I wrote this before your last post. The situation now is that he's in the house and there's nothing you can do about it. Being kind to him and parenting the kids is NOT being spineless. And I thought this before, but keep forgetting to say it. But, I'm willing to bet the spinless comment came from the OW when she was trying to make you look bad to your H. Remove it from your brain and disregard it. Be yourself, but speak up WHEN you need to when he's being rude or inconsiderate. In the meantime, there's nothing to be gained from sniping at him. And if it'll make you feel better, email him and tell him how you feel. Opening up an honest dialogue is how to heal and move on for both of you.

Anyway... back to my original post...

Steve's ideas sound like common sense to me, but then a lot of it is how I feel. So, makes me feel a bit more certain of offering my thoughts in this situation. I didn't think of it as Plan A, though -- even a modified one. So, that's helps to clarify it, because I can see what he means by that. And Rin's idea about showing respect makes sense and he reinforced that idea.

I'm just worried about you running out of steam, AmI. You really do need to distance yourself emotionally from him at some level and focus on the kids, while trying to get him to remember the good and happy times and reasons for trying to salvage the family. I think if you can get him there, then you can think about the relationship later. One thing at a time.

I'm not sure how I feel about calling the OW. AmI, you haven't said much about her for a long time, so I figured that you weren't comfortable talking about her and it was too painful. If you're up to it, we could all try to brainstorm about if or how to approach her. If we knew more about her, it might help to see if it makes sense and then you could weigh this with what Steve told you. I think it is something that you need to feel certain of before you do it, so that you approach it with strength.

From the little I know about her, my impression is that she's an insecure woman. Women who sleep with everyone - especially a bunch of cops -- tend to have troubled backgrounds and loads of personal issues. If your husband is the first guy in a long time to get really involved with her, then it's possible that she does not want to let go and that she's going for broke in trying to hold on to him. If that's the case, then I don't see how trying to appeal to her decency is going to do anything to help. But, I'm just guessing, based on little info. I'm also wondering if it's been a good thing for your WH to spend so much time with her and she's getting old -- that may be why he's talking more about transparency and intuitively moving back into that mode. It sure sounds like the A is dying its own death and that pushing at the OW could make your stubborn WH try act out to show you that you can't push him around. I think it's a dangerous idea for those reasons. But like I said, I don't have much info and this is a lot of conjecture.

The other thing I keep wondering about is what's going on with your WH. From what you've said, it sounds like this is way out of character for him. Has he ever shown any type of attraction to sleazy women before? Or has he shown disdain for them in the past? I also wonder if he were way more affected by the loss of your son than you or he realizes. People often end up with serious marital problems after a significant loss -- especially with the death or illness of a child. If he's not even aware that he's really hurt and struggling with this, nothing he's doing will make sense to him and since he's acting so horribly, he must be feeling really guilty about this affair. It doesn't sound like he does well with guilt or feeling weak. His cut and run attitude shows that.

The other thing I've thought about -- besides him getting involved with this woman in the first place -- is how calm and reasonable he was after the first exposure and how willing to try to go to counseling, be transparent and make a big effort. As soon as he started acting like a jerk, he must've been back with her. I really wonder how that happened and how he fell off he wagon and why. And... the disclosure of the affair must've been terribly humiliating to him. The system of recording them and his bosses checking in with you must've been excruciating. And worse is that he's back with her. He must really feel horrible -- both at work and in front of both of your families. It does sound like he's calming down with time, but this might be one reason why he's acting like such a jerk -- because it's so difficult for him to deal with everyone knowing yet again. And like his wife, it sounds like he can be too hard on himself. Now that he's messed up, he may have a very hard time forgiving himself and thinking of himself as a strong and good person again.


Anyway, lots to think about, but I think it's important for you to stop making the little digs, do more for him to be considerate (while not fawning on him or being over eager), telling him how you feel... but continuing to parent the kids just like normal. I bet he'll start slowly reacting to your little kindnesses -- especially if you don't make a big deal of them. The light and the laundry are a good start. Watch and see if he's not kinder back. Tiny things can really change the whole dyamics. But, I think you need to take it slowly and not expect anything from him, so that you get yourself into a holding pattern where you don't get hurt too much.

