46XY



Sorry! Couldn't resist that one! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />




Sorry to hear about that. I would HIGHLY recommend that you find a new position elsewhere. Even accidental contact is still contact and WILL hold everyone back.

One of the unfortunate consequences of a workplace A is that one HAS to leave. Usually both wind up leaving because things become "uncomfortable" for the one that remains. I have seen this play out many times through out the years.

As far as telling your employer, they had likely already suspected / known what was going on. I doubt this was the "cause" of your OW's dismissal but it would not have helped her cause if they had a need to "cut staffing".

Is the town that you live in small? Is there a good chance of running into each other often? If this is so it may be a good idea to relocate to where this is unlikly to happen.

Relocation / Job change are a few of the ways that you can protect your W. She may or may not want this. Her current support system will have a lot to do with this.

If you W doesn't want her friends to know and still needs someone to talk to about this let me know. I will see if Mrs. Field would like to talk to her on the phone.

Again it would be best if you could get your W to post here. There is much solid support / advise that she can receive here on MB.

Stay Strong!

From Penalty Kill

"PS: In the interest of full disclosure, the OM from my W’s VLTA has suffered no consequences whatsoever. None. Neither has FWW actually. Only me."

Aphelion, I read your post in Recovery. Perhaps the OM in your situation should start stocking up on Rogaine and Propecia.

Seriously, has your W suffered *no* consequences at all? Because I know that I have. Watching my H suffer at my own hand, knowing that most of the bad stuff in our lives over the last 15 months was due directly or indirectly to me...those are my consequences. And I am certain there are more to come. I'm resigned to it at this point. We make it through each day, but even on the best days there is a degree of....flatness.

My H said yesterday that he was glad that he had never shown his anger toward me. I was puzzled by that. He has gone on many long tirades that he admits are abusive and I have pages of his angry notes in my drawers. It turns out what he meant was that he had never hit me.

But he can see I suffer the consequences that I deserve.

I can't say about OM. I haven't spoken to him or seen him in years, which is the way I wanted it. My H feels much as you do though - that he's getting off scot-free, so I understand where you're coming from. That's a source of great frustration for him, and he thought very, very seriously about revenge/justice for a long time. I am sure that he still does. But I don't see any way for him to act without it bouncing back to our family like a errant boomerang.

46xy, I think it would be well worth exploring a job change, as WTF states. It would probably benefit both you and your W. You have a long road ahead of you, so removing some of the obstacles that are within your reach is a good idea.

OK, PK, all's cool.

I was reading this the other day:

King David's adultery (he also did it for "love") even though he repented, was punished thus:

"Now, therefore, the sword shall never depart from your house, because you have despised me and have taken the wife of Uriah to be your wife.'

Thus says the Lord:

'I will bring evil upon you out of your own house.

I will take your wives while you live to see it, and will give them to your neighbor. He shall lie with your wives in broad daylight.

You have done this deed in secret, but I will bring it about in the presence of all Israel, and with the sun looking down.'" 2 Sam 10-12

Now them's consequences. Not to mention exposure.

With prayers,

You still out there 46XY?

Hi WTF - Yes I am, thanks for asking. Lots of anxiety. W and I have been doing lots of communicating. Mostly about the A, but also about a lot of other things as well. I've started reading SAA. We have also been spending more time together in the evenings, after the kids go to bed, and that is something that we really never used to do, so I think that is good. She has been having goods day, and not so good days. It's only been a week since dday.

PK wrote - "Seriously, has your W suffered *no* consequences at all? Because I know that I have. Watching my H suffer at my own hand, knowing that most of the bad stuff in our lives over the last 15 months was due directly or indirectly to me...those are my consequences."

I started replying the other day to Aphelion along these lines, but I did not post it. I can see his point. PK - thanks for the post. This is not an excuse, only the reality of it - has nothing to do with my genetic make-up.

