Background - Marriage of 7 yrs, 1 child (now 6yrs old) went downhill...wife wanted out, she left, got pregnant (had a miscarriage) we tried to work it out, she left again, then came back for real and we started counseling....3 weeks into counseling she tells me she is pregnant...I'm hurt once again, she says she doesn't love him and that she can't live without me, and wants an abortion...I say ok, but now she is having second thoughts on the abortion....I asked her if there is a way to keep him out of our and the childs lives...she says no (we live in a small town where she grew up, I'm from PA she's from KY)....what do I do?? I love her to death but am not willing to have another man in my families life forever....it's a risk I am not willing to make....I would except the child as my own but not with him in it's life....I am so confused...throughout this year I have asked god that I would do anything to have her back but do not know if I can do it with another man constantly in our lives....I don't have the strength for that...please advise.

Does the OM want contact? Does he even know she's pg?

yes I do think he wants visitation with the child....my wife told him a week after she told me.....I just don't think I can do it with him there the whole time.....am I wrong to feel that way?

Hon. It's a feeling. It's neither right or wrong...it just is...and it is YOURS. It's not mine or SpongeBob's or JoeSchmoe's...all yours.

And feelings change. I have to tell you that first thing first...YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DECIDE ON VISITATION OR NO VISITATION WITH THE OM (OTHER MAN) AT THIS MOMENT. Infact, you have MONTHS to decide. You have MONTHS to figure out exactly what you want....you wife has MONTHS to figure it out. Guess what??? The OM's wants really don't figure into this equation until nearly a year down the road if at all.

Your wife says she wants to work it out with you? Direct her here. There are BSs her and WS (betrayed/wayward) here that have had the exact same chanklas (shoes/slippers) on! Really!

But first...BREATHE! You are not alone.

- Kimmy

Well, that not entirely true. If not, you could make it VERY EXPENSIVE and a MAJOR UPHILL BATTLE for OM.

I am making an assumsiom that you want this to work with your W and you don't want OM around. Unless you are a danger to that child or where not willing to provide a loving home, then I think the rights of the OM are zilch!

Here is my first thougts if I were in your boat.

Make sure their is ZERO contact between W and OM.
Make sure YOUR NAME goes on the birth certificate.
Drag your feet as far as anything DNA.

Perhaps offer to adopt the child so that OM can escape child support. If your going to be the DAD, then be the DAD in all ways.

If he is stubborn, then get a legal seperation from your W so that way your W income is ZERO, that may MAX what HE HAS TO PAY!

Basicly, infilct as much damage on him as you can if he decides to fight.

I am not a lawyer and these are only my thoughts on the situation. It's what I would look into.

Your a big man for wanting to work things out.
There is NEVER any shame trying to keep your family togther.

I wish you to best,

TH

Ok, WDIW, first, you need to consider, as your screen name says, what do you want? I think that you want your M to work, but are afraid of what may happen down the road. Second, you need to look into the legal stand point of your situation. Find out what YOUR rights are since you were M'd when your W became P. Third, and depending on the true answer from your W it may nulify the first two, find out what your W truly wants. Twice she's left you, could it happen again? You need to know what is going on in her mind. What has she done or can she do to prove to you that she really does wish to reconcile?

Once you are certain of where your W stands, you can then begin, full force, to rebuild your M, even though she is P with OM's baby. How far along is the P? I ask, because however many months your W has left before the baby is due is how long you have to work with her WITHOUT interferrance from the OM. HE DOES NOT NEED TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON PERIOD until that baby is born and DNA is proven. Even just a couple months can do wonders if both parties(you and WW) are willing to work on it. Direct your W here. In our sitch, my H found this place, was reading all over it, and posted first. He's the one who chose my screen name and we both posted through all our recovery beginning. That was 6 years ago! So, can it be done, YES IT CAN. Is it easy, NEVER, but definitely worth all the sweat and tears! If your W comes and posts here, is honest about what she feels and wants, she will get MUCH help, especially from those who have been in her shoes(me and Autumn Day are still around and many other WW's who were lucky enough to NOT get P) We are there for you BOTH

thanks to all who have posted.....these are the things that I am concerned about in the following months:

Can I force him not to be there during the birth of the child?
Can the child have my last name legally?
During the first couple years of the babies life, I don't want my wife and him spending time together with the baby...am I selfish for that?

