I dont think people generally go to one single MC session, and suddenly turn their whole life around then and there.
I would think you should give him some time to honestly absorb things from the call.
a few days, minimum.

Yeah, sorry, I guess I need to clarify what I meant ....

I don't anticipate that anything will be resolved by this one phone call. I don't even anticipate that there will be any changes anytime soon. Steve is great, but I certainly don't expect him to be God -- making everything better with just a few words.

What I was trying to say is that I feel under-handed for trying to get WH to consider the possibility that recconciliation is possible - which is what SH wants to do - while at the same time behaving, myself, like it's not -- by getting D papers ready. And then serving him right after he does take that step -- that I asked him to take -- really doesn't feel good at all. It feels like slapping him right in the face for daring to trust and help me a little bit.

Does that make more sense? It just doesn't feel good to me.

I still think I need to have the papers ready. That filing is one of the only tools I have to help prod him out of the house so I can get into a decent Plan B, which I think I need to be in. So I'm still moving forward with that, and they will be ready. It just feels icky and underhanded and sleazy, and I don't like being the sneaky, underhanded one.

-AmI.

I'm a little confused, please forgive me...

I fully understand having the papers ready, but do you mean you will serve WH after his talk with SH regardless of the outcome?

You asked him to talk to Steve to help you. I think that helps to reinforce that you didn't expect Steve to change his mind.
This is something you need to do to protect yourself. Steve is helping you to move on, filing is part of that. Maybe he will feel you slipping away.

Anyway, Steve isn't going to have a magic wand -- its going to take days or even weeks for some of it to sink in.

I think Lexxy's got a good point!

What did Steve say about you filing D papers?

Steve said no D papers yet, until he had talked to WH.

So SH will probably help me with strategy info when I talk to him on Friday, after he's talked to WH.

I don't know for sure if I will have him served either way. The biggest purpose for serving him would be to get him out of the house. He spent the day yesterday looking at other places, so it's possible that I won't have to go that far right away. I do have to be ready to file right away as soon as he moves out in order to protect the chance of getting time with the kids. So -- I'm going to have to be ready to file one way or the other .... the question will be when.

-AmI.

Okay, thank you for the clarification! I was starting to worry that you were going to jump the gun. LOL

I recommend that you do EXACTLY what Steve tells you to do.

IMO, he's an ABSOLUTE GENIUS!!!

I know this is well intended. I suggest that you do what you are able to do without hurting yourself too much more. SH may be a great MC... but he is not going through this AI... you are... and you need to take care of yourself first since your H seems to have little interest in doing so at this point.

The thing with counselors... IC or MC... they can tell you what they think based on their experience... but they cannot determine a persons threshold for pain.

Another Disclaimer: I consider Steve Harley to be one of God's Blessings to Me and MY HUSBAND...OUR MARRIAGE.....

That being said.... he is open and DIRECT about not considering himself to be a MARRIAGE COUNSELOR. He describes himself as being a MARRIAGE COACH. That is why I say to do what he tells you to do...

I had my pen out and ready each time he COACHED me..

He answeed the questions that I asked him and was clear about telling me EXACTLY WHAT TO DO and WHAT TO SAY....

that's why Harley's approach is called

planning

not so much

"therapy"

steps to take
pragmatic
realistic
deals with what is

I like that

Pep

Steve's been pretty great so far with giving me very specific steps and plans, things that will work -- which is what I really like about him. It's SO much better than our ineffective MC, who I guess was a little more of a therapist? Just got us talking about feelings, but never what we could do about them.

He's also taken into account where I am and how I'm feeling when he gives me the steps. I did tell him that I was getting the D papers ready, and that I felt like it might be the only way to get WH out of the house. And that I am losing steam fast and my neck is going to break if I don't get off this roller coaster. He thinks I need to get into Plan B as soon as possible -- for my own sanity -- but thinks there may be a better way of doing it other than filing. He wanted me to hold off on actually getting WH served for as long as I could, but was glad that I was getting the paperwork ready. He also told me to focus my Plan A on the kids, not WH ... and that's helping me get through a little longer.

I have to have paperwork ready to serve as soon as WH moves out, so I can keep my case with the kids intact. So I'm not letting that drop at all.

It still feels really yucky to me, though.

-AmI.

