This is not feeling like the MB Forum anymore to me.

I'm feeling like more a minority focusing on MBers Plans.

I don't see many of my buds around anymore.

I'm wondering if that's why.

This is not a begging Mimi to stick around thread but...

I'm feeling like a minority for encouraging strict adherence to the MB Plans...which I strongly believe in...

There are other theories and approaches that are being STRONGLY promoted here now that I am not that interested in...

So does that make me an outcast?

So am I alone in this?

Where are Mel, ark, Pep, 2Long and WAT????

Do you guys have your own MB FORUM somewhere????

I want to visit there, too....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Mimi,
Tempinsanity here (now silentlucidity). You are not alone in strict adherence to MB's, I don't think. I think maybe your idea of how one handles their own thoughts can be a bit strict. Most people are just voicing how they 'feel' and 'think' inside. I've noticed that you, sometimes, tend to tell people that they can't 'think' like that and be good MB material. That's all.

You have helped guide me to a safe place; along the way, I said things that were in my head, and you would say, you can't MB that way. I was expressing an opinion, not a direction. I was looking to you for direction, so don't lose faith in your principles. Your approach can be a bit rigid, structured, that's all.

I think that all of those that you mentioned,



are still here. Maybe they are not as active as you. Don't take the opinion of those who scream above the din to be the opinion of all. Also, we are all so very different, from different lifestyles to different parts of the world. I did Plan A, then (now) Plan B. That's MB! If I trampled the plan A along the way, it is truly just weakness on my part, as it probably is in others. We follow the principles but have to carve out own path. I read Rinder's response to your post today, and I think that may be getting to you.

MB doctrine is Plan A then Plan B. We just may have a different opinion of HOW to do Plan A. I don't agree that WS's shouldn't have to deal with R talk during Plan A, especially if it goes on for a long period of time. The R is the big pink elephant in the room. Anyway, I babble.

I support you here Mimi; don't forget that you have helped people along the way...

Mimi,

I feel like I'm pretty new here, but even I can see that there are opinions being expressed that have nothing to do with MB pricipals. I've been considering whether or not to start a thread expressing my take on some of it, but since I get so little time to actually write something, I've been holding off on doing so.

I have personally bought into the MB concepts. I see how each of the BCs build on the ones before. I can't understand how some can say they don't agree with EN (just as an example) but do agree with the love bank concept. If the love bank is valid, how do you makle a deposit if it isn't through meeting ENs? By definition, the love bank requires that ENs be valid.

I also see a lot of links to other sites. Some are very good, others I'm not so certain about.

Some of my pet peaves are: It isn't Plan B if your WS moves out the day after D-day. Plan A isn't possible for 3 or 4 years while waiting for A to end on it's own. Divorce is NOT a MB concept. If you file because your WS asked for a divorce, you aren't in Plan A.

Well, now isn't the time or place to start my rant, so I'd better quit now.

Mimi,

I have to tend to agree with you. I usually post a lot but I keep looking at advice that doesn't make sense to me here in the context of the site.

I mean when you log into the discussion forum it says.



I mean radical honesty is a core concept which is pretty well defined. Then someone asks about it and people say well you shouldn't ask about the A. Where did that come from.

I see people giving great advice about plan a or plan b and then someone with a personal agenda steps in and gives advice not from anything I have read here.

I don't mind the differing opinions to my own. I think I mind the differing opinions from SH.

I don't get it myself but for now I am just doing some reading and holding my toungue.

oooo Mimi one more thing,

Thank you for helping me really learn MB. Right now you need support from us, and that's okay. You are a good, strong reminder of how MB can work and how difficult the path may be.

((((((mimi))))))

Lady, we love you...I was very happy to get the opportunity to post to you...

I think it's that you are so strong in your opinion is the reason that I'm standoffish...I'm not use to that...That's me...there's nothing wrong with you...please don't take me that way...

I believe in the MB principles...I do...but I also feel that I have to do it in my own time...I certainly can't make my WH give me what I need...I feel that I've done a horrible job of asking for the things that I want and need from him...when I'm talking to him...I'm talking to mt H...

I can't talk to WH...that person doesn't hear a darn thing I say...I have to wait for my H to be there and now a days I seldom see WH...

I'm looking at our history together...when we were first Med, he was talking to this girl in Virginia...Oh, the ****** he has put me through...rented a mailbox behind my back...like I'm studip and can't read a receipt saying that it's his...He gave her up...

