WH prolly thinks (<~~~ha ... play on words) OW will do what you do for the kids ...

why in hades would an affair partner willingly agree to become a babysitter to teens who are going to resent her & make her life a living heII ????

the plan has a flaw ~~~> it will not make ANYONE's life better and miserable UNhappykids make everyone around them miserable and UNhappy

Mr Big Stuff is goin' D O W N

? popcorn anyone ?

Pep

"Your Dad is planning to take you away from me ... this is NOT my idea ... I want all of you to know that if I had the legal power to stop this, I'd be on it. All I have is love for you ... but your Dad thinks his affair is more important than family unity."

(practice in front of a mirror)

tell it like it is in front of the kids

Pep

WEll, well, well...looks like someone had an eye opener today...Do you think it'll be easier to step forward now that you know you're working with a mental patient? WOW...this is amazing...

H and I only had this discussion like once or twice right after D-day...thing is I'd get the kids, CS, and ALimony plus the house...not much fighting over than but he seemed to think that he would get the house and the kids...HAHAHHHHHAAAA! He didn't even consult a lawyer...I laid it out for him...$850 a monthe in CS plus alimony...I'd have it made with my salary...

They are so funny...just start laughing when you hear something that cracks you up...I wish I had gotten that loving detachment sooner rather than later...

SO, what do you think? Easier than you thought or are you still confused on the issue?

That's sooo funny...He'll get the kids off to school and pick them up...

I often wondered if my H would have to do that how would he handle it...going to work at six in the afternoon before now...getting off at seven. My babysitter just got two little girls, mom up and left and dad's trying to get everything done...they are showing up at 5:30 in the morning and the sitter said she didn't know how much longer she could handle it.

So, that's a great example! LMFAO! ALiens are sooo stupid, just whacked out on some drug....LOL

Ok, so I'm getting ahead of myself here .... and I know, I'm supposed to be in the present, not guessing at the future ....

BUT ....

What happens after he goes down in the death spiral that we can all already see coming? He goes down in flames, taking the kids with him ... and then what? They just end up miserable and punished for the next 4-8 years of their lives for his idiotic choices? If he ever gives them up, it won't be to me -- can't be because of bio-mom ...

I'm all for letting him suffer for his choices .... I've even had a couple (several?) sadistic moments of enjoying the thought of him going down. I just really wish the kids didn't have to suffer with him.

-AmI.

I really would NOT think that far ahead...YOU now know he has NO plan...His little fantasy world is crumbling that's the POINT...bringing reality to him...What do you know about OW? I think that's an important question right now...at least it would be for me...

See schoolbus driver had nothing to offer WH...she lived in an apt., and I found out that she was driving all the way to New Orelans to waitress...H likes his toys to much...and my salary almost matches his pay...there's no way that she could come close to supporting his want for the finer things...

That would be a major in FWH's book...see that's a part of the reality that he had to face...he'd lose the house...have to buy me out...pay CS...alimony...H wouldn't have been able to live the way he likes...

Your H would have to buy you out...find another home not just for him but let's face it the kids...someone to help him take care of them...he'd be missing time from work, all the time...these are things YOU have to help him realize...

WIthout you taking care of those kids and everything else you have done for him...the rental income...alimony, maybe...what kind of life would he be left with?

The grass IS NOT ALWAYS greener on the other side...seems to me that you are still accepting his words as FACT...they have NOTHING to back them up...You saw that today...NO what if's...none...

You're only hurting yourself with what if's...you keep doing what you are doing and make sure that you add that your M CAN be fixed...I know it's tough...especially when your LB is lower or maybe in the red...but this is for YOUR family's best interest...

Don't own his words AmI...they are his...don't enmesh yourself with his illogical pattern of thinking...WH think illogical...You think rational and call it to his attention...

As soon as the kids get wind of what he's doing...more pressure on him...believe that the kids are capable of doing their own work in this sitch...THey are a KEY and I think your fear with them knowing is greater than reality...

OS is 8 and he handled it surprising well...

We can't do what IF's...what's the payoff in that?

He wants to create a fantasy that has no reality in it. Let him. You couldn't talk sense into him if he was staring at you in the face. Why? Because his brain is missing.

