So, did I blow it by speaking to my WH? Is it a HUGE error...I don't know that there was an out for me to avoid it.

I know that even just him pursuing contact shook me. I am dark again, but I have had a hard weekend...lots of confusion again about whether nor not I want him back at all. Anger at him introducing OW to my kids...UGH!

bumping to place near other post...HELP

Hope you all are having a great Valentine's Day!!!

Mine is surprisingly good...I realized this morning that my H was never grerat at this day, so in a way it'll be better...because I won't be disappointed.

I read Dr. Dobson's Love Must Be Tough this weekend and found it to be so very helpful. I especially needed the last chapter that really hit home. I had posted before that I was feeling like I did not want my H back...I was feeling like I wanted to move on. In the last chapter, he talks about that point in time where you regain your self-confidence and realize YOU were not the cause of this situation...you lose most of the feelings of guilt. I had reached this place. This is the most dangerous point, states Dobson, because this is the point where many spouses give up and move on. It is at this point that you have to purpose in your heart to submit yourself to God's will.

I needed this reminder. I had been wondering why I wanted out so badly and this helped me to see why and refocus my energies in the right direction.

Thank you to all of you here who hold my hand and help me through those dark days...you are such a blessing to me.

IHC

IHC,

On the other thread, I forgot to comment on your WH introducing the kids to OW.

OUCH!

Not much of a comment, but wow, that really must have hurt. I think you did the right thing explaining who she was to the kids. Helping them build up a layer of protection for themselves, too.

So often kids take respoinsibility on themselves for a parent leaving. And now they have some information that can help them place that responsibilty where it belongs.

I'm a little mixed on your DS not wanting to see his dad. Did he talk about WHY? I'm a believer in supporting a child's relationship with the other parent -- even when you'd rather not. But obviously that's got to be tempered with some wisdom, and I know you have that wisdom, especially where it comes to your kids.


I think you're doing great. What are you doingto take care of YOU????


-AmI.

AmI,



DS, when I questioned him, did not really have a reason. He just felt like not going...very strongly. I Asked him if it was just that on that particular day he didn't feel like he could handle seeing his dad, you know some days are harder than others...he replied yes. I think it was just one of those days where he just did not feel like he had the strength to be around his dad. He is very sensitive.

On the flip side, I told the kids that dad was going to be having them spend the night this Sunday...DS11 is totally fine with it this time around...ready to see his dad...but my DD9 said to me "I'm not sure if I wan to go..." I asked why and she is saying because of the new info she has received re OW that she is still a little upset. However, I think she will go, she is much more open to her dad than DS11 has been.

I kept encouraging DS11 that if changed his mind, I would take him to his dad's.

I really do want my kids to have a good relationship with him...even though I cannot.

I think I am doing a fairly good job of having the kids be respectful and loving toward their dad. I go out of my way most times...but I do have to watch myself and keep checking my motivations for things!

I am really worried about how my WH will respond to kids knowing about OW. Should I let him know they know or just let him figure it out? I am a little unsure...for the kids sake, not for his anger or repercussions, just for how all that will affect my kids.

Any input?

IHC

If your WH was concerned about the kids knowing about OW, then he wouldn't have introduced them.

He probably won't be happy that he doesn't get to sneak her in the back door, and pretend like their relationship is all kosher and beautiful ... but that's his problem, too.

I don't think there is any reason to fill WH in, he already knows who OW is and that HE introduced her to the kids. You don't have to tell him that, or re-state his own actions to him.

Just keep the lines of communication with your kids open. Tell them that you'll answer any questions that you can, and just keep reassuring them. And definitely don't buy into any nasty back-and-forth stuff if he tries to start it. Keep supporting their relationship with him, keep not talking bad about him. They will notice those things and wil figure out which parent they can trust and depend on.


You keep not answering this question ....
What are you doing for YOU????


-AmI.

AmI,



Well, since my friends wedding, I have a renewed interest in looking good. I have been doing my make-up a new way, which has been getting me a lot of compliments. I have purchased a few new shirts which fit me a little better than my old things, so I feel more vibrant. I am going to try to keep up with my nails and pedicures, as long as funds permit.

I have been receiving so much unsolicited positive feedback about my appearane that my self-confidence is finally returning. I haven't felt like this since before I had kids.

