Looks like you got some good responses to your tax question. It would be nice for that to finally work out!

6 hours a month .... That just breaks my heart. More than anything else, I can't understand why W's flake out on their kids. All the excuses and rationalizations in the world about a bad marriage just don't give you the room to do that to your kids. How do your kids feel about him flaking on them like that? Have you brought them up to speed on what is really going on? I know you were hesitant to do that before, but it might be time to think about it.

I agree ... if MM's sitch can be recovered .... then there's nothing that can't be. I have hope for you, still!

Keep on hanging in there. You really sound good! I have to tell you that I'm really impressed with how well you're hanging in there. I hope you're enjoying some peace.


As far as my sitch, things are going very slowly, but are getting a little better and better. I moved my main thread over to recovery because there are so many people on this board who need intense, immediate advice from the experts that I felt guilty when my thread got bumped up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

-AmI.

AmI,

How do your kids feel about him flaking on them like that? Have you brought them up to speed on what is really going on? I know you were hesitant to do that before, but it might be time to think about it.

The kids are kind of used to it now. At mediation, she asked them if they see their dad very much and they told her NO. She then asked if they would like to see him more and they of course said YES. She then told them to tell me "Not to hurt your feelings, but we want to see dad more." When I heard this, I cleared it up a little for them. I told them that dad calls when he has time to take them and that I always say yes. I wanted them to know that I am not keeping them from him ever. I wanted them to know it was his choice when he wanted to see them.

I have not told the kids what is actually going on. I may consider doing that still, but I really wanted it to come from him, so that I am not the bad guy telling them and so that they would believe it's true. But WH definitely doesn't want them to know.

However, it has been at least 7 months since they started the PA and who knows how long the EA was before that. He seems to be pushing forward. A friend of mine just told me that he asked one of his co-workers if he should bring her to their staff Christmas party. The co-worker told him flat out NO! Who in any right state of mind would ask that? It is a christian based company. He only has kept his job because they are thinking of me and my kids. I also heard this week that in the past he has said something to the fact of "well I guess it's time to start moving from job to job."

I am really struggling now in plan B. I heard the party info the other night and it has been eating at me ever since. Now I know why you are not supposed to entertain any thoughts of them! It just stirred everything back up to the surface again. I feel like once I get through the Jan 24th court date that I will be better equipped to move forward. I am very angry at WH right now because he has not given me any support financially for the last 2 weeks. I cannot live on my salary alone. It just infuriates me that he has basically no bills and is keeping all that money to "play" with. I on the other hand am deciding which bills to put off so that I can buy graceries!

As far as my sitch, things are going very slowly, but are getting a little better and better. I moved my main thread over to recovery because there are so many people on this board who need intense, immediate advice from the experts that I felt guilty when my thread got bumped up.

I am glad to know where to keep up now. I am glad that things are still moving in the right direction. It's hard though, right?

I started a new medication last week that was supposed to help me sleep...it hasn't worked! It makes me shake, not sleep, and dropped my blood pressure to 98/64. It is normally 120/70. So, I think I will have to try something else. But the other med is really helping me feel more normal now. I laugh much more often now, and it is not a "fake/forced" laugh. It is getting back to the belly laughter! I am so glad to feel happy more now.

Thanks for keeping in touch with me...there are so many here that just need so much and I appreciate your continued support and contact.

IHC

"She then told them to tell me "Not to hurt your feelings, but we want to see dad more.""

Oh no! I can't believe that she told them to say that!! How horrible for her to make it appear like it's your decision. That breaks my heart for your poor kids!

My kids went through something similar with their bio-mom ... she wouldn't bother with them, but her mom told them to tell us that they wanted to see her more often. They thought for a long time that we were keeping them from seeing her. It was awful for them, and then even harder when they started figuring out that SHE was the one keeping them away.

I think that mediator told them to tell the WRONG PARENT that they want more time with their dad. She should have told them to tell DAD that!


"I heard the party info the other night and it has been eating at me ever since. Now I know why you are not supposed to entertain any thoughts of them! It just stirred everything back up to the surface again."

