Morning folks...

Thanks, Orchid, for those kind compliments. I will copy and forward those on to her.

So, 2Long, I didn't mean 2B 2Long in getting those answers 2U, but here you go:

"Number A: How did your sons take this news?"

#2S was, I think, really shocked and hurt. He was very, very quiet for a long time. I felt so badly for him, I know that it was hitting him that Mom and Dad are really, really history. After he had recovered, he asked how long I had known her and then he said "Well...it's your decision". And that was it, then he was kind of back to his chipper self talking about other things.

#1S seemed to take it better. He said he was felt better about it because he knew that my pastor had been in it. But..he said he still didn't know how he felt about "this divorce and remarriage thing". And...he said he felt like he should be excited and congratulate me, but he just couldn't do it.

I think it's important to note that I didn't ASK the boys for their blessings, their okay, their input. I advised them of my decision. Period. And...I DID ask each of them if they would pray for me and Ann, and they both replied they would.

I plan on offering an opportunity to each to meet her next week. I don't know if they will want to or not...and I'll not press the issue, I will just make the offer.

"Letter 2: How did your xW take this news?"

Efforts to visit her Monday night and Tuesday nights were "not good" for her, so we've tentatively agreed that I'll come over tomorrow (Friday) after work. So...she doesn't know yet.

"Your xW will forever be your sons' mother, so how she 2k the news is not trivial, either...."

Okay, my prediction on her response: Severe anger, a feeling of justification, and possibly trying to kick / slap me.

As a matter of fact, "our" friends that I had dinner with last night strongly recommended that I not tell her in person, just e-mail or write her, for just that reason.

And...in other news...

Working in concert with my pastor, we are starting a home Bible study tonight at my house. We plan on meeting bi-weekly, and I'm really, really excited about this. If the weather is conducive, we'll meet out on the deck. Should be a wonderful evening.

And...this past Sunday I began teaching the High School Sunday School class. Boy is that different!! But, we had a great time and I really enjoyed it. Teaching these kids is a lot, lot different than any kids I've taught in the past. Should be a rewarding experience.

In the near future I may post my thoughts on where to live and solicit your (ya'lls?)input. That is heavy on my mind right now.

Mimi...are you sure YOU'RE not really Mariah?

Georgia

GG,

It sounds like both of your boys were a bit shocked....how fast has this happened? I'm a little surprised that they've had no opportunity to meet Ann BEFORE you announced your engagement. When did you and Ann meet, and how long have you been dating? Did they even know you were dating?

Hi star*fish -

It has been pretty obvious to me that they didn't wish to be kept informed of their dad's relationship(s). #2S knew that I was seeing someone and he specially asked me not to tell him about her.

I think it would have been very, very unwise to have included them beforehand. I am very comfortable that I have done it this way as their relationship with their Mom can't be impacted by all the questions she will pepper them with (how long have you known about her?, why didn't you tell me?, have you met her?, what is she like?, etc.). Now everyone is on an even keel....no need to walk on eggshells over this. And...they will not have to agonize over what they should have said that MIGHT have gotten Mom and Dad back together instead of him marrying another woman.

They would not have been open to meeting her...and it is indeed not clear at all that they will wish to do so in the near future. I hope they will...but my relationship with my wife will come first.

Sorry to seem direct, but the time when they will be "ready" for Dad to see someone else, much less remarry, will never come.

And...by the way...her #1D can't imagine Mom ever even thinking about seeing another man, much less re-marrying...even though her Dad has been deceased for 3 years.

And...how fast? About 3 months.

Georgia

FGG:


I won't judge your decisions or timings, I don't think. It sounds like you're aware already of the possibilities here. I remember having lunch a few years back with Mr and Mrs Still Seeking, where she told me that her parents had been DV'd and remarried for 25 years or so, and that it's still hard on her and her siblings.

I guess that, under the circumstances in which your M ended, things will be strained for some time. But I would hope that your faith, and your xW's faith, will ultimately enable you 2 smooth things over so that everyone can respect the others' life choices.


