Harley is the first to tell you that faith and love do not conquer all. If the ENs are not met, ie. if the compatibility is not there, then love will not overcome those obstacles.

I have been where you are, looking at a painful breakup and wondering if it is just a matter of timing being off. In most cases, it's not. It feels good to hope that maybe someday the paths will cross again and all will be well, but I have never seen it happen.

I think you would be far better off grieving the loss, accepting it, and moving on, than trying to be her friend and hoping that things will flare up again - that sounds like you will prolong the pain and will no doubt be hurt only more in the end.

AGG

I am sorry for your pain coughlin, but I agree with AGG. Hoping for a future with this particular person would likely prolong your pain. She so clearly is not in the place she needs to be to enter into a relationship with hopes for a future.

I'm sorry to hear about your pain too coughlin, but i have to agree with nams and AGG here. You're much better off just taking care of yourself and spending time with "friends" until you feel a little better about life in general. I'm not one that's big on supporting "live-in arrangements". Dr. H doesn't have much nice to say about them. If a person isn't interested on working on the relationship without "living together" first then chances are once you were to marry there wouldn't be much work put into the relationship when it was needed in the future either. Personally, I would prefer to be in a relationship with someone that can understand Dr. H's principles and can sit and reason some things out with the information given to them by their partner. At least to the point that they can understand how feelings change according to how you treat each other.
It sounds kind of like you're dreaming for her to be the girl for you. Like you want to take all of the pluses she does have and ignore any to the negatives. I've been told by lots of people that I have a big heart, but that never got me anywhere in a relationship with someone that refused to work on the poja, eliminating love busters, and realizing that needs do change. (No matter how much I might have dreamed or hoped things would get better.) Please just take the time to take care of yourself for a little while - the paing will ease off with time.

Thanks for your responses but I think I need to go away for awhile and be monitored monitored because the pain is too much and I can't take care of myself right now. I heard that when people's first serious relationships end after their divorce, it can be worse than their divorce. I'm a firm believer in that--never thought I could hurt worse. Maybe I did ignore some of the bad signs about her but I just felt like we could fix things as we went along just as long as we had strong feelings for eachother. Haven't spoken to her for a couple days and it seems like forever. I need help and hope.

True. Especially if that first R was too soon after D.

When did you D and when started this R?
Do you have kids?

Sorry again for your pain.
Been there. And trust me, just love yourself first and be strong (and you are, just focus on it and you will see), and you WILL BE happy again.
Look at me - so much pain and sorrow went through my veins, and yet, I feel stronger than ever, AND HAPPY!

Taka care, OK?!

Coughlin ~ The reason 1st relationships after D can cause more pain is that they are usually REBOUND relationships.

Meaning? You didn't properly finish off the grief work of your Divorce. Therefore, you've blended the two pains into one enormous ball of pain now.

That is also a good reason to not continue down this road. You cannot see clearly enough emotionally where you're going. You are in the post -D "Fog".

I would caution you to stop right where you are. Get some good professional help ASAP!!

It's your future well-being you're dealing with.

Best to you & my prayers,
High Flight

Coughlin, are you saying you're going to stay with friends? Or are you admitting yourself for observation? I hope you're not to the point where you're afriad you'd hurt yourself. That's a scary place. Take care of yourself. This too will pass. It's one of God's semi-sweet gifts that time erodes all feelings. Hey, the eastern religions even regard feelings as being part of the "unreal" material world. Sort of the way the table I'm work on is unreal. How's that for irony?

I did want to share my perspective on the age issue. I married a man 17.5 years older than me. That sort of age difference can work, but there are a LOT of issues.
1. We were different generations. He was a 60 flower-child baby boomer. I was early Gen X. This affected our life experiences. Not insurmountable, but just imagine. Vietnam was a defining part of his life. The war ended just before he'd have been drafted. I learned about Vietnam in history class.

2. There are often, but not always, reasons why younger women choose older men. These include financial security and/or father issues. There are reasons why men choose younger women, including insecurities about aging, possibly some ambivilance about being an adult, and/or control issues. Not to mention to the competition among certain men to have the most glamourous babe of the month on their arm.

Some of the reasons are more problematic than others.

