Becca, you still have SUCH a long way to go but there's every chance you'll get there you know.

b0b Pure is famous 'round these parts for busting up his FWW's romantic affair.

He did a stella Plan A coupled with highly effective exposure.

In his case, though, the OM wasn't quite as attached to Squid as she was to him. This made it much easier to break them up - he dumped her very quickly when b0b exposed.

If both affair partners are equally committed, and just as deeply 'in love' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> it's much harder to break them apart.

The OW in my case wanted WXH very badly, and aggressively encouraged him to leave his family. I was sick, in the dark, and made miserable by a WH who treated me badly because he was having an A.

There was no contest - and to this day, never any sign that WXH would reconsider his decision and come home. I don't think he will ever allow himself to regret what he has done, or admit that it was a terrible and selfish thing.

Alph.

I am in a sitch that is Romantic affair with WW truelove.

Here is part of the exposure letter I sent to OM myspace friends...

OM is having an affair with my wife Jennifer. Jennifer and
I are married for the past 12 years and have 3 young daughters. As in all marriages things are not easy or simple and all the time fair. I have done things that I truly regret, but I have never wanted to hurt my family or
destroy my daughter. OM and Jennifer are doing just that. They met 13 years ago when they were in the air force. OM was engaged to his current wife and was dating my wife. He left Texas, went home and got married, then came back wanting my wife to be his mistress. She was heart broken and refused. We met, married and had our first daughter. Yes we were young and foolish. OM tried staying in contact with Jennifer over the years, trying to have affairs with her leading her down the path of you can be mine and know needs to know.


So as you can see OM has already messed with WW but the fantasy and fog is thick and deep, I don't hold out any hope for my WW to come out of this, its really going to be the OM doing something to betray her again. I know he will or at least hope.

So I know your looking for an answer that says do this and the affair will be over, it wont. I think the 3% of affairs that work are romantic affairs because their is as strong of a bond as in any real relationship.

H&P,

I believe the path to the affair determines the OP...

Entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect...which meant that I had catalogued, verified all of BH's flaws, then magnified them...to justify...and OP was handy and seemingly the opposite of BH...didn't know that since I believed my answer would be in the opposite, I made him that way...I made him up.

You know what I went for? Someone who talked to me...like Becca experienced...one thing...so all the rest was awful...yet I could justify it on that one thing...and then I discovered, as the fog slowly lifted and I really got to know this person, he was very much like my BH...all those magnified flaws were the same...which eroded my justification for crushing pain into my BH, didn't it?

Then he became worse than my BH...because without that one thing, all his other stuff was more pronounced...and then the upward identification began...because the things he was awful at, BH was great at...that I had overlooked, shoved aside in my quest to justify my own actions...and they marched over OP, flattening him.

What trailed after that realization, that shock, was simple distorted responsibility...I had done this, chosen this...OP was innocent...blah, blah, blah...no equal distribution of responsibility. Left me tethered by a strand to the fog...

See, I put all responsibility on BH, then on me...OP is the last to get it, to be seen straight in the eye, because it was never about them, I believe. It was about me controlling my marriage, trying to dig out my happiness from DH's chest.

I shudder to think of it. I do.

Unravelling my own urge to live in fantasies...recognizing how much I did in many ways, helped me to realize this was my way of coping, not living.

Viking? I swear to you that that OM is not your WW's true love. He is the safe fantasy she maintained, put energy into, got ENs met throughout the years in her own mind, not real.

And your WW was second choice...not first for that man. She was your first choice...and you reinforce that in trying to save your marriage.

The day in and day out living as H & W prohibits having a "real relationship" outside the marriage...because you and the girls are real.

This was what I experienced...and nothing breaks the fog like respect and being a reality bringer.

LA

My WW is in the midst of a romantic affair right now. She has told me on many occasions that she wishes that "she had a reset button" or that we could "move away". But everything she says is just fogspeak. Words without action. As soon as she leaves me she goes back to see the OM.


To put it in perspective, my wife was spending the day with my kids and her extended family. The OM simply text-messaged her. My WW left and the children / extended family did not see her until the next day. Talk about addiction. I am in the middle of NC right now & probably headed for D.

Classic Romantic Affair: My Story

I also believe these are the hardest affairs a WS would have to break away from the fantasy. My WW has said that I have been a 12 year rebound relationship, with 3 kids.

Now, WW in my case has a severe immaturity problem to a fault. She wants to say that she is mother of the year but I have done a great deal for her over the years. not being perfect but I have provided.

To be honest here - 3 years ago I was a WH with 3 ONS with a call girl, I truly believe that I did it this way to keep the emotional attachment away - sick to say I loved my wife and family but felt entitled enough to do what I did.

