Ok, so he is still stuck on stupid. My Xws said stuff he had to eat. The taste was horribly bitter but he had to eat them....

My question to you is if you are in recovery, what is your H doing to help you heal? How is he helping you get closure?

L.

i have one question right now......why in gods name is it taking so long to go thru the timeline? you pushed for this for so long...and now it is dragging on forever to get it out.....its like dying from a thousand needles. MAKE THE TIME AND GET THRU IT...BOTH OF YOU!


" He now says he just said anything to get me off his back. " that is probably the most honest answer right now. the why of his affair will come.....my husband said some pretty awful things on d-day....why did he do it...."she was hot!" why did he do it....."i wanted to hurt you(ME) in the worse way possible." i could go on and on....the real why----he was a selfish entitled [censored] that didn't realize what he had.....sometimes he still doesnt fully get it. he is a work in progress.....

I suggest that you stop drawing comparisons between yourself and the OW like that. If you want SF to last longer to meet YOUR needs, that's fine. But don't ask for it simply because that's what happened with the OW. I don't think that's very healthy at all.



Do you actually *want* more lengthy SF to meet your needs, or do you want it just because the OW got it?



Whoa - you're having SF with him 2-3 times a day? And you feel inadequate??

Just for comparison purposes, my W and I enjoy SF about 6/7 times a month. It's not marathon SF, but it works just fine for us <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

TW,

Thank you for giving more info and sharing your concerns.

Orchid - "Ok, so he is still stuck on stupid."

ROFLMAO...this is so apt. I'm using this in my head from now on...thank you, Orchid!!

Please take the advice here...do not choose to compare yourself to OW...his A wasn't about you not being enough...it was about HIM not being enough for himself. You're real. A was fantasy.

Choose wisely your beliefs...see your choices. You can heal all the way...you really can.

LA

I agree with Nikko get the timeline out and done with.

MIM is absolutely correct as well.

Is he on the clock when you have SF?

I mean sometimes when the FWW and I have SF it is long and slow. Sometimes it is fast and furious.

I try to please her every time but not always successful.

Sometimes she is pleased rather quickly and others it takes longer.

That usually dictates the duration.

Because of familiarity and the fact I know her well it takes me less time to please her then when we first met.

In addition to that with two kids and a life sometimes we forgo any of the other stuff we used to do before hand like undressing each other.

It is pretty much we both jump in bed naked and start.

So it is different then it was but better because of our time together.

I think when you look and compare in your M where you were then it would be the same.

If your idea is for your H to do every thing the same with you he did with her you will fail in recovery.

I know I wouldn't want to be compared to the OM and I refuse to do it.

Just for the shear fact I would never sleep with a M'd women makes me a better man then him.

Comparing myself to him or what he is or was is a slight against myself.

Thank you everyone. My H will be home in a few minutes so I don't have time to post answers right now. I'll try to post something later tonight.

still waiting.........

It was a very busy weekend. Thank you for all the responses. I'm going to try to answer them all at once.

My H has changed in many ways. Before D-Day, he was emotionally and verbally abusive in many ways. The angry tone of voice he had is gone. He actually listens to me when I talk. He would do everything for me if I would let him. He actually likes going shopping with me now.(He hated it before). This helps, but only the truth will give me closure.

Still stuck on stupid? Maybe just a part of him but to me it's an important part.

My H has lied to me for so many years. He is much more trueful now but I think it's very easy for him to slip back into old ways if I don't confront him.

I did catch him in a lie Friday night. I checked the history on my computer and it showed someone read my thread on MB. H denied it and got very angry at me. I didn't accuse, I just asked.

I don't think he understands the permanent damage he has caused to our M with all the lies he has told since D-Day. Things are still becoming more clear to him all the time but he's not quite there yet.

The timeline has brought out more truth, but, some things I feel he is minimizing. The timeline is dragging on and it is both our faults. This coming weekend we are going out of state for the weekend so there are no interruptions.

We are going to get through it once and for all.

For a few years the medication I was on all but killed my labido. When we did have SF it usually lasted long enough for H to get what he wanted/needed. After SF, he would say "OK, let's get to work". When it did last longer, it was great.

A couple of months before D-Day, my meds were changed and my labido was back but my H didn't want me because he was in the A at the time. We didn't see each other more that 15-30 min. a day.

A couple of months after D-Day we were having SF 2-3 times a day. It continued for quite a while then gradually declined to once a day, and still is declining.

The SF is very different now. He spends more time now on SF with me which is great, but in other ways it's not as fulfilling. Lacking in the sense of the act itself. (How's that for blunt?) I'm having a very difficult time with this.

From what he has been telling me for the last 15 months since D-Day about SF with

the OW, I'm not getting anywhere near the time (the act) he gave to her. No, I'm not watching the clock during SF, well, ok, one time I did. I'm not asking for a marathon.

I don't want to do the things he did with OW. I know OW taught him how to control his breathing so he would last longer. He said there were no "preliminary" activities and almost no talking, just the act.

So what did they do for the daily 1 1/2 hrs., sometimes more. One time it was 3 hrs. Even with driving time, etc. it doesn't add up.

This makes me feel so inadequate. Why or how can he give one woman more than another?

I know I shouldn't compare myself to the OW. She is a user, incapable of love, and uses men for money. A psychopath. She looks like she is such a hard worker when she actually has different men doing her work for her and paying for things. She is a pro at manipulation, lies and the damsel-in-distress routine. In return, she gives them SF. Did I mention she is very ugly? She is like a tomboy with no makeup and doesn't fix her hair.