And please don't try to make profound statements or cutesy zingers to him. I think that'll just irritate him. And it puts way too much pressure on you to be someone who you're not. Be yourself and speak up when he's unfair or when you feel sad. Let him know how you feel, but that you're willing to still extend kindness to him, even under these difficult circumstances. It may be very hard for him to accept kindness, so I'd keep it small and I'd not say one thing about it. I think he's going to break soon -- that's my impression anyway.

Hi, Rin.

So...you're scared...nervous...what else?

Tired! And trying hard to find a middle ground between not speaking at all and going for the jugular. Fight or flight syndrome, maybe?


...heck, invite him to go to the movies with you and the kids...

Hmmmm, not sure I can go that far, but I will do fun things with the kids and let him know about it -- and not lock the car door, in case he wants to go, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You know I have your back...

Yes, you always do, and I appreciate it!


no winner or loser in this sitch...do you remember LA telling me separate but equal...creating a win win situation...

Yeah, I get this in my head .... just can't get the feelings to follow. I've been thinking about it and think it really boils down to the whole trying to go to Plan B thing. I think that's why I feel "backed down" now. I tried to make a stand -- of getting him to leave, no contact with him, etc. -- it didn't happen, and now going back to Plan A again just feels like I gave up on that stand I finally took ..... it just seems like serving up a great big platter of cake and saying "have at it". I said "you cannot continue to commit adultery and expect me to act like we're a happy family and I'm ok with it." And going back to Plan A and being considerate and doing things for him again ... while he's still blatantly in the A ... that's the part that feels like I'm just laying down and letting him walk on me.

I think that feeling has been under-shadowing a lot of how I feel and my interactions with him. And that's what I need to get control of.

I think then I might be more able to focus on the real truth, the real reality, and be able to bring it in an authentic way instead of feeling like I have to fight for that ground back.

Does this make sense? If so, can you explain it to me??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

-AmI.

I hope I am wrong... but it is my sincere belief that filing for divorce right now is the best course of action. Either it will stir him to change... or it will get you on the road to life without this stress. I stayed far too long with my ex and know firsthand the devastation that can come from the type of [email]cr@p[/email] this man is putting you through.
Whatever road you choose... please just take care of yourself and the kids first. Do not allow this man to beat you down to a dark place. You deserve so much more and need to ask yourself if you really can ever trust in him again. If the answer is "no" perhaps it is time to move on.
Either way, you are in my thoughts.

Hi, GrownUp.

Lots to think aobut in your post, but I can only respond to parts of it for now. Need to process some more....

Being kind to him and parenting the kids is NOT being spineless. And I thought this before, but keep forgetting to say it. But, I'm willing to bet the spinless comment came from the OW when she was trying to make you look bad to your H.

I expanded a little on this in my response to Rin... as far as it coming from OW ... I don't think so, but it's a thought. I think it came from WH feeling like I was needy and would do anything to keep him, even try again after D-Day 2. He had told other people after D-day 2 that I didn't have a choice but to make the M be over, then -- he had backed me into a corner. At the time, it was a remorseful thing, not a brag. That was when he wanted to try to work things out but thought he'd gone too far and there was no chance.


I didn't think of it as Plan A, though -- even a modified one.

Me either .... but he made a good point and said you have to be in one or the other -- Plan A or Plan B. And since I can't do Plan B yet, I need to make sure that when I can finally get there, it will make the most impact, and he'll have good memories of how things could be, instead of remembering fighting and attacks.

It makes sense, but it's really hard to get back to that. I'm so drained right now, and dragging bottom. I just can't handle much more of WH. So that's why SH said to focus the Plan A on the kids. Keep the house fun and happy, etc. with and for them. Then maybe a little of that will just happen to spill out onto WH a little bit.

All of that, but keep bringing reality. Keep stating truth, being authentic.

And like LA says -- and then cure cancer.


I'm not sure how I feel about calling the OW. AmI, you haven't said much about her for a long time, so I figured that you weren't comfortable talking about her and it was too painful. If you're up to it, we could all try to brainstorm about if or how to approach her.

