I am trying so hard to have NC with OM. When I saw him last, he had gained weight,hair too short and had a shirt on that made me dizzy to look at. I'm not even really that attracted to him. So why do I miss him so much.

Is it really him or just how he made me feel during the EA? I just can't seem to let go completely and I don't know why. I'm always wondering what he's doing and how he is - why do I care?

Any FWW advice out there to help me see the reality of the OM and NOT this crazy addiction I have to this "fantasy" person I've created in my mind. I hate that it has this much control over my mind. How do I just let it all go - once and for all?

You answered your own question. The A's are really not about the OP, it is about YOU. Find something to distract yourself when you think about him. Maybe a rubber band you can snap your wrist with whenever you have those thoughts until it becomes negative for you. You will likely never completely stop having thoughts cross your mind but they will change, believe me. I wince when I think of what I did to my family. {{firsttimer}}

Or you could understand that he is the scumbag who assisted you in destroying everything, you H, Kids, Marriage, & Family. A real man, nice guy, a guy worth having, does not do the duty with a married woman and respects that woman and her H (even anyone in general) enough to not help the infidel destroy their life.

I want to see him in a negative light - believe me. I know this really must have something to do with me and what is missing inside of me.

Without the EA, I feel the "excitement" of my work day is gone. Now it's just work. It was fun to talk on the phone and e-mail. I thought it was harmless fun, but I now realize that I depended on that - now that I don't have it - I miss it. I feel like calling or e-mailing him.

I wish I could be the one to say " I don't want to do this anymore", but I think that I do want to do it more - WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? It's like I have two lives - at home I'm a responsible wife and mother, but when I have the freedom at work, I'm like a "single" person almost and want the relationship with OM. I think I'm crazy.

On Lexapro - not helping. Uhg!

FT,

I know how you feel. It sucks right now. But, the longer you maintain NC the better it does get.

The problem is you told yourself so many lies that you came to believe them. That's why you feel crazy. Your beliefs and reality don't jive.

Here's a link to an old thread that really helped me a great deal.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0&fpart=1

Perhaps it will help you too. It took me days to read through it. I copied and printed out many of the posts from it, to re-read later.


~ Marsh

How do you think you would feel if your husband told you that he feels he has two lives. At home he is a responsible husband and father, but when he is at work he feels like he is a single person and wants a relationship with his OW? You and your husband need marriage counseling badly.

Every time you have thoughts of OM, intentionally and consciously replace them with thoughts of how you can become closer to your husband.

Each instance remember how you felt during your dating period with your husband. How much you loved him because how HE made you feel about yourself.

Its all a matter of choice. Choose to control what and who you think about by training yourself every time OM seeps into your thoughts.

Jo

the A is but that's about it.... I just want you to know that while you CAN still salvage your M, you should seek counseling. Sounds like some of the needs this OM meets perhaps need to be met by your spouse and he may or may not even realize this. Your addiction to the OM is a powerful one and you will not be able to see clearly for a while. The "fog" you hear talk about here on these boards can be so dense and the addiction so powerful, it makes you go against your values!

Keep busy, email friends when you feel like you want to email OM, listen to Christian music (helps me remember my purpose in life and that this too shall pass) keep more busy, do some reading, I just picked up "Not Just Friends" and OMG if I had read this sooner!!!

Above all... pray....

Good luck
Becca

Thanks for all the advice - Unfortunately, I am so pissed at myself right now. When I don't hear from OM, I feel rejected and denied. When I do hear from him, I feel wanted, needed and desired. I need to figure a way to not "need" him and his acceptance and approval.

I have that from my H, but this was new and exciting - I just got so caught up in it and it made me feel special. How do I go back to how I felt before the EA? How do I forget how great I felt. How do I go back to not getting that "reinforcement" from someone new?

Could this at all stem from a father who did not show affection or communicate well at all? Am I just seeking "love" from this OM? OR - is this all just a big "challenge" for me? Do I just want to prove to myself that I still have that ability to make someone fall in love with me?

I know I need therapy. I'm working on it....

1sttimer:

Your Quote:
Without the EA, I feel the "excitement" of my work day is gone. Now it's just work. It was fun to talk on the phone and e-mail. I thought it was harmless fun, but I now realize that I depended on that - now that I don't have it - I miss it. I feel like calling or e-mailing him.

Don't call the OM. I felt the same way since d-day, but I can not contact the OW. Why? because it will hurt my spouse.

So, what do you do? Send an e-mail to your H. Leave a racy message on his cell phone. Transfer these energies you feel to improve your relationship with your H.

Yes, you are seeking acceptance from the OM, find out what you were getting from him and work with your H to get those things. Read HNHN, Now!

awesome suggestion LG

I too went through the same thing and think I did it, because things weren't so great at home. So when the EA ended and things still weren't so great at home, you really feel the void. It forced me to work on the relationship I had with my H. And I am glad to say, that I am happier with him than I had been in years. We actually have a sex life! Check out *********edit********* I found a book there called the Sex Starved Marriage and it changed so much on how we relate! There are lots of places to look for help. If you want to keep your family together, it is worth the effort. Good luck.