I've got my own theories of our dyfunction but my goal is to have an A proof M and I feel like I can get that with MB...I love the principles...I DO...I just may not get there by following it to the letter...

mimi, you amaze me...I look up to you as well as the other old timers here...(please I did call you guys old...LOL)...I value you and your thoughts...I'd be very blessed to have the outcome that you have...

For the first time in my life, I'm not angry with my HIgher Power and I'm trying very hard to let him guide me...he's any been in my heart a few months...so I might not get it right but if I stick with it...I'm sure I'll be led in the right direction...just as he's led me to you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Wow, I guess I need to pay closer attention, because I really hadn't noticed this, although others have said the same thing. This is my busy time of the year when work interferes with my online time so I haven't been as involved lately!

I do know there is an unusual influx of new people and when that happens the principles seem to get a little skewed because you will have the blind leading the blind. Or sometimes, several will say nice sympathetic, cute words instead of helping them learn the program. Recently, for example, I posted to a lady who had been here for several months and had just gone into Plan B. She didn't understand that Plan B means "DARK;" not "limited" communication. She didn't understand that there is no point to a limited PlanB because it defeats the purpose. Yet lots of folks had been posting to her for quite some time!

Anyway, I guess the answer is to pitch in wherever and whenever I can to make sure that the correct version of Marriage Builders principles get out there. That is what folks are coming here for, I suppose!

Silent:

I smiled throughout your post to me.



Sounds like what my sons say. I have to remember that many of you are young enough to be my daughters. Maybe it's partly an age and stage thing. I've already done a lot of self analysis and feel like I am past that stage. Just like I told Rin who is about your age, I've had my years in therapy...taped the whole Bradshaw series off of PBS when we were using VCRS... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

It was a sweet post, Silent..

Thanks

i've gotten some additional insight into romantic affairs from Pittman's book...but it offers no way to try to save your marraige

in fact, i have yet to find any other plan that is as clear as the one offered by the Harley's

if anyone here is posting about other plans, i must not have paid attention to those posts

but i can say that i have read post from people who do not believe in or agree with some of the ideas presented by the Harley's........i try to listen to those who do

like Mimi!

mimi - ?

And to answer your question, yes there is another forum. I haven't been there in quite some time, but it's populated with old (ex?) MBers.

Maybe I need to check in there and see who's still around. A few of them have popped in here recently, but they don't stay long.

Mimi - I hope you or anyone else did not take offense to my recent advice to Eav. It was probably out of line and for that I am sorry - but I gave it with the best of intentions.

Yes, I too totally agree with MB principals and have seen it help many, many situations - mine included. My advice to Eav to try to show the *new her* to her Wh by a phone call was not following the plan that has been laid out for her and was not the proper advice.

Once again, if I offended anyone by any *advice* that I have given out, I am sorry. Not my intentions at all.

Sincerely, Carnation

Mimi, you are right. 2long, Weaver, Pep, WAT and many of the other old familiar faces have disappeared. Even Mel's a less frequent visitor.

I don't recognise anyone anymore. Of course, everyone is welcome as always and I'm sure they'll become familiar. It's always good to have the opinions and wisdom of the old hands though.

All I can say is the board does these shifts occasionally.

Oh and Mimi, of course you should stick around.

Mimi,

It's the periodic cycle of what goes on here. When the influx of BS' grow greater than the one's that can provide help and support, the ratio of MB responses and principals goes down.

All the more reason to keep sounding and resounding what has worked. What I miss were the indepth discussions we used to hvae. WAT, JL, Pep, Rick37, BR, RH, JDMac, ML, Sheryl, Peppermint, Twyla, Leilana, S&C, 2L, TMCM, Motarman and many, many others....yea for those that remember.... even SNL used t/b fun to pry into is guarded WS mind. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Is it wearing? Yes it is. Sometimes it will be. Other times it is good to see how the BS learns to move forward and whop that A smack between the eyes as the BS learns to move forward. Those love taps in some cases brings the WS to their senses. Other times, it allows the BS to move to a better place and time. Either way, MB has seen BS' come in hurt and leave healthier.

Will we be around forever? No. But we can help the next generation to survive, like we did.