Yeah, I can only imagine this part, since my Plan B was pretty much worthless. I think you have to start telling people somethng like "I really appreciate your support, and there's a part of me that wants to hear the gossip on WH, but, really, it only ends up hurting me even more. So please don't tell me about things like this. I'd love to talk about anything else but him."

"..."well I guess it's time to start moving from job to job."
...
he has not given me any support financially for the last 2 weeks."

I hope your lawyer rips him up for this on the 24th. Maybe she can even send a letter through his lawyer -- I'm sure his lawyer would advise him that it will NOT look good!
I just don't get why W's thing they shouldn't have to take care of their kids!!

I'm worried about the job-hopping comment. The Bio in our case does that, and has admitted that it's specifically to get out of paying her CS. As soon as CSE finds her and gets the paycheck withdrawls setup, shes gone to the next job. Would it be like him to do the same thing to you? I'm sure the OW won't put up with that unstable income for long, (she will probably be pretty irritated by how much he gets ordered to PAY you once that comes down!) but is he spiteful enough to do it just to avoid supporting the kids?


I just want to come shake him for you and tell him what he COULD have, instead of a miserable, broke, guilt-ridden, job-hopping life. Amazing that he'll settle for that just to get his next crack fix. YUCK!


"I laugh much more often now, and it is not a "fake/forced" laugh. It is getting back to the belly laughter! I am so glad to feel happy more now."

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> This is great, loved reading this!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there. God promised you restoration .... and He is faithful!


-AmI.

AmI,

I think that mediator told them to tell the WRONG PARENT that they want more time with their dad. She should have told them to tell DAD that!

That is why I felt like I needed to tell them that he is the one who chooses when to see them.

I'm worried about the job-hopping comment.
Would it be like him to do the same thing to you? I'm sure the OW won't put up with that unstable income for long, (she will probably be pretty irritated by how much he gets ordered to PAY you once that comes down!) but is he spiteful enough to do it just to avoid supporting the kids?

I am too. He's changed so much since he left that I don't know if he was just mouthing off because the guy was telling him they would take his money, tax returns, etc. Before I would have said no, he would never do that...but I don't know this guy...anything is possible from him. If he does do this, I will go back to court to try and get the duplex in full. Not share any of the proceeds of it's sale with him.

God promised you restoration .... and He is faithful!

Up until these past 2 days, I have felt even more confident in this promise. I was just really thrown by the new info. I feel like his admission 2 months ago that there is a part of him that wants to come home, shows that there is still internal battles waging. I know that having to spend time around me really confused him. I think when you are in the presence of truth, you cannot live in your delusion. That is also why she called me...she was afraid that if he actually talked to me in person, that I would be able to talk him out of it. I definitely think she was scared. I really feel like he was really confused because when he was seeing me, it wasn't horrible. Especially because I was not ripping into him every chance I got. I think we only argued one time the whole 6 months. That is not like me to be able to restrain myself and not go on a rampage with my words.

Anyway, I think as soon as I have some funds coming in, I will try to find some hobby to take up so that I have something to keep me occupied, a little adult time away from the kids.

IHC

I just found out that OW lost her job about 1 1/2 weeks ago. (a friend of mine lives next door to the manager of her store...and I am sure she has given him an earful about the sitch..she is a trustworthy pastor's wife, so he would have no reason to doubt her) Apparently they wanted to get rid of her for a while but had to wait until they had something to fire her for. She apparently was late very often!!!

This made me smile! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> I know that is hateful, but too bad, so sad! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I am really PO'ed that the money I should be getting is being used to support her. UGH! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

But, a little justice has been served.

Smiling,
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
IHC

PS: I know this is not Plan B stuff, but I can't go super dark until after court on the 24th. Plus I am still learning how to get this stuff out of my mind!

Oh, this is not going to go well for their little fantasy ... he's already broke, and pretty soon will be having to turn over most everything to you .... and now she can't suport herself, much less subsidize him anymore. And she will probably get VERRRRRY cranky about him not being able to help HER out.

