silent

Good for you.

Weird how so many of us are enablers. Maybe do a poll. LOL. How many BS's are enablers.

Now you are moving forwad because you won't enable his behavior. Good for you.

I now realize a bad M is nothing to try to save. I wish I would have come to this realization long ago.

Hi, silent its me MF I had to change my name I think WH found this site and me. so I stopped posting. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I've seen you on other stiches posting, but i was wondering how are you doing? How is your son doing?

It's been almost a month of Plan B. is he still behaving?

I'm going to post later I have some questions for my MB'ers friends. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

hey there goingwiththeflow (formerly marflow),

I was wondering where you went.

Thanks for looking in on me. I have my good days and bad days, good for the most part. I've been busying myself with things around the house, especially on the weekends that WH gets my DS.

DS is doing quite well. He also slips here and there, but a firm reminder is about all he needs. He is one of the sweetest boys in the universe. Always telling me he loves me (I think, unfortunatley, maybe out of concern that he is not loved). I always tell him I love him, give him great big hugs and kisses. We do talk about his daddy somewhat. DS will say something and then somehow segway into 'but, daddy doesn't live with us anymore' or 'daddy doesn't want to live with you' (which I actually find funny). I'm just working on reassuring him that he is loved.

One month of Plan B has helped emmensely. I still do think about WH and miss my H, sometimes feel sad for the loss and still mourn here and there, but I'm no longer making bargains in my mind for him to come home. It won't work, and I know it. I wouldn't say that I hope for M to work out, however, I still WISH it could. I'm meeting with my lawyer to settle on suggested changes to our LSA, so, hopefully, that will be settled on in the next month.

I'm still very much DARK. Haven't SEEN WH and only sent one TM regarding a phone call he received, did not respond just sent him info. All other correspondence was through intermediary, and it regarded scheduling holidays with DS. I believe OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND. Good thing is, I'm no longer OUT OF MY MIND!!

Let us know how things are with you, okay? Look forward to hearing from you again to see how you are holding up. Thanks again for checking up on me.

So, an old friend of my WH, J, called last night to speak to WH. I didn't recognize his voice, so I told him WH no longer lives here anymore. He said, "What?" I repeated that WH doesn't live here anymore, phone was quiet for one moment, and then J said "I'm so sorry to hear that, is this C?" Yup, that's me, I said. Then of course he asked what happened and I went into the story of WH's affair, him moving out, him getting dumped by OW, moving back in, ignoring me for 10mos, then moving back out, then trying to start something up again, them me cutting all communication with him.

I have known since it happened that J is a WH; that he had an affair a few years back and that it devastated his M. He and wife are getting divorced; it's not messy, but he is disappointed that he could not get back into his wife's good graces. She could not forgive him. I told him, well, can you blame her. He said absolutely not. He only gets to see his kids for hours at a time, and regrets the A. He says it was a temporary lapse in reason, and when he got what he wanted, he realized it wasn't what he wanted at all. He said he will never have that once in a lifetime relationship that he had with soon to be xw.

He also mentioned that he wishes that he had some insight into how to keep families together, or better yet, how to keep spouses from making the stupid mistake of straying before reaching out to their spouses. He wishes there was some 'magic' pill that he could market, so that you could take it, and the fog would disappear and you would be able to better ferret out what the REAL problem was. I told him that a swift kick in the pants from his so-called friends may have helped. He agreed. He told me that he never went a day not thinking about his kids or his wife, and wished things could be different. He also said that my WH may not be able to come back because he feels the damage he has done was enough pain to cause me, and he may believe that coming back is only causing me more pain, so he's trying to protect me from that (however insane the thought process is, it does make sense).

There were many more things discussed, and his remorse for his decisions was palpable. It was an interesting insight into a WH's mind.

I told him that trust is something WH never tried to earn, he never tried to forgive me or himself. J was amazed that we weren't speaking AT ALL, and I told him that I needed to be able to heal, so I instituted this for myself. I told him that I am doing well, and that DS is great!!

I thought that I would feel much more sadness at the end of the conversation; I actually felt reassured that WH is concerned for his son. Concern for me is not something I think about anymore; I let that pipe dream go this month. I'm just surprised how open J was. I figured he would be tight lipped about his problems. Hm, interesting...

Glad that you got some insight.

Could this J guy maybe call your WH? Since he's been there, done that, and getting the T-shirts for divorce, limited visitation, and child support, he might be just the person to act as a foghorn. Just a thought.

I gave him WH's cell number ( as J forgot it for the umpteenth time, ha!), and J sounded concerned. He was really amazed that WH and I are going through this. He believed, as many others have said in my life, that we were going to be that lasting couple. I told him that I don't believe ANYONE is immune from this. J had to agree, as many of his friends have suffered from the devastation of an A.

I did not tell J to talk to WH on the subject, but I did say that I wished he had been around when all of this was happening. I didn't think to call J, myself. I must say, I secretly hope that they do speak on the subject, but seriously hold out no hope for WH to consider coming home from it. Who knows!? Since I'm in Plan B, I certainly will have no idea if they speak unless J calls me again, which is unlikely.