I am saying I understand. Ok? Hugz..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Well Mimi,
You are not old enough to be my mom, unless you started having babies at 16!!! You are more than welcome to adopt me, though; I could always use a great MOM! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I think that it takes a strong person to come to these boards every day, and help those of us who are so very damaged and sort of twisting clueless in the wind like a plastic bag. It took me a while, still focusing on WH, to gain a sense of perspective with MB principles; now I am fully ensconsed in it and feel stronger because I have learned to look at myself in a way that I never would have found with IC or on my own. If you can handle the stress, don't go; you are needed! Thank you again for taking the time to voice what we all need to understand. MB is a process; if you skip a step or make excuses for your failures along the way, you will botch it up.

Thanks for allowing me my chance to vent...and to get some attention and love..kind of just kidding..but I do FEEL THE LOVE....

Yes, this is sort of a MISSION for me and the HELPER does get fatigued..and I probably need to take a BREAK from the forum...

BUT, I haven't been able to break away..YET....

I just HATE affairs and I want other BSes to be as HAPPY as I am today ..to BELIEVE that such HAPPINESS is indeed POSSIBLE....and I credit my HAPPINESS to MBers and that's why I get so PASSIONATE and ZEALOUS about it...SO THERE....

As Orchid states, I do miss our "DEEP" MB DISCUSSIONS. I miss our other COMRADES in the BATTLE.

FOREVER, is this website that you are referring to a SECRET/CLOSED SITE? You did not mention what or where it is. What are the MEMBERSHIP CRITERIA??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

carnation

i don't think mimi was talking about your advice to me in her post!

and there is another MB forum?

i certainly hope this isn't a place where some people are choosing only to help a few select BS.....and mimi...i hope you don't disappear to that place also

who will be here to help those of us who need it?

and how fair is it for anyone to decide who is "worthy" of the MB advice that may save their marriage?

THAT is just as upsetting to me than people here who are giving advice that is not strictly MB advice

Carnation:

I forgot to tell you that I definitely wasn't OFFENDED by anything that you said..or by anything anyone has said...NOT RECENTLY...

and EAV:

I can't even spend time over at the RECOVERY section without coming back here...THIS IS HOME for me...I'm not planning on going anywhere...I'll let YOU know....

mimi - I went and checked the site. It currently has 39 members (including me), but there has not been any posting in a long time. So I'm not sure, but the members may have "moved on." I tried to send an email to Way2, the moderator of the General Discussion Forum, but it was returned as undeliverable. I'll let you know if I am able to get any more information.

It was started a couple of years ago, basically with a group from MB who had finished, or tired of, their "MB journey" as a way to keep some friendships going that were formed during the "hard days" of recovery. Folks like Twyla, Way2, Chorus, 2Oak, Dr.Cu, Hopesalive and many others from what I guess you could call "our class" of infidelity recoverers.

Mimi:

Here's my POV:

One comes to MB and this site is search of help for thier personal situation and the state of thier M. Many instances, its an A or other thing that brings them here. The BS/WS/Confused spouse goes looking for help, and if they do a real search, they end up here because the rest of the sites on the web are so much less.

Then, one posts their situation, follows up on that thread, adding updates and how they feel, and starts developing relationships with existing members, who are the veterans. They have BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, and have the emotional scars to prove it. THese veterans provide advice, hope, 2x4's, sounding boards, direction, etc, that the BS/WS/CS needs.

Then that new member really starts searching around this site, and buys the books and starts to understand the principles of MB and Dr. Harley, et.al.

They have begun to become veterans themselves.

They start answering new posters questions.

Those veterans that were here when you started your journey, start to step away from the forum, thier M's are in good shape and they have the rest of life to lead, so they start drifting away.

There are others to take these veterans place, but they joined at about the same time as you, and are in about the same place so they do not have as much to offer, so your own interest wanes.

After all, this can become a great big Dear Abby sometimes, and the stories can really get you down, especially when folks post at the darkest hours and you try to help and then you do not hear from them again. The "What Happened Syndrome" and the "Don't people Understand Syndrome" can get you down after awile.

Some veterans stay around for a long time, jumping into threads as they see fit, after making sure that the thread is going to exist for awile, and the original poster is responding favorably to the MB principles.

Other things that posters have tried seep into the threads, as the pool of posters expand. Kind of rude to plug Dr. Phil or others on a site paid for by Dr. Harley. But, they are tring to help. Be gentle, and guide them back to the MB Basic Concepts.

There is no graduation ceremony from MB. You get what you need, you give back what you can and hope you made a difference in a posters world.

IMHO.