I am trying to think of something fun to do this Sun and Mon since my kids will be gone, but I ususally don't do well alone...It gives me way too much thinking time.

Unfortunately, because of my new boost in self confidence, I am having a struggle with wanting to recover my marriage. The knowledge that I could have someone else has been very freeing, but thank God I read Love Must Be Tough. It helped me see that those feelings are very normal and to keep focused on the goal.

Can you believe I am still waiting for my court orders for CS and SS? It has been 3 weeks and still nothing...my legal service is trying to follow up but says it is most likely delayed due to the temp judge that was on the bench that day. UGH! Hopefully it will come through soon.

I really am trying to move on without letting completely go but it is such a hard line to walk.

IHC

Is it normal, when one has been in plan b for a short time (2 months), to be so tired and ready to give up? The last 2 weeks, I have started to feel like I do not want my H back, that I want to move on.

How do I counter balance these thoughts? I know deep down I want my M to work, but I am so tired of the fight that starting new seems easier and more desirable.

IHC

IHC

hey there

i've hung onto hope but i've tried to get myself to the point you are at because the chance is so very, very remote that my h will return after all of this time. I feel like i need to do something to help me get over him.

i've tried to talk myself out of loving my H and wanting him back. I've thought about how hard recovery would be and tried to convice myself that he isn't worth it. I've tried to tell myself that i deserve better than being his second choice and getting back OW used goods anyway. I've thought about things that he's done that i didn't like before and during the A and tried to convice myself that i don't even LIKE him let alone love him. I've thought about his bad habits and his cone head and tried to convince myself that i'm better off without him.

I've tried everything i can think of.

none of it works for long. in fact, i've always loved his cone head. some days though, i do think i'll be okay if he never returns.....then it hits me, i'll be okay, but i'll never feel "happy" again. not the way that i felt when i had a companion to share my life....that kind of contentment and joy and i don't want just anyone, i want the man i love....my H

maybe what you wrote from "love must be tough" is important. i feel such guilt about my part in this whole mess that it's hard to blame him for so much that he's done.

maybe it's just that i'm going to love him forever and that's just the way it is. even if he never returns. he really was a great H for a very long time and maybe that will always be enough to make me love him.

i know that the harley's and Pittman also believe, just like Dobson, that many times the BS stops wanting the WS back before the A ends......and then it does end and it's too late for the WS

when i've talked to Jennifer about this on different occasions, she tells me about many BS she has counseled who give up and move on.....because they have waited so long or they are tired of being alone or just hurting too much....and then the A does end and the WS wants to return but it's just too late because the BS has moved on

i fear that's what plan B can do even if you don't want it to happen

i think that you just need to continue to give it time. if you feel this way for long enough, you won't have any trouble making a decision if you are going to continue waiting for the fog to clear.

maybe when you've been the lighthouse for so long.....the bulb slowly just burns out

The best things that I did were to concentrate on my surroundings. I started to do some redecorating, moving furniture around, things like that.

Now that my WH is home, I still find myself wanting to do some things alone, make decisions alone; it's part of what I was doing in Plan B, the ALONE thing. I started to enjoy some parts of ALONE.

Yes, it is normal to begin to feel that you don't want WH back or to begin thinking about other people coming into your life. Let the thoughts come and go. Remember, you are waaaaay too early in this to go off with anyone else. Stay focused on you.

In my case, the urge to move on was partially a hope that some of the pain would go away if I ended things with my WH. Let things come to you right now. There is no need to go chasing anything.

Just a reminder, from the moment that your WH had the A, you were free to D, without a second thought. You chose MB, so work the Plan B. Find your way. Plan B is meant to give you serenity, so that you don't feel like you are in the MIDDLE of a fight. You are on the outskirts, and if your WH follows the conditions of Plan B, you get back in the fight.

eav and silent,

I really didn't expect to have this 'down' time now thst I am in plan B. Plan B at first was so freeing, but now I think I am "thinking" too much about the sitch. i know that this is why ME TIME is important. I am just not super great at focusing on me - well not in the good way anyway!!!LOL.