It's about time for a nice little melt-down in A-land!

AmI,

That is what I am praying for!!!!

Just one more little bump in their road. I am praying for more and more...strife, confusion, jealousy..it's all coming their way!!!

IHC

Today has been very hard for me. It is hard to "shut off" my mind in thinking of my husband. I find my thoughts constantly drifting to him and what he is thinking, doing, etc...

It's awful being in the dark about these things. I know...it gets easier, but I am just having a really hard day today. I am just really missing my H. It doesn't help that my best friend is getting married in a couple of weeks so there have been showers and bachelorette parties, etc. Wishing I could turn back the clock...

IHC

(((((IHC)))))

The hard days really suck.
Can you take some time to pamper yourself? Maybe put all the kids to bed early and get a bubble-bath and a glass of wine....

Or a good, funny movie.

Taking good care of yourself is the best medicine when you're feeling down.

-AmI.

AmI,

I do need that..just hard to get the time...or hard to get in the right mood when I do have the time.

I have had bad dreams about H for the past week. Every night is a new dream. I usually don't remember the details, but I do know that there is a lot of arguing and trying to get him to comprehend this sitch that he has caused. I have not really had dreams about him since before DDay, when I was dreaming that he was having sex with another person.

Maybe things will be better after court next week. Then things will be more settled financially, which is a huge concern to me right now.

I thought going into plan B that my life was going to be so much "free-er", I wasn't expecting the thought life to be harder to manage. It is not like anything has really changed...we had so little contact anyway. I guess it is just a battle of the mind at this point. I will keep pressing on though!

My mind is confident, I just can't get my emotions to line up with my mind and the promises God has given me. In my mind, I know that I am going to be fine regardless of the outcome of this trial. God has great plans for me, with or without H. I prefer one over the other, but I know that good things are in store for me...now if I can just get my emotions to go along with my mind!!!

Thank you AmI for continuing to check in on me...I know I must sound like a broken record...you are such an encouragement to me. God Bless...IHC

Wh signed papers last night that allow me to receive payment for our rental property from section 8. My intermediary is a notary public, so she did the letter for me.

No big deal...

Here's the strange part..WH gave her a check for CS to give tome. First one this month. I was shocked and so was she.

Big deal...

My friend informed me that she thinks WH is on something. This is the 3rd person...none of whom have spoken to each other, mind you...to tell me that they think my WH is doing drugs of some sort.

This news makes me really sad, but actually helps me want to move forward in Plan B because: A. WH is not someone I would associate with much less be in a relationship with...so I am not missing anything or B. WH will get it together and become the Godly man I met and love. Either way...I can't lose.

I have great children and a promising future...with or without WH.

Just an update. As you can tell, I am good spirits today! I'll probably be crying like a baby tomorrow!

IHC

"My friend informed me that she thinks WH is on something. This is the 3rd person...none of whom have spoken to each other, mind you...to tell me that they think my WH is doing drugs of some sort."

Can't tell you how many times I heard this, too, when my H was W. Their behavior is just so bizarre, that there isn't any other way to explain it. I think that's where the whole "crack addict" metaphor comes from.

Very glad that he seems to be pulling his head out and starting to pay some CS. At least that's a start.

Glad it's a good day -- you need those once in a while!

-AmI.

AmI,

RE: drugs

So was your H or is this just part of the WS behavior because of their detachment from reality???!!!

Wh came to DD soccer game for about 20 minutes on Sat. She had 4 games over the weekend and he barely made it to the end of the 1st one. I was able to completely avoid him and not speak to him...I don't think he ever even caught a glimpse of my eyes!

I ran into a friend of my H's on Sunday. This is a man who my H actually led to the Lord after living the same life that my WH is currently living. He, through talking to him and praying for him, helped this guy make it through the mess and return to his family. The guy was devastated when he heard what was going on...he started to tear up. He returned home and his marriage was restored. He encouraged me that he WH will come home. He said he was gone a lot longer than 7 months...almost 2 years. He gave me the WH perspective of guilt, feeling like you can't dig yourself out of the hole...etc. It was very encouraging to me. Helps me to know I am on the right path.

