IMHO, all that statistics tell us is that it is difficult for parents with teen and preteen kids to remarry. Difficult, but not impossible.

I think we've all seen that people who marry too soon after a divorce have a difficult time, but its not impossible. We can all point to people who have made it work.

So, the question is, am I one of those who can defy the odds? I don't know, perhaps I am, perhaps I'm not. Maybe I can be if I heed the message that statistics tell us and be extraordinarily cautious and not jump into marriage without second, third, and fourth thoughts about it.

And I think that is what is being said on both sides of this argument.

well, once again nellie and i are going to have to agree to disagree on this one. i see absolultely nothing wrong with remarriage when kids are involved, period.

my comments on this topic are done.

mlhb

I can tell you. Basically all you have done is wasted 8yrs of your life...other than your kids. Your kids are your #1 priority, but they shouldnt be your ONLY one. The older you are the more difficult it is to find partners. Try dating at 50 instead of 35. Anyhow, YOUR decision to wait is YOURS.....I think its a huge mistake. Your kids would probably have loved to seen you happy and loved in return (possibly)....but, we will never know....because you have given up those years.

Listen....Im not dogging you for waiting, thats your decsion and we all have our own. I just know that I met someone shortly after my divorce and I married her a year later.....we are extremely happy, so are our kids and we just welcomed a new addition to the family (5yrs later).

God bless you.

ok, i said my comments were done but i just had to say that once again i agree with startin over 100%. i would like to have another child. i will not do that out of wedlock. i am 35. if i wait til my kids are 18 and leaving the house i will then be 44! like i am going to find a man at 44 or 45 who wants to have another child nor do i want another one at that age! i would have another one at 36,37,38 around in there. that requires remarriage for me.

i don't dog anyone either who choses to wait but don't dog me because i won't and because not only is my children's happiness but MY happiness is important too.

mlhb

Are you saying that you can't have a fulfilling life if you don't have a man in it (or woman, for those who are male?). That is absolutely not true. My kids are my number one priority - my job, my volunteer work, my family and my friends are all important also.

My best friend divorced 13 years ago, since she has never had any R. Her daughter is 18 now...

Children are used for many excuses.
People in M say "I'm fighting for my M because of children", or "I stayed with him/her just because of children".
And some people say "I don't/won't date till my children are grown up."

And yes, parents consider children's health and happiness, of course, BUT, in all cases, parents chose what's the best for themselves not necessarily for children too, be it dating or not dating, remarriage or not till children are out of home.

And my friend admits that.
She says - when she thinks of all searching for 'right match', compromising, problems with blended families, above all her lost trust in men/M... she says - for me, it's not worth it, I have my job, daughter, family, friends, quite enough for me.

Better for her daughter or not, she admits it is better - for her.

i am NOT saying i have to have a man in my life to be fullfilled. HOWEVER, i am still young, i do want another child and i cannot do that by myself (and i am not going to some sperm bank, etc... i want the family unit which includes a man) i am not knocking you for your choices nellie, but don't knock me for mine. i would not be happy to be alone for the next 10 years, no way. i had plenty of alone time in my marriage and after. believe me, i have been very alone. i don't want that anymore. my kids will be fine.

mlhb

StartinOver did state quite clearly that I had wasted 8 years of my life because there was no man in it, a statement with which I strongly disagree.

If you read most of the postings on the message boards I linked to above, you will notice that remarriage did not make these women happy. Many of them are absolutely miserable, and although they generally say they love their new husbands, many of them regret having remarried.

I have no problem with the wish to have another child - even after six of them, I wouldn't mind another one myself. Remarriage is a very risky way to achieve that goal, since around two/thirds of remarriages fail. There are so many kids who are awaiting adoption, and quite a few of these would prefer a single parent home.

If I were a prospective husband, I would be upset if I thought that the main reason the woman wanted to marry was that she wanted a child. What if you or your husband has fertility problems? I have a friend who has three children, one conceived accidentally. She remarried in her late 30's and tried for years, at great emotional and financial expense, to conceive, before giving up.

Ok Nellie, it seems that you dont want a relationship at any point....so, forget what I said. If you DO intend on having a relationship after your kids are grown....good luck.....you will need it. The pickins will be much, much slimmer for a mature woman with 6 kids.....grown or not. Thats just the way things are. This is how the world is today. Also, if someone did want to start a relationship after their kids were adults......Why in the world would you want to then??? After waiting for a decade or more and someone is almost 50, why then??? Heck, I definately wouldnt want to start dating then.

Like I said.....it seems to me (IMHO) that you dont want anyone else period.....now or later. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

oh my , i was definitely misunderstood. i am NOT looking for a husband so i can have another child! no no no... lets say the R i am in right now turns into a marriage a year or 2 down the road. he doesn't even know if he wants another child and i am fine with that. i would like another one but i will live if i don't have another one. wow, i am not looking for a sperm donor in any way.

just wanted to make that CRYSTAL clear.

mlhb

Jeepers.

I honestly don't know if I would ever remarry again.Some of the comments here.....

I don't care if the pickins are slim as we get older.Maybe that's why some women don't think remarriage is a good idea.Not enough good men available.

I have at least 7 years before my kids are out of HS.Let alone college but by then they are much more self reliant.I know I do not really want to remarry before they are out of HS.If I did it would be some kind of miracle.I have read about and known about "blended" families for a long time and I don't think I want that in my life.Things are very simple and calm right now, now that my exwh is gone.I would like to date sometime very much.But adding in a new man into our life and having him move in due to marriage is not something I think I could do anytime soon.I guess if it did happen it would be after many years of him becoming part of our family and by then it might be those 7 years anyway.

