From one week to the next, things change. I feel a bit roller-coastery, even without the WH. Emotional from morning til night. Think about what I have the potential to lose here, and I'm saddened. Think about the gains that I have made by finding MB's and reinserting self esteem and I'm grateful. Happy about myself, sad about my circumstances. I look forward to the holidays, and the happiness that surrounds me. My friends and family have been great and will continue to be so. I consider myself lucky to have such great friends, and to have found MB's and it's great and diversive peeps.

Silent- I know what you mean about the roller coaster even without having to deal with WH.

I wish I was looking forward to the holidays but I'm not. Normally we spend Thanksgiving with his family so this year I will be alone. ( My family don't live around here.)

My boys keep asking about christmas and how that will work don't even what to think about it.

Hey Marflow,

Well, because we are setting up the LSA, holidays have been 'mapped' out for the next 100 or so years. It's very sterile, setting up these agreements; like WE never existed, just the son and house between us. My spirits are down this week, and I can feel it happening. It's a tough place to be right now. Hoping for the best, still thinking that our M can be saved, if WH would just let the fog roll out a teensy bit...the whole thought process is very disappointing, and I feel like giving up on him.

Christmas for me will be Christmas eve, and day with son, then Christmas night and the next day (WH's birthday) with his father. I would suggest just setting the schedule and sending it to WH. If you want Christmas with your kids, and he has Thanksgiving, it's only fair. And, really, I have to ask myself, why do I bother with fairness. Ask for what you want, without thinking of the effects on WH!

I'm still doing well, still sleeping and eating pretty well. Still laughing and meaning it, but the smiles tend to be fewer right now. Getting off of the couch has helped, but only slightly. I think I'm grieving, as the anger and sadness alternate a bit, but I'm very self-aware now, and am able to better pick up on these fluctuations. I know that I need to focus on day to day, and when I do, it helps.

"And, really, I have to ask myself, why do I bother with fairness. Ask for what you want, without thinking of the effects on WH!"

This is what I did for Thanksgiving. I wanted Christmas so I told him he gets Thanksgiving. Not just the day but the whole weekend. I'm leaving town Friday to have some much needed fun.

Has your WH tried to contact you or talk to you when he picks up your son?

I think the whole grieving thing must be where we are in plan b. I feel like i'm grieving to it's not like before when I would be sad it's much deeper.

My friend told me the other day that she thought I should have grieved like this when I first found out, I told her when I first found out I still had hope I don't anymore. Does that make since?

NOPE! This is one reason that I am really beginning to think that there is no hope. WH has shown no signs there. I've been thinking about the things that I have done to send our marriage down this path over the last year. I wish I could truly say that I feel like I did all that I could, I still see some cracks and places where I could have been more supportive, as I've seen others do here on this board. My heart just couldn't take it anymore.



Yes, the stages of grief are ever-present. No more bargaining for me; bouts of anger, depression is definitely a key player. I still cannot ACCEPT this, so I have a ways to go.



When you first found out, you were in a state of shock; this bewilderment can last a while. Then you become numb, or at least I did. You cannot truly grieve until what you lose is GONE. WH is now GONE, hence the grieving. Hope does play a role here, also. It's difficult to grieve something that still exists, there is no finality to it. I grieved my mother's death, which is VERY final. I'm grieving the death of a R, but the person that was in it with me still exists. Does that make since to you?

Silent,

Sorry you are going through this. I have posted it before on another thread about the TEAR process after grief.

http://www.counselingforloss.com/article8.htm

here it is.

It helps you start working after the grief process is done.

If it ever is. Sorry not a lot of help

Saw you posted wanted to say hi. Not a lot of sleep last night.

Thanks Frog,

You are a great help, and I am grateful for you stopping by to check up on me. Sorry for your lack of sleep; that can be rough. Is this something that is ongoing, or just confined to one evening? Hopefully, the lack of sleep is only situational and will be relieved soon.

I'm flip flopping a bit (through the stages of grief), and have found that work is exacerbating my stress. It's a great job, but it's non-stop. I'm looking forward to the long Thanksgiving weekend!

