Georgia:

I really wish you the best and want you to know that I did not see myself as DEBATING with you. We were having a DISCUSSION, IMO.

AND

There's no need to feel guilty. I was wanting to make this CLEAR about the E-Mail is all.

Because we DISAGREE or something does not mean that I'm UPSET at all.

I ENJOYED our conversation today...

You have the right to your opinions and to live your life as you choose to live it. I RESPECT THAT, you know. I don't have to agree with your viewpoint and I don't have a need for you to agree with mine.


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

WOW,
I better not ever say MIMI emails me.

I learned, I'll just keep my mouth shut. Or my fingers as the case may be.

SS

What are you guys going to do when I REALLY get upset???

OH MY.....Sigh....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Mimi,
I hope you have sense of humor. I was teasing you.
You should have seen the grin on my face when I typed that.

Have a good weekend.

All of you -

SS

STILL:

I knew you were teasing and I was teasing you BACK!!

Mimi..most definitely with a SENSE OF HUMOR!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I think that 6 months is an ok wait for two grown adults. Aside from your current offspring, I doubt you plan to have any babies together. I believe you can commit to grow together and put the work into the relationship.

I believe you both understand the commitment and the work that will need to be done to maintain your marriage for the rest of your lives.

If you are 'waiting' until you marry, or you don't want to continue in sin prior to marriage, I think it is better to marry than wait 2 yrs.

Ann has waited 3 yrs. since the death of her husband, to have a serious relationship. It will be a bit over a year since your divorce...although you have dated a couple of women since then. Prior to your divorce, I imagine it had been a long time since you had an intimate relationship with your XW.

Usually, early in a relationship people are on their best behavior. With Harley's advice you know that we have to make a commitment to care and not do anything to be the cause of our spouse's unhappiness.

It wouldn't hurt though, to have some pre-marital counseling with the Harley's and work out all the financial details to protect each of your heirs.

Okay, my realtor is gone (did I mention I was having her over for dinner? I forget). Well, in case I didn't she was over tonight to talk about finding a couple of houses with 5-10 acres of land with a barn. I think it would be good (Ann & I have discussed this) for Ann to see what 1/2 of the cost of her townhouse will buy here.

Now...Mimi...I'm feeling I got overzealous in jumping down your throat. (Not quite an apology...more of..."we're still friends, right?").

Trix (& others). We do plan some premarital counseling, but I'm not quite sure with who yet. We may do west coast / east coast weddings, in which case my pastor has told me he would REQUIRE pre-m counseling before he would marry us. No disrespect to SH who I think extremely highly of, but I think we might use a local "sit down" on this one (either at her place or mine).

Oh...and Trix, the "waiting" is firmly established and in mutual agreement.

When all the dust settles from the other discussions of today...I would like to ask for serious input from you (plural...see, that's the reason everyone needs to use "ya'll"...) regarding "location, location, location".

I'll post all the details so informed input can be offered, but I'm particularly interested in the thoughts of you ladies with gk's. (Ann's got the twins spending the night with her tonight).

More on that later....

Oh, and yes, we do need to do the financial planning aspect of it all. There are some definite things we have to talk about.

Whew...but...I must say that my chicken cordon bleu, sauteed baby carrots, fried squash (first time I've fried squash), and biscuits all turned out quite nicely.

Ya'll don't think Ann is marrying me because I like to cook, do you? (She has vehemently denied this...but, she is excited that I do like to cook!).

Georgia

I really have a different perspective on this than my other trusted and respected MBers such as Trix and Pep...

I continue to feel and think the same way as I have indicated today but it has to do with my different perspective..my own personal bias.

Georgia, you and I are now in different worlds in a sense.

From my vantage point, I couldn't imagine ever marrying someone else...or being able to EASILY FALL IN LOVE with someone else. It seems to come so EASY for you.

When I was separated from my H, I didn't develop an interest or attraction to anyone else although men definitely showed an interest.

So I have to admit that I can't really RELATE at all to what has happened to you...dating more than one woman. Remember I have been with my H since age 18 and he is the only man that I have been with... As I mentioned to Daisy a few weeks ago, if I had divorced, I IMAGINE that I would have had a few gentleman callers but I don't think that I would have chosen to get married again.

This is just what I have envisioned. Who knows what I would have done?

So I'm certainly not mad at you. I continue to say that I enjoyed our discussion. I learned from it.

I think it would be best, though, for me to not actively participate in the discussion about where you live, etc.

A large part of me can't relate to your experience. A large part of me doesn't believe in remarriage to be honest. I know that this perspective is not politically correct but it is who I am and what I know that I believe in...AS OF TODAY...

