AmI,

and at the very least, your Plan A DID have him thinking about coming back

It seems like I always forget that this happened...it seems so long ago...it was only 2 months ago that this happened. It feels almost like it never happened. I am praying that this is still eating away at him...an internal conflict.

He just has to get out of the grips of that A. And it will end. Especially with all the reality they are facing now

I cannot wait for this day!!! 8 months of the affair...ugh! Probably a lot longer if you add in the EA part, of which I have no timeline.

The part about plan B that is hard for me is this: the only times my H has peeked out from the fog was when he was spending time with me...now that he has so much time away he can drift further away. It is so counterintuitive to me. But, I know that it works... So I am going to be the faithful follower of MB principles...

In the meantime, lets come up with some ways you can take care of yourself .... that don't cost anything and don't need a sitter ...

It has been so long since I had a hobby, so I am not sure what I would enjoy. I have been, as most moms are, so focused on the kids...they are my life!

I enjoy singing, and I do that at church once a month...I can't really commit to much more than that schedule wise. Hopefully I can figure out something else to do. In the next month or 2 I should have funds available to get out...so I need to come up with some ideas there too.

I am not very good at relaxing (although I am learning)...I like to be busy, on the go. I like to "do" things, but ususally that involves money (ie shopping, movies, out of town...)

I am kind of at a loss as to what to do...hmmm. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

The kids can definitely be nearby without much supervision...they are fairly independent.

I am realizing that my identity, outside of work, is pretty much wrapped up in them at this time. I think that happens to a lot of moms. I do need to find something for me. Again...stumped!!! How lame! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Thinking about this hobby thing, IHC

It's not lame. Like you said, I expect that it's pretty typical for moms to kind of lose track of what they like to do for themselves, especially those with 5 kids. I see nothing wrong with your identity being wrapped up in your family--what's more important than that? Maybe a hobby that you can do with the kids? Even if they're independent, I suspect it might be difficult for you to carve out large chunks of time to devote to a hobby. Depends upon the hobby, I guess. There's a big list of activities in the back of one of the Harley books--HNHN? How about skydiving? Or maybe crossbow hunting?

I've been doing some woodworking and making home improvements. My mom suggested dance classes.

Hang in there.

SDG

"It has been so long since I had a hobby, so I am not sure what I would enjoy. I have been, as most moms are, so focused on the kids...they are my life! "

This sounds so familiar!!! It's funny how moms tend to do that.

How about small groups or things that the kids can go with you? I joined a group and learned how to knit ... DD would try to knit with me, and DS would just play in the yard with the other kids, or read or something. Does your church (or another church, mine was through a whole separate church that had "girlfriends" clubs) have anything like that? Even if it was a bible study small group, at least it's some focus that is NOT on your WH, and it's more about you and your growth.

If you like singing, maybe you can teach them all a song to sing with you .... make a big production out of it ... borrow someone's video camera and tape it!

Maybe story time at the library, put the older kids in charge of the younger ones, and you can find a cozy corner with a good novel....?

Probably too cold for the park right now, but maybe a fast food place with an indoor playground -- let them blow off some steam while you do a crossword or sudoku or something, and are still close enough to handle any emergencies. Heck, get some kneepads and play in the gym with them!

Get them to help you re-arrange the furniture. You guys could draw a little graph paper version and find a good arrangement .... just for a little change.

Stick them all in front of a movie while you soak in a hot bath with a glass of wine and paint your toenails ....

Maybe make a make-shift putt-putt course in the living room, with plastic cups and use furniture as the obsticles. Bet you could get a cheap little putter from the thrift store, and some used golf balls from the driving range. Just make it a nice gentle course so there are no broken windows! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


I'm trying to think of other ideas, too....

SDG,

Or maybe crossbow hunting

I'm not sure I should be trusted with a weapon yet!! LOL, I might accidentally shoot a tire or a leg....WS's beware!!!

I agree that a hobby with my kids would be the ideal. I really do enjoy my time with them, but I also want that alone time...to be a better mom.

My mom suggested dance classes

So...did you go with that one? I would be a mess in dance class...so uncoordinated!

Thanks for the input...IHC

Alone time. How about massage? I've been getting [relatively] inexpensive massages for about a year now. Or maybe yoga? Either gets you some alone time and is all about relaxation.

I think the dance suggestion was about meeting women, to be honest. I largely shrugged it off because I am an overly self-conscious white male. If it comes to meeting women (tempting! Oh, so tempting!), there are other resources.

AmI,

I'm sorry this wasn't a quicker response...I got locked out of the website all afternoon yesterday.

You came up with some amazing ideas. You are very creative...not my strong suit.

Took the bath last night! It was nice...even though the walls are thin! They didn't bother me the whole time...A MIRACLE. You know how the minute you walk into a room and close the door, kids suddenly need you!