I know from MB that I own my responsibility for what I did and the impact it had.... However, I know with for a fact if I was husband of the year my WS would still have done what she has.

Its the addiction to attention and affection and its the fantasy, she has always lived in fantasy. I think that is her biggest problem right now is that I have enabled it for so many years and now that we are separated and I am only providing for the kids and I am exposing and I doing things against her that she is falling apart, now I don't think the fog is lifting. Actually the opposite is happening she is running deeper into it. I can't control her or own her responsibilities. I choose to wait for her to see where she goes.

Sorry for the thread jack

i believe that the relationship that my H and I had, in the beginning, had the qualities that are considered "romantic"

i was everything his mother always hated....and my H chose me over his family and everything he was raised to believe was “right”

(stupid things really! his mother wanted him to find himself a good little catholic girl from his church (i was Presbyterian...Oh my!), a girl whose parents had never been divorced like mine, a girl who did not believe in sex before marriage, a girl who certainly didn’t dress like I did <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

there was LOTS of thrills, lots of adversary to overcome...it became "us against the world"

i'd say he was addicted......"in love....in lust".....me? i was "in love"....and i absolutely love him...he was everything i ever wanted

and we stayed together for 19 years

yes, everntually it did become a mature, loving relationship without all of the drama, and i became a girl that made his mother proud

and now he's found himself a new romantic relationship

and i'm afriad he's in this one for the long haul also

I would have to say that H and I's relationship did not
start out as the "romantic" type- we met through a mutual
friend who I was visiting out of state. Initially I was not
really attracted to H (I actually liked the friend better)
but as we talked on the phone, wrote each other, and got
to know each other and become friends, I began to find H
more attractive. Eventually we both traveled to visit each
other, then H moved to my location. Even though we initially
lived seperately, we took turns spending the night at each
other's house, spent all our time together, and my friends
became H's friends. My family liked H, and his family liked
me- treated me like one of the family immediately.

We dated more than two years before getting engaged, and
married 6 mos later. I always felt like it had been one of
those "destiny" type things that fell into place after so
many factors I could have never planned or expected, and
because H and I seemed to have so much in common.
H wasn't typically a real romantic kind of guy, but did
surprise me many times with flowers, cards, little gifts,
trips, or just doing things that showed love and affection.
I was definitely a "romantic"- loved all those things, did
all I could to show love and care, surprised him back with
favorite meals, gifts, treats, trips, and anything I could.

I didn't feel like we had a super hot, burning, obsessive
or passionate type of relationship, but I always thought
that was a good thing- thought it meant we had a more "real"
and mature type relationship that wouldn't die when passion
faded or as we got older. I always considered H to be my
"solid rock"- not real exciting or exciteable, but always
my biggest supporter, and someone who made me feel safe ,
secure and comfortable. We fit together with such ease and comfort that I really felt we would have a life-long love and marriage.

NEVER in a million years would I have thought H capable of
lying to me, cheating on me, or doing many of the things he
has done during the A.
NEVER did I suspect how dysfunctional his family was until
I got to know them much better and later saw the results it
had left on him.
NEVER did I suspect or have any idea that he had depression,
obsessive-compulsive disorder, bipolar disorder, alcohol
issues, or any of these things he may have now either.

I think H showed affection, love, kindness, consideration,
care, respect, interest, and devotion to me, but can't say
I ever felt like he was "addicted".
On the other hand, WH has acted like a puppet on a string
and very definitely "addicted" in every regard while he's
been involved with OW.
In my view and opinion, his life has spiraled downwards and
his lifestyle out of control since the day they met, but to
him, I believe he thinks everything is just great and he
everything he wants- bigger, fancier, better, and all HIS.

I believe the "fantasy" bubble of fun, secrecy, and passion
of the affair must have burst a long time ago and many times
since- yet they still are involved- that I just don't get.
Don't know if the numerous incidents of them getting back
together after breakups, fights, lies, snooping, nagging,
DUI, pregnancy, etc. are an attempt to "re-create" the
excitement and passion they initially had, or if they have
developed an "us against the world" attitude (although with
no one to expose to, they haven't had any outside pressure).

From the previous relationships of H that I know of, and
even his "cake-eating" and keeping a little connection with
me, I'm not sure WH is even capable of breaking off this A,
(or any relationship), which probably leaves it up to OW to
end, and I don't see that happening. (she seems obsessed,
intent on having her way, and determined to "win" over me).
So,even if it's not a very happy relationship and has no
potential to ever be "real", I'm afraid WH is in it for the
long haul also.
Slammed