this is a situation where

"principles above personalities"

should be the guide

of course a post-affair marriage can exist with the betrayed spouse feeling vulnerable and insecure

and unloved

it's possible, yes it is

and if a betrayed spouse has compelling reasons to accept such a situation because it is the better of two undesirable choices, I do understand

the fact remains

some betrayed spouses do not need to accept a half-recovered marriage for financial or other reasons

some betrayed spouses choose to aim to a higher standard of intimacy than others

principles above personalities

Pep

I haven’t posted in a while because I had to take care of some health issues. I’m back now so I’ll put in my 2 cents worth.

First I would like to thank you for all the responses and opinions! It just shows what works for one person or couple may not work for another.

I can only speak for me and what I “need” to move on. In my case, honesty isn’t a perception; it is a “need”. I’ve always been honest with my H. Why wouldn’t I expect the same respect in return? Radical Honesty is my number one EN. There are very few things I’m sure of at this point in my life but the one thing that is clear is the fact that I will never be happy without total honesty.

IMHO, without radical honesty, what kind of foundation do you have to build the rest of your marriage on?

As I mentioned before, my H is posting on MB too. He was shook up for a couple of days after reading his thread. I’m hoping it wasn’t negative because that won’t help our marriage.

My H and I talked about past relationships in our last scheduled talk. I thanked him for being honest. We are going to talk again tonight.

I only have a minute but wanted to give you an update about our scheduled talk last night.

H and I talked for 3 or 4 hours. We didn’t get very far in our conversation but I think it went well. My gut feeling told me H was being honest. Jennifer wants him to think before he speaks and I have to be patient and allow the “silence” between his sentences. This is hard for me sometimes, but I can do it if it means him telling the truth. One day at a time.

tw, I didnt realize that I interrupted my H so much until our old MC told me to sit there and shut up! LOL It really changed how my H expressed himself when I wasn't finishing his thoughts or rapid firing follow up questions. It sounds like you are making progress! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Aussieswife, I want to thank you for the insight from a WS point of view. I’ve been thinking about everything you said and it helped me gain some perspective. If you don’t mind, I may have other questions for you just to get the WS’s point of view.

As I stated in earlier posts, my H and I both post here but are keeping each others identity secret from each other for now. I believe my H mentioned that you responded to his thread. Thank You! I know he wanted to hear from another WS.

I wish more WS’s would post on MB’s. I’m sure it’s the fear of being “beat up” along with guilt that scares many away. IMHO, the WS’s have so much to offer in helping the BS understand.

Pepperband, it appears that you have the same thoughts and feelings about honesty and standards in a marriage as I do. Your posts helped me get through another day.

Melodylane, I feel like you completely understand me and/or the BS’s feelings. Most importantly, you are able to put those feelings into words. You know the right thing to say, whether it is a 2x4 or words of hope or comfort. Thank You!

H and I talked again last night. It went well but then ended badly. It was my fault. H said something and I felt he was intentionally avoiding the subject. I became angry, walked away and went to bed without saying another word. If I would have opened my mouth there would have been LB’s all over the place.

We are going to talk later today but we both decided to stop if either one of us starts to feel upset, overwhelmed, angry or whatever. I’m going to write down any questions I have. If we aren’t able to discuss it we will mark it to bring up in a different scheduled talk.

The credit card statements haven’t come yet. About every other week we get 24 envelopes from them with the exact form letter in each. The only difference is the month and year we are requesting. They said it could take up to a month to get them.

I’m so tired. I need a break from the thoughts of the A but don’t know how to get it. The nightmares continue every night.

Yesterday, Feb. 14th was one year anniversary of D-Day. I’m not dealing with it very well.

FWH and I didn’t talk much yesterday. I asked a question but as usual, the conversation went in a different direction which goes something like this…..He said he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and he is being honest with me now, etc., etc.

After one hour, I gave up and started watching a movie while H went to sleep. I was so angry inside, I couldn’t go to sleep for a couple of hours.

Tonight, H had to help our son move some things to their new house so we won’t see much of each other tonight.

H has been working so hard to become a better person and H to me. He does so many nice things for me and would wait on me hand and foot if I let him. Why doesn’t this mean anything to me?

I’m thinking seriously about quitting MC. Why spend the money if it’s not helping? It’s been a year now and I don’t feel any better about our M. Why? Am I expecting too much?

are you on anti-depressant?

Yes. The doctor raised the dosage because of what I'm going through.

do you feel level?

If you mean feeling the affect of the higher dozage, yes. The doctor said there is only so much the meds can do for me right now. Time will have to do its part too.

It's just so painful yet.

What do you do for fun?
(don't say MB)

Well you see, I have all these pieces from many puzzles and no idea what the picture looks like. (From Joseph’s Letter).

This has been my life for the last 367 days. I did laugh once in the last year. It was when I read your post about wife-land vs. turd-land. That was great!

H called to get statements for another credit card but was told they charge $25/hour and it would take many, many hours. They said they would have to pull them from the archives month by month and find ours manually from all their customers statements. Strange.

It looks like I’ll never know the truth about that credit card.

Our conversations are still very generic, mostly about work. He wants to limit our conversations to 1 hour. So every time we talk, I get an hour of “I’m being honest with you now but you don’t believe me.” “I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you”. I’m beginning to hate those words. We don’t get anywhere. I’m still at square one.

Is this normal? Has anyone else had this problem?

I haven’t posted in a while because we had to put our dog down. She was very special and our entire family feels her loss deeply.

I realize we are both grieving over the loss of our dog, but it seems the silence between us is still growing.

Does anyone else go through months of feeling their R isn’t improving? Is it me? Was the betrayal too great and I won’t ever be able to get past it?

Sometimes I feel that we are close. Other times I look at him and remember how little he valued our M and my life.

Tonight is our MC session with Jennifer. I need advice on whether I should continue MC.

Running out of hope.

sorry about the beloved dog ....

are you on anti-depressants?

Yes I am on ADs.

H sees progress but I don’t feel any progress. It seems he judges how things are going between us by my need to clear the air or ask a question. If we go for 2 weeks not mentioning the A, he thinks I’m happy and everything is fine.

Do other couples go through this?

[color:"red"]
" Do other couples go through this? "
[/color]

[color:"purple"] ... without a doubt!

We did ....

Pep [/color]

Pep, how did you get through this uncomfortable “pretending” stage? I don’t feel honest pretending I’m happy just to meet his EN’s. I end up stuffing all my feelings inside and not talking about them. I don’t understand how this is going to help our R.

I feel so phony and I don’t like that feeling. While at work I usually don’t have much time to think about the A. On my way home I have time to think and start to feel angry and like I’m second best.

I journaled
I walked ... a LOT
I was eaten up by repressed anger (lol)
I prayed
I made mad-crazy-monkey love with H ... as if I was gonna "take it out on his flesh"
I treated myself to nice things
I went to talk therapy
I went to Al anon meetings
I played with my kids
I started fights with H

..... you know, the usual <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

this was before MB

YOU have a support group

and that is grand

Pep

eventually ... this will fade

I think I had my last really bad day ... (guessing) maybe 4-5 years ago ????