He also told me this, "I don't know what he is saying right now, but I want you to know how much he loves you. He used to talk about how much he loved you and your children. He really loves you." His face lit up remembering how my H used to talk about me. I remember when I felt loved by my H...it was a very nice safe feeling.

MIssing my H, but glad to be slowly moving forward and redirecting my energies towards my children.

Please pray for me this week as our court date is Wed am at 8:30 PST.

Also wondering if anyone other than AmI is hanging in there with me...I haven't heard from anyone in a while...

IHC

I am sooo sad! I had a post all typed up and lost it!!!

So, today we had our sourt date for LS. When WH arrived, he came and handed me copies of response papers he had filed on the 19th. In these papers, WH asked for kids every TH - Sat for a 40-60 time split. Also tried to state my income was higher than it is and that his is lower (by his car/gas allowance)

WH also returned my house key, which I had requested 6 weeks ago. It shook me...he seemed so resolute and detached and "done" with me. No emotion at all.

Inside the court, things went well for me. Physical custody was the only thing we had not agreed upon in mediation, so the judge asked each of us what we wanted. I told her sole, because that is basically how it has been for the last 6.5 monthss and I'd like it to stay that way. WH started talking about visitation, to which the judge reminded him what he agreed to in the mediation plan and then carefully explained to him what sole and joint custody meant. I was about to agree to joint custody with primary custody to me when my WH agreed to me having sole custody. I couldn't believe it.

I told the judge that his sudden interest in visitation was not so much due to visitation issues, but more likely due to CS issues. I happened to catch her eye and she got what I was saying...he just wants more time so he can pay less.

I was awarded temp. control of our rental until I move and we sell it.

Judge then asked a few questions re finances in order to figure CS amounts. She then asked WH how much time he had spent with the kids in the last 6 mos. He replied "about once a month, nothing real regular. But that is only becuase she told me she did not want me to see the kids because of his lifestyle choices."

I informed the judge that this was not true, that I did state that I wasn't bothered that he wasn't spending more time with them because of his lifestyle choices. I also told her that he has spent 41 hours with the kids in the last 6.5 months.

She signed everything and said the order for support would be issued this week. So...it's done and I think I came out on top.

After we left the courthouse, my WH called my name and asked me when I thought he might be able to contact me directly again. (perfect opportunity to tell him when he meets the conditions of my letter...but I was too shaken from court to think of that comeback!) I said I didn't know that I wasn't ready yet. I looked him right in the eye and said this has been very hard for me and I still some time and that I don't know how long. He nodd3ed his head and said ok, let me know when I can. Then he left.

I was shaking all through court, this was a stressful day and I started crying a little, mostly due to stress, toward the end of court and the end of our brief conversation in the parking lot.

Now that it is later in the day, I clearly see that I came out ahead in the LS, I am just waiting to see what the judge orders for CS. But I should be ok.

I am glad that I can go completely dark now. I am just second guessing whether I did a good enough Plan A or not. Because plan b is useless without giving them something good to remember you by.

Why do WS's want to have contact with you anyway? What does he care if he can't talk to me. Isn't that why he left...because he didn't want to be around me anymore? It makes no sense people!!!! More fog...

IHC

ANYONE THERE!

I'm here.

Sorry I haven't been around as much lately. I just got caught up on your thread.

I'm glad that court went pretty well. Sounds like you will get the CS that you figured -- what about spousal support?

How strange that he agreed to just seeing the kids whenever he bothered at mediation, and then suddenly shows up at court wanting them half the time. I think you're right that it was a financial move ... although wouldn't it be nice to think it was him realizing how badly he'd mesed up with the kids....?

"(perfect opportunity to tell him when he meets the conditions of my letter...but I was too shaken from court to think of that comeback!)"

Don't worry, you did great. You can't expect to have the perfect answer all the time, and you DID show him your hurt and were very real. So don't go back and try to second-guess what you should have said.

