DC,

What you wrote about coersion of care and exhaustion I totally get. I also understand the detachment, sort of a protective messure as the WH isn't partaking in rebuilding. Mine more or less says, w/o saying it, I'm here, therefore that counts. I'm more we are either both engaged in improving things, or we end this. I cannot carry the whole weight of working on the M. I was to the pt. of being too tired, and gave up. Hoping deep down that he would then take up the staff, which he hasn't. He thinks he has bc he is "nice" to me and we don't argue. We don't argue bc I don't see the pt.. I read somewhere when a women stops complaining, it means she has given up, the man on the other hand sees this as great, things are better. I even told my WH this.

I am starting to resign myself to co-living with WH until such time we can separate. Your words neglect above really makes me think.

I also believe that I am PA and I do see that in your responses/actions as well. I like being the victim, I think you do to. You will see it in yourself if you read about it, learn and are honest with yourself.

That's not what I meant, DC. That's not what I meant at all.
Mulan

Post deleted by Detached_Care

I meant, "If you actually want a marriage with this man, you will have to do healthy and positive things towards him whether you get a response from him or not."

But if you'd rather go on torturing each other to death in the ****** of Passive/Aggressive Land, then just keep on doing what you're doing. That WILL always work and you WILL always win - as long as you consider successfully tormenting your husband while you remain a passive, pathetic victim to be "wins".

Please re-read my earlier post to you in this thread about P/A behaviour.

YOU have the power to effect change here, but you refuse to do that. Instead, you stubbornly cling to P/A tactics and then insist, insist, insist that you are a victim. That's right out of the P/A Handbook.

Wouldn't it be better to spend a while doing healthy and positive things WHETHER YOUR H RESPONDS TO THEM RIGHT AWAY OR NOT? If you did, you could look yourself in the mirror and honestly say:

"I did everything I could to save this marriage.

"I knocked off the P/A stuff and started being honest and open WITHOUT EXPECTING AN IMMEDIATE CHANGE.

"I did courteous and positive things for my H WITHOUT EXPECTING AN IMMEDIATE CHANGE.

"I did what was honest and right. Beyond that, there was nothing anyone could have done. But at least I have the satisfaction of knowing I did the right things and I will be able to say that to my children with a clear conscience."

It's just a thought.
Mulan