I really realize that this is a "phase/feeling" that will pass. It just kind of hit me very unexpectedly. I think it comes from 2 things...1) wanting to protect my heart so that WH cannot hurt me anymore, thus letting go (or at least pretending to...the real deal would take more time) and 2) the loneliness factor. I am feeling very alone right now and would love to just feel that spark again.

The feelings were more than likely heightened due to introduction of OW into my children's lives. It makes it seem so much more impossible that he would come home now that he is integrating her into their time together. It just hurts so badly that I cannot protect my kids from this.

I have just kind of hit a low point, but I have friends who are sooo supportive and are reminding me that miracles do happen and that my H will be home someday.

Coming here is so very helpful too, since you have walked this painful road and can guide me on the way.

I just feel lonely...that is the long and short of it and there is nothing I can really do to change that.

I could really use some encouragement right now...thanks guys!

IHC

I can't really comment on Plan B, but it sure seems like you're doing a great job.

What's happened since you let your kids know who OW was? Have they said anything else about it? Has he seen them since?


I *can* relate to the lonliness. Even with my WH in the same house, it was so painful. Who do you have that you can reach out to? Obviously, there are some EN'sthat only a spouse can meet .... but there are lots that others can meet right now, too. Let them. Ask them to!

There are lots of people who think you're pretty amazing. Surround yourself with the IRL ones. That will help with some of the lonliness.

Oh, and I started letting the dogs sleep with me (something I swore I'd NEVER allow), one is a snuggler and the other one just sprawls out and takes up as much space as he can. It took a little tiny bit of the sting away of going to bed alone at the end of the night.

(((((IHC)))))

You're going to be ok. Everytime i read your posts, I think about how God promised you restoration. That's huge. I know that you're going to be ok!

-AmI.

{{{IHC}}}

I can totally relate to your feeling and how you feel is very understandable.

I never went into Plan B, so I'm not an expert, but I do believe a large part of Plan B is to free 'you' from all the drama. So stop the fight! I know it's extremely difficult - at times it seems INPOSSIBLE - but try, try very hard NOT to think about your M or WH. You have done everything you could think of, and the rest will work out the way it has been planned for you. There is no use for you to sweat and worry too much. You will be okay. You will be okay. You will be okay..... Repeat after me!!

I never believed that I would be okay 3 years ago or 2 years ago. But I am okay. You will be just fine, and believe it or not, you find yourself enjoying your life again......, you may surprise yourself how strong you can be......

One of my co-workers' father just passed away, unexpectedly. He was only 59, and was in a great shape. This reminded me the important thing again - you never know what is going to happen in the future. Worrying too much will not solve problems. Thank God, we are all here, and ALIVE! In a way this is luxury that we can worry about our relationships, instead of worrying about our body tomorrow.

Milk

I will be okay! I will be okay!! I will be okay!!!

I think I am coming (somewhat) out of my funk.

I realize it really is just needing some EN's to be met...and specifically the ones that can only be met by H. My friends are very helpful and supportive and aren't afraid to let me feel, and let those feelings change from moment to moment! They give me the grace I need right now.

My children are having a very difficult time right now, which I know is fueling my anger towards WH. They are just reeling from being introduced to OW and don't really know how to handle it. Just yesterday, my DS5 was so emotional and crying over everything. I asked him what was wrong, why was he crying...His response "Because my daddy won't come home" Once he blurted that out, he calmed down and was fine the rest of the night.

My DS11 has been overly senstive as well. I am so sad for them because they are hurting so badly and I can't fix it.

I am secure in the knowledge that I really did everyting I could to solve this situation when it began. So I don't have any guilt when it comes to that.

Thank you for encouraging me...I just struggle sometimes with where I am heading. I am starting to feel better again, so for that I am thankful!

IHC

I am with you here IHC. When my EX WW finally made it clear that she was much more concerned about her needs and the needs of OM than our children was when I realized that the person she had become (not the one before the A) was not worthy of being a significant part of our family. This kinds of things are deal breakers for me. Selfishness, entitlement, delusion at the cost of the children is a non starter for me.

{{{IHC}}}

Seeing your own children hurting is the worst part. It's extremely painful for you to see that. Everytime my 4-year-old cries for his daddy, my anger towards WH returns.