Silent,

Just checking in. Not much to say except it is nice to see a FWS who actually seems to get it.

Maybe let him know about this site and let his BS know as well.

Sometimes things happen for a reason. Maybe J getting in touch with you wasn't supposed to help you and your H but maybe him and his BS.

Just a thought. Or maybe both can happen.

Maybe his BS hasn't forgiven him because they don't have the right tools.

Hey Frog,

Maybe his BS hasn't forgiven him because they don't have the right tools.

I thought about discussing this site with J, but his cell phone began to give out. J did mention that he left his GF to attempt to work on his M, and after a month, realized that W would not forgive him. I told him that one month was really not that long, he said W wanted it that way. We'll see.

I was just interested in the fact that J, as a WH, really did express remorse over his decision to have an A, then not do the work to recover. As I said above, he has missed out on a once-in-a-lifetime M.

As for me, same [censored], different day (SSDD), as the Plan B goes!

Silent,

A FWS actually talking about remorse.

A BS who thinks they will never forgive. Maybe just maybe if he asked his BS to come here. And he came here and they talked to the Harleys or an MC.

I think just like anything else realizing there is a problem is the first step.

SSDD for me too. LOL. Actually I have come to a new perspective in my M for the time being.

But the sanity is starting to return.

Ahhhh, sanity. Aint it great!

HI, just wondering how you are doing today?

Sanity...I know where that lives...on Park ave...my house! LMAO Occasionally, it's on Morris St...my work.LMAO

Well, I hope that you're having a wonderful day! Take care! I look forward to hearing from you!

Hey Rin, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It sounds like things are slowly changing for you and H, for the better. It's always nice to hear about a couple that is REALLY putting forth the effort to TRY and recover thier M.

Things on my end are good; still no contact with WH. DARK as can be here. I come here almost daily to see how others are fairing and put in my $.02 now and then. It can be therapeutic to tell others how I'm doing my Plan B, and maybe help someone along the way. Mostly, I take life day by day.

Had potluck at work today. I brought Chili, and it is GONE! Yum. My DS is home with a bit of a cold with his granddad, lucky kid. It's beautiful here today, ~70 degrees F, sunny as all get out! Lovely.

today is a good day <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WOW, Chile...beautiful weather...a great mood...sounds awesome.

Congrads on the chile...my DH made me one and it was gone too! I'm always excited when he cooks for me...LOL...which is rare!

You're doing a great job by sharing your experience with us all! I know that I appreciate it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Keep up the great work! You deserve SOOO much! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I've been able to see things much more clearly now. I've thought a lot on Plan B and wished that I had done this last year, when we intially separated, as I think that I had a better chance of saving my M at the time. Now, I have come to realize that my Plan B is truly, most definitely for me, to heal and move on. I only feel a tiny thread connecting me and WH, and I feel that it will fray soon enough.

It's a strange feeling, that thread. I don't know if you've ever had stitches before, but it's that feeling when they remove them, that sliding against the healed skin feeling. It's not painful, but it tugs on you a tiny bit. I feel that now and then, when a thought of the future pops into my head, or I think of the next thing on my list of things to do with the house. It is freeing and also saddening at the same time. I wish that I could hold on to that thread forever, but I KNOW that I cannot. That is the last 'thread' of hope for my M, and I have no faith in it to guide WH home. His life is on another path that I cannot follow.

I'm okay, otherwise; like I said before, my life is full of good days and bad moments; it's turning around.

On a side note, I went to see lawyer about requested changes to my LSA from WH's lawyer. I decided to allow him to call the money he is giving me alimony. WH also requested that we not change our deductions for the year and file taxes jointly. I requested that he can call the money he give me alimony, and he can claim that deduction, but that I will be filing married filing separately and Head of Household. WH earned a good deal of untaxed income, that he did not truly share with the family, and I do not feel that I should have to take the penalty for that, as I am sure he did not save any of his earnings to cover the tax against it. We ironed our holiday visitation for the next years as well as regular visitation.

That being said, I'm on a little emotional rollercoaster today. I heard some good music on my way to work though. One of my favorite songs that I have taken to singing to my son during this whole fiasco is 'Three little birds' by Bob Marley. Lyrics follow...It lifts me up!


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Silent,

I love that song. Have the CD and both of my boys know it by heart.

Dang good song. I like to play "No Woman No Cry" on that CD as well. LOL.

I am glad you are doing as well as can be expected. Now I am going to go get that CD out of the car. LOL.

I agree on the tax thing make him start living up to the consequences of his actions.

You sound much more lucid since plan B started.

SL:

Just got done reading your thread.

Sorry that your WH doesn't get "it" And I am not talking about Ebay.

Yes, it was a beautiful day yesterday, Hon! Not to bad today either!

As for your DS, My W said that age 4 was the best time she ever had with son.

