Update:

It has been 3 months since my last update. I didn’t update because things are basically the same at home. WW is no longer in contact with OP and has not talking about filing for DV lately; at least I think it is anyway. WW basically told me that I should not hold out hopes for us getting back together because she’s no longer in love with me and never will. She wants me to give her a DV but would not file because she knows that I would not make it easy for her. She said that she’s here for the kids and do the right thing but would not go counseling of any kind. In her book, coming home and being with me is taxing enough and that’s all she could give.

At this point I still in Plan A and not LB but I don’t know how long I could keep this up. She is just cake eating where I’m taking care of the house hold finances including big ticket items like taxes, heath insurance, my son’s tuition while she pays for her own expense including her car’s gas, toll & insurance, the kids everyday items (clothing, toys etc…) and most of the grocery bill. She thinks that’s fair because I make 3 times more than her part time job. I think I want to pressure her to pay half of the expenses if she wants to live like roommates; I know she won’t pay but at least I knock her off her cake eating fence but this is also LB. What do you think?

She is very angry and mean to me, told me not to ever do anything for her. I made breakfast, gave her a card and roses on her B-day; she told me never to do anything like that again because she does not appreciated it and don’t want me to get the wrong idea. Thanksgiving is coming and she told me to take our kids to my mom’s for the day and leave her alone so she could have a peaceful and quite day. She does not want to celebrate holiday or special occasions of any kind because of the emotional breakdown. I told her that I cook at home because I don't want to celebrate without my whole family together.

Appreciate any comments that you may have and have a happy holiday.

First of all, are you sure that there is NC with any OM? Have you eliminated the possibility of your WW being involved with another OM?

If you're absolutely sure that there's no-one else at this point, all I can say is that it seems your WW is "stuck". She likely declared to herself that your M was "over" in order to give herself permission to indulge in the A. Now that the A is over, and the M isn't, she can't bring herself to admit that her choices were so bad, so wrong.

I would suggest continuing the Plan A, but make sure that you don't interpret that as "Plan Appeasement". Set some personal boundaries and enforce them when she crosses them.

Concerning thanksgiving, if I was you, I certainly wouldn't even consider taking the children and leaving the home so she could have a "quiet and peaceful day". Let her know she can always excuse herself to one of the rooms if she doesn't want to take part.

I agree w/ MIM. Some recoveries take longer than other. I would just continue to be the best husband you can be, but at the same time keep a careful eye for other men. Maybe you can get some advice from the Harley's again. Keep up with plan A, but don't allow yourself to be a doormat. If you think she needs to keep up with her end of the finances, follow through. Don't let her treat you like garbage. Eventually the guilt might catch up with her, and she will start working on the marriage.

If your relationship comes up (and I wouldn't bring it up), I would say, "we're not getting a divorce, so don't you want to improve our relationship?"

Thanks MIM and Jim,

I’m pretty sure there is no contact with the OP but you can never be sure because I can’t track her 24/7 and she wouldn’t tell me what’s her schedule or talk to me. I’m 100% sure that there is no one else other than the OP in our life at this time.

MIM you said “If you're absolutely sure that there's no-one else at this point, all I can say is that it seems your WW is "stuck". She likely declared to herself that your M was "over" in order to give herself permission to indulge in the A. Now that the A is over, and the M isn't, she can't bring herself to admit that her choices were so bad, so wrong.”

You’re so right with this statement about stuck and declared our M dead, she wants to prove to the world that our marriage was over before OP; she also want to prove that the MB principles do not work because her situation is different than others.

The only boundary I have is that there is NC with the OP; don’t know what else I should impose if she wants nothing to do with me. She stills a good mother to our children and they are happy so that’s a blessing for me.

As for Thanksgiving, I’ll not go to mom’s without her and I know she wouldn’t go. I have a turkey sitting in our frig ready to go. If she wants to have something else than turkey, I would just go along with it. She already said that she doesn’t want turkey because it creates a mess and require big cleanup in the kitchen. I always have turkey for Thanksgiving so hopefully she’ll change her mind.

At this time, I’ll stay the course on Plan A and give ourselves more time and see what happen.

Have a great holiday and a good weekend.

Thanksgiving update:

We had turkey for Thanksgiving; thank god for that because I never go thru Thanksgiving without the big bird. WW asked me to cook the bird for Thanksgiving last Wednesday and she invited her dad. Thankfully I thaw the bird and it come out great. The day was mostly peaceful.