I'll read up on your link, thanks again...

((((SILENT))))

Thanks Mimi

I know that all will be okay, no matter what happens, but this limbo-land can be a bit treacherous...

It's very difficult to convey my thoughts and feelings in this time, but I will continue to update and listen to the SOUND advice I've been offered here. Plan B is better than the alternative--doormat alley. I think it is much easier to respect myself and to be respected.

"I grieved my mother's death, which is VERY final. I'm grieving the death of a R, but the person that was in it with me still exists. Does that make since to you?"

Yes this makes alot of since. I lost my best friend 1 1/2 yrs. ago she was like a sister to me.

And because they still exist its harder to process. When someone dies people ask how you are doing for a couple of months. Then hey stop but aleast once a week I am asked about WH by people that know whats going on. I know they care and that is why they ask but sometimes I just what to loss it.

"NOPE! This is one reason that I am really beginning to think that there is no hope."

Thats why I don't think there is hope either when I first gave him the letter he would make arrangements to see the boys when he knew I would be home now he dosen't even see them. It's sad.

Well, my WH seems to be doing well with visitation. He sees DS one evening a week and every other weekend. I set the schedule and he agreed to it. Now, it's a well oiled machine. That really bites that your WH is not spending time with his children! How are they holding up? Do they talk about Dad?

I really don't know who I am dealing with anymore. I find myself wondering what new woman he is with, and it still hurts. Why do I do this? Why can't I let go of him? I ask myself to let go, and I work on detaching, but how do you not feel the pain of WH casting off his M? Makes me feel as if he may believe that our M, and I am insignificant. My reality is, that if this is his truth, then I need to work toward moving on. I don't know where he is with our M, or his truth. The darkness that I exist in has cut me off from knowing anything about WH anymore. The fear of losing HIM has cropped back up again, and I'm facing it for the last time, me thinks. I really wanted our M to work.

I think what I'm feeling is natural. I want to talk to WH, I want to see him, to SHOW him that our M could be healthy, fulfilling and happy. I find myself thinking, when I'm forwarding funny jokes or stories in email to my friends, that I might include him in the To: list by 'accident', to see his reaction. Then I realize that he would have acted in some way if he wanted to talk to me. It's very pathetic. The truth is, whenever I've tried this in the past, we get stuck in this circular pattern. He comes, we start to move closer to M again, then he goes away or starts to attach to another woman/EA. I feel rejected and tell him to go away. This time, I know Plan B is for the best. I have given myself limit of how long I can be in limbo, and then I will re-evaluate at that time. I will NEVER break Plan B, but I will resolve myself to the loss.

SL,
try thinking of it as your "new normal" and work on embracing your own individuality. when I was in Plan B, I worked hard on moving from "we" thinking to "I" thinking. I had to give up that fear of losing him. meanwhile, I was gaining myself. you can do that too! I have faith in you!
hugs,
cgw

Thanks cgw,

I'm working toward not even concerning myself with WH, or whether we will be together again. That's probably the biggest hurdle I'm currently facing, otherwise, I have started to turn more toward an 'I' way of thinking. Thanks for the faith, I needed that right now.

Silent,

It is all well and good to talk about detachment.

Last night at MC I brought up the fact I was detached.

He said great but it is just a defense mechanism. Doesn't protect you from everything. It helps of course but things will still hurt you.

I look at these types of sitch's and of course it is harder for you.

You feel replaced. You feel less valued.

But it is not about you at all. It is about him.

M is hard, it is work. He doesn't want that evidently right now.

Worrying about his life will not do you any good.

Focus on you and your life. I know it is hard to not think about him.

He is/was and always will be a huge factor in your life. He is the father of your child. He was your H. There is nothing wrong with thinking about the good and the bad. It is part of your past experience.

It makes you who you are.

Three years ago my life was turned upside down. I had to pick myself up and start putting things right side up again. What I realized is there was a lot of garbage I didn't need. I turned the stuff I wanted to keep right side up. Started throwing away the garbage and replacing it with better stuff.

