BH isn't sure if it should come from us or our attorney. I tend to think if he receives something from our attorney he will know we mean serious business. However, seeing an email from BH will also send him the message that we are serious.

We don't know exactly what to say in that letter/email. Should we express our desire for him to disappear from our lives and if he wants to pursue anything further for him to go through the system? etc.... I don't care anymore more if his feelings are hurt or not, I just want him to know that OC will be well taken care of and that this is what is best for her. I truly doubt he will purse anything further as he told me from day one how much $$$ it would take and how he does not have that kind of $$ to "waste" on lawyers....
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

me too!

Even if your H sends the response himself, cc it to your attorney. A registered paper trail will be very important if he persists.

And, yes, change your freak'n email.

He thought that until the 4 years have gone by (during which time he can try to establish paternity in our state) we would not make ourselves completely disappear more than we already have (moved to another state). He said changing my email would not be necessary as long as I keep my word and forward all emails to him (although he can easily access my account too now!)

However, on the NC letter, BS said we should indicate from that point forward, he needs to address all concerns/emails to BS's email address and not mine.

Personally I would advise not escalating.

He is obviously in the wayward frame of mind [read ME! MINE! WANT!] so there really is no limit on his behavior...don't waste time and breath trying to convince anyone of what he wouldn't do.

I would have an attorney advise me...but I wouldn't let him in on that ...one side lawyering up may motivate the other to do the same even they wouldn't have otherwise just because they feel threatenned and attacked.

I would use a technique called extinction instead.

You may be familiar with it...it was popular with teachers in years past.

Basically...you don't reward behavior that you don't want repeated.

When he emails or otherwise tries to contact you...he is rewarded by being able to inject drama..by having an impact...any impact good or bad is better than being irrelevent.

The goal is irrelevent.

So...no more emails to you. Period.

Fwd them so that they bypass you and go directly to your H.

Have an attachment read..this email forewarded unread to Beccas H so that he is shot down with the knowledge that his attempt failed.

Then I would further advise your H to print them and put them in the lawyer file..no response.

Wait him out...his position for custody gets weaker every day..and the less aware he is of his rights etc the easier it will be to deny them.

I wouldn't say one word about OC to him..not one.

I think Noodles suggestions could put you in a very bad position. I would have an attorney contact him immediately and let him know that all communications need to go through their office and then CHANGE YOUR EMAIL. If your H's position about him seeing his child has not changed... let the lawyer know your thoughts and let the OM pursue his right in court. I still think he should be allowed to see the child... but it is important that NC remain in place no matter what happens. I do not think that you are being unreasonable at this point if you choose to have him handle this through the courts.... but I would not advocate your ignoring his requests to get this matter resolved without giving him the name of a lawyer. That could come back and haunt you.

How so?

Because if their state allows for a four year window for the father to get custodial rights... not giving the dad a method of communicating about the welfare of his child as well as responding to requests to see the child could be considered by a judge to be punitive and unreasonable. The courts are not MB and will only look at what they feel is appropriate for the child. Doing the right thing here would be communicating to the dad that we have hired this lawyer to handle this matter.... and for him to contact the lawyer should he wish to pursue this matter further.

to have her in his life, BS's biggest issue is that he feels OM is using OC to get to me and not because his intentions are true (in regards to OC). Having him purse the matter through the courts, would indicate he no longer cares about a relationship with me but wants a relationship with OC.

I hadn't consider how the courts would view a NC letter from us. hmmm....this is interesting. I wonder if perhaps the NC letter should be about me and like BS said before, letting him know that ANY information he wants about OC he can aks BS.

hmmm...... don't want to make a judge think we are pushing him away on purpose either because we are not. However, he does need to do things legally in order for this to work. It is only fair.

B

there should be a NC letter that indicates that he should limit any contact you your attorney... NOT YOUR H. The drama needs to stop impacting you both... let the lawyer handle it.

I see what you mean and here is the ONLY reason why I disagree.

At this point he does not *have* any rights.

They have not been to court, there has been no custody determined, he is not paying child support.