One of WW’s gf was taking her out to dinner last Saturday for her B-day so I took the opportunity and dropped off the kids to play with their cousins during the day and then I went there for dinner while WW went out. The kids had a ball since they haven’t seen their cousins and my family for a couple of months.

While the kids were playing with their cousins, I met up with WW at the gym and worked out. Even though we weren’t working out together; we were still doing the same thing together, progress I guess. After the gym, we went out to lunch; we had some small talk and things appear to be normal. After lunch, as we were driving to the supermarket to do some shopping, she had an emotional meltdown and told me why are you so happy, things aren’t normal between us even when you tried to act like everything is fine… I just ignore her and continue my journey.

Well, at least I had my turkey and my kids are happy. That’s what’s keeps me in this nasty mess.

Sounds like you are slowly breaking her down.

Update:

I was away for a while, just though I come here and vent. It’s sad to say that there was continue contacts until Christmas; they may not be seeing each other but she talked to the OP on the phone at work. The last time is right before Christmas and I was told by the OP that they have stopped since then. I was told of the same too times, so I don’t believe it until proven with time.

Since Christmas, things were clam around the house. We were busy with the kids, holidays, gifts and family stuff. Things were looking up and N/C seems to be holding up. She was very cold to me but we were getting along. Last week, things started to unraveled, she started to be angrier everyday. This past weekend, she told me that she hates her life, hates me and know that she will never love me again. She wants to prove to me that the MB way is wrong and will not work. I got sucks into arguing and LB. Last night, she started a fight in front of the kids and telling them that we are not going to together too much longer and will split up so we don't have to fight anymore. It seems she’s getting the kids ready for DV and may file soon.

I’m just depressed; I don’t know what to do anymore. I know I should just stay away but got suck in anyway. I just tried of Plan A, doing all the work and taking her sh*t . Help.

bump,

Mike, don't know your story, just read your last post.

She could be going through withdrawal...OR...she could be back in C.

As I look back on our false recovery, I can see pretty clearly the times that contact was renewed. FWH turned into the poster boy for A**hole Husbands (sorry MFsFWH, I know you read here...but it's true and I feel ok saying that because even you refer to that time period as "the year that I was an a**hole". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> )

Anyways...I think you should try to verify whether or not NC is in place and expose if you have not done that. You might need to re-expose, however.

And then prepare yourself for Plan B, either way. You are going to lose your love for her if you keep this up.

My $.02 worth.

mike,

Your problem is that contact was allowed to continue. If I were you, I would plan A for the next six months and re-evaluate where you are as long as there is NC. If she is truly in NC, then things may change in a few months. If NC is broken again, I would pack her bags and tell her not to let the door hit her in the @ss and go to plan B/D. The problem in your situation has been the continued contact. Don't allow it. You'll never get to recovery as long as there is contact.

6 MONTHS?!?!?!

No way, I disagree. 6 months is WAYYYYY too long.

I Plan A'ed for 10 months only because I didn't KNOW that I was dealing with an on-going affair and I almost lost my mind, for real. And our recovery is proving that.

If you have already done a good Plan A for a solid amount of time (say, 3 months), it's time for Plan B. Dr. Harley says Plan A alone only works 15% of the time, I believe.

While this is not explicitly explained or really even talked about on MB, I believe a good part of Plan B is the SHOCK the WS feels when suddenly his/her needs are not being met by the BS.

Then the OP must meet those needs all by him/herself and that is IMPOSSIBLE once the "real world" collides with their sick little "fantasy world".

Not only that but that WS becomes AFRAID that they may be stuck with the OP for good, and that is NOT a good option most times. That is rather SCARY to the WS more often than not.

In my case, FWH never was interested in "weighing" both options and that was CLEAR to everyone (except OW)...;) ) from the moment exposure happened. HOWEVER, OW would NEVER have had the opportunity to meet all of his most important ENs because she just doesn't know him like I do, and he was never as honest with her as he has been with me. This is VERY common in affairs.


That being said...Plan B sounds like it may be your best option if you have done an good Plan A and you cannot verify whether or not NC is in place.

Again, my $.02 worth.

I said only if there is NC. If NC is finally established he should take advantage of it. If she contacts OM, it should be straight to plan B.