Stef - it isn't just talking. It's seeing her in the distance. Seeing her car. Seeing the way she walks - ANY kind of contact. NOT just talking.

He will NEVER withdraw and attach to you while there is ANY contact.

But she hasn't even really been there for the past 2 weeks.

WH definitely is not in love with her...he didn't even really know the difference between loving someone and being in love with them, until I explained it to him last night. After I explained it to him, he said he's definitely not in love with her, he's in love with me, he doesn't regret coming home, he's committed to me and our M. He's not going anywhere, and neither am I.

That being said, I fully know that recovery is not possible until she's gone from the job, no matter how little they are seeing each other at work now.

Stef - you must see this for what it is and stop deluding yourself. It is getting very foggy in here. Re-read my previous post and STOP the yeah but's Got-it? At the very least keep your eyes open. BS fog is very dangerous. Can anyone say heartbreakingly simple recipe for false recovery?

I understand what you're saying BigK.

I know we are not in recovery yet and we won't be until she's gone.

We're both willing to stay here and fight with what we've got until that happens.

Hi Steph,

I wanted to say hello as I haven't seen you around for awhile and I was getting concerned. I'm glad to see you have such good company here and that you are in good hands.

I only have a few minutes tonight as my son is finishing a paper and needs the computer. So, just checking on you.

Take care. Beth

Thanks for checking on me Beth.

I've been OK. Just trying to sort things out in my head and in my marriage.

WH and I talked again last night and he fully knows now how important NC is. We've even talked about our options of him leaving the job for a while until OW leaves. We just can't come up with a good plan yet.

I brought up the possibility of the new job falling through for her, since it's already been pushed back (November has already turned to January, what if January turns to March and March turns to never, etc.). He said she's going to take the new job no matter what.

But he knows he's not going to be able to get over her or go through withdrawal until NC is established. And the sad part is, he likes his job better than she likes her job and he could get another job at another dealership, but not making near as much money and we can't afford that. Especially now.

So, he loves me and is still willing to work things out between us, but he's going to be confused and hurting until she's gone and he goes through withdrawal and I'm going to have to put my EN's aside until that happens.

It'll be hard, but I'm willing to try.

deleted

you ok?

have a nice weekend!

Hey Lexx-

I'm OK. Just confused. Maybe a little upset.

I sent you an email earlier...I haven't heard from you all week and I was getting worried!

Still being pushed into Plan B and I don't get it. Read page 591 at TKO if you get a chance, it'll explain more.

Thanks for checking on me, you have a great weekend too!

Stef,

At the end of the day you have to do what you believe is right and best. You are after all the only person who has to live with the consequences of your decision. I will support you in whatever you decide to do. I am sorry you are feeling pushed. I don't think you will get the result you want with your current course of action. I could be wrong - It would not be the first time. That is one of the reasons I suggest calling Steve Harley.

You have no obligation to please me or do what I say Stef. I have to be true to myself if I disagree with your course of action. I care about what happens to you. Don't run and hide just because we disagree OK?

Thank you BigK.

I just don't understand why Plan B is so important for me to do right now. I don't see any advantages to it right now. If WH doesn't stop talking to her by January, I'll go to Plan B. I hope you're still here and willing to help me then if I need it.

But right now, I have to be true to myself too and show him that I'm committed. He needs that. He's getting closer every day to NC and working on things with me.

I know you care about me, and I care about you too, but I'm OK. I'm still emotionally guarded. I can handle whatever is going to happen. That's why I'm still in Plan A.

I'm not trying to hide from you, I just don't like that we are disagreeing on this.

I just don't feel like it's the thing I need to do yet. I think it would destroy my marriage if I left right now.

This is the end of stph20's thread.

Thank you to everyone who has ever posted to me, I truly appreciate your advice. You all got me through a terrible time of my life and while I wish I still had your support, I can't follow a piece of advice at this time and no longer feel welcome and supported. That's a shame, but that's how it is.

There is nothing more I can do but bow out.

Again, thank you and good luck to everyone.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hello Stph,

How are you doing?

We miss you.

BigK is loosing weight and sleep. Ok, he needed to loose some lbs but still he's sad you're not posting.

I read this comment of graycloud on tomfool thread about mail contact after end of affair.
Apparently Tom wife agreed to end the affair but Tom discovered some e-mail exchange.

graycloud posted:

::::::::::::::::

I don't know all the details of your situation but I have the impression that your husband has less than a month back home. As much as you want to believe that things are improving, the risk of renewed contact puts a lot of pressure not only on your FWS but also on you.

Right now you are confident of keeping the lovebusters away but the tension of knowing for two months that he sees her at work, could be too much.

Only one conversation and your FWS could fall again into WS mood.

Your parents were going to pay for your divorce, you could ask them to pay for some coaching sessions with the Harley's.

What do you think?

Hi Larousse.

I read the thread and I understand what you're getting at. I know NC is vital, it's just very possible right now. I was given a timeline that I think I'm going to stick to.

Plan A until December 27.
180 until January 31.
If, by then he hasn't agreed to NC, or she's not gone from the job, Plan B.

I think I can do this.

My parents want nothing more than for me to get a divorce right now, so I don't think they'll pay for counselling to save my marriage. They are supportive of me and my decision, just not of the marriage (kind of like BigK is in a way).

((((Steph))))...Lots of hugs to you...Just cuz I think that you could use 'em! Hey, who can't? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LOL Stef. I thought I was supportive of You and your marriage but not your decision!! LOL.

But. I will say this.

I don't have any problem with your timetable - at least it's actually a plan if you stick to it. And Please don't forget he is a WH in an active affair until NC is established.

I can support you in this.

Finally! Something we can agree on! LOL. It'll be hard, but I will stick to it. I'm very happy with this plan.

(((((Mrs. Wondering))))) I just had to hug you back! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Hi stph20....just catching up on your thread...and saw this question addressed to me a while back...for what it's worth...I will answer it anyway....

At the present, there is no hope for M, not until A ends (and NC with OW in place)....as you have learned by now...

...the way WS described his feelings, OW as 'soulmate' etc etc, he is into a romantic affair....and I and M and family, being part of 'reality', cannot compete with THAT.... 'reality' needs to hit A...and that may take a long time...WS did a lot of history rewriting to get to where he is...IF and WHEN he 'wakes' up....it will all depend on 'where' I will be....you have heard the phrase... that in the end...it is the BS that may become the obstacle to R... and not want to RISK being hurt so badly again....

How have I done it?...very easy....I lived with a WS for about 6 months... and I would rather face all my fears and all the challenges of living my life ALONE rather than be in ANY kind of R with a WS...

...and, frankly, I am pleasantly surprised...compared to living with a WS....I consider the challenges of living alone a 'piece of cake'....

..of course, what I would really prefer to have is my H back...but, as they say, can't have everything in life...in the meantime...I try to focus and appreciate what I do have.... I realize that I have a lot to be thankful for....

For now...WS's attempts at wanting to establish EVEN friendly co-parenting has been met with one requirement ONLY... not until OW is out of the picture!

You have chosen to live with a WS... it is a dangerous 'animal' to cope with...believe me!....be on your guards... it is not the man you married!

Again...the only suggestion I have for you is to NOT listen to what he is SAYING...make your decisions based on what he DOES...and do not EXPECT anything from a WS!

((((((((((((((stph20))))))))))))

Luna,

Very well put! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I hope others will take heed to your wise words.

All the best,
L.