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Re: The great unspoken fears . . .
Hiker45 #1754490 10/06/06 02:25 AM
Joined: Jul 2004
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I think one of the great unspoken fears we have as betrayed spouses is that we are afraid we will never find any relationship as good as the one we had with our spouse prior to the affair.

Many of us had good marriages. Others had what Pittman calls "salvageable" marriages, where there were a few problems that could have been solved by better communication or counseling.

But once the affair devastated our marriages we had to ask ourselves some hard questions. Will we ever find someone as good as our spouse was before the infidelity? Given the statistics on unsuccessful second and third marriages and marriages of blended families, is the deck stacked against us?

Were we driven by our subconscious into choosing someone who was destined by their character flaws, personality disorders, or corrupt values to be unfaithful, and will it happen again?

I feared this for a while, but I soon realised that I'd be OKay with or without Squid. In fact for a while I thought a new spouse who hadn't betrayed me might be a pretty good thing.

I'm glad I stuck it out now though.



How can the wayward spouse throw away all the wonderful memories of their courtship and marriage as though they meant nothing?

Because they HAVE to else they face the reality that their affair is evil, selfish unjustified.

MB Alumni
Re: The great unspoken fears . . .
Bob_Pure #1754491 10/06/06 05:56 AM
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i'm afraid that, evn if my h is unhappy and realizes he made a mistake and/or if the affair ends...he may think that he has just done too much damage for us to work through...

especially since I have had no contact with him ever sincehe called ranting and cussing and i changed all of my numbers

will he think the plan B letter which states i would be willing to try again if the affair ends is no longer how i feel???

and it's been a lonnnng time and he may think that i've changed my mind
Re: The great unspoken fears . . .
eav1967 #1754492 10/06/06 06:39 AM
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Hiker45
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Quote
i'm afraid that, evn if my h is unhappy and realizes he made a mistake and/or if the affair ends...he may think that he has just done too much damage for us to work through...

What do you think? Has he caused too much damage?

Quote
will he think the plan B letter which states i would be willing to try again if the affair ends is no longer how i feel???

and it's been a lonnnng time and he may think that i've changed my mind

I think he would test the waters to see if you were open to recovery if that is what he really wanted. My guess is that he is still deep in the affair. Even if the affair was wavering, I think he would want to contact you or someone you both know to find out if you still cared for him.

Now I know that is a depressing thought, but not all alcoholics can be reformed and not all drug addicts shake the habit -- not all cheaters seek reconciliation with those they injured.

The good news for you, Eav, is that there are other men out there, and coupled with the things you have learned from this experience, you have a great chance at creating a better relationship than you have ever had before.
Re: The great unspoken fears . . .
Hiker45 #1754493 10/06/06 06:50 AM
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Quote
I feared this for a while, but I soon realised that I'd be OKay with or without Squid. In fact for a while I thought a new spouse who hadn't betrayed me might be a pretty good thing.

I'm glad I stuck it out now though.

I'm glad you stick around here, bOb. You are definitely an inspiration for those who still have a chance to save their marriage.

2muchhrtbrk,

I agree that the personality of the WS plays a key role in determining whether he/she seeks recovery. I wish there was a nice little questionaire capable of figuring out who will and who won't! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />
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