The OW emailed me the other day. I did not reply back. She made some comments the sounded suicidal and desperate. I called her good friend, who knows the situation, to let her know that she emailed me and the contents of the email. I also let her friend know that she (OW) must never contact me again. She totally understood and was going to talk to her. In reading SAA, I now understand the addiction that goes on. Her email did state that it would be the last email ever. I told my W everything, and I also let the friend know that my W knows everything as well.

I'm starting my search for a different job. My W doesn't think that it's necessary, but I do.

46XY

46,
I am glad things are going in a positvie direction. have you suggested she come here?

46XY


This is very normal for all parties involved. You are only a week out from D-Day thus far. The anxiety levels will start to lower themselves soon. (and then go back up, and then down, and up and down, Remember the rollercoaster?)



Excellent work. Mrs. Field and I have a time set at the end of each day that is "US" time. Just Mrs. Field and I. The kids are put to bed and know not to disturb us.



That is the rollercoaster! It is a day to day thing. It will be for awhile. It will take her some time to ground herself after this. Be very patient and gentle with her.

Have you discovered any of her triggers yet?



Good! I am glad that you did not reply and that you contacted someone else to handle this. Now you need to block her email address so you never get an email from her again. Tell her good friend that you don't want to hear news about OW. This is important for everyones recovery! Don't try to follow OW's progress by "proxy". It will only retard everyone progress in this sitch.



Excellent! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> It is imperative that you become as transparent as possible. The trust that she previously had in you has been shattered. These small steps of open honesty will help her rebuild her trust.



Good luck with that!


Do you and Mrs. 46XY have any children? Do they know about this?


Stay Strong!

BTW: I'm not normally on the boards on the weekend. I'll catch up on your sitch on Monday!

Hi WTF - yes, we have 3 children. 13, 11, and 7. As far as we know, they do not know of our situation. At this point, we do not plan on telling them. Our plan is to do our best to recover our M.

46xy

46XY

How are things going for you & the Mrs?

I was just thinking about you.

Let us know how you are doing when you get a chance.

Hi WTF - Going as good as can be expected. The rollercoaster emotions that you and others haved talked about are in full swing. Tonight we are going out to dinner together. The older kids have plans, and the youngest is staying with Grandma while we are out. It will be good and long overdue. We have been doing a lot of reading and talking, but I have not been successful in getting her to this website. I think she will in time, but it will be on her terms, when she is ready. All I can say is that she is still here and still willing to work on our M, and I can not ask for anymore than that. I'm very thankful that I found this site, and the discussion board. It has explained a lot. I too have been going thru a range of emotions. The guilt, shame, the dark reality of what I did, and how much I hurt the person I love the most is overwhelming at times. What was I thinking???? It makes me wonder sometime if it will ever go away. I know it's nothing compared to what my W feels and has been going thru. I still remain optimistic about our future, and I keep letting her know that I will do whatever it takes, and for as long as it takes for us to recover. Right now it's one day at a time.

Thanks for checking in.

46xy

hello 46xy,
I'm glad you updated. If you think she would like to email me, I would be happy to do that. I am a BW, and can really relate with her.

It is so very hard to tell even your closest friends, but it does help to talk to someone who has walked where you are walking.

The rollercoaster is well on it's way. We were making progress, talking, discussing the A, reading SAA, and spending more time together. The other day she thought she "caught" me in a lie regarding the A, but it wasn't. I KNOW that I must tell the truth no matter what, and I have explained this to her. We have talked about so much, that some details may have been overlooked on her end. Now, she is very upset with me, and will not talk to me.
Is there a way I should handle this? I try to talk, but she does not want to.
Is is best to give her time and when she's ready to discuss it more, let her initiate the conversation?
I don't want to push her, but definately want to keep the communication going.
Advice please.

46XY

Good to hear from you!

What is going on is NORMAL. At this point your W is Hypervigilant and Hypersensitive to ANY percieved untruths. She will work through this!

You need to exercise patience and give her the time necessary to process / get through this. It is difficult but the best gift you can give right now is your patience.

She will will come to you when she is ready to talk some more.

Time, patience, understanding, and empathy are your best tools right now.