So don't fret. Prepare the kids. Ask their opinions. Let them know you are always open to hear their ideas, complaints, encouraging words and will be their support because YOU LOVE THEM. Make them part of your support group and you their's.

The WS babbles about his stupid plans, just nod or if you gotta laugh....'cuz it does get real stupid after a while. LOL!!! Then turn your head away and laugh. He will ask what you are laughing about....tell him his babbling is hilarious it's hard NOT to laugh. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> He will hate no matter what you say so don't worry about the LBs.

Just don't try to teach him anything. He ain't in the learnin' mood.

L.

AmI,

I think it's good he saw you cry. He needs to know that his little fantasy of everything working out easily and perfectly for him is not going to happen. It's even better that he cried. Good. He needs to feel bad.

You're starting to see things more clearly without being clouded by emotion and trauma. This will help you feel better and in more control and will help you deal with him more constructively. It's hard to predict what will happen in the end, but you're on the right track.

Think about emailing him or writing a letter where he can read it a few times, until the words and thoughts sink into his thick skull and your intentions cannot be misunderstood to fit his false reality.

From what he said, it sure sounds like he is counting on you coming to his house and babysitting. He clearly stated that you could leave in the middle of the night or stay at his house. He thinks that's his fallback if he can't get anything else to work -- never mind what you might want. He thinks he can use your love for the kids to cover his sorry a$$. You are vulnerable to being used by him because you love the kids so much. So, I'd just set things straight for him right now -- a little more reality check for him. I'd say, "I will not babysit the kids in your house. I will not be coming to your house. You can drop them off with me and they can stay in their own rooms with their own routines, but I will not come to your house. That is not negotiable."

Also... "So, you want to divorce me. Why are you punishing the kids to get at me? Why do they have to have their lives destroyed for you to get even with me? Haven't they already been screwed over enough by the adults in their lives who should take care of them? We had plans about how to care for the kids before I was aware you'd started up your affair again. At that point, you knew it essential for the kids to have both of us in their lives. Now to get back at me for your choices, you are punishing the kids. What's best for them? Is your revenge and your pride what's best for them? You're causing me plenty of pain as it is. Please don't hurt the kids because you want to hurt me. Even if we work together and we each do our best to care for them and make the transition as smooth as humanly possible, it'll still tear up their world. If you go ahead like you're planning, they will be completely destroyed. And to what end? Really, what does it accomplish?"

IMO, it needs to be clearly stated that you will not be his free babysitter. The only way you will take care of the kids while he works is if they're with you in their own home. Period.

That ought to get him thinking. Have him start looking for childcare BEFORE he takes the kids out of the home. Even if he could possibly find someone who would do it, what will it cost? Is he going to trust a stranger to come into his home and be alone with his kids all night? You two need to sit down and do a preliminary settlement to figure out if he's going to buy you out of the house, how you'll split up assets and how much money will be left. Childcare will cost him a fortune, if he can even find someone.

Oh... since he's talking about renting a house, then it looks like he's finally realized that he can't kick out his cousins from YOUR house. His little attempt at bullying and maniupuation completely failed. You stood your ground and you won that battle. No free rent for him... And if you refuse to compromise on the important things, you'll win each battle along the way. If he wants to move out, he has no choice but to have you take care of the kids. He already knows that. It's just going to take him some time to admit it and adjust to the idea. It hasn't been very long since this all came to a head with the last D-Day and exposure. So, you can't expect a stubborn curmudgeon like him to be reasonable yet. But, his choices are very, very limited. Keep doing what you're doing. Even if he moves out, as long as the kids are with you during the week, you three will be fine. He'll be the one who is totally broke and I'm sure that his OW will start wearing on him when he finally starts thinking about what a fool he looks like to everyone, how he has no home and no money, how he ruined his relationship with his kids, trashed his reputation.. and all for her. Once he makes the realization, he's not going to be a happy camper. If you go on with your life and have a calm, happy existence, he's going to be wondering what he did. This is going to take patience. But, you're the one in the good position here. You just have to take care of yourself and not let him get to you.

I was headed to the lawyer's office, and called to confirm the directions.

They said "Oh, we're so glad you called -- he's been out of the office sick all week. We hadn't written down your phone number."

The next available opening is not until next Thursday .... a whole week.

