SS,

Have a great weekend away.

BTW, I like it when you are "just talking". It helps me more than you know in this ongoing process of mine.

I am a better Lizzie these days because of people like you and LA, and WAT (wherever he may be!).

God bless.

I admire your ability to "see" things, and your willingness to put all that you have into it. God can do wonders with people who try with all their hearts.

I see good in what is happening. He is slow, but there are signs that he does care, even if he doesn't get everything all at once.

I was ranting one day about something my W did that I didn't agree with - because she thinks differently than I do.

She said "I thought you liked the differences between men and women."

It said volumes on so many levels. I thought about it for a long, long time, and indeed, it is still with me.

I have a cousin who lived in France for a while. I asked him for a translation of "Vive La Difference."

He said that it doesn't translate exactly, but that "Celebrate the differences" would be close.

I admit it is still hard for me at times. However there are other times when it creates a magic that is hard to put into words. I think I'll keep her, if she'll have me. (Said with a wink and a smile.)


SS

There's been this situation building with YS. Behavioral issues that started after D-day. And he's 13.

Some days are better than others.

Today was a bad one. He has progressively lost almost all of his priveleges for getting caught in lies, being disrespectful to me, going behind my back, and failing 3 subjects in school. He has been going to counseling.

He refuses to take responsibility for his actions. Every time he misbehaves he states that it is because H has moved back home.

This past summer, he was spending huge amounts of time playing online games. I enforced a limit. He broke it.
There were consequences. Long story short, each time I set a limit with anything, he found a way to sneak around it, and then there would be more consequences, and he would get angrier and angrier and blame me, my H, anyone but himself.

Lately, he has been saying that he is going to move in with his dad (who hasn't seen him in over a year). He talks about wanting to die if he can't play online games.


Both boys and my older children are very upset that my H has made no attempt to apologize to them or even acknowledge their feelings. H's apology to YS last week has set off a whole flurry of feelings that I didn't even know about until just today. My DD had written him a letter and poured her heart out to him. She told him that if he would only come to her, she would forgive him. She said, Mom I've made it very easy for him. Now that my H has selected only YS to apologize to, it just seems to add insult to injury as far as the other children are concerned.

I have been staying out of this, but, there is a part of me that says I am aiding and abetting by tolerating this. But I can't make him apologize. he knows how I feel about it.

I just got off the phone with YS's father. He also asked why H hasn't acknowledged the boys' feelings in the 6 months he's ben back. I don't seem to have any answers here.


This is just a rant and I haven't even begun to process it yet. Just wanted to post and start getting some feedback.

Still working on behavior issues with YS.

I still tend to react to his behavior. I am working on choosing differently. He reminds me so much of my XH - a lot of what he says and does is a trigger for me.

On the whole, we seem to be making progress.

YS and H are rebuilding their relationship. It is good to see.

Yesterday I had Easter dinner for the family - 16 people over.

As we were cleaning up, H came up behind me and put his arms around me and said "You know, today was just perfect. The food was good and it was great that everyone was here and had such a good time." I agreed and thanked him for saying that and then I said (with a big grin and a flirty little kiss)...

"Aren't you glad to be back where I am?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

H replied "Absolutely".

Improving day by day.

Hi, Lizzie!

So good to see you. I'm glad you had a good Easter.

Our DS is 14. We don't have major discipline problems with him, but do run into some of the things you described.

I think that some of it is normal teen stuff.

Trying to go around one parent or the other, pushing limits, failing classes at school (because he doesn't bother with the assignments), etc. It all reminds me of me as a teen, to be honest.

And it's never his fault, either. His behavior is always because of whatever is convenient to blame it on at the moment. And he also tells us he wants to go live with Bio-Mom, who also almost never sees him. Or that he just wants to die if he can't ..... (whatever it is he wants at that moment).

I don't mean to imply that any of it is not serious. Or that it isn't totally hair-pullingly aggrivating sometimes.