Can you do a legal separation rather than filing for divorce?

Hi, AmI! (((((AmI))))) Just cause I wanted too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Wow, look at the girl I once knew, who suddenly grew into a classy lady!

Do you feel stronger and stronger everyday? I see a lot of different changes in you, I promise all for the best...the best you!

Did you enjoy your "window" shopping last night? you know until someone made the comment, I didn't realize that you didn't speak about doing things for yourself. How's it feel to care for you?

I have a secret...tomorrow night there's an Al-anon meeting...I checked into it...I'm super nervous but since L's not here...I feel comfortable in going check it out. So, on top of being nervous, I don't know where this place is, and I'm frieghten about going. Shhhhh...don't tell anyone! LOL

I hope you enjoy your night...take care!

Ami - I would offer a word of caution about some of the advice you receive here. Go with those who have recovered their marriages, and go with the advice of the man who has assisted in the recovery of marriages - Steve has a track record that nay-sayers can't refute or say were situational. I was here when Mimi went through her trials - and it was miraculous.

She had a hard time doing a real Plan B - several false starts. And I know she struggled because while there were those like Pep and Mel with experience guiding her through the Plan B process in between her appointments with Steve, there were others who knew much less about marriage building and marriage recovery telling her to just cut her losses and get out.

Eventually, she got the blinders on to those who would direct her away from her goal of marriage recovery, and focused on just being the best her in a spectacular Plan B - and it worked. So follow Steve's instructions. You will not regret it! Regardless of the outcome, you will be a better you! And you will know you have absolutely done everything you could.

WH just left. He showered and got all dressed up .... then his phone rang.....

He started getting his stuff all together. I asked "are you going out?" He said "Yep." wouldn't look at me or anything. "I said I wish I could explain to you how much this hurts me." At least I got my mouth open .... and wasn't angry or nasty or anything else. Anyway, he was walking out the door as I said it ... never would look at me, just slammed the door and left.

My heart is so crushed. I don't know why I let myself start feeling hopeful ...... it makes these falls just hurt so much more.

I really need him out of the house, so I can do a decent Plan B and not have to SEE this all the time. I'm also scared for him to actually go, but it has to be much better than this. At least then I won't know if he's gone all night or whatever.

God, this hurts. Why do I keep signing up for this????

-AmI.

There was a zone that I got into when I started to reclaim me - first I started speaking up which you are doing... Eventually I reached a point, where my husband laid out a whole bunch of conditions for reconcilliation (this was before his EA, but when he had been verbally and emotionally abusive to the point where our minister stepped in and told me to leave my husband and let him deal with reality without my rescuing him) and I simply said, "Those are not conditions I'm willing to meet. I'm perfectly at ease with your decision to end our marriage." Totally unlike me... I said it calmly without anger or revenge. I was at peace with whatever came at me...

That calmness has transferred over into other areas of my life - it's been 10.5 years since that time of separation; 6 since his EA. I counselled with Steve's father, Willard Harley during the separation - before I knew how to navigate the internet.

Just to give you an idea of how becoming a woman of strength blesses you regardless of the marriage outcome... This last week, The manager of another sales department with our company was enraged when one of my customers cancelled an order with her department and made it with what my department offered instead... I was none too happy with it myself. I got the raw end of the deal. Later on, we were in a meeting to hammer out differences between our departments and this customer came up - this manager basically told me that my opinion on what was best for this customer was wrong - since my position is more "counseling" than "sales" - I flat out told her that it wasn't her place to decide if I was wrong - that if she wanted to be a counselor, she was more than welcome to come on over and apply for a position.

I would NEVER have stood up to someone like that 10 years ago. In fact, I didn't stand up to that kind of person 4 years ago, and it got me fired.

I am a woman of strength. You are on the same path. That's why you keep signing up for this.

Three cheers for KA!! Hurray! Hurray! Hurray!

(((((((((((AmI))))))))))))

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this pain and hurt. you may know by now that I'm a firm believe in what does not kill us will only make us strong. You CAN do this! YOU ARE! I see you get a little better at it everyday!

You are a great person AmI! You love those kids and those kids love you. You are doing this for YOU but them too!

Thanks, KA.

Wow, that is inspiring ....

I wish I could feel that strong. I wish the lesson wasn't so painful to learn!!

-AmI.