My best friends wedding is Friday and so I am going to "get" to be busy for the next few days. That will be a nice distraction. I think I will do fine through the wedding, but am a little concerned for some unexpected emotions to pop up.

At her shower the other night, I was fine and then all of a sudden it hit me and I really missed my H...not my WH though. It was so sudden and kind of unexpected when it hit me. So, I am preparing myself for something like that to happen, but am trying to stay in the land of the happy! I am very happy for her and am glad that my sitch hasn't blackened my outlook on marriage or men in general! So hopefully that attitude can prevail until the festivities are over.

IHC

SDG,

The massage idea is one I have been trying to do, but with WH not supporting me last 2 monthsd, it was hard. But I did have some GC's for it, so that was helpful. I only have to pay 65.00 for a 90 minute session. I always feel physically lighter after one...like literally weight has been lifted.

tempting!

I have to watch myself in this area too...what they say about being vulnerable to that yourself in our sitches is very true. BS's are definitely in the need of guarding their hearts during this.

IHC

Glad you could find something! We have a big soaking tub that I never used pre-A .... and use all the time, now! It's a litte easier for me to get alone time, though. Even at the ages mine are, they still seem to need something the second you close them out of a room. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Keep taking really great care of yourself. The wedding sounds like it will be fun, and a great distraction. And since she's your best friend, I am sure that she'll be very understanding when you have those moments. No one expets you to be perfect all the time!


"I am very happy for her and am glad that my sitch hasn't blackened my outlook on marriage or men in general!"

This made me smile. Way to think!!!


I was thinking about your concern about your Plan A. You can't really go back and do it over, but are there any personal growth or changes you wish you'd made in Plan A that you didn't get to? Things that would be good for you? Might be soemthing else you can tackle in Plan B to keep your mind busy....


-AmI.

IHC,

I'm so sorry I haven't been around for you. I noticed that you were having a bad time in mid January, and I wasn't there to cheer you on.

I'm here.

Plan B takes some time to cool down into. The thoughts of you WH are normal and never REALLY go away, but their impact changes; some days are better than others, but MOST days are better. I think that at around the 2 month mark, I really began to hit a stride.

I haven't taken on any hobbies, but I've done some redecorating around the house, laid new carpet, done a lot of 'spring cleaning' type things. I have also used my free time to hang out with friends. I threw myself a 35th birthday party!

I still thought about WH, and his LACK of involvement, and found myself bewildered that he would leave US behind. I have said this to eav a couple of times, but I think that it is nearly IMPOSSIBLE for a WS not to think of their W/H, and what you may be doing, or how they feel about you.

I'm pretty sure that many of them see us moving on; some seem to take longer than others to ACT upon that development, especially is they are in an active A. My WH was WANTING to start another R with another OW, as far as I knew. I won't know what has happened over the last several months unless we talk again. We'll see...

AmI,

but are there any personal growth or changes you wish you'd made in Plan A that you didn't get to? Things that would be good for you? Might be soemthing else you can tackle in Plan B to keep your mind busy....

I have been heading in that direction again. I feel like I need to be digging deeper. I strongly feel there are still changes God wants to make in me...regardless of the outcome of my M. I am trying to head in that direction now.

I just can't seem to keep my mind off of WH. I feel compassion for him sometimes because I know he is miserable. Of course I still could beat the crud out of him too.
I think of him daily still...but not as emotionally draining as it was pre Plan B. I am thankful for that.

reading silent's recent posts have totally inspired me today.

IHC

IHC

I have worked on myself, especially in terms of setting boundaries with my son. Having this time with him has been very rewarding for me. I have learned that you don't necessarily need oodles of patience if you both learn how to listen and communicate properly.

I lost myself deep inside this abyss initially, and am beginning to see signs of my old, confident, goofy self. I'm like you, I laugh and mean it most times without 'faking it to make it'.

Unlike you, I don't get communication from ANY of WH's friends as they do not speak to me, so I have not even one idea of how he's doing, or coping. It's been easier for me to think that he hasn't been thinking of me because I don't get this information. Without this, though, I tended to struggle with thoughts and ASSUMPTIONS (and they are killer). I have just recently started to rely on what my need in Plan B is and my strategy to achieve it.

I, certainly, still want to be with my H, not WH, but my H. I want to have a cohesive, happy, thriving family. I want a home to walk into that comforts me, envelopes me, so I clean and decorate accordingly. I fight, silently, for these things.

Plan B has helped me to hold on to REAL hope, tangible promise of something better to come, no matter what that may be...

silent,

It is hard to get to everyone on this board! I find myself overwhelmed just trying to keep up with everyones sitches.

I have gotten caught up on yours today and am "giddy" also! I am praying for you and for you to find peace and clarity about the next step on your journey!

I bet you feel very overwhelmed right now.