But I wonder if part of it isn't just normal teenage/hormone/friends/etc. driven stuff, and he has a convenient excuse to blame it on. I think he'd find something to blame it on even if this hadn't happened.

Your fault, mom, for having an embarrassing hairstyle and totally un-hip shoes and of course for not giving him the Paris Hilton center-of-the-universe-no-consequences-ungodly-allowance-and-freedom-to-destroy-your-life lifestyle. Oh, and for saving your marriage and providing a stable home. And step-dad's fault for not running interference enough and letting him have what he wants, anyway, for not talking mom into a bigger allowance, later curfew and forgetting consequences. Geez, if he's going to come back, he should at least be a good accomplice in getting out of trouble ... right?


Sorry for sounding flippant, and I don't mean to minimize what you're dealing with. I'm sure that he really is affected by the events of the last couple of years. But I think it's also pretty natural for teens to act out, and to grab quickly at the most handy, convenient excuse. Especially if it will pull at mom's heartstrings -- that's even better.


-AmI.

HURRAY LIZZIE! You GO Girl!

What class! I'm so excited for you and just doing the dance of JOY!

You deserve this! Really you do...I see that progress for you sometimes FEELS slow but I'm glad that you went back and read...it does wonders...I do from time to time to remind myself where I was and where I'm going...

many more happy holidays! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It's been quite a while since I've written anything here. I have been reading off and on. My semester is coming to a close and all I can say is "Whew"!

AmI, I just wanted to thank you for your perspective on YS's behavior. It probably has to do more with being 13 than anything else. I tend to see everything in terms of the A. My choice, I know.

All in all, things are still going well, but they seem sort of superficial in a way. I'm not really sure how else to explain it. I share stuff with my H, but I must admit that there is stuff that I keep to myself. He shares some stuff with me, but not about the A. We don't talk about that at all. It is the big elephant in the room.

Lately, I am feeling some resentment start to creep in...which is why I am posting. I need you guys to help me get my head back on straight. I am thinking about the A more and more. It seems to pop into my head all the time - it seems like everything triggers thoughts of it.

Things are tough financially. Not something I am used to dealing with. H's affair was costly. He took out loans, let his credit slip, and made several purchases - one of which was a motorcycle. I don't know how he was able to stay afloat as long as he did. I believe that one of the reasons that he came home was because he was broke and in debt up to his eyeballs. The other was that OW wouldn't leave her H.

Ughhh, see how far away from a peaceful place I am. So I have been working lots of overtime to make ends meet because it is available to me and I make more money. Sometimes I wish H would get a second job but that would leave us no time together and he really wouldn't make that much. So, I am tired and not taking care of myself and allowing resentment to come knocking at my door.

I hate that I am scorekeeping, but the way I see it is that H went off and did everything he wanted. I held down the fort and now I am working extra, dealing with a health issue that H's A left us with (and a costly one at that), and H just doesn't want to talk about the things that I need to. I want us to communicate, I want us to protect our marriage so that it doesn't happen again, but H is so opposed to counseling. I am feeling angry about that.

I just really needed to post because these feelings are getting worse instead of better. I know I need to get back on track.

Do you know WHY he is opposed to MC? Have you asked?

Seems to me alot of this is about your choices...not sharing, your POV...you taking on the extra responsiblity of earning more to take care of HIS CHOICES...

I can see how you are where you are, but if you don't open your mouth and speak up, you'll be back to the same spot you were in...

Do you know WHY he doesn't want to talk about the things that you need to talk about? What about the 15 hours a week?

Any positives here? What's changed since he's been home? Do you see ANY growth is what I'm trying to ask?

I'm hadn't been where you are so I'm just trying to ask some questions to direct you to your own answers!

Wow, it's been a while since I posted! Busy living I guess.

School has been a nightmare. 9 credits in 10 weeks, but it should be winding down soon. I'm supposed to be doing a paper now but I am choosing to procrastinate.