Wow. My dad remarried within a year of my mom's death 10 years ago, after a nearly 50-yr marriage. My sisters and I would not have minded, except they set the date, if I remember correctly, at the reception for my sister's husband's funeral (he died suddenly). Most of us didn't make the wedding, but we had a decent relationship with her, and certainly with him.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble and distraction.

please take care,
-ol' 2long

Good Morning, Georgia:


I can't stop laughing about this...

I am a MAJOR FAN of hers...for sure...

I really relate to the words of her songs..from the beginning up to NOW..."I'm leaving it all behind..just making the most of life"....Excuse me, I can't get her music out of my head..on such a HIGH about the concert...

BUT, I am not REALLY her..continuing to laugh out loud....

My H "UNDERSTANDS" and "VALIDATES" my admiration of her body, supporting my compulsion for working out but he told me to not go so far as the SEQUINED BUTTERFLY on my lower back. I also don't have the BIG HAIR and I'm not going there....continuing to laugh out loud...Enough of this....

Onward to you. You said:



I have to agree wholeheartedly with your friends. What would be the purpose of telling her in person or at all? You are FINISHED with her... PERIOD...as you say...You owe her NO EXPLANATION, IMO. It would bother me if I were your fiancee for you to feel the need to explain or talk to her AT ALL, especially if not in my presence....Call her on the phone if you have to..WITH ANN BEING RIGHT THERE....

Like someone else said, why the rush to get married? Why not make this a LONGER engagement? I'm surmising you have a reason.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hi Mimi....

You obviously have observed Mariah more closely than I...sequined butterfly?

And...to the xW issue. The ONLY reason that I feel I should be the one to tell her is for the sake of the boys. Otherwise, (at least this is what I'm thinking) she will find out some other way (maybe from them?) and they will have to endure her wrath first hand. I'd rather just tell her, the boys can claim no knowledge of the whole thing, and she can have her temper tantrum without involving them.

I can assure you I have absolutely no feeling that I NEED to tell her.

Make sense? Or not?

I agree that you should probably not tell your XW in person.

I also think you did a good job in how you told your sons...it was best to let them know your decision and not seek their blessings/approval that they probably are not capable of giving at this point anyway. These are your life choices, not theirs. At least it isn't Lynn, whom you dated prior to your divorce.

You have been a busy guy this last year.

Agree with others. Don't tell her in person.

Your boys are big boys. They can take it if she vents on them. It may help them understand why you aren't with her any longer. That might be good.

Your decision, but think about it.

SS

Wow...so many opinions which seem to be stay at least 1 mile from her when she finds out (slightly greater than the distance that a projectile can be fired with accuracy from a small bore rifle).

And...Mimi..I see your question. You will just have to trust me, we both mature grown-ups and a coast-to-coast romance isn't too fulfilling. We will be fine. Any advice to the contrary will be meet with fingers in my ears and my eyes closed (I suspect you know that).

Interesting note...I took HNHN and was re-reading it on the way out there. I was quite surprised to find out that she was also reading it and had a copy on her bedside table. (No...we had not previously discussed the book).

And..she has indicated that we need to approach this marriage with all the help and guidance we can get as newlyweds, not to just assume that because we were both married 29 years that we have all the answers.

She has a great understanding of EN's and is anxious to explore meeting mine. I am planning on the ENQ when we're together next week. We have already discussed what we PERCEIVE as each others needs and will continue to build on that as we learn more.

I regret that I've not yet gotten Love and Respect, but I really do need to do so. I suspect it might be a good book to get 2 copies of so we can both read (simultaneously).

Additionally, one of the Family Life "Weekend to Remember" seminars is coming up in my town soon. I plan to register and go..and possibly, just possibly, get her back here so we can go together. (That will be tough, but we've talked about it already).

We are both quite aware, and have had significant discussions regarding, the fact that our marriage will not / cannot be build on emotions and are both prepared to do the work required of a fulfilling marriage.

Okay..I pointificate....

Georgia

“We are both quite aware, and have had significant discussions regarding, the fact that our marriage will not / cannot be build on emotions and are both prepared to do the work required of a fulfilling marriage.’

Oh, there seems to be quite a bit of emotion present already but it’s good to see it tempered with realism.

According to the experts, the emotions always arrive and are even more fulfilling when you do the work first.