So right now..as it stands today this minute he hasn't GOT the right to request anything.

He has to take them to court to GET that right.

Now I admit..I hedging my bets that he is a selfish cowardly wimp. I'm making that assumption based on his behavior/actions to date.

My opinion when dealing with people of this persuasion..is that they are content to p*ss and moan AS LONG as no one is specifically drawing a line in the sand or making a concrete threat or doing something that allows them to perceive that something is being taken away from them against their will.

So basically..I'm betting that they can wait him out and he will not be willing to climb up the mountain, fight the dragon, and cough up a significant portion of his expendable cash JUST to obtain the priviledge of parenting a child he hasn't even bonded with. Especially if it's really REALLY boring.

His entire email was about waaaaaaaaaaaah and waaaaaaaaah some more. No concern about OC. Just foggy sentiments.

Drama drama drama.

We come at this from two different angles though...I have no problem with this fellow losing his rights by his own inaction..and no problem advising to that end.

If and when he gets a lawyer and begins the process to obtain rights..then and only then would I acknowledge that to him as an option/possibility. At that point I would likely share your opinion about best course of action..but until then no need to give him ideas. He may obtain that goal but not with my help.

This is exactly how he feels... that he is crying wolf and at the end of the day, he is not going to do what he has to do to gain access to her, as BS puts it "he is talking out of his a$$ and nothing more"!!!

I have forwarded all the posts to BS so he can read and he is in agreement that giving him our attorney's information if he wants to pursue things further is our best bet.

He comes back tomorrow so this gives him time to think about how we would word this letter.

B

In your NC letter I wouldn't mention OC at all.

Just a standard NC letter see examples on website.

Make it about yourself and your husband.

Duel siggy..one stamp...drop it in the mailbox viola!

Mrs. McB,

I will second the idea of speaking with your lawyer before doing ANYTHING with regard to his email. He has NOT been established as the father, but any communication should go through your lawyer. Consider changing your email address...please.

God Bless,

JL

Also Becca....just for clarity...

Why are you mixing/blurring NC and OC issues?

I'd keep them individual.

Ask your attorney for advice about NC letter...but as a general rule I wouldn't address anything but your regret over the affair and choice to commit to your marriage.

If you hadn't already done paternity test you might have been the first person I advise to forego NC letter.

1) Never respond to any of his emails! put him in junk mail and forget it - he will never pursue anything and eventually go away (but it will generate hate mail) - safest from a legal sense!

2) send off a NC letter and point to attorney


Part of me wants to just block his address and forget it.... but I know he also has BH's email address so he may try that way as well... it doesn't matter, he isn't going to get anything from me or BH unless he goes the proper channels (courts).

Another part of me thinks I should send a simple email back saying:

OM,

As stated in your email, if you wish to establish paternity/visitation/child support, my attorney's phone number is XXX-XXX-XXXX. Once these issues are resolved, I will be happy to comply with the law and provide you with the require information in regards to OC.

Your ex BLINDLY STUPID and ASHAMED AFFAIR PARTNER, Becca

Again I say...unless that is the result you desire...I don't advise giving him directions to that end.

If he wants to pursue it legally..he certainly can...but you don't have to hold his hand...let him figure it out by himself.

DO NOT respond directly - you must maintain NO CONTACT forever!! Speaking more gently but still firmly - Becca - what part of this do you not understand?

My father used to drink - just a little bit at a time, but it made him a mean SOB so I learned to hate the alcohol so that I could still maintain my love for him.

One day, Dad wound up passed out on the floor - not from alcohol, but from a heart malfunction. They hauled him to the hospital and warned him that they were about to put him on a medication that he would be on for the rest of his life and that if he drank so much as a drop of alcohol of any kind, he would DIE.

Do you think he questioned it? Tested it?

He's alive today by the way... and it's been 15 years since he drank a drop of alcohol.

Do not test it. Do not read this OM's emails. Block him from sending you anything. It's very easy with hotmail and yahoo both - I know because I had to block someone's e-mail when she wouldn't stop trying to contact me as a way of getting to my husband after NC letter was sent.

