Marflow,

Hey, give yourself and WH some time; if you feel safe enough to have any dialogue with him, then that is your decision, and I will respect that, Plan B is always there for you to return to...

Rin- I really like this. "I before E (intelligence before emotion!)"

Silent- I do feel safe in having dialogue with him right now. Most of what we talk about has to do with my accident.

I don't want anything from him like I did when I was in plan a I wanted him to come home now not so much.

Right now he is at my house to see the boys. I have a hard time letting the boys see us together, I know how bad they want us back together and thats not going to happen right now.

So who knows I may be on later venting about my evening.

HAHA, I'll thank my sponsor for you!

LOL...well, I hope that things go well for you tonight...

Would this be the first visit...I seem to remember your WH making plans to come over and then not showing up...I don't remember you saying anything about him visiting prior to that...

Your sponsor is a smart women.

Last night wet fine. He was there when I got home from work we were civil to each other. Mostly talk about TV show or my accident. No R talk at all and thats the way I want it.

One problem I'm having is the boys what to leave us alone, I get home and both of them go outside, I told WH nothing like coming over to see the boys and they leave.

But I think for the boys its nice to have Dad at home.

I got a call from my insurance letting me know they found hiding damage so my car won't be ready until 12/20. But thats only 2 weeks for the day I was in the accident so thats not to bad. Although I was hoping I would still have the rent a car when I went to my parents for Christmas.

Every wedesday we have dinner at my church. Last night my best freinds (who died in car crash last year) DS and DD was there and her DD told me that she didn't know want she would have done if she lost me to. I told her I was fine and that I didn't know she found out that she should have called me. I gave her a big hug and told her I loved her. but I cried all the way home ever since my accident I've been thinking alot about her Mother.

Have a great day

Well, sounds to me like you're back in Plan A and for all intensive purposes that may be the best thing for you...I guess we will see!

I hope that you do not have any hiding expectations or hopes...I would hate to see something happen that could cause you additional pain...and I'm not saying that it will...please understand...I'm, of course, looking out for YOU and your kids!

Have you explained to them that WH is around for such and such reasons ONLY...just so that they DO NOT get their hopes up either...

Backing you up all the way! I'm also sorry to hear that you have been triggered my your accident with painful memories...I can understand why you are still grieving the loss. Do you think that there is something else there perhaps from your childhood or are these feelings stemming from her mother?

Keep up the good work! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi all I can't believe that its been over a month since my last post a lot has happened but much hasn't changed.

As most of you know I had a car accident on 12/6/06 at that time I called WH (I was in Plan B bad choice to call but I did it) for the first week or so he called me everyday to see how I was doing. After that only heard from him every couple of days.

About a week before Christmas my OS asked WH if he would stay at my house while we were gone over Christmas. WH Called me the next day and asked if I was ok with it I said yes (we have been robbed 2) I liked the idea of someone being at the house.

The Sunday before Christmas OS asked if he and YS could get WH a gift I said of course so I picked up a starbucks gift card for him. He and the boys had Christmas together on 12/20. So the next day I came home for lunch and there was a big gift setting on kitchen table, it was from MIL and it was addressed to both WH and myself. I was a bit upset since she knows better than anyone that we are apart.

So the boys and I left to go to my parents for Christmas and I had a great time the first time in month that my mind rested. When it came time to open presents the boys gave me the present that was from them (WH bought) it was a gift card but the strange thing was the card on the in side it said something about me being the heart of the family (WH picked the card).

The day we came back I called WH to thank him for staying while we were gone at the end of the call he said I Love You needless to say I was in shock since he hasn't said that for a very long time.

What follows next may get me 2X4ed don't hit to hard.

On New Years Eve WH came over we watched some movies (also found out WH had lost his job) and I drank to much beer. About 10PM WH said he was going to go which I have to say felt like a punch in the gut. At first I was like OK so he hugged me good bye and I started to cry he said don't do that I tried to stop but I couldn't he started to cry to and I asked him to stay (again I state I had way to many beers). He did stay until just after 11PM. We talked a little before he left he told me that he loves me but his in love with OW. We also talked about how I have changed he said that he has changed to. Needless to say my New Year didn't start the way I had hoped.

On 1/1 I wasn't feeling to good due to the beer I had drank and the conversation with WH. By the end of the day I had decided that my marriage was over and I had to accept it.

Remember not to hard with the 2X4's. On Jan.6th I meet a man that I felt chemistry with nothing happened just felt like a school girl again it was nice. I haven’t seen the man since.