I'm not sure how I feel about it either. I guess I don't talk about her because I don't have much to say about her. Well, not much that wouldn't get me edited, at least. I think she's desperate trash, and willing to settle for any attention she can get from him. Always available whenever he feels like going over there. I'm not sure what else to say about her. She has a daughter close to DD's age .... has a new puppy that peed on WH's shoe .... owns a tiny, but cute and maintained house on the other side of town .... her XH re-married two weeks after their divorce was final, so I think she was cheated on and is returning the favor...? I'm not sure. Other than that, I don't know too much about her. The rumor is that she's been very available to lots of other married cops, and that there was even a competition between her and another dispatcher on who could break up the most solid-seeming marriages. I don't know how much of that is true, I'm sure that like all rumors, there's plenty of room for exaggeration there. I don't know much about her background or personal issues other than the XH, or how involved she's been with other guys -- seriously dating anyone or whatever -- since the XH. I don't know if she's looking for an H or just a good time. And I don't know how hard she's trying to hold on to him. She hasn't gone so far as contacting me ... but who knows?

It sure sounds like the A is dying its own death

I'm not so sure about this, it was just Sunday that he came home at 9 am after spending the entire night with her. And then Monday night when he was gone to be with her at 2 am. He's been working since then, except for the thing with his work friend on Wednesday.


The other thing I keep wondering about is what's going on with your WH.

That is the million dolar question, right there. Everyone who knows him -- family, friends, co-workers -- everyone is saying that this is not him at all. They ask me if he's on drugs or steroids or what is going on with him. Sure wish I had the answer to that question! When I ask him, he says "Why does somehting have to be wrong with me, why isn't it something wrong with the M?" I said "Then explain to me what you think the problems were in the M." He says "We just grew apart...." or "I just wanted out..." or "I just fell out of love with you...." No real explanations.


Has he ever shown any type of attraction to sleazy women before? Or has he shown disdain for them in the past?

Total disdain ... calls them "cop wh0res".


I also wonder if he were way more affected by the loss of your son than you or he realizes.

I'm not sure that it was the loss that was so hard on him as much as the infertility afterwards. We got to a point where sex was scheduled and a chore .... he'd work all night and dread coming home because he knew it was "that time" .... and I felt the same way. It was not fun, but neither of us really taked about how we were feeling about it.


I really wonder how that happened and how he fell off he wagon and why.

I don't know, either. This is one I'd really like to know about. He says he had been trying to end it for a year and a half, that he had already decided he didnt love me, etc. I told him he could re-write history all he wanted, but just 4 months ago he was telling me how much he loved me and wanted his family back. He says he just wanted out.



I'm going to try to hang in there with the current plan. I don't know how long I will be able to keep trying, though. Keep running that triathlon .....


-AmI.

Thanks, MEDC.

I hope you are wrong, too, but have to admit that I'm closer to your POV than to SH's. I told him that I didn't know if we were recoverable, and he really, really thinks that we are.

But I am still moving forward with getting paperwork ready to go. I wouldn't be ready to file yet for another week, probably, anyway .... so I am willing to give this my all until then.

I think that focusing on myself and the kids will help a lot. And I'm trying to take some of the presure off myself.

I really don't know if I'd ever be able to trust him again. Him being capable of ripping my only children away from me is feeling pretty un-forgivable right now.

I guess I just need to know that I did every possible thing to keep this faily intact, I need to be able to face my kids and say that to them. So I'm willing to try SH's plan a little bit longer. I invested plenty of time with a worthless MC, so it seems like I owe it to the M, and my vows, and my kids, to put in a little more time with it now that there's a real, decent plan.

-AmI.

For all my noise about wanting him out of the house ....

I came home tonight and the classifieds were out, with a pen on them.... and I was worried that he had been looking for a new place to live!!

What?? I was afraid now that he might actually be going????

What is wrong with me??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Just fear of change AmI. I was afraid myself... but right now, life could not be better!
And for the record, it is clowns like your H that make dating sooooo easy for me! There are so many women (and men) out there that have been so abused by their ex's that showing caring and respect to them is an easy way to make them feel wonderful.
Your H will wake up one day and regret everything he has done... and that may not be until you are happy with another love in your life...when you will look back at him and think there's no way you would go back...and he will know he screwed up. I hope he wakes up before then! I really do... but I know the type and he just seems bent on ruining everything right now.
Don't you wish you could just speak to the rational caring person that once inhabited his body... sadly, he seems to be gone.
Keep your head up AmI. You are fighting the good fight for your family.

Fear of change .... yeah, probably.
I'm getting really tired of this rollercoaster.

He stopped by during his shift last night to have some Pizza and talk about his night ... but then didn't say good-bye or anything to anyone when he left -- we didn't even know he was gone, and didn't come home after work. It's 5 am .... he's still not here (gets off work at 2:30).