I am not saying that REMARRIAGE or DIVORCE is BAD or WRONG. I personally can't relate to it..like some people prefer Vanilla and others Chocolate ice cream.

Make sense?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Mimi...you know I highly respect your opinion, and yes...we are certainly in different worlds. And...just to be sure you understand, I wasn't upset about our "debate" today...but about your blasted response to the e-mail "misunderstanding" I felt like the MB stalker. But...that's behind and done.

And, even though I know you don't believe it, the things you, star, others say DO resonate in my mind and I continue to "think" about what has been said long after the discussion is over. I don't have to walk away win or lose, agree or disagree. You all have had your say, and I will "ponder" it.

And, Mimi, if someone had asked me 10 years ago, or 7 years ago, about my belief in divorce / remarriage, I would have DOGMATICALLY been against it. Remember, I was the respected deacon, ss teacher, etc. (Boy...now I feel like I've hit skid row!). I guess my theology has been impacted by real life, huh? So...I do understand where you're coming from.

And...yes, maybe I have a need to "belong". Maybe it's stronger than yours (or even most peoples). I know that I have REVELED in being able to "spoil" Ann, and she loves it!! A dozen roses on the 1 week anniversary of our engagement (delivered to her office) and she's euphoric.

Don't yet bow out of the "where to live discussion", I'm not sure where you think this is going...but I want the "inner thoughts" of a Godly woman...a Proverbs 31 woman. If you don't, for any reason, wish to offer input, then fine, but I would appreciate your thoughts if you can bring yourself to such thoughts.

Getting back to the falling in love easily discussion, does Harley not point out that "love" blooms when we are having our needs met by our mate / spouse / whatever? That may be too general to apply to everyone, but I would think that a cessation of the meeting of ALL (or almost all) needs by a spouse (or former spouse), and simultaneously someone else appeared who could meet all (or most) of the EN's, then "falling in love" isn't that unlikely, wouldn't you say? Anyway, Harley has the market cornered on those thoughts, so I'll leave that to him.

Well...I feel worn out. I think all the mental sparring has done me in....

I do, sincerely, thank YA'LL for caring about me as I begin the climb back up out of the valley.

Georgia

GG, I've never posted to you before but I've been reading this with interest.

I, like everyone else, wishes you only happiness and that your new relationship will be everything you hope it is.

HOWEVER, people saying that age somehow makes us smarter about relationships is just not correct and that 3 months when we're grownups is enough time to "know".

At 47 when I had an A I became exactly like the teenager I had been at 16.

I'm sure your relationship will bloom and grow into one of great happiness. Just slow down there a bit.

Thank you, KiwiJ...

Input requested:

This is what I plan to email to xW tomorrow. Comments?


I shared the following information with the boys earlier this week. I didn't want them to have to feel like they "have a secret", so I will tell you as well.

I recently (since the divorce) met someone who has become very dear to me. I did not make this known to either #1S or #2S as I knew that would be awkward for them when they were around you.

I have asked her to marry me, and she has accepted.

I assume that you will respect my privacy in this matter, as well as assuring that the boys are not placed in the role of "passing" information about her.

Georgia

E-mail was sent about 2 hours ago.

No phone calls, visits, return e-mails yet.

I did hear a low "rumble" from that direction a little while ago....

Georgia:

Are you saying that you perceive Anne as having been a "PERFECT" wife and that she is a "PERFECT" woman?

Is it your thought is that if I had been more like Anne that my H would not have had an affair?

Why are you so sensitive about me making comparisons between your relationship and that of the relationship between infidels?

I'm saying that ROMANTIC AFFAIRS have SOME of the SAME FEATURES of REGULAR, NORMAL ROMANCES.

It is true, Georgia, that you are definitely within the ROMANTIC PHASE of your relationship with Anne.

That is nothing for you to be defensive about and I'm not being critical of that.

I think it's helpful for the undertanding of those who are wondering how come the OP is so addictive?

Mimi....

No, not perfect. I am saying..."genuine", "real", "able to go the distance when things are tough", etc.

Wow...you're second question is a hard one. I think the real question is: If YOU had been sensitive to his needs for admiration, then do YOU think he have had an affair? And...part II of that question (for me, I suppose) is do I believe that Ann will be sensitive to meet my need for admiration on a long term (ie - the rest of our lives) basis.

I think this may beg the question ... if a spouse IS having thier needs met at home, will there be some WS who will STILL graze from another pasture?

And...in answer to you last line...I think it's as simple as needs being met that haven't been met in a long, long time.