I'm not saying I would wait to date all that time but remarriage,I don't think so.

People should talk about that issue up front and see if they could wait to be married when the kids are out.You could be engaged for that time,making a committment.

StartinOver,

So people who are almost fifty no longer are interested in having a relationship? Do they have one foot in the grave?
The decades between 20 and 40 are not the only worthwhile years of one's life.

I don't NEED another relationship, but I wouldn't necessarily reject one, if my kids were grown. Just so you know, when my youngest turns 18, I will be 60 - dating a 50 year old would seem rather like robbing the cradle.

I wonder - would you say my daughter, who is in her mid-twenties, single, and deeply immersed in her career, has "wasted" all those years since she was, say, 18? I would guess that she would disagree.

I hear what you ladies are saying.....and I do understand....but, disagree.

I guess Im one of the few successful blended family stories.

and i agree with you startin over, 150%... i do believe it can be done, i do believe it is not selfish to want to remarry while still young, i do not believe it is wrong to try and blend families.

again, you and i look to be in the minority, and i think we should all agree to disagree on this topic and move on. no one is going to sway anyone here to the other side. and that is ok, we are all entitled to live as we choose. no one is wrong in this case i do not feel. it is a personal choice. you are NOT a bad parent if you choose to remarry and blend families and you are NOT a bad parent or a better parent if you choose not to.

mlhb

I want to believe it can work. I also believe it takes alot of work. Those on this board are not the types to jump from one relationship to another. We are striving to learn and heal and become better people, and parents.

I wonder how people jump from one person to another and expose their children. Those on this board are at the opposite end of the spectrum.

I have a good friend who is now believing they can mesh their two families. Her X will throw up roadblocks as she wants to cross state lines (20 miles here). This is a couple I honestly believe can make it with a blended family. Their children have been exposed to one another and involved for over 18 months. I hear other stories where people are engaged, yet the children spend very little time together (even 3 years into the R), and I wonder if they are already setting up problems to a blended family.

For me, I believe it is difficult to have a blended family, and still home I'll find that NMNK, or DNK who will fit into our lives. I think others can make it. Isn't that why we are on the dating site, so we can learn?

and here I thought it was so I could get the scoop on AGG's love life...

I will speak here as a child of a blended family. I liked having step-siblings, but please believe me when I tell you that I HATED being a step-child. I just cannot stress this enough. There was no abuse. I simply hated this new, stupid person wedged into our family like a square peg in a round hole.

I also observed many friends who also had step-fathers. The summary of my observations is that introducing a “foreigner” into an established family culture rarely goes smoothly. Sometimes it’s bumpy, but the couple make the effort to make it work. Other times (and believe me, I have seen a lot of these), it’s horrible. And the horror doesn’t come to an end until either the second marriage dissolves, or the kids move out. And in the case of my MIL, I’d say the horror never ended – but that’s a different deal entirely.

For this reason, I had always resolved never to date a man with children. I did not want to relive the stress of living in a blended household as a step-parent. Fortunately for me, men with children were not really part of my social circle anyway. So I never found myself in a position of having to make the hard decision to stay or go based on the presence of children.

I think American Beauty has a good perspective:


In general, I think people hurry too much to get married. I have a distinct bias in favor of extremely long courtships where both parties prove they have the endurance to stay committed for life and not become complacent in their relationship. While my bias applies to parents and non-parents alike, I believe that parents have an added obligation to use a L O N G courtship period to integrate the new person into their family life and culture gradually.

I realize my views are somewhat reactionary. I don’t really expect to get a lot of amens on this. Just thought I’d speak up for the children (and then unload my own $.02!).

I think each case and each child is different. My ten year old continues to think it would be great if Mom got remarried. My seven year old is dead set against any change whatsoever. It takes her a long time to accept and adjust to any change whatsoever. While I would take my children into account, I would not make my decision based solely on them. Someone who hated my children would be out of the picture pretty darn quickly. I’ve been trying to avoid that situation by slowing incorporating M more and more into our daily life and routine. He’s getting an opportunity to see me parent, see the girls do their worst, and more.

I also make sure I don’t set the girls and M up for failure. I don’t expect them to love each other quickly. I have no idea what kind of relationship they might build. The girls get about the same amount of attention from me when M is around as they do when he’s not; M gets a lot less of my attention, but seems content; the dog does suffer though. I’m careful to build up slowly. I don’t demand any different behavior when M is around than when he’s not. Same rules, same consequences. Once or twice, I’ve left M with the girls while I ran to get pizza or something. The seven year old did pull some attitude. I sort of like that because she’s pulls attitude or throws a dramatic fit at least once a day.

So far, there’s been nothing that’s been a major red flag.

Oh, well, then you are in for a real yawner... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

AGG

I don't know... I've seen it both ways.

My aunt divorced and remarried a guy with full time kids. He used to punish more harshly (and physically) my male cousin. Actually, once my male cousin got in trouble because I called him by his biological last name, and it bothered stepdad to hear it. The kids had to deal with it because mom was happy.

My XGF B came from a blended family. She was 12 when they got together and 'stepdad' filled a very important void in her life her absentee father left.

At this point, for me, I don't feel an overwhelming need to be married. I would like to have that kind of relationship again, but not really interested in trying to force a round peg into a square hole.