Yes, there's other stuff going on. She's now not talking about private school, but she hasn't dropped that in her mind. She switched to I need to give up my side business for a year to show her I love her more than I love it.

I told her I couldn't enthuesastically agree to that and it would ultimately make me bitter, but I would be happy to figure out something with her that puts her first, but where I can still develop my business.

I think the main problem is she doesn't believe in the POJA, she thinks instead I should sacrifice to show I love her. Which is interesting, if you don't believe if the POJA then how do you decide who sacrificies and what they sacrifice and when enough is enough? I sent her an email talking about Aristotle and his idea of a virtuous relationship and how that is consistent with the POJA, I also told her it is similar to what we've read in the Love&Respect book.

Sorry this is so long, here's the 10,000ft summary, then the details:


1. she isn't talking about private school now, hasn't changed her mind though.
2. she now says i need to give up my side business (that is important to me) to prove my love to her
3. she is not interested in using the POJA about my business to come up with a good solution for both of us
4. she says the POJA is not biblical and real love means sacrifice. her reason: Jesus showed real love by sacrificing. she read the POJA, but now won't read any other articles i sent her.

5. does anyone have any biblical evidence/reference regarding the POJA (besides the golden rule)?
6. i have made many changes in the time that i work on the business to accomodate her needs/desires
7. but, she says she won't give 100% to the relationship unless i give up my business
8. she thinks i love my business more than her
9. she does not want to spend anytime with me now; and said she is intentionally not satisfying my emotional needs

Of course, this has nothing to do with private school.


Detailed Version:

A little background....

It's always been my dream to have my own business. I used to work on different software projects trying to get something off the ground. But maybe a year before we got married I started learning about real estate (we have a rent house) and within the last 2 years I started selling on eBay. My goal is to grow those into a family business so I can leave the corporate world... and to do that before my daughter goes to school, so that it doesn't interfere with all the after-school stuff that we will need to do.

I used to work (on my business) at night and on the weekends. She agreed to it, but it made her unhappy, so I switched to only working in the morning before my job (5:00am-8:30am - Which is tough for me since I hate getting up early), and Saturdays (5:00am to 12:00pm). Then she could have alone time where I watched our daugther from 12:00pm to 5:00pm and she could do whatever she needed.

I felt like this was a good POJA-Friendly solution since it considered her need for me to be there with her and the family, and it considered my desire to build my business.

She said she would not be able to give 100% to our relationship unless I proved my love by giving up my business for a year. I think this is very manipulative and totally against the POJA.

Her reason: she believes I love my business/dreams more than I love her. I don't think so. This is very frustrating, I've always wanted a family business but she doesn't want anything to do with it.

I told her I would be happy to renegotiate that time so we could both agree on something fare, and I showed her all the articles about the POJA and other articles about love busters, etc.

The funny thing, my business doesn't interfere with us spending time together. She refuses to spend time with me, let alone satisify my emotional & physical needs. I ask her every night and she doesn't want to. Oh, she'll argue about something, plan someone's birthday with me, or make our grocery list - but she won't spend "time" with me.

I emailed her the article about spending 15 hours a week, but she won't do it. She says she doesn't want to let her guard down.

She's said she hasn't given 100% to our relationship for the last year or so, and hasn't shown me love or respect or (in my opinion decency) in a while. She is very bossy about everything (for example, she doesn't ask me to do stuff, she just says it needs to be done and gets mad if i don't do it - even if it's something I have nothing to do with, like getting something out of the car for her).

Anyways, she said she does not believe the POJA is biblical, and I should sacrifice my business for our relationship and family if I really love them (sounds just like what she said with the private school to me). I showed her this quote and she said she did not believe it was right:

"A caring relationship is not one where a husband sacrifices for his wife or a wife sacrifices for her husband. Instead, a caring relationship is one where a husband and wife care so much about each other that they will not let the other sacrifice for them -- they will not allow the ones they love to suffer so that they can be happy. They negotiate to achieve win-win solutions to all their problems, so that they are both happy with the way they live together."

Of course, she still wants to get divorced and said the night before last "It's over". Then, the next day I email her to ask her how her day is going, and she responds with "Love...", when she hasn't said she loved me in a while. Then, when something goes wrong and she's running late and the navigation system in the car doesn't work right, she calls me and is very mean and rude to me.

I personally think she has some anger and control issues. I think she acts like a child who isn't getting her way.

For example, she wanted a certain recreational toy to bring on camping trip and mentioned she wanted it to me, but did not ask me to buy it for her. We both have our own little non-discretional monthly spending-money. Right before leaving she got very mad because I didn't buy it for her or do any research about it for her. Huh? When did that become my responsibility. I told her if she wanted it she should have bought it. And, I told her I was going to get her one for Christmas if she didn't get one beforehand. She got mad and said she wouldn't have anything to do with it if I bought her won because she was mad. I really don't understand this type of behavior.

Sorry this is so long, does someone have any insight?