3. In my case, and I think in some others, people in their twenties aren't quite grown into their skin yet. They are still becoming who they are. If two people grow into themselves together, they can grow together. But when someone quite young is with someone else who already has become what he/she is going to be, it's harder. The older person assumes he is getting the final version on the wedding day. The younger person may assume the older one is just as much a work in process as she is.

I'm not saying it can't work, any more than I would say an interracial relationship couldn't work. It would just have a lot of challenges that should be fully explored.

Hang in there, Coughlin. You're going to make it through this and you'll come out the other end better than ever.

Coughlin,
When I read your response I just wanted to cry, simply because I knew what you were talking about. My first relationship after my divorce took me MONTHS to get past. I can honestly say that after two years that person and I can actually be friends. But there was a point in time when I couldn't be friends with him. It hurt too bad. I couldn't handle it - at all!!! Please just be good to yourself - that's all. What ever you think you need, take the time to do it. It's hard to learn if you're not used to it, but it will come with time.
Take Care!

Belonging, I started this relationship just over a year after my divorce. I don't have any kids.

Thanks for your well wishes, High Flight. I feel like I'm in shock and numb sometimes and other times just have so much sadness.

Greengables, I just don't want to be alone and I live in this big house that I used to share with my wife. Thought seriously about admitting myself to the hospital to be under observation because I can't take care of myself and I don't want to hurt myself. Thanks for your insight regarding the age difference issue. Se hasn't grown into her skin yet-I was kinda hoping to help her do that and be happy with her at the same time. I saw her at the office today as I was the only one there and she came in and left without saying Hi. She knew I was there by my car outside. She says to me the other day that we should hug and be friends when we see eachother and stay close as friends. HEr actions never matched her words but I chose to listen to what she said because it sounded so nice. There were sign that we weren't right together but I chose to ignore them and when it got to the point of hurting me, I would lash out in anger. I will try and hang in there though-I'm just unsure how to be alone comfortably.

RMW, I don't think I could be friends with her right now because it hurts too much to talk with someone you know, like a stranger. Thanks for knowing how I feel. I saw us together and made plans in y head to be with her for a long time. Everyone said she was a sweet girl and the best one that I had dated since my divorce. There were signs though and I think I'm gonna make a list of them at work tomorrow just to pass the time so that I don't forget and know that my lashing out was for a reason. This is not my fault. I did everything right except for acknowledging what I was feeling at the time.

I'm scared right now of the unknown and how to make it through but I know that I want to be her on this forum because you all have made me feel validated and I want to return the favor.

Someone advised me to get this book called, Rebuilding: When the relationship ends. Any of you heard of it?

I haven't heard of it, but it can't hurt.

Coughlin, being alone is scary at first.Do you have a pet? A cat is nice because you don't have ot worry about it while you're at work. Yet, it is there when you come home and it needs to be fed and petted.

In a few weeks, maybe you want to reconsider staying in that house.

I wish she didn't work at the same company. That's really tough because you have to see her.

I send you a lot of hugs for this week.

Coughlin,
Sounds like your list might be a good idea. I've found that it usually helps me keep prespective when I'm having trouble hanging onto reality instead of what I'd hoped and dreamed about. At 40, things don't look too promising for me in the area I live in. And sometimes the thought of being alone permanently sound really discouraging. (there aren't many single men where I come from - unless you want to find one in a bar.) But at other times it doesn't really sound too bad.
I do have some friends trying to encourage me into places - up to an hour away, where I can go for single group meetings. This past weekend I was in a bar and got asked out by more than one guy. Even though they seemed nice and are people I've known for going on three years now, I told them all that right now there's too much I have to get straingt in my life. That right now I just need friends. They understood and encouraged me in what I was doing. I'm looking into finding out more about the singles group that meets at the civic center in Dothan. A blind friend about that. That will help take away from the fact that I'm "alone" and make it a little more pleasant. I've always been a homebody so it will take some effort, but I won't make it anywhere until I do something.
The book you mentioned sounds like a good one. Maybe you could find one a Books A Million if you have one near by. That's usually the first place I call to see if I can find a book I know little about. There you have plenty of time to go over it and find out if it is a book that will help you where you are at. Some will - some won't.
Just keep on trying and know we'll all be here to support you in your recovery. Hugs a bunch!!
Take care!! We'll all be thinking of you!!

let us all know how you're doing. No matter how that is. Most of us have been there at some point. We just want to know how you are doing.