So, the recovery thing is going much better. Less rocky. Maybe I'm less rocky. Feeling at peace with me and DH, even though we are having many issues with the boys.

They remain angry and there is an undercurrent of tension that erupts every once in a while. Too much testosterone, I say! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

The good news is that out of all this tension, DH has agreed to counseling to work on family issues. He seems to like the counselor and does not seem so threatened by it.

My hope is that he gets comfortable enough to deal with some of the issues that I would like to in our marriage. What's funny though, is that those issues don't seem as pressing as they did several months ago.

Things seem more genuine these days. I think that maybe we are in the midst of building a new marriage! I have been doing GREAT at staying in my own stuff.

DH had his annual eval a couple of months ago and for the first time in 10 years, he got an unsatisfactory evaluation and no raise. Mostly consequences from the A, loss of respect and trust they told him.

I thanked him for telling me all that. It must have been hard for him to do. He told me he was disappointed in himself. I listened and repeated. I didn't feel like I had to add to his feelings of dismay in order to punish him, and I didn't feel like I had to fix it either. Big progress for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

And he has been helping me with my stuff too lately. He came home for lunch the other day and I was, of course, doing homework. He said "Oh, there's no clean bowls". Automatically, I jumped up and flounced (yes flounced) out to the kitchen to wash one because inside I am distressed that all of this homework has made it hard for me to keep up with household chores. My DH said "Honey, I was just stating a fact. I didn't expect you to do anything about it". Old behavior, and he helped me to see it. I thanked him and let him wash his own bowl!

I miss being here, althoough I try to read and keep up from time to time. Rin, you rock, girl!

I think of LA and still seeking often, and WAT too. You guys have helped me through some of my darkest times. I hope that I will be able to give that back someday.

Wow, it's been a while since I posted! Busy living I guess.

If you are doing well enough that you don't need outside support, I am happy for you. I admit I have wondered how you were doing.

School has been a nightmare. 9 credits in 10 weeks, but it should be winding down soon. I'm supposed to be doing a paper now but I am choosing to procrastinate.

Or you are so busy that when you get a free minute, you sit in a chair, and hope for calmer days?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

So, the recovery thing is going much better. Less rocky. Maybe I'm less rocky. Feeling at peace with me and DH, even though we are having many issues with the boys.

I think it helps you to have him there, taking care of the things he takes care of. Or "meeting needs" to use Marriage Builders terms. It does make a difference, and we like having someone around. It sounds like trust is returning too. That was a big one for you.

They remain angry and there is an undercurrent of tension that erupts every once in a while. Too much testosterone, I say! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

You are probably right too. LOL. Only one guy at our house these days. I'm outnumbered.

The good news is that out of all this tension, DH has agreed to counseling to work on family issues. He seems to like the counselor and does not seem so threatened by it.

I also bet he thinks it's the boys that need the most change, not him. Oh, I give him credit for being willing. I think that's great, but in this case, I think he feels like it's not so big a deal for him personally.

My hope is that he gets comfortable enough to deal with some of the issues that I would like to in our marriage. What's funny though, is that those issues don't seem as pressing as they did several months ago.

You are getting comfortable with him it sounds like. Why do you trust him more now, than 3 months ago? He must be showing you he can be trusted?

Things seem more genuine these days. I think that maybe we are in the midst of building a new marriage! I have been doing GREAT at staying in my own stuff.

Good for you. I always did believe in you. There was good reason for it too.

DH had his annual eval a couple of months ago and for the first time in 10 years, he got an unsatisfactory evaluation and no raise. Mostly consequences from the A, loss of respect and trust they told him.

I hope he learned something that will stay with him. What were your feelings when you learned of this eval?

I thanked him for telling me all that. It must have been hard for him to do. He told me he was disappointed in himself. I listened and repeated. I didn't feel like I had to add to his feelings of dismay in order to punish him, and I didn't feel like I had to fix it either. Big progress for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Never mind, you already told us your feelings. I think you are dealing with these things in a very healthy way. Identify with the person, but don't take their problems for your own. Let them "Own" the problem, and learn from it. I suspect your sons are getting to deal with their own stuff too now - and once they learn how it works, they will make good progress.