Why does this have to hurt so much???

Why does it hurt? Because it is disrespectful, unloving and not showing care.

Ask the WS, would he like it if he was treated as he is treating you and the children? He may feign not understanding what you are saying, look straight into his eyes and tell him in his native tongue would he like t/b treated less than dirt because that is how his family feels he treats them. Don't back down....let him feel your pain.

I said that to mine and at first he was too numb and dumb. Later he felt the pain. He said he wouldn't like it and so I asked him what right he had t/d that to us.

Awwhhhh....the beginning of the end....unraveling the A. Not only was the A no longer exciting, it was downright painful at times for that WS. I demanded he be like a ray of sunshine not a bolt of lightening when he was around us. Of course that goes quite contrary to the WS POV. LOL!!! Pure ammo' that c/b liquid ammo or the gunpowder stuff. LOL!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> Either way it was meant to make a change, either clean up or blow up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

AmI,

How about talking to your fear (when you saw the classifieds) and asking it what it's there for? Don't assume where it comes from...find out. Could be change, could be reality (might discover you have a little hidden expectation), could be a lot of things.

Only you can know.

Can you practice flipping your thoughts like pancakes? You said you aren't sure that him taking the kids away is forgiveable...and I hear you saying that from when, last week or the week before? Can you flip that to seeing he brought them back? That he hasn't been running them off...in essence, he returned them? Know the other side of the thought...don't dwell in it...you won't know what's forgiveable and what isn't until you're asked for it, will you?

If this thought is coming from that hidden expectation...that little scenario under your radar of living in a future you're desperately trying to divine...let it go, 'k? We do this...we taught ourselves to self-soothe through fantasy...since children..."When I grow up, I'm gonna <blank>" and we chose the future to dwell in...because we believed that living there was better, a relief, from living here, in the present, where we had no control.

You know better as an adult. All your power and limit is within this moment...this one day. Right now. You know that. This is your reminder.

Feel your fear...talk to it...it's yours, trying to tell you something...don't fear your fear...it's valid and yours...may be coming from an invalid source.

Do the same for your anger, pain, relief from them (when it comes in nanseconds and then leaves) and sadness. This is the toughest part of your journey, I think...you and your emotions...from the secret belief it's better not to have any bad ones (believing there are bad ones)...from years of thinking you're protecting yourself from what is part of you...instead of owning all of you.

And look in your posts! You're speaking of them here...how terrific! Acknowledge your change, where your mind is at, and what your emotions are...that's living right now and YOU ARE!

Have you noticed how much you feel when you have your special nights with the kids? You glow on the board, for Pete's sake! Do you think maybe you gave yourself permission all these years to feel positive emotions, show them and state them...and revoked the permission (a long time ago) to not do that with what you consider negative ones?

Wanna do the villagers again?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

About my comment to cure cancer...when you handed it back to me, I saw it with a different perspective. Mine is...you can cure cancer...I believe without doubt you could, Triathalon Woman...if you had the tools, knowledge and deep desire...same with growing...your marriage...all who you really are...with the tools (perception and perspective), knowledge (MB and books), and the deep desire.

Are you okay with getting in touch with your deepest desires and knowing them, living from them? Or are you more in tune with fearing them? Fearing not getting them?

Cut your pain in half, AmI...half of it is your doing...half is his...

His choices are NO reflection of you...and that HURTS. Find out all the ways you look to WH to reflect who you are...that you aren't even aware of. Your choice. Your power. Your monitoring...record what you know in your family journal...for whatever might or might not come. Do not choose to monitor to inflict pain on yourself, to substantiate your fears or rightness...you don't need to build a case to not love your H (he's not there, WH is)...you love by choice. You do not love your WH. I know you don't. I know you love your H and miss him terribly...and his reflecting powers.

Halve your pain, AmI. Stay present, aware and know this has nothing to do with you (OUCH) and learn why you chose to see yourself reflected and not directly. Mirroring yourself is what great self care is, isn't it?

In a healthy marriage, we do reflect one another...to a much lesser degree...until you get there, remove the mirror from his hands...my DH and I discovered how fatiguing that was, to hold it, and led to a lot of resentment justification for our crushing actions. Take it back. You know who you really are...tell yourself, coach yourself, and love yourself right now, 'k?