The thoughts of you WH are normal and never REALLY go away

I am glad to hear this. I was really thinking I was doing plan B completely wrong. I have noticed the impact being much "lighter" already.


I threw myself a 35th birthday party!

OK, now I might have to do that...mine (35 too)is coming up in March. I think last year at this time my H was already a WH, involved in at least the EA with OW. He was very detached and barely speaking to me. We went out to dinner with my best friend and her fiance...the ones getting married Friday...and he would talk to them, but I was persona non grata. So, this birthday will definitely be better. For sure I will be with people who want to be with me, and who love me.

some seem to take longer than others to ACT upon that development,

This does cause me to " worry" sometimes, but after catching up on your thread and eavs, I realize this is a normal feeling to have. I am just hopeful that he will move at some point. But reading your news has brought new hope to that, especially since so much of your recent info had been very "it's really over" feeling for you (did that make sense?)

Anyway, thank you for writing. I am a little embarrassed at feeling so "needy" for people to respond. But, I see that in others threads too, so I guess it's normal...but embarrassing none the less. But most of us have thrown our pride to the floor in order to survive this!!!

Thanks, IHC

IHC,

No no no...No embarrassment. I was told this by believer recently, we are all here for you, from discovery to recovery. I'm here for you, so you post if you need help, you post if you need a little love, you post if you are frightned, you post if 'needy'.

I think a good thing for you to do is to find a great, hip place to take your frieds/family to for a 35th b-day bash. Go out, buy yourself some sort of outfit that you like, that has some pizazz, buy some great/hot shoes, buy earrings, the whole nine. Dress up for YOU. Go out, have fun, be admired on your special day, because you deserve it.

I mean, seriously, with 5 younguns, you've gotta be dog tired, and you deserve to be pampered. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!

Your comment about the 'it's really over' feeling made MUCHO sense. I really did feel like my H was drifting further away, and that the changes he had made may not have included being a family man. I MAY have been wrong. I hope I was wrong. FAMILY COMMITMENT is one of my top 3 EN's. Mostly because of a mother's protection of their young; I want my DS to have a better shot at stability, and good parenting than I got.

"Anyway, thank you for writing. I am a little embarrassed at feeling so "needy" for people to respond. But, I see that in others threads too, so I guess it's normal...but embarrassing none the less. But most of us have thrown our pride to the floor in order to survive this!!!"

Have you read some of mimi's recent comments (sorry, can't remember which thread she said it on....) she has said she was the QUEEN of title changes: "NEED help NOW" types of things. I think it's very, very natural -- nothing to be embarrassed about at all. I did the same things with my threads, even started creating new threads when I couldn't change my title anymore. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You're normal! Nothing embarassing about that!

I'm glad that SL is around, I don't have any clue about how a good Plan B really works. I can cheer, but it's nice to have someone who's been there for some real advice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />



-AmI.

AmI & silent

Thank you for reminding me that I am normal. I feel like even though I have a good grip on where I am headed, that I am still so needy for help. I feel strong, but weak! It's very odd to me, but it is the truth. I am ususally so self sufficient that it is a little embarrassing. But I will stop feeling bad for wanting encouragement and moral support. Thank you for being here for me.


I had an amazing time at my friends wedding. The whole thing was so much fun and was sooo beautiful...from start to finish. I personally got to feel like a beautiful, vibrant, sexy woman for the first time in ages! I got my nails done, a pedicure, make-up done at the MAC counter, and my hair was done in an amazing up do that made me feel like a movie star! I even did some "safe" flirting with one of the bridal party groomsman. Safe because he lives in OK and is engaged. Nothing bad, just enough from him to make me feel desirable to someone, that I was still capable of attracting a handsome man. (made me really miss my H...in a good way) BTW, he was not inappropriate for an engaged man. Just charming.

I made it all the way through the wedding and only had one moment of deep longing for my H. I then was able to refocus on my joy at my friends happiness! She was beautiful, he was handsome and I was so excited to see them finaslly unite!

I still have not received my orders from the judge, so I still do not know re: CS amounts. I only received 450.00 last month! Thank God I filed my taxes and got that money. I just wish it could have gone toward paying bills instead of living expenses. Oh well, God has provided before and He will continue to do so.

On Friday, my WH called my work to find out when my DS5's field trip was. I had e-mailed him almost 3 weeks ago asking if he could go on this trip and said I had to know ASAP as they would be traveling on Amtrak and the chaperone name was needed. WH never responded, so I asked a friend to go instead. WH calls on the day of the trip to find out the detials. At this point, it was too late. Why do they do stupid stuff klike this? I don't understand. I did the right thing by asking him in the first place, then he is an idiot until the last minute. What a loser! WS's suck!!!

