now I would say he must send the NC letter. I will tell him that if we're going to recover we're going to do it my way, which will be the MB way. He will read every book with me, he will read everything I've printed off this website (which is pretty much everything) with me. And actively follow the guidlines in the books and whatever advice I get here on the forum.

I want full access to his cell phone. I want him to tell me everything about the A, including what he wasn't happy with here at home and with me. I want him to come clean with every lie he's ever told me. He's going to have to prove that I can forgive him and learn to trust him again.

Most importantly, this is his one and only chance. If I find out he's still talking to her, or if he cheats on me again with her or someone else, I will file for divorce.

What do you think?

I forgot to add above, that we will both be checked for STD's. And no SF until we are checked and cleared.

OK thats the bare bones for sure.

NC letter is a must.
Full disclosure is a must.
Transperency and you checking on him is a must.
I would also suggest MC with the Harleys is a must - can you afford the $185/session?

STD's - good - take no chances although bear in mind you are already exposed anyway. I am more concerned with your emotional well being rather than STD's at this point because if this.

If you can't afford Steve - see if a church based MC uses the MB principles for recovery in your area. An alternative would be the MB home study Audio Course - that is what my wife and I are doing.

Glad to get you thinking about this Stef.

NC is the most important cornerstone for recovery.

I know that NC is the most vital part of recovery right now and so does OW's BF. That is what we're trying to work together to achieve. He's got a better chance at it than I do, because OW is still living with him and "working" on the relationship. He can keep better tabs on her than I can on WH.

I think my best chance right now is the fact that they are unable to spend as much time together and can't talk on the phone like they were. That may be what is getting him out of his fog, judging from what we talked about the other night.

Unfortunately I cannot afford MC with the Harley's. I had thought about going to my pastor with MB and finding out if she believes in it and can work with us. However the Audio Course does sound like a good idea too.

Are there any other boundaries I should be thinking about that I missed?

Stef - That stuff is all a good start. Review Harleys basic concepts. A condition that I have is I refuse to live in a loveless marriage. That's a dealbreaker for me.

I agree with you.

I have everything printed out, I need to organize it all, and I intend to do that tomorrow.

WH spent the whole weekend here with me.

We talked tonight. We're going to go back to "dating" and see if the M and each other is something we both really want. He's not moving back in for a while and our talk tonight was really good I think. I found out more information about the A and about his feelings.

He still doesn't understand why I'm going to insist on NC with OW. I tried explaining it to him, but it's going to be a while before he truly gets it and I'm not going to push yet. We're still not quite in recovery.

He has said that the past couple of times he's talked to her, he's kind of pushed OW to go work things out with BF, for the sake of their kid. He admitted that he hasn't thought about what he wanted because he's been waiting for things to happen on her end.

He admitted that he thinks the main reason he got involved with her is because he felt neglected with me and she listened and sympathized with him.

We still have a long way to go (we haven't even started yet), and the answers aren't sure yet, but we're getting there.

It was his choice to spend the weekend here with me, I didn't ask for it at all. I did initiate our talk tonight, but I didn't press him for answers, I just told him my side of things and he responded.


What now?????

Well Stef - you for sure have a window into his mind. Clearly conversation and recreational companionship are very important to him. So you start meeting those needs. Get your backside trackside. Lure him back.

I'm very proud of you Stef.

LOL...what???


Thanks BigK. I wouldn't have gotten this far without you and others to push me.

Well he likes racing right? so go with him.

Ooohhhh, I get it now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yes, he does like racing, but after next weekend the season will be over. I'll have to wait until March or April to start going with him.

This is kind of weird to me...how do I date my H? I'm full of questions and confusion about this. I'm not quite sure how to proceed. Here I go over-analyzing again! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

What do you guys think about me knowing all about the A? I want to know every single little detail, but is that really a good idea? He told me more last night, but I'm sure not everything and it made me feel...not good. So do I really want/need to know more?

Stef - he should disclose whatever you need to know. I wanted to know everything. Every little detail. So racing next weekend sounds good. Do fun stuff you both enjoy.

Movies
Dinner
FUN!!

The stuff you did to fall in love.

NC is the clincher though. If he writes the NC letter and enforces it and you can check it, you could even have SF (after STD tests of course)

It's just weird to date again. I'm not sure how to act. It'll come to me.

I can't go with him next weekend. It's out of town, he'll be gone all weekend, and I have to work. It makes me sad because he goes to this race every year and I've gone with him the past 2 years. I didn't go to the race, but he did and after it was over, the next day we hung out and had a mini-vacation. It makes me sad that we won't be doing that again this year.

I forgot to tell you...we talked about STD's. I asked last night if he used protection and in a round about way told me no. I said I was worried about him getting her pregnant and STD's. I said I didn't know where she's been and he didn't either and I would like to know if she's contaminated him, for his safety and mine. He asked me if we should go get checked. Of course I told him yes and he's fine with it. I'm going to make the appointments this week.

I just don't think he's ready for the NC letter. He needs to understand the importance of it and he doesn't yet. He's not quite ready to call the A off yet, I don't think, even though he knows there's nothing there. He said he can't help talking to her at work, but he wouldn't talk to her outside of work anymore, so I told him if we needed to wait until she got her new job, which should be next month if everything goes right, then that was fine, I would wait for that.

Does the NC letter have to be written and sent before SF??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

hmm. IMO it's a waste of time getting tested till the affair is over. I don't think you should have SF with him until he has committed to NC and to your marriage. THe affair is ongoing until NC is established. Continue in Plan A.