Snr, yes, in my experience it is possible for a wayward spouse to “fall in love” with the OP while still love his/her spouse, but when this happens the WS will usually says to the BS,
”I love you but I’m not in love with you”. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
During my own fog and withdrawal I felt the same. I felt very confused about my feelings for FOM and questioned my feelings for my H. This was all part of the “fog” and my own lack of knowledge and understanding at the time about the nature of love and the differences between infatuation; “falling” in love and mature love in a M. At the time, I didn’t understand how it could be possible to develop such deep “in love” feelings for another man while you still love your own spouse… I thought it couldn’t be possible to have feelings for
two men at the same time. However, I have read and researched on this topic and discovered that many people (especially WS’s) often confuse real, stable & mature love (which can only be obtained through a long, committed relationship like a M) with the first stages of immature, puppy love when people “fall” in love and when hormones and chemicals are running high. These are 2 completely different types of love (mature & immature) and many people often expect to always have those “in love” feelings for their partner. They think something is wrong with the M if those euphoric feelings wear off. When the WS then get attracted and/or involved with someone else and experience those early stages of love & feelings again, they start doing the ILYBINILWY speech. I thought the same thing during and after my EA, but I have learned and grown and realized that I was indeed “in love” with my dear H, but just in a more
mature way.
To explain this better: Dr Phil once said there is a difference between “falling” in love and “being” in love... He said spouses don’t stop to love each other, but instead, love transforms and develops into something more mature and stable. To use his exact words: The partner in a long & committed R became the
soft place to fall. The following is from a website link and very insightful:
Falling in love is obviously not confined to infidelity. Most contemporary marriages start out with romantic love. But, therapists say, couples have to grow up and understand that "feelings of love are neither steady nor constant but travel in natural cycles,” as Abrahms Spring puts it. "If your relationship doesn't live up to your ideas about love, the problem may be not with your relationship but with your ideas," she writes.
Therefore, often the problem with foggy WS/FWS’s is their
ideas about love and the true meaning of
mature love in a M.
Back in 2003 I have posted a thread on the most important lessons I’ve learned and my perceptive then and prior to my EA. One of my perceptions before my EA was that:
“if you truly love your spouse, there can never be a place in your heart for someone else. If you develop feelings for someone else, you don’t really love your spouse.” After my EA I have learned that the above perception was false and that:
“it IS possible to truly love your S and at the same time have feelings for someone else. The theory of the love bank explains this phenomenon very clearly.”However, it’s important to keep in mind that “falling in love” is all about
feelings and not real love. Not even close. Real love is
action. Actually, the chapter on love in the Bible (I Corinthians 13) explain how real/true love is action and not feeling. And while reading and studying this chapter in the Bible, it becomes clear that the behavior and choices of WS in an A is actually the
opposite of real love since they behave in totally unloving and destructive ways towards themselves and others:
"Love is patient, love is kind.” – Patience and kindness is
actions e.g. one
chooses to act patient and kind. Therefore one chooses to
act in loving ways.
“It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not rejoice in evil but rejoices with the truth.” – These also implicate
action. One
chooses to
not envy;
not boast;
not act proud, rude, self-seeking, angry. One
chooses to
not keep record of wrongs and
not rejoice with evil. In other words one
chooses to NOT act in ways which will be unloving and destructive for self and others.
”It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." – Again, one
chooses to act protective; to trust, hope etc.
In one of my favorite books “Road Less Traveled” the author (M. Scott Peck) also describes how real love is action and not feeling, but how the common tendency of people to confuse these two allows them all manner of self-deception e.g. possessing a feeling of love and then acting in response to that feeling in all manner of unloved and destructive ways (like WS’s and OP’s in A’s). Underneath are a view extracts from the book:
[color:"blue"]Of all the misconceptions about love the most powerful and pervasive is the belief that ‘falling in love’ is love or at least one of the manifestations of love. It is a potent misconception, because falling in love is subjectively experienced in a very powerful fashion as an experience of love.
Falling in love is not an act of will. It is not a conscious choice. Not matter how open to or eager for it we may be, the experience may still elude us. Contrarily, the experience may capture us at times when we are definitely not seeking it, when it is inconvenient and undesirable. We are as likely to fall in love with someone with whom we are obviously ill matched as with someone more suitable. Indeed, we may not even like or admire the object of our passion, yet, try as we might, we may not be able to fall in love with a person whom we deeply respect and with whom a deep relationship would be in all ways desirable.
This is not to say that the experience of falling in love is immune to discipline. Psychiatrists, for instance, frequently fall in love with their patients, just as their patients fall in love with them, yet out of duty to the patient and their role they are usually able to abort the collapse of their ego boundaries and give up the person as a romantic object. The struggle and suffering of the discipline involved may be enormous. But discipline and will can only control the experience; they cannot create it. We can choose how to respond to the experience of falling of love, but we cannot choose the experience itself.
Love is not a feeling. Many, many people possessing a feeling of love and even acting in response to that feeling act in all manner of unloved and destructive ways. It is not only possible but necessary for a loving person to avoid acting on feelings of love. I may meet a woman who strongly attracts me, whom I feel like loving, but because it would be destructive to my marriage to have an affair, I will say vocally or in the silence of my heart, ‘I feel like loving you, but I am not going to’. My feelings of love may be unbounded, but my capacity to be loving is limited. I therefore must choose the person on whom to focus my capacity to love, toward whom to direct my will to love.
True love is not a feeling by which we are overwhelmed. It is a committed, thoughtful decision. Genuine love implies commitment and the exercise of wisdom. When we are concerned for someone’s spiritual growth, we know that a lack of commitment is likely to be harmful and that commitment to that person is probably necessary for us to manifest our concern effectively.
Genuine love is volitional rather than emotional. The person who truly love does so because of a decision to love. This person has made a commitment to be loving whether or not the loving feeling is present. If it is, so much the better; but if it isn’t, the commitment to love, the will to love, still stands and is still exercised.
The common tendency to confuse love with feelings of love allows people all manner of self-deception. It is clear that there may be a self-serving quality in this tendency to confuse love with the feeling of love; it is easy and not at all unpleasant to find evidence of love in one’s feelings. It may be difficult and painful to search for evidence of love in one’s actions. But because true love is an act of will that often transcends ephemeral feelings of love, it is correct to say, ‘Love is as love does’.[/color]
Here are the full extracts on love from “Road Less Traveled”.
You will also find the following thread very insightful:
The difference between the Fog and Love
