[color:"blue"]~~~Ark's famous post~~~ [/color]


~BE THE LIGHTHOUSE~


Your spouse is in huge conflict....

the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...

the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...

It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush

their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...

their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth

all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life...

yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....

they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...

he or she is lost to themselves...

and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...

You become the lighthouse..
you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...

see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...

Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get...

you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....

they are untrustable right now...

but you know that...
so they can't hurt you right now...
they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...

you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions.....

set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives....

without lovebusting...
offer alternatives that let them see the children...but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them...

you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....

Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...

seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....

your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...

no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul...

and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...

and eventually they will see that you are the only one...

who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...

be the lighthouse....

Hoooooorah! I finally made Pep happy! (my secret mission in life!)
I'm actually having a good day, and I can't thank you enough for making me see things clearly. You are an angel sent to us here at MB. Thank you!
I have a whole bunch of things to do, things he didn't want to do, or didn't like to do. I'm going to make a life that I can be proud of, and if doesn't want to be part of it, his loss.
Maybe you should tell me to stop smoking too? I might just do it... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

B3D

I will ... in time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for cutting me some slack on that one...give me a couple of days, k? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
Off to clean the house. WH coming by to watch our daughter while I go to read to son's class. Should be fun (the reading, not him coming over!)

B3D

b3d,

I am sorry you are back. But what pep said at the begining of the thread hit a little close to home.

My FWW is an alcoholic. Geez pep could you have said it any better?

I personally resembled much of what was said there. My FWW finally started AA on 1.1.06. This is her third time in AA but this time it is sticking.

It did not get better right away. The perception of her sobering up and changing that I had were a little off base.

But now we have started MC again. Things are looking better for us. She can no longer hide behind the disease and she is learning to be accountable for her actions.

I can say that if she were still drinking today I would not be here.

There are certain boundries you must place or conditions to stay in this M.

An addict will chose their addiction first until they hit rock bottom. My FWW's rock bottom was me telling her to sober up so when I divorce you I don't have to worry about leaving the kids with you or I will just make sure I never have to leave the kids with you.

That was 1.1.06. Things would be going nowhere fast in our M if she was still drinking.

Please do not subject yourself to this any longer. Go to the Al Anon meetings and get yourself better.

Possibly look into codependancy and enabling. Maybe even conflict avoidence.

Good luck and I wish you the best

Thanks for your support hurtingless. I'm sorry for what you've been through.
Did your wife leave and then return? Was she asking for a divorce at the time? Still in the affair?
I'm moving on with making my life better, with a hope that he will do the things that he knows he'll need to do to be a part of our lives again. He's still seeing her, but not living with her. Says he's not drinking, and is open to seeing a Dr. to get his AD's sorted out, and possibly counseling.


B3D

bump