There are so many more questions I have....and I do believe that my wife and I would have a happy marriage....
This is soooo hard....then my family back home on top of this is not going to make anything better....
Should we go back to counseling....should I talk to a lawyer??

I think you should seek legal counsel now. Do not wait. In the meantime, your wife should have NC with the OM. This is important to the recovery of your marriage. I can also understand why you would not want the OM hanging around. If I was the BH, I wouldn't want him around either. In most states, if your name is on the birth certificate, then you are considered the father, period. As for keeping him away, I would seek a RO, after receiving legal counsel. This would keep him away legally. However, paternity in this case cuts both ways, as you would be responsible for child support should you and your wife decide to divorce. If it were me, I would immediately discuss NC with my wife as regards the OM, and see an attorney. Moving to another area might not be a bad idea either.

If the child is OM.....I dont think there is ANYTHING you can do to keep him from seeing the child. Now, have you talked to the OM? to see if he really wants to keep the child as his??.....or do you think he might be willing to let you be the father??? I really think you should get a lawyer and also talk with the OM. If the OM does acknowledge the child is his (and it really is....DNA). There is nothing legally you can do to keep him away from the child.

Respectfully, you are wrong....depending on the state, of course.

And (depending on the state) if both the husband and the wife stand up and say the child is a COM, a lot of times, the state cannot even request a DNA test.

- Kimmy

Did you read my thread??? I said if DNA proves the child is the OMs and the OM doesnt have any issues (any that endanger a child)......You show me one state that takes away the parental right of the father. Show me one.

Also, why would anyone want to take away rights from the actual father??? Regardless of how the child got here, it would be totally wrong to keep the child from seeing either of its true parents. Unless, one of them endangered the child. IMHO

You think he can convince HER to do that??? Anyhow, I still dont think its right for the child not to know who the real father is.....regardless of how he became. Thats just my personal opinion.

I know SO. What is "right" and what the law is are 2 totally different things.

And what is "right" and what actually is IRL are 2 totally different things here.

I dunno about "convincing" the WW....the decision is hers, tho....

I can think of several reasons I wouldn't want the OM around:
1. If the OM was such a great role model, then why was he involved in an adulterous relationship with a married women?
2. I think the best way to raise a child is with one father.
As the child gets older, loyalty issues would get very confuding, among other issues.
3. If I was the BH, why would I want the OM hanging around as a constant reminder of my FWW's A? How could I be assured that the A would not resume? That is the reason why I brought up the idea of leaving the area.

My wife and I are going to talk tonight about our situation....I will post tomorrow with an update....my wife has acknowledged no connection (feelings) toward or with OM......but we are going to talk tonight...so I will see how it goes...thanks to all

Hey WDIW?

You're not alone.

Just want you to know that.

Tell your W she's not alone either.

That was one of the hardest things for the Wookie and I. We'd never heard of anyone IRL that this had happened to.

Ever.

So....no matter how bad it seems to you....you're not alone.

- Kimmy

NO.

Get hooked up with a Legal Protection Plan. This will save you money when you get a Lawyer to draw up your battle plan.
You need to know what you can do in your state.

This is a battle to keep your family at peace and give you a shot at recovery. Do not feel the least bit guilty of axing this guy out. He in "cahoots" with your W dang near destroyed your family. My mercy level for OM needs would be ZERO!

I speak from the prespective of a Wayward Husband who knocked up a single co-worker.

I also belive it is in the best interest of the child that you are the FATHER. If you know you can love this child, then do the above. IN 18 years, if YOUR child decides they need to seek out the bio dad, then so be it.

TH

TroubledH...you nailed it!

SO~

It's not a matter of the states taking away the OM's rights as the biological father, because for all intents and purposes the OM has NO parental rights because he is NOT recognized by the state as the father. In these states, the H is naturally by law assumed to be the father. Typically, it is the H & W who need to rebut the paternity if they wish to name the OM as the father.

The OM can certainly try to fight for rights in court, but again-- he'd be fighting to GAIN rights to the child, not fighting to keep his rights to the child, (regardless of dna). And even then, there is a window of time in which he has any chance at all. In my state it's 2 yrs.