I really believe those WSs will pay the price in the end. Not that I want retaliation, but I think that's the truth. I am so sorry you and your kids are going through this. It's so not fair. Your WH is making a HUGE HUGE mistake, but he doesn't know, b/c he is too busy thinking ONLY about himself. Kids will be fine, even though they are hurting right now. And they will grow to be strong individuals who KNOW how bad it is to break up your family for selfish reasons. On the other hand, your WH has a lot to learn. He will realize one day - that his own flesh is not going to respect him, because of his own wrong doing.

You and your kids are in my prayer.

Milk

hopeandpray,

Thanks for the comments. It just helps sooo much to know there are others who understand how I am feeling. I am trying to keep my heart open for the possibility of recovery, but it just seems to get harder.

milk,



I think that is where so much of this is coming from. Just last night, my DS11 cried uncontrollably for over 30 minutes. It truly broke my heart. I see this eroding some of his new found confidence and making him question who he is and his value in this world. No child should be put through that, especially by a parent who cannot think about any need but his own!

Last night my daughter revealed to me the following:

"Mom, I think I woud have figured out about dad and OW even if you hadn't told me. When we went to OWD6's birthday party, she told me were going to be sisters."

I almost lost it. My poor little girl has to hear that from someone the first time she even meets her and when her dad has only admitted that OW is his "friend". I am disgusted by him right now. My anger has definitely reached new heights.

Every day I am struggling to remember why I am holding on to hope! There is a part of me that just wants to leave all this in the past and move on. I want to give up because it would be easier, less painful. The other part of me know how amazing everyting can be when God is in control and how it would benefit my children for years to come.

I feel so at odds in my own thinking and feeling right now.

UGH!!!!!

IHC

that must have been so awful for your daughter to hear!

this whole thing is just so awful for everyone involved!

IHC,

How I feel for you. A few months ago we were in family counseling and my DS was sobbing, wanting his Dad to come back home. WH just sat there. How can any parent watch their kid suffer knowing it is because of them? I think it's because they feel they've done nothing wrong. WH once told me...so I have to stay with you and be unhappy for the kid's sake? VERY selfish.

WH introduced the kids to the OW before I even knew about the A. He said she was a good friend of his.

I now have a court order keeping her away from the kids. Once the D is final though, I can't enforce that any longer, which upsets me.

And the OW "is" young enough to be my kid's sister!!! How sick is that?!

I understand how you feel. Some days I say why should I bother with him?, and other days I want him back for the kid's sake.

I hate to say this, but I'm even losing hope in God.

eav,

thanks for still being here!

catgirl,

Yesterday was just a horrible day for me and I was also questioning whether I believed that God was still in control of this situation. I know it with my mind, but my heart was doubting.

I was encouraged by a friend that just because we see the effects of the storm, does not mean that God is not in control still. She prayed with me and encouraged me.

Later last night, I was bored with tv and decided to read a chapter out of my current read...If You Want To Walk on Water, You've Got to Get out of the Boat. The chapter I was reading hit home...mainly about not being discouraged by the wind. God is still completely in control and even though the wind is blowing around you (fiercely) you do not have to worry...He is still performing the miracle.

I felt so encouraged. I have been letting the circumstances dictate how I feel and just how much I believe whether or not God would still restore my marriage. The author really went into detial about Joseph's story in the Bible. It really sucked to be Joseph at times!!!! If Joseph can have faith through all that he went through, then this is nothing in comparison.

The chapter also talked about the difference in people who have resilient attitudes. It talked about POW's and their resilient attitude and how that helped them survive and sometimes even thrive in spite of their circumstances. How the ones that gave up ususlly died in captivity.

I was reminded that my mindset dictates how successful this path will or will not be.

If I want to let go and give up, I can, but I would be missing out on the best miracle in my life. Waiting for the miracle (God's timing) is difficult, but the wait is soooo worth it.

I just hope I can cling to this new line of fresh thinking for a while. I feel like I will grasp this concept for a time, then I get tired and just want to give up. Then God sends another reminder and I am encouraged again and make it a few more days down the road.


catgirl, don't lose hope in God...He is the only thing we truly can hope in! Even when it looks so dark and dreary, God is there. Be encouraged. Blessings to you.


Thank you all for your prayers.

IHC