Thanks, MEDC.

Yeah, I knew that there was nothing the police could do -- and not just because he is a cop. That's why I didn't go there. I've heard too many stories about the same kinds of cases over the years. Never thought I'd be on this end of it, though.

I'm trying to hang in there and ride out this storm. It's helping to know where the kids are and to have gotten to see them today. I'm definitely much calmer about it now than I was when it first happened. (I can't believe that was just yesterday ... !!!???)

-AmI.

No, I really, really doubt it. He hates computers anyway, and doesn't have the patience for them. He certainly wouldn't take the time to post on a board -- especially this one.

I'm not entirely sure I'd want him here, anyway ... I think out my strategy pretty publicly around here. I wouldn't want him to see that.


-AmI.

when I was a cop there always seemed to be an officer that each cop learned from after leaving the academy. that person usually became sort of a mentor and friend... a very good friend that is respected and counted on more so than most people we know. So, if this does not blow over in a few days and if your H has someone like that in his department, seek that person out quietly and ask for help. By nature, cops like to help people solve problems... especially those close to them.
Again, good luck

Oh .... duh .... I just realized that's probably what you meant -- would he come here and find out what I've been saying and what my strategy is ... ?

Nope.

He's a smart guy,but not when it comes to computers. He has no idea about this place and wouldn't be able to find it. And he definitely wouldn't have the patience to try to work his way through the boards.

I have a keylogger on the computer, and we have separate accounts so my "recent history" doesn't show up in his explorer -- and vice versa. He doesn't even know that he can connect directly to the internet through explorer -- he goes through his AOL account.

I'm not worried about him finding me out here.

-AmI.

Thanks, MEDC. There are actually three people like that in his department.

I have their contact inforamtion and intended to make personal calls to them already. But didn't get up the nerve. (Funny after having the nerve to expose him to the entire department, huh?)

They are really, really good men, who he respects and admires -- and I do, too. I still plan on calling them if I need to.

-AmI.

Hi, AmI, I'm so sorry I haven't been around. H and I are trying to do some things around here. I built a storage unit for him today and just got out of the shower...

Sweetie, I'm sorry WH's being a jerk...you sound good...and still strong...you should be proud of yourself for handling the sitch so well...

I had to read all three pages to get caught up...I am amazed at the way you are handling the whole thing...

I don't feel the need to offer anything because you seem to have all your eggs in a row...Good job!

I look forward to hearing what you have planned next...I think it's a wonderful that you have so much support and the steps you had planned next...contact his mentors...the lawyer...keep documenting everything...all of those crazy comments and things that WH does...

Who knows if this comes down to D, you may be able to prove him unfit...I know a short lived wish but stranger things have happened...LOL

Like I said earlier...Great job and keep your head up...You are so amazing! Take care. I will try to check in as soon as I can...I have to finish tearing a wall out in the garage...I'm making one big room for easier storage!

I'm going to post to you from a slightly different perspective.

One of a person who is greatly removed from the immediate situation and recognizes that...which is why I waited until you were calmer to post about this..because it ISN'T sensitive to your feelings and deals directly with some harsh realities.

When I read that your WH had done these things I was strangely relieved. Not because he hasn't done gross collateral damage...I really think he has... but because he has pulled his absolute trump card...dealt his harshest/lowest blow. He has done The Worst...something you have feared greatly from the get go and even prior to the affair and he knew it.

And the result is not nearly the climax you would expect is it?

He simply can NOT rewrite your YEARS of investment and care with a temper tantrum footstomping nyah nyah [which is very fortunate for HIM] episode.

Those children love you...they are invested in you as well and they are old enough to read between the lines more than you are giving them credit for.

In the short term he has cut you off [showin' you who is boss]...in the long term he may as well have tied a noose around his neck and jumped off the stool because he has accidentally shown his CHILDREN/FOO/COWORKERS what he is doing...THEY see the lack of logic, kindness, and care.

He introduced the children to OW/left their mother/removed them from their home and has now painted himself into a corner on the homefront...he knows it too because he won't DARE leave them alone with you even for a minute.

Let's stand back and take stock a minute.

He is in trouble at work...stress

He has removed his primary care giver at home...stress

He still doesn't have a place to live otherwise...stress

He has introduced OW so no more plausable deniability there...ever...stress

Children have long memories. Teenagers have an uncanny ability to toss their parents every indescretion right back in their face with absolute mercilessness...he destroys his OWN cred with them...they are already questioning him and he hasn't GOT any answers...stress

In other words...the pressure is on and he is going to buckle. He can't possibly keep this up. No one could.

I think he has made some really unfortunate choices.

I think he has passed the point of no return on some issues with regard to consequences...they must necessarily increase and/or snowball because he has refused to walk away when given the opportunity [*coughmisconductat workcough*].

He has made this affair world too big. There are now too many variables and no wiggle room. Fantasy is thrashing in a big was to stay in command and you are witnesing this...but it is a futile struggle...the facts are that it HAS [past tense] crossed into reality and the piper is on his doorstep with his hand out tapping his foot and snapping his fingers under WHs nose.

From a stategic standpoint...your situation couldn't be better given the circumstances so keep your eyes on the longterm ball...not the present.

Send another letter letting them know that the man who is suppose to be the protector of the people is scaring his own family. See he is in law enforcement. If he isn't practicing being a good citizen, it could jeporadize his job performance.

Let your contacts know of his antics. They may be getting a different story. Just let them know you want them to know the facts so that they will be in the best position to help him now that he is acting strangely and stressing out his family.

Don't be afraid to let them know.

Exposure is important but those you expose to need to know your true intentions and not view you as a nuisance.