What I mean is - we will have good things, and bad things happen to us all our lives. We can hold on to the hurt, and the hate, or we can decide that WE are better than that, and that we can forgive, and be happy, no matter what the other person does. I bet the counseling will touch on this, and work on it. Once this is learned, we look at life differently, and we realize that we can't change anyone else, we can only change ourselves and be happy anyway.

And he has been helping me with my stuff too lately. He came home for lunch the other day and I was, of course, doing homework. He said "Oh, there's no clean bowls". Automatically, I jumped up and flounced (yes flounced) out to the kitchen to wash one because inside I am distressed that all of this homework has made it hard for me to keep up with household chores. My DH said "Honey, I was just stating a fact. I didn't expect you to do anything about it". Old behavior, and he helped me to see it. I thanked him and let him wash his own bowl!

It really gets good when you can communicate like this, and when you teach each other, and learn from each other with no anger or hidden motive. If you are doing this, I believe you can overcome all the other things too. Make sure you recognize these times, and discuss them, and that both of you know that every problem can be taken care of in the same way.

I miss being here, althoough I try to read and keep up from time to time. Rin, you rock, girl!

You are also missed. Do you realize how wonderful a person you are? And how much you help and uplift others?

No, You are a modest person, and you probably don't. Is that a DJ on my part? I hope not. (SS Smiles, and thinks)

I think you are more than you realize. I hope you come to know it.

Thanks for the update. It really is good to know how you are. I won't worry so much.

SS

I think of LA and still seeking often, and WAT too. You guys have helped me through some of my darkest times. I hope that I will be able to give that back someday.

Again it has been a long time since I have posted. H and I are now over 1 year in recovery and I think we have finally begun the real work. We started counseling late summer, mostly about family issues and te boys' anger, but we are now counseling as a couple and...drum roll for my H....he has even gone for individual counseling...at his own request. So, while all that is great, we are dealing with some very painful issues. I had gotten used to tiptoeing around the elephant in the living room and am now engaged in a major wrestling match!

I am scared. For the first part of our recovery, I held part of myself aloof, almost superficial...keeping one eye out for an escape should I feel so inclined. I would imagine how I would handle things if H went down the A highway again. I've had revenge fantasies. I've held in anger only to have it erupt over something trite. And then H agreed to counseling. He has been open, willing, committed, and truly remorseful. I am allowing him in and I am scared. Don't get me wrong, I am happy, and thankful, but also scared. H tells me that he is scared too. But we are both here and we are both doing it. That is what I hold close. Our choices, our actions.

On another subject, I hav been getting messages from FOW. She has not contacted H, just sends out these absolutely psychotic things to me. These were on public forums where I keep in touch with old friends and my children, where my oldet son's band has a profile and although my profile was set to private, she was still able to send messages until I realized I could block her. So, I never acknowledged any of her messages - she wanted to "chat", made it sound like she and H were only at a temporary standstill, then she said she meant me no harm, then she said she came back to the state every 2 months to visit - and all kinds of crazy stuff that is really wasting my time to even think about nevermind write. Anyway, long story short, I let H know what was going on, again asked him to reassure me that there had been NC, and decided to just let it go. There has been nothing now for 2 weeks. I have a copy of everything she wrote - have thought about finding a way to get it to her H, but I am thinking that no response is probably best.

So that's where I am. Doing the hard work of recovery, loving my H, and trying to live each day to the fullest.

That's AWESOME Lizzie...really it is...

I'm so happy that things have been going well in your family...

You're amazing and well worth all of the hard work! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Rin

It sounds like you have a lot to be thankful for. (I mean besides having Rin as your friend.)

Thanks for the update, and God be with you.

SS