No and unless it a really good reason I'm back to Plan B and even darker than before. This made a HUGE withdrawal form my LB$ just as I was trying to feel safe with her again.

Big setback for me, but this may make me even stronger and more determined. I really pissed right now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I'm sorry, HTW. I wish I knew what to say. She's either terrified, or she just doesn't understand the levity of her actions. If you can indeed channel that anger into deeper resolve, maybe that's the best you can do for now.

Still rooting for you.

--SC

Hello HTW
I just wanted to post a little message of support for you. Fog roles in and fog roles out.

There are so many things that can influence her change of attitude. You can at least bank on her being close to changing her mind. She may never, but the probability is much better than before this opening from her.

Hang in there.

I wish my WW was where yours is.

Take care.

DLK21

Your Plan B is working. Your decision to go to an even darker Plan B is a sound one. You should do something special for yourself on Saturday. Don't trap yourself by trying to figure out what is going on in her head. She made a positive step, and then pulled back. Typical for a WW. Go Dark.

(((HTW)))
I've been away awhile..just catching up.
BE STILL>>>stay in plan B for now....it is obviously working! If she is waking up from the fog she is disoriented. Not only does she have to face herself,she has to face your children, you and she has to face her demons. Those demons are not easy to look at...its easier to pretend they don't exist. Its easier to finds excuses not to look at them.

Be patient, be kind to yourself and to her when its time. Don't push for details right away. With your LB being low hearing her confirm what you already know may be more painful than you think. You need to create a safe harbor, be her light house and show her the way home. But you have to wait until she is ready.

OT: There have been big improvements on my end. FIL is facing a health crisis which has brought FWH & I closer. Even though we are in this crisis he is kinder, more gentle and is laughing more. It seems to have shaken him out of his MLC.

Thanks SC, I don't know why either, but maybe it was how strongly I stated my boundaries with her. I was absolutely clear that I would not entertain any discussions with her if she was still in contact with OM to which she assured me she wasn't. This may have caused the fog to roll back in for a while. Did you find it took you a while to fully de-fog before you became more committed to your M given that you still have issues with your H?

DLK, thanks and I hope you get to where you want to be soon. She has not completely come out of the fog but is showing signs which is hopeful.

Pat01, I will be going out Saturday and plan on enjoying myself. This phase is a dance and it may or may not work out, but I'm willing to learn the steps.

CC, so glad things are improving in your sitch since it wasn't long ago you were contemplating going back to Plam B (mimi was soo right!). You have been at this a long time and derseve to be cherished...it will happen and your husband will suprise you soon. Sorry about your FIL. I plan on BEING STILL and letting her work out what she needs to as I remain in the safety of Plan B. The lights are on and the door is open for her...all she needs to do now is walk in.

HTW,


It could be a million reasons. If it's as you suggested -- you firmly stating your boundaries -- well then, so be it. She needs to know that you're not going to be a doormat.



That's a complex quesion, HTW. But in a word, yes. It's much harder to let go of a fantasy when you have doubts/conderns/fears about the reality you'll be returning to. KWIM?

Hope you had a good holiday anyway. Hang in there HTW.

--SC

Hope it always comes about in God's timing and not our own. The only thing we can do is ba patient and wait. You were a very patient person and for whatever reason God is softening her heart at this time. Listen to the verse that says, be quick to listen, slow to answer and slow to anger. You need to definitely listen and proceed slowly.

I was just wondering if perhaps you had an update??? I'm curious as to whether or not you've talked to WW lately?>

Funny you ask CW.

Turns out my WW didn't invite me because she had an attempted break-in the day after inviting me and scheduled the repair for the Saturday. Don't know if I buy that explanation since I didn't get an explanation then and she has yet to re-schedule.

Also, I made a request for the kids passports and a notarized letter from my WW since I wanted to take the kids to Disney World on March break. This pissed her off since according to her I "never" did things with her during our M and only until I "got rid of her" did I start doing these things. I guess she forgot that she was the one who left the marriage.

Also, I'm not being "nice" to her and don't "greet" her as I should.

The best part...she asked if I would reconsider having the kids stay with her permanently while I visit them twice a week and every other weekend to give them more stability. My response to that request was..."I agree the kids need stabiltity. If/when their mother decides to work on the marraige they may get that".

So I'm doing well...can't say the same for her.

WOW!!!!!

How far you've come!! You're doing a great job?? She had no reply to that I'm guessing???

No reply as I'm sure her fogginess is not receptive to reverse babble. I also had to remind her that she left and I did not "get rid of her".