I’d wish you good luck but since you have a good plan with the proper tools you probably don’t need it.

With prayers,

Ooops! I missed the part about her not living nearby. Now, I understand!

Yep, make sure to get LOVE AND RESPECT. As I said before,I highly recommend it. My H, who tends to share your point of view... now that he is no longer FOGGY, wholeheartedly agrees with this authors' perspective. He gives SPECIFIC advice for BOTH MARITAL PARTNERS..stuff that I wish WE had known YEARS AND YEARS AGO!!!

I hope you will take our advice about not meeting with the X in person. She undoubtedly will be hurtful and confrontational. The meeting will serve no use. Whether you meet with her or not, she will talk about this OVER AND OVER with your sons. I am typically not this certain about what will happen. I'd be willing to BET on this one.

I also agree that your sons can take care of themselves. It's time for them to focus on their own lives and their own marriages.

I can relate to them, though. My mother has remarried to a man who I very much dislike. It has caused physical distance between us. (We've talked about this some before.) However, I am really happy that she has someone to share her life with...and they do indeed live a fun-filled life. I'm thankful for the good times that my mother and I have spent together and the past. I treasure those MEMORIES...but LIFE GOES ON...

BTW, you can't see the SEQUINED BUTTERFLY unless you are up close to her like we were at the concert...OH MY!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Mimi....you're starting to worry me with that Mariah thing. LOL...

Well...I guess I'm changing my mind about the "in person" thing, seems the opinion is universal..

I think Ann & I are both of the opinion that this is "our" life decision, yet we're both keenly sensitive to the feelings of our kids. I know that one of the concerns her #1D has voiced is "Mom moving all the way to Georgia". Ann has assured me that she will...in time...love me too. It's not a case of "like me or not", it's a case of "not my Dad". And...I can say the same thing for of my boys. Ann would stand up to anyone's scrutiny and she is LIKEABLE, but she's not "Mom".

I do have to say the fact that she has 3 gk's that don't have a grandpa (on either side) is appealing....

BUT... one of my MAJOR ISSUES with my mother's H is that he has TRIED to PLAY the FATHER ROLE and I think he's being PHONY,calling me "DAUGHTER" when I call their house and giving me unsolicited advice at AGE 50 (at the time)..YUCK.. He even continues to tell people in the community that don't know any better that he IS MY FATHER..like my work colleagues... in order to give himself PRESTIGE...YUCK...using my GOOD NAME...He's a LIAR about other things as well..

He has tried to do this with our sons, too and they don't like it or HIM..he tries to BRAG on them..used to be popular athletes in town..YUK...

However, my sister's kids did not know my father...so he gets to PLAY GRANDFATHER to them...my sister likes it so they can have a GRANDFATHER influence...my kids say that they already HAD a GRANDFATHER with whom they were very close and saw almost daily...So you see?

You might want to back off on the GF thing for awhile or BE CAREFUL with it....

My opinion..based on my life experience...I have strong, biased, I know, feelings about this issue....

I really wish my mother had made a BETTER CHOICE but it's HER LIFE...

OK..no more Mariah talk..you won't understand unless you are a TRUE FAN of someone....

Wow, Mimi...I "hear" you have some pretty strong feelings about this.

First, let me say that the GF thing would have to be developed way, way over a long period of time. I don't plan to show up and be "grandpa". That would really poison the atmosphere...trying to replace the now deceased "grandpa". Yet...in due time there may be OPPORTUNITY to "grow" into that role when ALL parties want and are comfortable with such an arrangement. Does that make sense?

One of the issues that I will have to deal with (should we end up living "there") is that Ann's late husband was quite well-known in Christian circles. I think I might sometime feel like I was living in his shadow...and I'm not quite sure how to deal with that.

Thank you for the insight of your experience. I think I would be ill-advised to ever think I'd call her D's "my" D's UNLESS they made it known they felt that way. The likelihood that my S's will ever call her "Mom" is, well, not too good.

Georgia

She has a great understanding of EN's and is anxious to explore meeting mine.

Be careful - this may be to graphic for some.
LOL.