Today I am a better person. Today you are a better person. One day you will have a much better relationship, in which you are loved, adored and appreciated. Maybe with your FWH or maybe not. But the days of accpeting less then you are worth are over and you are better for that.

Hi, I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you. I haven't had too much time to post. Sorry!

"I'm working toward not even concerning myself with WH, or whether we will be together again."

THIS, MY DEAR, is the KEY! It's getting there that the tough part...LMAO...but YOU know that!

YOU will be great, I feel it! YOU deserve SOOO much more! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Frog,
I'm working on taking out the trash.

I TRULY understand that NOW, this separation and possible divorce has nothing to do with me, but the fallout still affects me. Acceptance is the next step, then on to TEAR. I'm a bit stuck, and the words of wisdom here are helping me to examine my thoughts, and projections that I may make about what WH MAY be thinking. I guess it's still the W in me wanting my H to SEE me again, to reach for me in his time of need. If I'm in a state of disbelief, I can imagine that WH has his own set of disbelief when he wavers out of the fog; I've heard him mention it in the past.

Letting go is really hard work, but I would like everyone to know that I am not dwelling, I'm processing; it's just taking some time to look deep inside myself.

Silent,

I think letting go is the problem.

Nobody really can. IMVHO. We can just realize that our lives are like books. That chapter is over. We now have the opportunity to continue writing the book on our lives.

Without the previous chapters to reference what we write now might not make sense.

So you may never be able to let go but just know that chapter is over. On to a new chapter. You can decide on what to write. It is up to you. So after processing it and taking some time decide what you want and start going for it.

I talk to my mom a lot. She and my father were divorced. She told me my dad will always hold a place in her heart. He is the father of her children and it wasn't always bad. But she had to move on. Not let go but move on.

Don't know if it makes sense.

Hmmm, another chapter sounds like what I've been trying to achieve. I have 'turned the page', but I'm still referencing my past as a foundation.

I'm rebuilding, and I know that takes time. Also, living in the HOME that we created together may be causing a bit of depression; many things to look at and many GOOD memories. The memories are NOT the problem, it's not making new ones with DS and WH together that's getting me right now. I know that I still have wonderful times ahead, and I will get there, just need to process this all, and KNOW that I'm ready to move on. I know that I am not, but I realize that I cannot stay in this place forever. Luckily, time marches on...

Rinder,

Thanks so much for checking in. I know that I deserve much more than this, and I look forward to that, whomever I am with. I have real boundaries now, and can enforce them from the start. I have had some good growth over this last year, and feel much stronger; this is temporary, but I must go through it, like everyone else, right?
I've been keeping up with you, and see that you and DH are making inroads to communicating in a better way; I also see the troubles that your son is having with school, and realize that this must be very difficult to deal with all at the same time. You sound like you have a good plan in place for discipline, and I wish you all of the best.

Thank you so much! Yeap, I believe that YOU are on the right road.

Well...it was hard last week becuase DH and I were played against the middle but we realized it really quickly and decided that we are not going to let that happen again.

I can say that whenever DH and I were having trouble with something we always managed to stick together to get through it! LOL...maybe we "stuck" to well together! LMAO hence, enmeshment, codependence...LOL

Did you check out the links? There's a four year old chore list with brush your teeth, stuff like that...

http://www.easychild.com/Charts/age4.pdf

Was just thinking of you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Have a great day and WEEKEND!

"WH is not spending time with his children! How are they holding up? Do they talk about Dad?"

I can't understand how a parent that has been there for everything can just turn his back on his boys. Thats the part that really kills me.

They are holding up ok, YS has times when he cries or holds on to me extra hard when I give him hugs.

OS thinks his the man of the house and tends to get a little bossy we are working thru that.

They talk about him from time to time they both told me that they plan to talk to him over Thanksgiving weekend whenthey will be together. I told them to be as honest with him about how they feel as they are with me.

"I find myself wondering what new woman he is with, and it still hurts. Why do I do this? Why can't I let go of him?"

I think you do this because you still love your H and what the two of you had. Problem is WH has taking over and doesn't what to remember/see how good it was. JMVHO