I remember Orchid once saying that RB works best duirng Plan B since your heart and mind are in sync. She was right! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

HTW

Attaboy !

Proud of ya mate.

Hope....it would probably help many here if you wrote about 1 year ago (6 months ago, etc.)...and where you're at today!

Remember us battling with you about exposure? How scared you were? How you never felt you could get where you're at today? Is everything perfect? No....but you now know you'll be OK....

Great job my friend.....I wish you nothing but best....

So I did say something right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Bottomline is to keep the WS off their feet. Keeps them unstable and less time for WS to harass the BS and family.

JMHO,
L.

..."I agree the kids need stabiltity. If/when their mother decides to work on the marraige they may get that"

It sounds a bit sarcastic to me. “ I know your not there, but if, if , if , ever, you would like to explore with me what it could take to restore love between us, just know that I’m open to that”.

You’r being rejected and you’r being hurt by the sikness that is her affaire. She is lost and not herself. If you beat her in a debate, you lose. If she beats you, you lose. The answer is to be caring, to not love bust back or stay away in plan B or to divorce.

My $.02.

Take care,

DLK21

Hi DLK,

Yes it was probably a little sarcastic and could have been worded in a nicer way, however it is how I feel. It has taken me a long time to get to where I am and I won't let my gaurd down to her right now.

I will not bend on my NC requirement with OM as a condition for any R talks. She feels that is holding it over head and I feel it is an absolute boundary for me. I'm willing to D if she can't ensure NC with OM as I will NEVER allow myself to feel like I did this time last year.

She will get everything I have if she meets my Plan B conditions...if she can't...she gets NOTHING. I'm not asking alot, just some conditions to make me feel safe.

HTW

By George, I think he's got it!!!

Hey HTW,
I know this is super hard, my ww is with the OM too and she is asking for D on top of it. Well. Just be careful is all I’m saying with you but with her also. Most, no, all of my family and friends want nothing more than to see me stand up for myself, D her and get on with my life. Well, they just don’t get the love bank thing and that we could work things out to have a super marriage with love and a relationship.

I’m just saying to be careful, the plan B is for your protection but only hope in a caring, joyful and loving relationship will guide her back to you. I think your boundaries are perfectly sane and respectable. Just be careful to express them with a caring and loving way even, and this is the hard part, in the face of utter disrespect for you. Remember she thinks in her delusion that she is doing the right thing. It is no good for her to be hurt and scared of you.

I spoke to Jennifer Chalmers and you should hear how pleasant she can be with a WW all the while holding the principals to a sane marriage. If you must break the silence of a plan B, I would think that being extra careful not to set you and your marriage back is in order.

Look HTW, this is extremely hard and hurtful for us BS, fighting, arguing, yelling, sarcasm is anger to a degree. Again, that is my opinion. I wish you the best. The holidays are at the door, take care, it is a hard period but the tipping point could be reached.

Regardless, you have my admiration,

DLK21

DLK, I would admit to having a fair amount of anger and resentment towards my WW for all that she has put me through. I was careful not to manifest this anger during Plan A and now that I'm in Plan B I have become stronger, more confident and independent. I have slowly returned to the person I was prior to meeting my WW and with the improvements from MB.

I find it helps me move forward by remembering how she treated me like a piece of furniture during my Plan A. Although I try to forget some of her hateful actions and words...they keep me grounded while in Plan B. My rose coloured glasses are gone which has revealed her truly indignant treatment of me during that time.

I will not go back to being "nice" to her while she wipes her feet on my back. Those days are done. That does not mean I do not love...I just choose to protect myself now. I'm in Plan B now and that means she gets NONE of her EN's me tby me. That is what is making her upset and that tells me my Plan B is working.

Her A stripped me of my self-respect, self-esteem and dignity and what remained was meek and pathetic. She knows that the door is open for her, however she still tries to justify her actions when she makes comments like "you got rid of me" to which I calmly reminder her that she left.

She was a wonderful wife...most of the time pre A, but that does not excuse her actions during her A. I have explicitly told her that I am willing to work as hard as I am able on our M if she meets my conditions. She needs to make the effort now to show me she is serious about reconciling. I will not be friends with her nor will I appease her when she gets upset or makes threats.

Remember she has already threatened me twice to seek custody of my kids if I continue to be un-cooperative with her. In the past I would have appeased her by giving in to her threats or demands...not anymore. She needs to understand that I will not cave in to her threats as I find them extremely disrepectful. I remember all of her threats during Plan A and how intimidated them made me feel at the time. I don't fear them anymore.