Therefore HOW you present your info is just as important as WHAT you present.

take care,
L.

WOW, AmI, noodle nailed it on the head....Thanks, noodle!

Orchid...I really appreciate you helping out...I agree with it's a matter of how and why...

I would suggest again, that you let this cool down and do no more exposure at work. The outcome could be a disaster. When the time comes, limit your conversations to a select few that you think may help.

He has played his most important card as Orchid said. The impact on your if he decides to play it for good will be devastating. He is a jerk... but he is not in the strictest sense of the word, and unfit parent. I would strongly suggest that you never try and paint him with that brush stroke as suggested here. You could quickly see the children you call your own in a foster situation. The courts in the event of your two not being together will not in the vast majority of cases place the kids in your care.... they would go to his parents or siblings first.

And looking forward to a time when you and your H have resolved this and are on the way to recovery.... if you have not already done so, please make sure that your H's will clearly stipulates that in the event of his death, the children are to be raised by you.

(((AmI)))

You're shocked that at what you don't feel when you got that he can punish and you don't have to feel punished?

Welcome to a new step on your staircase. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I'm wondering about MIL...because she might have laid down the law...my grandchildren are welcome, you are not...as far as spending the night?

Are you going to the gym in between the wait times to see the kids?

How's the self-talk going...what are those voices saying in your own head?

You're getting great advice, being embraced here...and IRL...hope you know you are being held in prayers and thoughts and many, many hearts.

Even before WH did his worst...you were.

LA

call a family-law attorney & see what your state says about parental rights of a step-parent ... I bet you have some legal options

being well informed of the facts is always your second step in difficult situations .... first step is making certain you are not in any danger <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Pep

Thank you all so much for the advice and support ... I appreciate it so very much.

I think I am starting to see the forest, now, and that he's played his trump card and it's not working out very well for him at all.

I do have to walk a very thin line where it comes to the kids, trying to make him out to be unfit or anything else opens the door for bio-mom to come in and take them, and that would be much, much worse for them and for me than anything he could ever pull. And while bio-mom has no interest in them, really, HER mother does, and has enough influence over her daughter and money to put up a heck of a fight.

I think he's being a jerk and making dumb decisions ... but overall, outside of this, he really is a good dad to the kids. And much, much better than the alternative.

Interestingly enough, the bio-mom issue that I'm worried about also takes some power out of his trump card. He has to walk a pretty fine line, as well, to protect the kids from her. And no matter how furious he is with me, I'm still the lesser of two evils when it comes to her.

So ... for now ... just haning tight and trying to ride out the storm. I don't think it can last much longer....

-AmI.

Hey, Pep ...

I have explored all of the parental rights laws as a step parent several times. This state specifically doesn't go for it.

Even way before the A, when we were dealing with bio-mom issues, we did the research together, and talked to lawyers about what rights I have. There were none. Even if he signed them over to me, the bio-mom trumps that (even though she has almost no contact with them -- she still never allowed me to adopt them).

So, unfortunately, my legal options are pretty limited in this sense.

-AmI.

ahhhhhhh

thanks

I hought bio-M had relinquished

Pep

refresh me

what are their ages?

Pep

LA --


YES! That was huge to realize. Big step for me on this staircase ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


MIL would let him stay there, but he would be very uncomfortable doing so. She asks questions and tells him what she thinks, doesn't hold any punches. So it's probably worse to stay with her than to deal with me not having any contact with him.

I do wonder why he isn't staying at OW's house ... or with any of his other friends. It seems odd to me that he comes here ... the couch downstairs is really, really uncomfortable!


YES! Going to the gym helps a bunch with working out the frustration and worry. I'm going to break 2 hours in that triathlon next year at this rate. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Self-talk ... better. I was really doubting myself before on the exposure, thinking I had done this to myself ... but now I'm seeing his choices versus mine, I'm comfortable with where my intent was/is ... and with every action I've taken. And not at all panicked anymore. I feel supported and cared for and strong again -- especially with all the people holding me up!

-AmI.

Nope, bio-mom won't relinquish -- she just doesn't ever bother with them. Sees them once a year or so, depending on how busy her life is. She lives in another state.

They are 10 and 13 (14 next week, yikes!).

AmI,

You're doing so well. It really sounds like your WH didn't have any plans and that he was just reacting. Did your MIL say what reason he gave to her for the kids staying there? What did he tell the kids?

Being prepared is really helping you in this situation. You've been working on yourself, so that you were ready to deal with whatever he threw at you. You had a plan if he started up the affair again. And... you acted quickly and decisively after verifying that he was cheating again. Hitting him with the suitcase, the exposure and having the family there to support you was perfect. You got it all over with at once. It caused a big temper tantrum, but you'll probably find that it will subside as reality forces him to deal with it. The only thing that I think you really need to be careful with is making an issue of the kids being yours too. He's trying to prove to you that they are his and that you can't do anything about it. But, the relationship is there and he can't make that go away.

I really wonder if this affair of his will die its own death now. It's all out in the open, taking away the thrill of it. And she is what she is, which doesn't sound like much. Now he can see her all he wants and that alone may make him get over it faster. Time is on your side, not his. It sounds like he's impatient and is led by emotion. And as others have pointed out, the stress is huge on him (and the shame). So, he might crack pretty fast as long you don't get him all worked up again by being reactive youself.

You're doing great. Even during the scariest part, where you didn't know what he'd done with the kids, you kept your cool.

*ding*ding*ding*

and "just reacting" gets "just nowhere" too

I vote Noodle's post the recepient of the "most rational" award of this thread! >applause<

Pep