My WH called the house on Sat. I let the kids answer the phone. He talked to them for just a few minutes each. My DS5 said this to him...and only this "Hi Dad. I want you to come home." the phone was then handed directly to my DS11. WH was asking them what plans they had for the next day. Luckily, I had promised the kids that we would go bowling...so it wasn't that we were just sitting around the house with nothing to do. He never pursued anything else.

Hope you all had a great weekend as well.

silent...I am looking forward to catching up on your thread this morning.

AmI, I need to get caugt up with you as well.

Blessings, IHC

IHC,

You are totally dead on. Plan B IS HARD, but it does get better, time time time.

You are doing so well, don't be discouraged by your WH's actions. He's not concerned with DS's right now, just himself. Sounds terrible, I know. He's feeling a sense of freedom; KNOW that it is not real. Everything that he has with his family is gone. His best friend ever is lost to him right now. Time, and knowing, yourself, that the grass may be greener, but it's not better, just different grass. Maybe it's a blue fescue, who knows, but it's not better. Know why? You're not there...

silent,

I feel like the pressure to communicate is horrible. I feel protected in Plan B, safe. I'm free to not worry about contact. What he is doing is like an invasion of my privacy to me. I feel like he has no right to enter this space of mine unless he can commit to the requirements of my PBL. I am glad to know that I am not over-reacting to his push for contact.

My first thought was "no way will I communicate with you...you cannot force me." I also completely realize that I did nothing wrong, he had the info he needed but did not act upon it. The blame lies with him.

I think it is really wise to force him to use 3rd parties to reach me. I will continue to enforce my position.

I enabled the block on his e-mail address today, so now he would have to change his address for something to get to me. I have caller ID on all my phones, so I can easily divert those calls to the children. I even have planned a response for those times that he may use a # I do not know or is blocked or if he calls my work...so I think I am covered and still dark.

I have not responded to his e-mail yet, which I am sure is annoying to him...I had always responded immediately to his e-mails when in Plan A. I will probably reply later today through a 3rd party.




Personally I htink it is CRAB GRASS!!!!!!

IHC

IHC,

CRAB GRASS, good one...

I agree that luring you out of Plan B and into some silly conflict may be your WH's motivation. Responding through your intermediary, that he has reasonable access to you, and that you will be more EXACT with the childrens' schedules is good. I don't know if I would go into talking about WHY you are doing what you are doing, you can respectfully ask that he follows your request...

IHC, I responded to your other thread and then read this so I wanted to add a little.



YES, YES, YES...you are absolutely RIGHT in feeling this way as you have made this a boundary of yours. Please don't feel bad for standing up for yourself.

You see your WH is doing what he knows will work. Plan B changes the rules in the BS's favour. Now you the BS get to decide what you will accept from the WS and they detest this loss of control.

Stay very dark...he will crack if you do and you will gain strength from enforcing your boundary.

You are doing well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Well, he found a way to make me come out of hiding!

On Friday I had my intermediary contact him to see if he was indeed taking the kids for the night. He told her that he "told me" that he ws not going to go thru a 3rd party anymore. She told him that I still was and asked if he was taking the kids. He said yes and I made plans to get them off...

When I brought my DD to the pick up point (kid's daycare), she told all the other kids that they were spending the night with dad. DS11, who had been in a very good mood, immediately withdrew and his teacher noticed. He was almost in tears and would not say at first what was wrong. He finally told the teacher that he did not want to go to his dad's. He was then encouraged to call me and tell me. I told him he did not have to go, that he could stay with me...no problem.

We left with the knowledge that WH would be informed that DS11 adamantly did not want to go to visit. WH called right after the other kids were picked up and talked to DS, then asked to talk to me. I refused. DS told his dad "she does not want to talk right now". WH insisted, telling DS it was important. I got on the phone so that my DS did not have to be in the middle of the sitch. WH was angry and asked what the deal with DS was. I relayed the info that I had been told by his teacher and said that I would not force him to do something he did not want to do. I was brief and to the point and said he could call the teacher to verify the validity of what I was saying.

WH then talked to DS again and hung up. DS was in tears and felt a little guilty, however remained firm that he did not want to go see his dad. I asked many times just to make sure he had not changed his mind. He never did.

When my kids came home on Sat, they said they had met a "friend" of dad's. I asked who and they said her name. He actually introduced them to OW without me knowing it was going to happen. Needless to say, I let the cat out of the bag and told them exactly who she was.

Their reactions will remain to be seen in the coming days, but initially there was some shock and tears, but then understanding. they now get what has been having me be sooo upset with dad. They now understand how seriously messed up he is and all I had to do was tell the truth. It will be interesting to see what comes of this now that they know in relation to how they interact with him. They know right from wrong and know that he has definitely crossed the line and I did not have to point it out to them.

So...this week has been really hard and I have really been struggling with whether or not I even want him back ...I am still so angry.

Plan B's peace got taken awasy a little this weekend and I am going to get it back. Just rambling now...

IHC