He cares because you were always a backup plan, and even with as little contact as he had, you were still meeting some of his needs. Now you pulled the rug out from under him, took away any control that he thought he had, and that doesn't feel good.

Kind of the point of Plan B.

You were kind of stuck in a tough spot at the end of your Plan A. It was hard to get too much in there with him refusing any contact with you at all. But you did have that one encounter, whenhe was considering trying to make it work, so I think that's a sign there's at least a little seed planted somewhere in there. And things with his OW are going to go downhill fast now that he doesn't have any money, and neither does she (or a job, for that matter!). So your Plan A might not have been ideal, but you do have some factors that will help break up the A. I just can't imagine it lasting much longer at all, now that she has to meet all his needs.

The big question will be if you will want him back once things do break up. I'm sure it's hard when he's been pulling such slimy moves recently.

Hang in there,
Take really, really great care of yourself right now! Find some things you enjoy and that make you happy. What kinds of hobbies did you have before him, and before kids? Any way you can trade childcare with someoen so ou can get out and have fun one night a week? What other things are you doing to take care of yourself?

Maybe implement some fun new traditions with the kids....?

-AmI.

AmI,

I am glad you are still here! I feel very alone right now with support on this board. How weird that having someone I've never met take notice of my thread is so encouraging...But, as you have said, there are sooo many who need help...

Sounds like you will get the CS that you figured -- what about spousal support?

I think I will get both. He had no good reason why I should not receive spousal support...and she asked if I had any other sources of income and I don't so...

I have definitely been questioning my plan A lately. I am not sure that I showed him how much I love him. I think we had so little contact and when we did have contact, I tried to be upbeat and act like I was doing great...he may have interpreted that as me not needing/wanting him. I guess I am just really second guessing whther I did a good enough plan A. It's too late to go back now, I know.


The big question will be if you will want him back once things do break up. I'm sure it's hard when he's been pulling such slimy moves recently.

I try not to think that far ahead right now. I know that I say I want him back, but it will be different to actually do it. I guess for me the biggest way I would know if I could is if his heart is right with God. It would show on his countenance...just like it doesn't show now. I have still got a deep peace that everything is going to be ok...I just don't have any idea as to the time frame.

I haven't been able to do much for me lately due to finances and not being able to pay a sitter...and feeling like I've used all my free sitters enough...but that will change soon.

Thanks for checking in on me!

IHC

i also qustion my plan A

it's funny after all they ahve put us through that we are the ones questioning if we did enough, if we let them know how much we have changed, how much we love them isn't it?

You can only do what you can do ... and at the very least, your Plan A DID have him thinking about coming back, even if it was just for a second before she got her death grip back on him. That's pretty major.

I think you did as well as you could have done. You showed him you still love him, you showed him how much better life would be at home, and how you've become a better person, what a great wife and mom you are .... he'll remember those things.

He just has to get out of the grips of that A. And it will end. Especially with all the reality they are facing now -- no way either of them is going to be happy about that for long.


In the meantime, lets come up with some ways you can take care of yourself .... that don't cost anything and don't need a sitter ....

What are your favorite things to do? What hobbies did you have pre-H and kids? How mature are your 10-year-olds -- could they entertain the little kids if you were nearby for the just-in-case stuff .... ?

-AmI.

eav,

it's funny after all they ahve put us through that we are the ones questioning if we did enough, if we let them know how much we have changed, how much we love them isn't it?

I find this soooo ironic! I made mistakes, but I did not choose this! But I am the one having to do the hard work to hopefully recover.

But, it is also a sign that our plan B is somewhat effective...for us. It is helping to protect that love for them. I know that w/o my plan B I would be hating him so much right now. This helps me remember my H...and forget a little of my WH.

You are at 1 1/2 years right? Can you believe that you have been at it for that long? Only by the grace of God! I remember being at 3 months thinking I could not go on another day, and how every day seemed like an eternity. Now, I am going on 7 months and time is starting to fly by a little better. I feel like I can wake up everyday and go on. I do know at this point that I am going to be okay, regardless of the outcome. You are too!

I'm going to try to catch up on your thread...I've been so busy.

IHC