Thanks RMV. I've been trying to keep busy and be around people. Lost a lot of weight. I got a Lorazepam prescription from my doctor to help me sleep at night. I took it for the first time last night. I'm reading a self-help book called "Rebuilding, when the relationship ends. I'm seeing my counselor once a week now.

Last night, she called and texted me when she went out to local bar and I didn't answer her. She texted me asking how my day was and called to invite me out. I think what happened was that she wanted to "feel comfortable" going out to a spot that we had gone out together. She ended up coming over and explained that she wasn't happy and that she felt lost. She has been knitting and keeping to herself since we've been apart. We hugged and I told her to not worry about what other people think and that she didn't need to explain anything to people.

The question that I have for you all is am I doing the right thing by being there to comfort her? What good will come out of it? I'm reminded of how easily uncomfortable and awkward she became by the smallest incident which would through me off. She's very sensitive and what happened last night was my brother's best friend was at the bar and she found out that my brother asked him who she was with. That made her feel like she had to defend herself. My brother is her boss and we all work on the same team. Any thoughts? I'm still attracted to her and want to make it work.

Well, honestly, the more you have contact with her, the longer it will take to get over her.

Sad, but true.

She doesn't sound very mature. Breaking up with you multiple times and then coming over like she owes you some explanation or something.

It's sad that you all have to work together. Makes it much harder for the both of you.

V.

Nope. You "comforting" her is basically giving her the ability to move on gradually, with you as the emotional security blanket. At the same time, it gives you the false feelings of hope, which will be dashed the minute she moves on, and you will be hurt all over again. BTDT, felt awful.

Move on, Coughlin.

AGG

Correct
Unless it comforts him and helping him to move on gradually too...?
Coughlin, if that's the case, it might be right thing to do... sometimes we do need some 'transition' time, to adjust to 'new life' without person we love(d)...

Well, I think that this works for the dumper but not for the dumpee. For the dumper, it gives the nice feeling of letting someone down slowly, so as not to hurt them. For the dumpee though, I feel that this kind of comfort usually provides false hope. Note how Coughlin ended his post by saying he is still hoping to make it work - I think that continued contact with the GF will keep that hope alive, only to be dashed later on, reopening the wounds again.

AGG

It cannot work IF hope exists, correct; hope's just prolonging pain...

Coughlin,

Please just be careful. The Bible tells us to guard our hearts because that is where the well springs of life flow from.
I tried repeatedly with David to "make it work", but there was no way. It hurts like H*** right now. Last night I had to go and stay with my mom because I couldn't bear to be totally by myself. I'm taking clonazipam to help me with my nerves through all of this, but it doesn't stop the tears. There was eight months of rollercoaster riding that I'm having to readjust from. Right now I feel hopeless a lot of the time. He still wants us to be together, but I end up worse off every time I give him another chance.
I had to go have my mobile phone no. changed Friday so he couldn't text me anymore. I can't take some of the remarks that come out of his mouth and he expects me to take it all like I'm a brick wall. Well, I may be a brick wall but I've had a swinging ball hitting that wall so hard for so long until it's starting to crumble.
Don't know if I'll ever meet a man with Christian morals again in this day and age. It's kind of scary to think of being alone for the rest of my life. I'm 40 and have spent 12 yrs by myself raising kids. Many of those yrs were spent alone because there are no men out here in the community I live in and I don't want to go to bars anymore. I want to be back to the type of life I had when my kids were little. I might have been single, but my relationship with the Lord was a lot stronger then than it is now.

Cutting all contact off with him was the only way I could make it. Every time I had anything to do with him I ended up worse off. So please be careful. I wanted it to work too. But I finally had to face the facts; back off and look at my life and see what was happening to me and where I was headed if I stayed with him or kept on trying.

Please don't fall victim for the desires of your heart the way I did so many times. It just makes it harder to let go later. I'll be praying for you!!!

Coughlin,

I'm being nosy again. I'm still worried about you and just want to know how you are doing. I'd be interested on what you've learned in reading your book. To be perfectly honest, I admire a man that has the strength to go out and hunt for ways to make life better. Men like that are a rare commodity. Hope it helps you the way you are needing.

And just for learning sake, since you are a guy, where is a good place to go meet good single guys. I learned church is not necessarily a good place to find one. Any tips?

Becki