You're worth it. You are valuable. Lovable. Without a word spoken or an action taken. You Are.

LA

How are you AmI? Just checking in to see how the weekend is going?

Did you ask about the classifies?

I'm looking forward to hearing how things are going!

I don't know how I could possibly feel any more confused.

I'm trying to Plan A. Did some laundry, leaving the lights on for him, etc ....

No truth bringing statements, though .... no real oportunities.

DS's birthday party was this weekend. He had a few friends, and the whole family coming over Saturday night -- then he and the friends were going to see a movie and spend the night. WH came home after 5:30 Saturday morning -- I had run to the grocery store, so wasn't there when he came in, or I would have tried to tell him just how much I hurt when he does that. I spent the day getting ready for the party (made a cake that looked exactly like an X-Box ... I was pretty proud of it!) while WH slept.

Party time and he was all fun and sunshine. Chatting and being great with everyone -- including me. Bragging about the cake and all the stuff I'd done for the party, just like way pre-A .... So he spends the night with his mistress, then comes here and just pretends that we're a happy family? How does he do that??? Can I tell you how much my heart twists up into knots from this kind of flip-flopping?

Anyway, we got along fine all night -- had a house full of teenage boys as a distraction. Common enemy thing, maybe? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> The boys were sleeping in the basement, so WH slept on the recliner in the living room. Came into my room a few times in the morning, bathroom, shower, getting dressed, etc., but wasn't obnoxious about it. Once he even apologized for waking me up.

Today, after I got the kids home from church, I had to go to the office for a while. WH took a nap in my bed while I was gone. Why??? My TV is still downstairs where the boys were using it, so it's not like he could hang out and doze off watching football in there .... and the basement was clean by then, so why wouldn't he nap there?

He was friendly today .... just chatting, playing with the kids. And then told me he had been called in for overtime tonight. Told me he was working 6 to 6, a regular shift for a regular crew. But then I heard him talking on his work phone asking the Sgt to let him go early, around 1 or 2, if it slows down (he's covering for a normal crew that is short on people).

Why does he even bother to lie to me about this anymore?


Wanna know the really crazy thing? All weekend long, all I could think is that I don't want a D. I don't want him to move out. I want to go beg him not to. I wanted to invite him to sleep in our bed last night since the boys were in his room (I didn't, but I wanted to). I want my DH back, SOO much. And when I'm nice and Plan A, then he's great at pouring on the charm .... which makes me feel hopeful .... but what is there not to be charming about, when there's an endless supply of cake, right?

Ugh! One minute, I just want away from him ... I want to make him feel all the pain that I feel, I want to go for the jugular in a nasty, vicious D and take everything and leave him penniless. And then the next minute, I just want to make everything better. I want to have hope again, I want to beg him to come back to me and pretend like the last 10 months never happened, and spend forever in his arms ....

My bed smells like him, now, since he slept in it today ... it makes me cry and wish he was there with me. Going to be interesting to try to sleep tonight.

-AmI.

Ami,

Sounds like the party went well. But that is temporary and if he reverts to a WS, all that show is for naught. Really think about it, if you were a guest at a home and knew a parent was putting on a show.....would you think well of the schmuck? Hm.... u know not all were fooled. Stupid WS'. They think they can make people think all is well when the whole time they are like the emperoer walking around with NO CLOTHES ON!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Ok..... so what u t/d? R U done with your plan A improvements yet?

Steve said to hang in there a while, right? Ok, hang but don't get hung or hung up on anything from a WS. OK?!??!?!?

Now if you bedding smells like a WS and it is weakening your defenses....go wash those sheets. Ever hear that song "I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair"? Might be too old of a song. LOL!!!

If he is sleeping on the sofa or recliner or even in the spare room....no special favors. No extra cleaning or making it nice for him. He'd better learn that when he laevas your services are NOT going with him. Best he learn that now. As for washing his sheets in his room. WHY?!?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Don't want you t/b confused but his very presence is doing just that. U figure how much longer you want him to confuse you.