No contact means no contact. That means you recognize the fatal nature of reading anything from him. That means you also recognize that no matter how much you want to set the b*st*rd straight, you must never respond to his provocation. Ever. That's what attorneys are for.

Becca,

I agree with all the advice, and want to give you a little more push towards how to stop his emails. As Kayla just suggested, block his email address. If he gets another one, block that one too. I suggest that your NC letter NOT be via email, but a written one, and cc'd to your attorney. Also, if you have any concerns about what xOM might be able to do regarding your DD, ask your attorney if what you and your H have written is "safe" from the legal pov.

I can also sympathise with your psycho xOM. In my case, at the end of the A, I was really guilting myself and wanting to break off the A, but the xOM knew certain things that he was threatening to tell my H. Then, and this is where things got scary for me, he began pretending to get these computer typed notes saying that if certain things weren't done, in regard to our A, these "people" would kill him! When I didn't react the way he wanted, he then pointed the threat my way, then to my H!!!! All this within a week! It would take pages and pages to post the whole whacko thing, but it just goes to show you how far an xOP can go to try to hold on to something that never did belong to them. Oh, and I did have a little bit of fun, throwing these supposed threats in his face, because I had very lightly marked the paper in his printer, and found the roll of tape that was used to tape the note threatening my H and matched the tears up to each other.

Anyway, don't play into his games. Talk to your attorney, find out how "far" you can go as far as obtaining NC, take heed to the advice of keeping the NC letter just that and don't bring up ANYTHING about your DD in it. Make sure you are doing everything by the law, document EVERYTHING, and just continue to work on your M to make it the wonderful, joyful life with your H that it can be. We check into the state laws when I was still P to see what legal issues may come up, and according to the state we were living in, if my H didn't contest paternity, we didn't have to do anything, even if xOM tried to worm his way into our lives that way. He might have gotten a court date, but with everything we had on him (still have the police report from his assault on my H) he wouldn't have a leg to stand on in court, let alone money to pay for any travel to see OC since the courts usually won't have a child under 2 travel thousands of miles to the OP just for a weekend visit. So, check out everything, don't sent a NC email, but a letter, with a cc to your attorney, maybe even send one to yourselves, and don't open it, keep it with your files as proof of requesting NC. It may all be a moot point anyway, if he's like MOST xOM, and won't lift a finger once he realizes the work he will have to put forth to only possibly gain some semblence of contact with you again. Block his email address if it's too much trouble to change your own.

I wish you luck and keep us updated.

Well, after much debate, BH and I sent OM a reply to his email that said:

As stated in your email, if you wish to purse paternity/visitation/child support, please contact our attorney XXXXXXX. Once these issues are resolved we will be happy to comply with the law and provide you with pertinent information in regards to OC.

Signed BH and WW

Well..... he was FURIOUS, he emailed us back including asking to talk to BH in person, he brought up things that he THOUGHT BH didn't know (but I had already told BH when we decided to be completely honest) etc.

BH replied BACK to OM witht he same exact statement above simple adding "I REPEAT....." and copy and pasted what he had already sent. OM once again emailed FURIOUS too saying all kinds of nasty things.

Finally, we emailed him back indicating to him ANY FURTHER EMAILS OR CALLS would be considered harassment and are going to be treated as such!! Since all these emails were coming from his place of work, he knows we could get him in big serious trouble, he hasn't email since.

BH and I have blocked his address now and this morning I contacted HR and told him I don't want to receive ANY more emails from this person or else they will have an ugly situation on their hands. I forwarded the emails he had sent from there and they are going to call him in for a little discussion!!

I am sure the level of anger is through the roof, and I don't give a rip. He will now see we are serious. We are meeting with our attorney next week to file to establish paternity, she said filing doesn't mean anything will happen as he will be required to show up in court here and based on his behavior, he most likely won't and that will close the case. This will of course be documented so he will never be able to say we TOOK her from him as he tries tomake things now.

What an ordeal.... but I have to say it is a great feeling to know that now he can see for himself that BH And I are on this TOGETHER.

Becca