Ok then last week happened I had not talked to WH since the 1st of Jan. He called me 1/10 to let me know how the job hunt was going he had been called back for a second interview. The next day I was off work setting on my couch covered up with my blanket when WH just showed up I was a little shock so I jumped in the shower so he didn't see me looking yucky. He stayed until I left for a meeting a 6PM.

The next day he did the same thing except this time I wasn't even up yet. So when my alarm went off a 10AM I got up and went right in to the bathroom to shower a few minutes OS came in and asked if I was having lunch with WH and I said know and he said he's here I like what the HE!! is going on (I had a lunch meeting with my Pastor).

So when I left to go to my lunch meeting I asked WH if he would be there when I got back and if he was staying for dinner he said he would and the he was.

So we have a nice dinner and it get to be 7pm and WH is still there and this is not the norm most of the time he is out the door by 7. The its 8 then 9 and I send YS to bed when YS moves off the couch WH lays down on it and falls asleep. At 10 OS makes some noise that wakes up WH (now mind you I have to work the next morning) so I say to WH are you staying the night and he said Yes I said ok but I'm going to bed.

I went into my bedroom and started praying I'm asking God what on earth is going on, God told me to go ask WH.

So I asked him what was going on and he said I'm not sure that he can't promise me anything. I didn't have the strength to get into it so I left it alone.

The night the pipes froze and one busted so I was a thankful that WH was there and he could fix it.

I didn't see or hear from him on Sunday.

Monday morning he called and asked if I was off for the holiday I was so he wanted to know if I wanted to rent movies I said sure but first I had to run to Costco he came with and helped me. He was around yesterday but I haven’t heard from him today.

Does anyone have any insight or wisdom for me?

Sorry so long

I glean from it that the Affair might be on the rocks and he's testing the home waters to see if there is a place for him still. I could be wrong too.

Wow, Marflow, WTF mate?

Long time no see! You've gotta keep us more updated girl!

Well, it sounds like it's time to put that PBL to the test. NOW would be a good idea to really get to the bottom of what he is doing...You MUST remind him of what is needed for you to reengage in this R. Don't continue in this fogland with him. Express your desire to be a wife to him, and bring the family back together, but not at the expense of just breaking it all apart again...

Don't go week knee'd on us now. Be the LIGHTHOUSE, not the DOORMAT...

And....good to see you; I was wondering how things were going, stick around this time, we can help ONLY when you fill us in and ask for it...

No 2x4's; just use that PBL, you re-read, and even print it out and give it to WH AGAIN...reinforce YOUR boundaries, don't make those lines blurry...

Yeah I know i need to update more but everything seemed to happen so fast.

The worst part is I don't know if I even want him. I feel like I have a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and i keep going back and forth on what I want. ( does that make sense) On of the things he said on New Years Eve was that he doesn't think he can stay away from her. I don't need his bad choices making pain in my life. My mood changes when he is around and its not always positive. I just don't want a replay of last summer. I'm ready to be happy with or without him.

marflow,

Your only decision right now is whether or not to go back to Plan B. His decision is whether or not he wants his M, or whether he wants to be a 'waffle' snuggler.(this is a term we came up with for my girlfriend whose old boyfriend came around, hinting he wanted to be a part of her life, made her brunch for mothers day , Belgian waffles, and then got weepy and wanted to snuggle.) This fence sitting crap is not for you to deal with.

Just send the PBL, along with lyrics from Desperado... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses
You've been out ridin' fences,
for so long - now.
Ohh you're a hard one.
I know that you've got your reasons.
These things that are pleasin'you
Can hurt you somehow.

Don't you draw the queen of diamonds boy
She'll beat you if she's able.
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet.
Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table.
But you only want the ones
That you can't get.

Desperado,
Ohhhh you aint getting no younger.
Your pain and your hunger,
They're driving you home.
And freedom, ohh freedom.
Well that's just some people talking.
Your prison is walking through this world all alone.

Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine.
It's hard to tell the night time from the day.
And you're losing all your highs and lows
aint it funny how the feeling goes
away...

Desperado,
Why don't you come to your senses?
COME NOT CLIMB down from your fences, open the gate.
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you.
You better let somebody love you.
(let sombody love you)
You better let somebody love you...ohhh..hooo
before it's too..oooo.. late.

silent I had never thought of that song for thet purpose thanks for the idea. WH loves the eagles.

Recap about the last couple of days.

Didn't see WH on thursday his Mom was getting out patient surgery so he was with her. He came over yesterday and stayed the night again.