I am a very honest person with strong morals. I was a very hard worker before being struck with a chronic illness. When I was 16, I was asked to be a model so I must have an ok face. I did gain weight 65 lbs. from medication I started taking. I have since lost 40 lbs. after the meds were changed. The A diet helped too.

I'm having a very hard time understanding how a man can choose to have SF with someone so ugly and gross!

Another reason why I feel inadequate is the OW has had many partners, many hundreds if I were to guess, so she is experienced.

My H is the only partner I've ever been with. Could this have contributed to his A? He always told me I was the best he's ever had. Maybe that was a lie too.

I'm not sure what was true in our 30 yrs of M. Everyone says the A was the fantasy, but I'm finding our entire M was just a fantasy in my mind. H said looking back, he didn't love me as much as he thought he did. He says he didn't know me nor took the time to get to know me. He thought all the things I said to him and did for him was just because it was my Wifely duty and I didn't really feel that way.

H is talking about writing one last post on MB then not posting anymore. He feels kind of beat up. I don't want to see him stop because everyone here is getting through to him and he needs the support. It's a long slow progress but it is helping. The biggest change in him was after he starting posting here.

Sometimes it may look like we aren't taking the advice here, but we are. It just takes some of us longer than others.

Sorry for rambling. I just needed to vent.

how does he feel beat up....he hasnt posted in forever?

He has only told me a few things people have posted to him so I'm not sure why. Last night he did say he was going to write something to post. He was up most of the night so he may have already.

Don't take me wrong. He may feel beat up just because of where our M is at right now. It may have nothing to do with MB at all. I notice he gets this way when he has something weighing on his mind that he is afraid to tell me the truth about. Because we are going out of state this weekend to finish the timeline, he has been very nervous and preoccupied.

Food for thought....BS's always help other BS's on MB, he doesn't understand why FWS's don't help out other FWS's more often. I have wondered this myself.

FWS's farther in recovery have so much to offer those just starting the recovery process. We know they are lurking here all the time. Wouldn't more M's be helped by helping the FWS? Sorry, I'm being analytical again.

he hasn't posted enought to gain their attention.

i have some friends who were waywards on here and if he starts posting again....regularly(that is the key) im sure they will help him.

hang in ther TW....you are doing great.

I want to thank everyone for everything you tried to do for me and our M. I can't take the lies anymore. H can keep the secrets he shares with the OW. As of tonight I know he had no intention of ever telling me the truth.


I can't take the pain anymore!!! I'm done!!!!!!!!!

what the he// happened?????

Nikko,

From reading both threads it seems as though we have a person that has lied that may want to tell the truth but TW isn't creating a safe environment.

TW I have read your statements and quite frankly it seems as though you know he lied and then when he tells you the lie you say see I knew you were a liar. Of course he did.

If he is now giving you the truth you asked for he is showing you that he will do what you want and need to try to recover.

Within the truth now you are comparing what he did with her to you.

He has NC he is out of the Fog it seems and he understands it was just an illusion with her. He chose you. He is with you for a reason.

Look around this board at others who have WS's that arent' at home. Haven't quit the A.

You are miles ahead of them. Do you realize how many BS's here would surely jump into your shoes.

Dealing with old lies not new one's.

I told your H that he messed up but it doesn't entitle him to a life of misery.

You need to decide if this is something you want to hold over him or if it is something you want to try to move past.

If it is over and you will never move past this you should end it.

What he did wasn't fair or right. You got lucky finding a FWS that came to his senses. Seems you don't see that.
You need to be fair. Let him go if you can't get past this.

I would go to an IC.

I have already processed and put away most of the things he told me in the timeline. I haven't held any of this over his head.

The issues we are having currently are about things he has refused to talk about since d-day. Every time I have asked, he changes the subject. We agreed for me to let him know when he does this. I did this last night several times but it only ended in frustration as usual.

The SF issue is not from the timeline. I'm not going to dwell on that issue anymore. I'll just learn to live with the fact he can remember what pleased OW but can't remember what pleased me for 30 yrs.

One example: If you read the 15 Steps of an Affair, H is telling me it went from step 1 to step 15. Am I supposed to say "OK, thank you for telling me the truth"?

(Sorry, frustration here. Not intended toward anyone on MB. I just need to vent.)

If I'm supposed to do this, we would have stopped 15 months ago at "We're just friends". "Oh, OK, thank you for telling me the truth."

I'm confused! Do I only have 3 choices here? Believe him, leave or just live with it and pretend I'm happy and in recovery? What happened to RO?

How do I get past something I don't know about? I need to know the facts in order to get over them.

Thanks for letting me vent.

TW,

No I am not saying that but the human mind is not perfect. He cannot remember every single detail.

Some he may remember after prodding. Some things may not be that important in his mind.

I don't know but it seems to me that he wants go finish the timeline. Let him go through it ask questions then move on or don't.

Not tell me 5 parts now then let me digest for 2 weeks then 10 parts. Then digest for 3 weeks.

The SF thing is going overboard. IF he doesn't please you the deal with that. Not what you think about him with OW.

I have been with some women and you could sneeze on them and they would get off while others took a lot of work. No two really the same.

Do you want to be the OW? I have read how your H works a job then works the busienss then helps you because you are sick.

How about credit for that.

He left the OW. HE has had NC then you call the OW and say he is yours.

How is that a safe environment.

If you are going to threaten him when you feel like you are being lied to he isn't safe.

You are not creating that and if I were him I would probably not be honest too.

TW where can I find this?

Here is one link I have. It's also in Pepperband's thread named "Notable Posts"

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/showflat.php?Number=2868483

troubled....what happened?