Hi LA,



Yes, this is a good idea. It no doubt has a lot to do with FOO, as for all of us. H is closer to his mother than father( insofar as he's close to either!). His mum has spent 40 years with a very controlling H without ever asserting herself. She in turn had a very controlling mother and a resigned father...I guess he grew up seeing that in Ms around him there was a controller and a controllee...no other pattern existed.



I agree totally. It was a big problem for me. My FOO could not have been more different to Hs... we were (and still are) very close, affectionate, etc. We were (and to some extent still are...) totally enmeshed. Very little idea where one person finished and another began, whose fault or whose responsibility whose emotions were, etc, etc. I was so guilty of telling H what he 'should' feel (because it was 'right' or 'good', and he was a 'good person') , 'anticipating' what he was feeling.

This was the reason for my own blind spot, which was not seeing him for who he is/was. Being stuck in my projection or my image of who he is/was.

Really seeing his P/A behaviour that hurt me a great deal and his other great qualities that I was attracted to. I simply could not believe that people existed who didn't operate as my FOO did, ie from the premise that the first priority was to 'figure out' (because we knew <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />) what everyone else around was thinking and feeling, and then give them what (we thought) they needed, advise them about what they 'should' do, etc, etc.



This is very, very important for me. If H or anyone, for that matter, DJs, makes general statements about what I 'should' do, what 'everyone' believes, 'everyone' does, or even what is the 'best' .... I use a variation on the same reply: "Is that what you think?".
Maybe in a while I won't need to say this anymore. But right now, I need to bounce it back straight away to remind myself of my boundary.

I don't know if the discussion has meandered away from the main issues. Is this what you were looking for? .. I agree that seeing the truth and accepting the truth are the first steps, and these take some detachment. Acknowledging hurt and pain, and the depth of it. Knowing what hurts us and why, and how to avoid it in future. Acknowleding responsibility, taking ownership. Then it is possible to feel the compassion.

TruBluz (and LA),
thanks for the compliment/s. It made my day! Glad to be of help.

I think I'm getting something new from reading Harville Hendrix, Tru & Smur...

I just hit it where he says Self-Love doesn't cut it.

I went, Whoa. And this directly goes to P/A dance, I think...

So I wanted to run this by you both...

Given that our old brain looks outside for our needs met (which I believe because of our infancy stage...where our needs were met externally), living externally, filling up from the outside is something we all share to various degrees. That we first find our partners filling our needs in the first stage, as if by their very presence--who they are--and then resent in the second stage because they are not...well, makes sense to me that the reason well have P/A behaviors is from then defending against seeing our partners as our enemies...hey, they could fill us up anytime (phase I) and they are choosing not to!

So I believed I approached this first as resetting my perception to separate and equal...realizing I wasn't making my DH not fill me up...and I questioned the depth I needed filling...which wasn't an unhealthy way to go...but Hendrix really nails this...knowing I'm a separate whole being is valuable and true...resetting my perception is needed...but healing my partner and him healing me heals ourselves really blew me away. Fear jumped up in my throat again for getting lost, enmeshed with him, again...which is my little "I'm going to die" old brain reaction.

However, when I really look at how closely I did what Hendrix suggested...acting from phase one again...getting safe to be shared with...I stopped the behaviors which my DH saw as making me his enemy...so I became his friend again. This doesn't heal those wounds...but in choosing to act that way, from love, went a long way to heal my own...

Hendrix said our old brain thinks everything we do is for us...so acting safe (and truly being safe) is what taught old brain I was doing that for me...that two-way street beginning right there.

Whoa.

And to recognize my own old wounds as my own, and his as his...now I'm thinking incorporating my intent to heal my partner/myself as not nearly as scary. Doesn't mean I focus on him to my own exclusion...that's old brain...does mean I act on compassion I know I will feel when I do.

Am I making any sense? Smur, the resulting feeling compassionate can be initiated through our choice to do first, feel after...not feel first and then reactively do. Is that what you were saying? It's what I've been living...yet I had no idea that the exact same act I chose to meet my DH's ENs heals me, too.

Harley knew all this...he's expressed it over and over again...and I think I found where the fear is in that reciprocal, giving to get, old brain instruction...only it's not, is it?

Do you think it would help break the P/A dance when we stop looking at the hurtful behaviors alone and begin finding that kernel within them for us, about us?

Like I was heading to...if we judge everything by level of pain (absence of all being happiness), existence of hurt...are we not stumping ourselves to only acknowledge our hurt, rather than trace it? What if we are focused on changing their behavior, which is the exact childhood experience they had...feeling constantly judged and changed by their parents...that our focus and judgment escalate the P/A behaviors by performing half the dance?

Which would be where ownership really soars...because when we stop judging, own our own stuff, we demonstrate our focus is within...and we offer partnership, not parenting.

What if our spouses' P/A behaviors are really what attracted us...we saw them do it with others, talk about it when they shared their history...so that we could deal with that disowned part of ourselves?

Okay...'nuff questions...I'm still reeling from what I inferred was you can go outside to heal your inside...so forgive me for lack of clarity here. Pull out what resonates and respond, please.

LA