Mimi said:
You might want to back off on the GF thing for awhile or BE CAREFUL with it....

I agree - be careful.

These things will come over time, and through discussion with the parents of the potential grandchildren. Don't be afraid to ask them straight out what role they are comfortable with. Check in in a year or so to see if they are happy with the way things are going. Other people have worked this out, you can too. You can see from Mimi's comment that you should ask her children what they are comfortable with too. It may be good to call them by their names for a while, and be reserved at first, then after they get to know you talk to them and ask if it feels good to them.
" I know I can't take the place of your father, and I wouldn't try to do that, but since your mother and I am married, I want all of us to be comfortable with our relationship. Am I doing OK? Can I change things to make this work better for you? What are your thoughts?"

It's better to be proactive. You look lots better if you bring things up and deal with them than waiting until someone who has bad feelings gets upset enough. It may be that no one will have hard feelings, but discussion doesn't hurt, and often helps.

Besides, Ann will love you all the more if you are concerned, and proactive in establishing a good relationship with her children and grandchildren.


Wow...so many opinions which seem to be stay at least 1 mile from her when she finds out (slightly greater than the distance that a projectile can be fired with accuracy from a small bore rifle).

I was thinking..........500 miles. So she can't drive over and give you a peace of her mind. I really worry about how unstable she is. You know her better, but were worried how she would react, and wanted to be there in person just in case. I would NOT be there in person just in case. If you do go in person, take two witnesses, and I am not kidding. Bad things have happened before, and they will again. Protect yourself - don't think the best of her, and that nothing will happen. I don't believe it's safe to do that with her.

On a happier note -
Good for both of you. I have high hopes.

SS

What's seems GREAT about you, Georgia, is that you are sensitive regarding these issues. It would have been so much better if my M's H had laid low and focused on his R with her. He has done the CONTRARY which is what has caused part of the problem for me.

My F died suddenly and unexpectedly and like Anne's H was well-known and higly respected in our community. My M is also popular, highly-respected and considered to be HIGHLY ATTRACTIVE for her age..so her H is seen as have gotten quite A CATCH....and he plays this up to the FULLEST....YUCK....

If you move there would you have to live in the same house she shared with her husband? Or would you start out somewhere that you both pick out? Homes in the SF Bay area are really, really expensive....I grew up there and can't afford to move back.

Okay, I'm convinced...I won't do it in person.

(Mimi..I do think I'm getting a CATCH...but I don't plan to exploit it too much...just enjoy it!).

Trix, she just recently moved into a really, really nice place and sold "their" house. So..that part would be "fresh". Expensive isn't the word for it...this GA Boy was shocked...and I used to be a South Florida boy...and I was still shocked!

Mimi & S.S., in seriousness, thanks for keeping me grounded on this family front. I know it is hard for her family too, even though Dad is gone. I can hardly imagine the anguish of seeing "another man" with Mom after being raised in such a tight family. I will have to handle that one gently.

Georgia

GG,

Have you met with an attorney regarding your estate planning. As a former estate planning attorney I know how delicate these situations can be. It's best to handle the "business" up front.

I had a friend whose father married his affair partner. His father had met with an attorney and discussed estate planning and decided to handle it AFTER the honeymoon. Though he had changed all his beneficiary designations to his new wifes name. He had a heart attack and died on the beach in Jamaica or Mexico on the honeymoon. His father was the CEO of Ford - Canada at the time. Lots of money. New wifey ended up with the bulk of it. Tragic on sooo many levels.

This is usually a big concern of your childrens. They will never mention it but likely have reservations about it. It is a fear that can easily be averted by proper planning and commnunication.

It's not romantic but a prenup, amending beneficiary designation forms with the help of an attorney and/or trust agreements IS prudent.

BTW, congrats...wish they all could be California Girls!

I know you don't know me that well but my wife and I wouldn't mind seeing the picture too.

Mr. Wondering

edited to add - not implying your wife-to-be is at all like Mrs. Ford CEO guys affair wifey. It's just an example of what can happen.

GG,

You might as well stick your fingers in your ears now and sing lalalalalalalalalala really loudly, because you'll probably ignore this really good advice anyway. Well, you'll like the first part....