But something much stranger happened. Ok he lost his job at the end of last year and he has be apply with anybody that had an opening in his field. So yesterday he got a call from on place that said that said that he had the job if he is willing to relocate. So he started to talk to me about US relocating I'm like what the heck is his deal. So I told him that he would have to make some serious life choices. I'm not moving any where until I know that we have a furture. Only thing is he has to let the guy know by monday.

I know that sometimes the best thing is to get as far away from OP as possible. So i'm not sure what to do. Plus we will have our home paid off in april. I don't want another morgage.

I would like to make a clean break but I just don't know.

Any thoughts out there would be great

Good Morning

Talk to my Pastor yesterday about what been going on. I told her i'm not sure about anything right now not sure if I even what my M she prayed with me and told me to keep praying that God will give me the answer that I seek.

I think WH is doing what his IC told he to do last summer and that is why he is staying at the house once a week now, that was her idea.

This Wednesday I turn 40. I feel like I've lived in limbo long enough I want to start moving forward.

Marflow,

As an aside, I turn 35 tomorrow!

I would say that you need to take it slowly. If your WH NEEDS to take a job elsewhere, there is no sense in your picking everything up and moving everyone, without REAL recovery. I'm not seeing recovery here. Still fence sitting. How do you feel about the separation?

Wow, you really are in a hard place right now. Don't go with his timeline. You can always move at a later date; I think this is too much, without real commitment.

Also, you are 'on the fence' yourself. Your heart and mind need to be in sync. It takes time for that, and I think with the accident and coming together at the holidays, you have been thrown back into a strange R with WH. He is still wayward...not ready maybe...

Patience...and Happy early b-day to you both!

MF-please do yourself a favor and read hind's feet in high places by hannah hurnard...following that book is moutains of spices...

Reading this book has a lot to do with me being okay right now...I'm able to look at the bigger picture and have patience...

I highly recommend this book, please let me know if you decide to read it...it's the type that you DON'T want to put down...I actually felt like I was the main character for most of the book...amazing!

Wishing you both well! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Silent- I don't have any problem with the seperation its not like we have been together. I don't think OW would like it very much which makes me like it all the more. If he does take the job he will have to leave to get training and I wouldn't go then anyway the training will either be 6 weeks or 6 month depending on what location he takes.

My heart and head was in sync at the first of the year then he comes back around. Maybe he could feel that I was done.

Part of me says screw him he has hurt me to much and then the other part of me says I love him we have two sons and almost 18 yrs together. So I spend a lot of time talking to God to find my way.

Rin- The book you are talking about do you think it would be a the public library?

I'm really not sure to be honest...it's an allegory...

Okay...I just checked our public library and they have it...

http://tess.terrebonne.lib.la.us/TLCScripts/interpac.dll?Search

That way you can see what it looks like and check it out yourself... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


I am SOOOO feeling you on this one!

I understand how you feel, about the tug o war that you suffer when in contact with WH. I understand about the time you've had together, and the love that you have felt for him, especially having children together.

You don't stop loving someone when they are gone, unless that is what you choose. I still love my H, but I'm beginning to get on with my life without him, and wonder what would happen if he DID want to come back. I'm unsure what my response would be at this point; One thing I do know, I would be more calm and clear about that choice, as Plan B affords the time to think and to let the fog clear. When you see your WH, he brings that fog with him, and some residuals stay behind when he exits...

ok talk to WH earlier our YS is have problems in school and I had a parent teacher conference with 5 of his teachers.

While we were on the phone I asked him if he had given any more thought to the job that would require relocation he said a little but that he and I needed to set down and talk. That its time for him to make some choices and that he is ready to do that.

So i need you guys to help me.
1. Would you please pray for us.
2. How should I handle this?

I'm not sure which way he is thinking. There are so many what ifs.

Thanks all of you, you guys have been a wonderful blessing in my life.

LOL, goose...you can't prepare for the unknown...

Listen and repeat when you talk with him...do your best...I have faith in you and my prayers will go out...

You sound so nervous, you've got the big man on your side...

((((((GWTF)))))))

I'm a little nervous. I told a friend of mine last week that i'm ready for it to be over one way or another but now that it might be happening it seems a lot bigger. I'm not sure which one makes me more nervous the idea of recovery of a D.

I think i might be driving myself crazy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> I am alone at work today with not a whole lot to do so my brain is working over time.

Rin- they do have that book at my library so I'm going to try and pick it up today.