Btw, your confusion is giving strength to the WS. That s/b an incentive, eh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

I am so sorry that you are still dealing with the hurt and confusion that he CHOOSES to deliver to your door every single day. Why in the world... after all he has done and is continuing to do... would you sell yourself so short and want a man that can treat his W and kids in such a horrible fashion. He knows what he is doing. AmI... it is, IMHO... time to dump this guy. If you want any chance to save your dignity and self respect... it very well may be that you have to take a very agressive stance at this point. I could not disagree with SH more strongly. Your H is an emotional bully and he will not respond to a plan A at this point...it will require a far more agressive..."you're not abusing me anymore" approach.... like serving him with D papers. That will most assuredly get his attention and may even get him away from his wh0re. He will see that there are real and lasting consequneces to his actions.
Just MHO and I hope it is okay to express it. I am getting angry for you!
Be well and try and take care of you.

Ami...

I know you are being advised directly by SH...and thank goodness for that...but I have a couple of questions.

Why are you back in plan A? Did SH advise that you redo it for some reason? Perhaps because of your legal nonstatus with the children? I'm confused.

Generally speaking plan A...followed by plan B...followed by discovery of false recovery...would result in immediate resumption of plan B...somehow YOU went back to page one.

What happened there?

Ami, how are you doing?

I think you're getting close to "B" time. Steve is trying to encourage you to last as long as you can, but when you start losing your love and respect for him -- it will be time to take back your power.

I think Plan B is really powerful if done right. You don't even know how important you are to him -- he probably doesn't fully realize it either.

You are critical to him living life as he wants to. Right now your presence in his life is enabling him to continue his affair. If you weren't home every nite to take care of those kids, he wouldn't be able to be with HER every nite after work.

If you weren't there, the kids wouldn't get fed, get their homework done, get to bed on time, go to their activities.
You make that all possible.

Without you, WH can't afford the house or his lifestyle.

When you are ready to take yourself out of this situation -- his real consequences begin. That is when I think you will see him change. When the reality of his choices start slapping him in the face. Right now he is still living a fantasy. And you're helping.

He can't afford the house alone. And you shouldn't leave and have to still be responsible for those payments. If you left, and still had to make sure the house was paid for he wouldn't be facing the full consequence. So that is why I think you need to file. So that you have the impetus to make him leave.

Be there for the kids -- absolutely. Let them stay even. But make him go. Keep putting the mirror up. You have to!

Do you have any more appointments with Steve set up?

Noodle,

I think SH told her to go back to plan A b/c the WH is still in the house and she really can't go into an effective plan B with him there. She needs to be in one plan or the other and not in between. That's my take on it. I would say that he is still ripe for a good plan A b/c he is still being somewhat accountable to her for his whereabout (even if he is not totally being truthful 100% of the time, he still feels a need to tell her). He still feels that connection to her. He is not ready to let go but he needs her help to climb out of this hole he's dug himself into.


AmI,

I have been keeping up with your sitch but don't really post to you much. I relate alot to you b/c my FWH is also a cop. He also got involved with another form of cop wh0re. She was not a dispatcher she was a Child Protective Services worker. They are also notorious for being OW. Too bad she had no desire to protect my children.

Anyway, the one thing I notice throughout all of this is that you are not doing anything for yourself. What about AmI? What about your life outside of this mess? This is so hard to do but what incentive are you giving your WH to change when you are still at home taking care of the kids everynight while he's out working and spending time with OW?

I agree with SH that you need to continue plan A while he is stil in the house but that doesn't mean that you don't get to have your own life too. When do you go out? When does WH have to stay home with the kids and wonder where you are at? He threatens you with the kids but he has yet to be made to take over any responsibility for them. I don't mean go out and purposely try to make him jealous. That is not what I'm saying at all. But you need to let him know that AmI has her own life too, she cares about herself, she has places to go and friends to spend time with.

Get some girlfriends together, dress up nice, do your hair, your nails, etc. go out and just have fun.

The biggest thing that changed my FWH's attitude at the beginning of this was that I started doing 180's. I became the woman I was when he met me. Not just for him, but for myself. I wanted to be that woman again even if he and I divorced. She wasn't just a mom and a wife.

I hope this is making sense. I sometimes start to ramble. And, here is my other bit of advise...

Everything you do, even your plan A, needs to be for yourself. Not to see what you can get in return. When you are hopeful that your actions are going to get an action in return you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Do these things for your WH b/c you love him and you want to know that you did everything in your power to be a good wife and a good person. Not to "win" him back. They can tell when you aren't being genuine.

Also, don't read into anything that he does. They don't even know why they are doing these things. Who knows why he slept in your bed. Sometimes instead of questioning the motives you just have to laugh at their confusion. I actually felt sorry for my FWH when he was doing these contradictory things. You will drive yourself nuts if you question every move he makes.