Stay Strong!

46XY,

Just Checking in.

How are things going with you and Mrs. 46XY?

Job Search?

No Contact?

Give us a shout when you're ready.

Stay Strong.

WTF,

Thanks for checking in. We are doing better. Still on the rollercoaster - some good days, and some not-so-good days. We are noticing the triggers, and I can tell when she has been "triggered" - no doubt about that. I give her time, then we talk about it. Sometimes this can be days, but usally after we talk about it, things are better for awhile. We are sill reading, and have filled out our EN worksheet. I'm going to start reading HNHN tonight, and we are also going to start walking together as much as we can. This will help us spend some more together, as well as some exercise and fresh air.

The job search is still on-going. I had a phone interview last week, but haven't heard back yet. So still looking.

No contact - that is correct, no contact.

She is still reluctant to come to MB's website, but I remain hopeful that she will when she wants to. She still asks questions about the A, and I answer them. Sometimes I think she over does it with the questions, and it causes her resentment, but I dont want to stop her from asking if she feels she needs to. I want her to know, thru my actions and not just words, that I do not want this to ever happen again and will take whatever steps necessary to prevent this from happening again (to either on of us).

We are early in our recovery, but when does the guilt, shame, and pain of the A start to decrease for a FWS? I know the pain is worse for her, more of a physical pain, and she thinks that it will never go away.

BTW, one year ago today is when I found out that the OW's H exposed the A to OW. I'm not sure what the means to me, but I'm feeling a little anxious today for some reason.

Thanks.

46XY, each BS recovers a little differently, but I have observed that those whose spouses who are very forthcoming and actively interested in their recovery, seem to recover much, much faster.

Just the fact that you volunteered the truth out of a sense of morality and a sincere interest in her well being contributes ENORMOUSLY to the restoration of trust in your marriage.

Your willingness to patiently answer each question openly and honestly will also be a huge help. She is asking you over and over again in order to test your veracity and ensure she fully understands the story. In order for her to MOVE ON, she has to fully understand the story. That is HOW SHE PROGRESSES through the stages of recovery. Her endless questions help her come to terms with all this and your willingness to answer ASSURES her that you love her.

Answering her questions does not cause resentment, but not answering them WOULD. It does make her MAD when she hears the truth, but that is ok. That is how she deals with this and gets through her recovery.

For me, it took about 12 months to not feel furious about the affair. The 8 month mark was the absolute worst time period for me because my relief wore off and fury set in. That was like my LAST GASP before I really started getting better. After that phase my thoughts were less and less frequent about the affair until they eventually went away.

I would expect that your W might get through this faster because of your approach. The differences between you and my H is that you VOLUNTEERED this information and you are giving her full and complete information. I had to find out ON MY OWN and had to drag each detail out myself, which caused huge crippling resentment that slowed our recovery.

You are doing great, and I applaud your efforts. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

ML,

Thanks for the advice and info.

As difficult as it's been, I have not had a problem with her questions, and I know it's a very important part of recovery. It's interesting, I'm finding out that by her asking questions about the A, it's also forcing me to think of why I did this. What problems existed, why I chose the path I did, why I would never choose it again, and what my W and I need to do to make this work, and make it better than it was before - hopefully. It's actually a way of self-reflection and healing. Through MB's site, these discussion boards, books, W's questions, and other things, I've discovered things about myself that need to change. Radical honesty being first, something that I have not been good at for most of my life. Turns out that I avoid confrontation a lot of the time, and a lot of the time I avoided confrontation by not being totally honest.

I'm also aware that there most likely will be a period of anger and resentment, like what you mentioned - usually around the 6-8 month mark. That's in the back of my mind.

The advice from you and others has been awesome, and I thank you for that.


46XY

Haven't heard from you in awhile 46XY.

How are you and Mrs. 46XY doing?

Any progress? Frustrations?

Let us know when you can!

Haven't heard from you in awhile 46XY.

How are you and Mrs. 46XY doing?

Job Search? How are your kids holding up?

Let us know when you can!