Thanks for listening - good advice. I think it's just going to be hard for awhile. I just need to break free from the thought that if OM calls then it's a good day - if he doesn't then it's a bad day.

It's so scary because I was ready to sleep with OM - how insane is that. At least he had the willpower to not let it get to an EA. I'm just weak and insecure. I even let myself think about what life would be like with OM. How stupid is that? I think I am just bored with my life.

I am so thankful for all my blessings and my family. This was supposed to be harmless fun, but now I don't know how to go back and I feel used by the OM. I'm embarrassed, ashamed and generally feel horrible for letting someone else have control over emotions in my own head.

I have to regain control of my life - without OM. I have to work on my marriage and my mental stability as to how I got into this mess. Sorry for rambling - it helps.

FT,

Some concrete ideas:

1. Every time you get the "need" to email or call him. Call or email your husband instead. If my FWH had spent half the time contacting me instead of OW, the relationship we could have built with that contact would have been amazing. Think of what you COULD be doing to repair and rebuild with your husband - each thought of OM could turn into an opportunity to do something RIGHT for your H and your marriage.

2. Instead of spending time in your thoughts about how boring your life is - change your own behavior. Get up and go DO something. I mean this in the most respectful way possible! DO something positive - volunteer somewhere, help a child learn to read, help at the local nursing home, do something for someone else that you are able to do and that needs to be done in your community. The fastest way to feel good about yourself and your life is to give of yourself. You said something to the effect that OM makes you feel "needed" - you ARE needed - just figure out what you can do well, and give that skill away to people in need. You will feel fulfilled, and you won't believe the rise in your sense of worth.

3. In order to help kill the fantasy thoughts about what life would be like with OM, just focus on what life would be like WITHOUT your wonderful family - because THAT is what life would be like WITH the OM. Simple, but true.

4. Try replacement thoughts. When all else fails, think of a place that you love. This works best if you pre-think of it. For example, when I prepared for this strategy, I decided that I would think of a field of tulips in Holland. I had a particular picture in my mind, and pre-thought about that picture, so it would be very easy for me to bring up the image in my mind when I needed to. Then, when the images of my husband's OW and the A kept haunting me, I would say "NO" very loudly in my mind, and then focus on the field of tulips. This takes a little practice, but each time the other thought tried to barge in, I repeated "NO", and refocused. Ultimately, the flowers win out. It got easier and easier. Again, it takes some practice. Got to where I just yell, "NO" to myself.

Hope this helps.

SB

Don't accept ANY calls from OM. Have you done a no contact letter?

firsttimer,

Ok, you want to break this addiction??? The first thing you do is tell your H about it and look at his face when he finds out that another man has your heart. Then just tell him it was "harmless" fun. I don't think he will believe it was harmless.

It is not harmless, because every time you think about OM, you are NOT thinking about your H or your family. Your boredom is your problem, it is not something your H can fix. Your choice to have an affair and violate your vows are YOUR choices.

The state of the marriage is something and your H share, but not your choice have the affair. Tell your H what you have done, and ask HIM for help. He is the one that can help you more than anyone.

As you do this, please read the articles here, especially Harley's 4 rules for a marriage, the concepts of radical honesty and the policy of Joint agreement. There is even more to read but start with those.

Tell your H about your affair, and you will start to see OM in a whole different light. A man that will play around on his wife and with another man's W is NOT someone to be admired or lusted after.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

I have told my H about the EA - it was horrible and that is why I want to stop this addiction. I don't want to hurt my H ever again like I did the night I told him. It was so scary. I had resolution from that night on that the EA was OVER.

I did great for about a month and H has been fantastic. Stupid thoughts of OM keep creeping in my mind though - Why can't I just let it go - 1) I do not want him (as a H), 2) I don't want to sleep with him 3) I hate that he thinks he has me - I want to let all this go - I'm so mad at myself for even being here.

I'm a mom and a professional in the workforce and I want to grow up and get back to my regular life. This whole saga is so uncharacteristic of me. I know time will help tremendously - I'm just getting impatient with myself.

Sorry for being such a mess!

Have been reading posts on this sight for months and this is my first time to respond. But I could not NOT say something in response to LG's advice to "transfer your energy to your spouse" to help you not think about the OM. Isn't that part of the problem? I am the FWS and "sending racy messages" to my husband is not something I can do right now. I don't know if I'll ever want to have sex with my husband again. Your logic makes it sound like we have an on/off switch when it comes to sex. If we don't want it, there is no way to just "decide" to direct your energy toward a spouse you have NO attraction to.

Battles, oh yes there is a way to "decide" to direct your energy to your spouse.

It was by "deciding" to direct my energy to my spouse that set me on the path to recovery.

The man I thought I had NO attraction to (my H) is now the man I find completely sexy again and completely attractive again, as I always had before the A.

I don't think FWS describes you yet.

I have "decided" to stay and try to heal the marriage. We are currently in therapy(have been for 4 years off and on). But I find sex almost impossible. I've tried and cry afterward...it's horrible. My situation is probably a bit different from yours since I've never been physically attracted to my husband. I've been looking through many of the posts but have not found anyone really talking about how difficult sex is after an affair, especially if you never really liked it before the A. It was always my obligation as his wife. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it's the truth. Was it easy for you after the affair?