<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Hi FL,

This is good news. Is it possible he has felt as bad as you have felt? Is it possible that you opening up to him is letting him see the things he needs to see? I hope so.

So have you gotten a counselor set up?? Go for it Girl. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

God Bless

JL

attagirl
gc

Great news FL.

I've been with you since the beginning as well.

You've come a long way, baby.

well, i did read the rest of the replies and thanks to each and every one of you.

it is great news and i am keeping that in mind.

however, i fear my happy bubble has popped a bit.

I didn't really want to post any negatives, (especially since Pep is telling me to brag more!) so i've just been quiet instead.

but now i figure it's time. maybe you guys can help re-inflate me a bit.

so why did the bubble burst a bit? well ever since last thurs when i first posted this, not much has happened.

thurs night, DH really wanted to go out to see a friend he has not seen in a bit and I was so tired from the long week I was totally fine with it. i felt so happy/relieved due to him saying he would go to counsoling, i wanted to do something for him and being supportive about him going out seemed like a great idea. I figured I would get a good night sleep and be more rested up for the weekend. he got home extremely late and i just could not wake up at all (not that he tried to wake me, but i heard him come in).

friday early AM, DH got up to go golf, so friday PM he was really tired between being out so late thurs and then up so early.

ok, i can be patient.

Sat night i figured would definitely be good. but he again was extremely tired and went to sleep quickly.

sunday morning, we both woke up good, he was very playful, tickling me which was nice. but then he tried to get up and well, i pretty much just would not let him. it was quick but nice. i started to worry that it only happened cuz he felt forced but i decided to push those thoughts away.

i had high hopes that sunday night would find us in relaxed (but not exhaugsted) spirits and we would enjoy each others company after the kids were tucked in.

somehow, we managed to get into a tiff about a really dumb stmt. we both acknowledge it but the mood was spoiled and we went to sleep instead.

i did a good job at not letting my disappointment carry forward.

monday he left in the AM to go to the lake house and spend the night there in order to work on some house projects that he never has enough time for on the weekends. It was something he had been saying he wanted to do for a few weeks now. I was 100% behind the decision. It was the only day of this week that my work schedule would allow me to be home for the kids in the morning and after school.

today he came home but then i had to work late, 6pm-midnight shift.

so here i am at work. he is at home.

i did managed to ask him if he thought more about phone consoling with dr. harley and he said he would need mroe info about it still. i'm not sure what he is looking for. i told him the fee already.

so how do i proceed now? i really like the idea of MB counsoling because i really don't want to get a bad counsoler!!! and i think the phone makes it more convienent.

i was thinking i need to not be too pushy, so he does not feel railroaded, but he did say he was open to the idea.

i know you guys have already told me to act quickly but don't i have to wait until he gives an ok to the specifics?

thoughts/comments?

are we both being major CAs??

bump, just cuz i want attention before i leave for home in 40 min!!

ok, fine, no one is obviously going to say anything here!!!

i'm packing it in here and going home.

just posting has helped me a bit.

yes, me, myself and I am slow to act.

i want counsoling and yet i am fearful of any pain that may come from it too, even though i know it will be "helpful" pain.

but.... i have grown and changed too much. the old status quo just wont work anymore.

i can lovingly push a bit and get this setup. it will be good for us.

he waited up for me last night, he was very tired, i thanked him for waiting up. we were having pleasant small chit chat when all of a sudden he gets agitated over a comment i made about DS. I questioned where DS got enough $ to buy a new video game, yes i was suspicious of DS. I love him dearly but when he wants something really bad, he has in the past made poor choices. and as his mom, i figure i should keep a strong eye on him. DH thought i was too rough on DS. All i truely did was voice my suspicions to DH. I did not go wake up DS and acuse him and demand him to tell me exactly where all the $ came from. All i did was ask DH do you know how DS ended up with enough funds, last i knew, he was commenting on how he wanted to earn $ for this game which was about to come out. It came out 2 days ago and now all of a sudden he had enough $? so i voiced my wonderment and DH took offense.

first i thought, DH is just trying to pick a fight with me, but i pushed that thought away....

it took a few attempts but i kept asking DH what he was feeling right then and why. He finally told me there are times when i question his integrity and he does not like it. I was quite surprised actually cuz i truely cannot recall ever internally questioning his integrity. So I asked for examples, only because how can i change if i don't understand what i'm doing that has caused him to feel this way. he said he could not think of any examples. so i just left it with please share any time my actions cause him to feel that way so we can talk about it. so everything was fine, but once again, we just went to sleep.

was it wrong for me to have asked for examples?

maybe i should have first just allowed him to express his feelings.

this morning i made sure i made him some coffee and after taking DD to school, i stopped by the bakery and got him and DS a treat for breakfast. (got one for DD too, for tommorow's breakfast).

i followed it up with a phone call to apologize for any past actions that left him feeling his integrity was under attack. he thanked me.