One last thing about Plan A. I see you are doing the small stuff again like leaving the light on, the laundry and stuff. But what are you doing to try to meet the needs that weren't being met in the first place? SH told me during my sessions that you need to be doing as much as you can to meet those needs, the WH is going to balk at them, he's going to tell you it's too little too late, etc but that just means it's working. It's making him uncomfortable b/c it's taking away his justifications. You want to do just enough to make him uncomfortable.

What are his needs AmI? Plan A is not just about being nice to him.

I agree with this wholeheartedly but she can still help him see this reality even before she goes to plan B. He needs to start being accountable for his kids, not just relying on AmI to take care of them while he's with his wh0re. What is he doing on his days off? These should be his days to have the kids. He should not be allowed to just come and go as he pleases while AmI is at home still being responsible for everything 100% of the time.

She IS enabling the affair and he knows it and is not going to change that unless she sets some groudrules. He wants to threaten her with the kids but still expects AmI to be at home taking care of them 24/7 while he's out with OW. This has to stop!

Orchid and Noodle:
I tried to go to Plan B when I found out that the A had resumed. WH refused to move out of the house. My attorney and SH both advised me not to move out of the house, either -- biggest problem with that is losing ground for the legal relationship with the kids. (Plus I told the kids that I would not walk away from them).

It was very difficult to Plan B with WH in the house, and SH said it didn't make sense to continue trying, that it just made me look petty and silly instead of really yanking the rug out from under him, which is what Plan B is designed to do. And SH said you have to be in one plan or the other, so it needs to be Plan A, although a modified version of it where I face him with the reality of his choices every chance I get.

So, that's what I'm trying to do. But I feel like I got "backed down" .... like I took a stand trying to Plan B, and with the exposure, etc .... and now I'm rolling over for him again. That's what is making this so hard right now.


MEDC --
Papers are in the works and will hopefully be ready by the end of this week. So I'm at least trying to hang in there with SH's plan until then. I don't mind you expressing your opinion at all -- I very much appreciate it. "Why in the world... after all he has done and is continuing to do... would you sell yourself so short and want a man that can treat his W and kids in such a horrible fashion." This is a great question. And it's part of the constant argument when I'm confused and fighting with myself. I want my DH back, and I see glimpses of him once in a while that really make me long for him, but then I wonder how could I want someone who is capable of what he's done?

I can't legally get him out of the house, even when I file. But that may give him an extra nudge. Especially when he finds out that I'm requesting parenting time. But until I can get him out, SH is saying to do this modified Plan A, so that when he is out, the last impression he has is a good one. For the record, SH thinks I should have been in Plan B a long time ago .... but with the reality of WH in the house, it just doesn't work.


Lexxxy --- I'm trying to get that mirror up every chance I get. Haven't had many oportunities in the last couple of days, but I'm not giving up on that at all. I have another appointment with SH the end of the week and am trying to get WH on the phone with him before that, but I don't know if it will happen.

I agree that I need him out of the house and need to do a decent Plan B (even though sometimes I don't really want him to leave, which is crazy). I just can't make that happen yet. Even filing, though, will not automatically make that happen -- not until everything is final.


LA -- I am still processing your post, not forgetting or ignoring it. Wow, big realization that a lot of my pain is coming from the confusion and trying to predict the future and is therefore self-inflicted. I'm trying hard to let some of that go.... have a lot of old stuff to keep working on....


Rin
You're such a great friend. Thanks for checking in on me this weekend!!


-AmI.

AmI,

Hey, Reality Bringer...

Where are you?

"Since you slept on my bed, I can smell you now. Hurts like crazy. I see you come home from being with your adultery partner and see you act like a part of our family, for son's bday party. I feel severe pain from rejection to soaring hope for our marriage in sixty seconds. I think I'm a Ferrari."

Practicing O&H statements...so that with or without WH, you will live a truthful, intimate life.

When you overheard him talking to his Sgt about getting off earlier...give yourself permission to say, "I know you might get off early, if its possible. Will you be home with your family at 2am or with someone wrecking your marriage? You are my husband. My perception was you acted like it last night at the party. Now I fear you are planning to act like you're not by sleeping with another woman right after being with everyone who really loves you. I'm feeling confused and torn right now."

LA