I don't know if I can wait that long, I really need some good legal info, and fast. I have several corporate attorneys that I work with here, so maybe I will ask one of them for a different referral? I haven't let anyone at work know what's going on ... so I'm a little nervous about doing that....

Ugh.

Just more frustration and waiting ....


Edited to add:
I just asked one of the lawyers here, and he gave me some good reccomendations. I have an appointment on Monday, and another attorney calling me back to schedule an appointment.

It wasn't as hard (or as embarrassing) as I thought to ask for the help ... he was really, really nice about it.

-AmI.

Just dropping by to see how your doing!

LEMONADE!

Take care!

If he doesn't start coming around, maybe you could call OW and tell her that she gets to be the "babysitter" who will pick the kids up after school, take them to all their activities, make dinner, do homework, get them in bed ... and then just wait for him to drag his silly butt home at 3 in the morning. Let her know where the activities are, what they like for dinner, when bed time is, hope she knows algebra...

HA!!!! I like this idea!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
What woman wouldn't be thrilled to death to get such a fabulous opportunity???

She's in that fantasy world as much as he is.

By the way...

If you do choose to act as his babysitter -- get the going rate!
You'll be providing essential services (plus feeding a teenage boy!!!) and that will leave him less money to spend on his affair. (he's have to pay anyone else to do it!!!)

Do some research on what a good nanny is paid!

What kind of a work schedule does the homewrecker have? She likely isn't available for all these errands either...

HA!! Good plan. I just saw an ad today for a live-in au-pair here, and they go for about $300 a week (plus room and board), for 45 hours worth of work per week ....

The daycares around here go for $25 a day, per kid ... and that's for daytime, and without carting them around to activities.

I might give him a bargain and just let him pay my mortgage every month in exchange for me keeping the kids every night. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />




I'm not sure anymore. She used to work nights, similar schedule as WH. No idea what she's doing now ... but I'm sure she won't want to give up her whole week for his kids. She has a daughter of her own, who I'm sure has her own activities.

Talking to the kids tonight .... I'm scared to death, but doing it anyway.

Deep breaths, deep breaths, deep breaths .....

the kids need this talk

they prolly have things to say

but were hesitant to bring up

say your say

then ask them "What do you want to know? Ask me anything I'll do my best."

then be honest

they will respect the person who tells them straight up truth

you are also role-modeling NON-conflict-avoiding adult behavior .... which is good for them

Pep

Believer - popcorn close by the computer..........

Your man has mush for brains.

There is no way that I would babysit his kids. Let him figure that one out on his own. But I would invite the kids over often, and invite them to go places with you.

Tell your husband that you are sad, but realize that you need to "move on", so you will now be taking up basket weaving on Mondays, going to the gym Tuesdays, taking a cooking class Wednesdays, learning how to weld Thursdays, and brushing up on gardening on Fridays.

I would remain madly in love with the kids, and very much in touch with them. Let hubby figure out the logistics of his stupid decisions.

If it winds up that you want to divorce mush head or it happens without your consent... I would make a point to take the kids any chance you get. Soon they will be old enough to come see you on their own and it might be dad who is wondering why he never sees them anymore.
I am really pulling for you... he's a putz!

Hey, just wanted to let you know that I'm here...I came in early tonight...

Had a horrible night last night .... just couldn't stop crying .... big, awful, horrible sobs.

Could manage to pull it together for a little while at a time ... long enough to have dinner with the kids, get them to their activities .... etc.

And long enough to talk to them ... although I was still in and out of tears then, too. Their response was pretty stoic, accepting.... like they will take the time to process before they respond -- very typical of both my kids.

They were in bed and I just couldn't keep it together anymore. I was in my room just falling apart .... and of all the nights, WH came home. He tucked the kids in and was getting something to eat. He called through the door that he was just going to be there for a minute, he was just getting something to eat, then he'd leave. He had the nerve to ask if I was ok. I said "No. This is killing me, WH."

He just left ....

Left me a note thanking me for helping DS with his homework.

At least he didn't break into the bedroom last night when he got off work.

This sucks so bad ..... I can't stop crying again today ... I might go home sick, or work from home today and just go to my mom's, so I can stay away from WH. She's out of town this weekend, so I'd have the place to myself .... with no WH around.

-AmI.