Our DS had a speech issue and hardly talked until he was about 3.5 years old. The speech therapist let him know that it was ok if he didn't say it correctly. Then it opened the torrent. Great Kid, Would have missed him terribly if I had D'ed.

But at 4, they can really start exporing and having real conversations with you. It seems that if they had a ready food supply, they are ready to get along in life. So really try to enjoy this age with your son.

But as an aside: Alimony and tax return filing.

1) If your WH is self-employed, do not file a joint return. IRS can find you and will assess his taxes against you if he doesn't pay. Which he won't.

2) If he is paying you "Something" that he wants to call "alimony" then get him to sign the LSA, NOW. "Alimony" is deductible by him, and Taxable Income to you. Understand? Child support does not show up on the return.

3) No LSA, no treatment of payments as "Alimony" So, when you file your seperate returns, then WH may deduct "alimony" that you do not pick up as income because you do not have an LSA. Guess who gets to fight with IRS about underreported income? You Do, Not Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky.

4) If you really want to stick him, tell your Attorney that the payments will be "Child Support" It actually will work out better tax-wise for you that way.

Trust me.

So Bob Marley leaves the head and the Beatles "Taxman" comes in to play...

You are doing great. It may have been temp insanity at one time, but it wasn't you that was insane.

Frog, Lousygolfer,

Hey der Hon's!! Thanks for the replies. Ah, it does feel good to be free of the Tax burden! Hah!

Frog,
Yeah, I love me some Marley; I recently saw some of his family in concert when I went to the last U2 Vertigo show. I love to get my groove on, and it was a great opportunity! I saw Ziggy way back when I went to see INXS in the mid - 80's! Fantastic show also! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



Bwaaaaahahahaha!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> [email]D@mn[/email] straight! I love the Beatles too!! Beautiful music!! Funny, my WH used to play the 'Birthday' song for me every year. I also like 'When I'm sixty-four', as well as many many others...

Now, aside from music, if there is one thing that I have always been good with, it's money! WH, on the other hand, meh, not so great, but we'll see. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Lousygolfer,

I spoke to my lawyer this morning, and she said the same things about the taxes. Either way he can claim "Alimony" so I am prepared for that, but he also was asking for us to file taxes jointly, which is bullpucky! No way! I'm filing married filing separately and head of household. I will claim the extra 'alimony' income, as he will not allow it to be called 'child support', and I will claim the mortgage interest. He will claim the payouts as alimony payments, but I will not take the burden of WH's untaxed income. What a nutjob! That way, I am covered either way, and the only [censored] being chased will be his! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

This is not about 'sticking' it to him either, with his brilliant choices so far, he's pretty much sticking it to himself. This, for me, is not about revenge, it's really about what is right for me! I'm not really considering anything but money between me and him, and how this will affect my lifestyle. It's a shame really, we used to have such a fun life together; friends and family around all of the time, good talking relationship, great friends and good lovers (although that did take a hit with the DS). What a waste! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Oh yeah, Lousygolfer,

I do so loooooove this age with DS. I'm really a studyer of human nature, and I've thouroughly enjoyed watching him respond to his surroundings as he grows. Also, we do have conversations, it's great! And he tells me how nice I look or my hair looks, or how sweet I am, or how angry he is, etc. AND, he has the greatest laugh, and the most wicked smile. He's pretty big for a four year old too, he wears size boys 6-7; strapping, I think, is what they used to say in the olden days! It's a much more relaxed environment now, so we are able to better enjoy our life together. I miss him when he is with WH for his weekends, but it gives me time to get stuff done around the house and get out with friends, so it's not wasted time on either end. This may be the best solution for me, really.

I really never felt as crazy-out-of-emotional-control as I did this past year. It's nice to not only be strong, but feel strong! I've always done well on my own, making decisions, dealing with life, and now I've got a great partner in crime with DS. I look forward to every day...

Oh, yeah, one more tidbit about the child support.

In my county, there is a worksheet to calculate child support, so no matter what, WH can claim any money above and beyond that as 'alimony'. Do you think this is my best move? I really look at it as the best option, for now. I'm not an accountant, but it does look to be the best thing for me. I plan on looking at last years taxes and doing a 'mock' taxes, including the alimony income and using the new filing status to see how I fare for now. Any more input would be GREATLY appreciated!

SL:

Yes, do the tax plan.

Depending on your income alot more credits and deductions come into play if there is no "alimony". Please be sure to take them into account. And the filing status will be Head of Household. He gets to file "Married Filing Seperate"

Remember that he then has to pay it. Lots of promises now... And no one, I mean no one, will ever pay more than they are required. If the worksheet says pay $100, you will never get a check for $125. I recommend "Child Support" now more than "alimony" because he feels more pain now, and sooner. Sort of adds to the Plan B. But later, when an actual D is in play, then go for more "alimony" This isn't revenge, its just adding a little more pressure.

And that 4 year old I talked about is now taller than me at 14. He's almost six foot tall. He's amazing!