Georgia

My turn to "ETA":

Did the FOW have a history that showed genuinesess and stability?

Godly grown kids?
Lots of "stable" people around her that loved her?
A peaceful home environment?
A true love of her grandkids?
A desire to be known as a Godly woman?

GG,

Mimi worries 'bout cha'....u know that right?

Ok, u r familar with MB principals. Keep that clear mind, calm heart and move forward. If you are fortunate to find someone good this quickly. KUDOS 4 U! Just be safe ok?

Don't want to see you back here with another episode with another WS. That would make me sad. I'd still help but I'd be very sad. ok? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Now as for the twitterpated goes.....it's what u must B 4 now.

Enjoy the weekend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

Hi Orchid..

Thank you for your encouragement and kindness. Yes...I do hope to move forward with a clear mind (even during the romantic phase).

I can assure you I don't want to EVER do this game again! I only want to stop in from time to time and say "Hey".

Georgia

GG,

For sometime I have seen a pattern in your behavior that I personally find very disturbing. I have been already slammed on another board about my thoughts but I feel compelled to say something. The more I have tried to ignore this inner voice the louder it has become.

First you left your wife because you could not live with her having an OM. You also left the church you had been an active member of. You never once mentioned the fact that you were dating your ex's nurse (I think nurse). Though your ex wife had stopped seeing her that begs some serious review of this woman's ethical standards and your motives. You became very active in OW's church. The minute you left this woman you left the church. Now you were dating woman #2 and telling everyone you were taking it slow. You even went away together for a weekend. One would assume by this you meant a romantic weekend.

Now all of sudden out of the blue you decide you do not want to be with woman #2 and will marry woman #3, Ann. Can I say that on-line life is not the same has real life. What of this pattern is any different than your ex wife?

You only dated one woman while you were married but how honest were you with woman #2 that you had Ann in the wings and both were competing for you love? I understand you have been speaking to your pastor of this new church; but I wonder how honest this man has been in terms of teaching from the Bible. You have stated that the church is dying due to lack of funds and you have a great job that pays exceedingly well. I am not casting dispersions on this man's character because I am not there to say.

Maybe these actions i.e. the different women in such a short period are some of the reasons why your sons appear to have lost respect for you and do not want to know what is going on. They might think they do not know you. I know from my point of view if I had known about woman #1 I would have never given you the advice I did at the time of the divorce.

I can only surmise from what you have written on your sons' thoughts and feelings. For me I have lost respect for you. I truly believed you when you stated you were a strong Christian man who was seeking a divorce due to an affair. I felt you neglected to mention the woman you were dating at the time till after the fact. I can understand you were/are lonely. I was so happy that you were able to reach out to people through CASA, helping your neighbors and the like and thought this was how you were filling the void.

I do wish you the best and hope everything works out for you and Ann. I think you are still a nice person just disappointed. And this is my own thoughts, feeling and disappointments. I live on the other side of the world and do not even know you but I employer you to examine your children's thoughts and feelings and what they really are telling you.

I know this a counter to what the majority is tell you and feel free to discount it if you like.

Thank you, MN2, for sharing your thoughts with me.

Georgia:

I have to say and have been trying to say that I agree with much if not all that Moi Novelle has said and I do hope that you will strongly consider the message there. It's so hard to say these things to you because you mean well and seem to be such a good person.

As I mentioned to you the other day..4 women in this short period of time..and you have not been honest with us about alot of this...

Another thing..you keep misunderstanding is that I am NOT COMPARING Ann to the OW...

Ann is more like ME in regards to character and the pattern of her life...as you describe her...

Despite being this type of woman, living this type of life, I was not the PERFECT wife..as Ann will not be....

I DO NOT take responsibility for CAUSING my H's affair by not meeting his needs. Our marriage became vulnerable..my H became vulnerable..It was HIS CHOICE to do such a HORRIBLE thing in answer to our problems.

I have been trying to MAKE THE POINT of how the ROMANTIC PHASE of AFFAIRS and NORMAL COURTSHIP are similar..that is my point..PLAIN AND SIMPLY STATED....

Eventually, REALITY sets in...and when it does, I pray ALL IS WELL for you and Ann....

Yes, Mimi...I understand what you are both saying.

I suppose it would be nice if I could "rewind" and undo some things, but unfortunately I can't. I've not been the model patient, have I?

Okay, enough for now.

I've got a room full of high school student from dysfunctional families to try to teach in the morning.

Last week I talked about Peter. It's usually my first lesson when I'm teaching trouled youth. The reason? Peter's a perfect example of a dismal failure who repented and was restored.

Perhaps a timely lesson for the students AND the teacher.