I think you are making huge progress. The fact that he is opening up and you are listening and being patient are great. I would have wanted examples too so I could avoid the behavior in the future.

If your hubby is like mine, then go to the top of the page and print out for him the information on the phone counseling. That is likely what he is looking for.

not wrong per se (as in a moral sense) ... but probably not the ~smartest~ response as far as relationship building goes

KWIM?



bingo

[b]This was my big bug-a-boo as well... my big mouth and my enormous brain kept tripping me up ... a softer (quieter) approach works oh-so-much-better with my husband

when I respond right away, I am almost never spot-on ... if I delay my response & just listen ... it opens doors for him allowing him "my voice" <~~~ this is how he puts it

Pep

I just thought of something ...

for you in particular

know your body's signs of anxiety/panic

faster pulse/muscles tense/jaw clenched (whatever)

and make certain that when you recognize these warning signs ... you just listen ... and refrain from commenting other than to offer empathy

offering empathy for his feelings will deposit love units

you don't even have to understand and/or agree with his feeling ... just offer empathy for his feelings

remember, feelings are ~always~
"feelings" ... and exist outside of reason & rational explaination

if you make a habit of this, I think your progress will be super

don't expect return on this empathy for awhile ... do it in God's grace ... with zero keeping score

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Pep <~~~ I am talking to myself as well as you at this point! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

hi pep and FF, thanks.

FF, good suggestion, i will do that. we still have not talked about counsoling in any more detail.

pep, i will have a very good opportunity today to do as you suggest. right before I left this morning, per normal I went to give him a hug, i usually lay back down for a min or two, i left long before he had to be up, and as we were cuddling, after telling him i loved him very much, i said i'm sad we don't make love more, not mad, i'm just sorry for all i've done that has put us here. he said, yeah, i should talk to you about that.

of course, no garauntee that talking will happen tonight.

going to be an anxious day for me today.

i'm trying to figure out how to fight off the anxeity.

ideas, jokes or chit chat welcome.

anxiety is pure self-involvement ... totally

have you ever noticed that?

when we are anxious we shut out feelings for others ... including God in most cases

to be loving toward others, we must be in a non-anxious state

have you noticed that?

anxiety is also contageous ... have you noticed that even when you are not anxious, if you sense anxiety in someone you care about, you 'catch' it

but

once you become aware of these anxiety-issues
you can step outside of your anxiety

there are unhealthy ways to get anxiety relief >smoking>drinking>drugs>anonymous sex>porn>many others

these don't require you to participate in the learning process

it's easy to feel anxious habitually

but

it's self-involvement
it makes those around us anxious
and it's counter-productive to loving another person

I have worked really hard to not 'catch' Mr Pep's anxiety when he has it ... I mostly have to shut my mouth and try to communicate empathy with actions not words <~~ that works best for me

Pep

pep, two VERY good thoughts that require much more time to reflect on then i have right now.

right now i wanted to make sure i dont lose any of this

because of my past actions outside of the marriage and because of the number of issues there have been abouthat have surrounded sex

(1) i used to cry, (this stopped after i truely processed the abuse that occured by my brother when i was younger, i'm not really sure he understands that.)

(2) i have been bothered lately by how often SF has been just oral one way

(3) i have mentioned how i wish he would initiate more often.

"it's emotionally more comfortable to not have SF"

i'm surprised he didn't mention how i have talked about how i wish we would kiss more. i think it is safe to assume that also hinders his ability to enjoy SF. NOT trying to DJ, just needing my eyes to be wide open.

i can't change the past actions.

i can face that, at this moment in time, the above 3 (4 if you count mine) things are LBs for him.

i don't want my DH to be married to a wife that he is emotionally uncomfortable to be intimate with.

he gave me some insight to him tonight.

i need to really see all this soley from his viewpoint for a while. and reflect on it all.

nite.

(i'm hoping having it written down will help get to sleep easier, now i can stop repeating it in my head)....

pep, you around?

at lunch
about to get back to work

Pep

ok, talk to you later then.

FL,

Just saw the thread. Great news!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> It's always great when I can move a prayer request to the other side of the journal.

Continued blessings to you both.

S&C

s&c, did you read all of this thread?

((FL))
Just wanted to make sure you had a hug before you leave for the weekend.
-SC

thanks SC, very much appreciated.

i am up and down a bit today, but i'm trying hard to keep perspective, not panic and just breath, know what i mean.

this stuff has to eventually work out. i just have to hang on to that thought.