You're a cool guy and you deserve to be happy with the woman you love. Ann sounds like a treasure and I'm glad the two of you found each other. I couldn't be happier for you.

At the same time.....you're acting like a fogbrained schoolboy. You're letting the romance of this situation sweep you away and you're going much much much too fast. It feels good....it feels right...it feels wonderful....and it's supposed to. Enjoy it!! Let it last....get to know each other. Spend more time together. But please....do NOT rush to the altar before you've been together for at least two years. Second marriages are fighting even greater odds than first marriages. Under the circumstances....I honestly believe that you folks have a far better chance than most....but even so....you need more time GG.

What your wife did to you....left you with an aching HOLE. It hurt you deeply and now you finally have the opportunity to be happy again. Make the most of it!! Take your time. Do it right. You have the knowledge and experience to know what it takes to build a good foundation for marriage....use it. If you get carried away....you're going to skip the vital steps that you need to create a long future of happiness.

What researchers know about infatuation doesn't just apply to affairs!!! <Every> relationship....dating, married, affairs....all begin with the same biochemistry and it's very powerful. Fantasy is a big part of early romance.

Read this article: http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/hottopics/love/

Recognize that you are inspired and influenced by your own biochemistry right now. You aren't immune to the early affects of love....none of us are. And our biochemistry pumps out powerful stimulants from the reward system of the brain that blinds us to the realities and possible faults of potential mates. You are infatuated with this lady.....and after three months.... you don't know her YET! You only think you know her.

I'm okay with however you want to handle your kids, her kids....whatever....but you both need to see and feel the reality of what that's going to be like before you take this next step. When you're "in love" nothing else seems to matter as much as being together.....unfortunately....it doesn't stay like that. It's not SUPPOSED to!!

It's hard having a long distance relationship.....and I'm convinced that's a big reason that you're rushing this....but I don't care if the Pope is involved...until the fog clears....you have no idea what you're signing up for.

A while back, I was driving and on my way to Louisiana. I thought I'd give my brother a call because I'd forgotten to tell him that I'd be taking care of our sister and we should get together. I was on the highway. He sounded funny when he answered the phone, and I asked him where he was.

He was getting married....for the third time. He was crazy in love with this girl. I've never heard him sound so happy. He'd met her over the Internet and she lived about 90 miles away. They had dated for three months, and were going to church together. She was just as crazy in love with him. They did everything right....EXCEPT wait...because they couldn't wait to be close together. They were absolutely convinced that they could work out all the details because they were "made" for each other.

I won't bore you with the disastrous results of this decision. They are still together and I'm trying to get them some really good counseling and they are not giving up....but the truth is....there were alot of things that needed to be addressed BEFORE they married that they didn't envision. It was scary how when they reached that two year mark how quickly the blush faded from the rose....and the fog cleared.

You don't want to hear this GG. I understand that. Frankly....I don't want to SAY IT!! I like you. I want you to be deliriously happy. It's BECAUSE I like you that I'm saying this. Slow down. Let your kids, let her kids get used to the idea. They don't have to give their blessings, but let some of the smoke clear and give yourselves some time to REALLY find out who you're in love with once the biochemical rosy glasses are off. If she's the ONE....your relationship will survive. If she isn't the one....it's the smartest decision you EVER made.

Get to know her family. Let her get to know yours. Find out for real what those complications are really going to mean. Ann is infatuated with you now....neither of you will care if her family or yours rejects your union....but how much will you or she care 18 months from now? Be smart and find out.

You want a legitimate relationship with this woman? Then court her. And court her family. Be the southern gentleman that I know you are (you'r from Georgia for pete's sake!) If for no other reason than to protect Ann....because she was a pastor's wife....and her reputation will suffer. It will. Already, she won't let you tell other's how you met....there's your first red flag my friend. Especially with Internet relationships....showing their legitimacy is doubly important for folks to see the relationship stand the test of time. The opinion of your boys matters far less to you now than it will down the line when your relationship has reached "attachment" stage.

Nobody wants to rain on your parade chere....we just like you too much....but I am surprised not to see more solid MB advice on this issue....because you need to get both feet under you (because right now....you're "floating").