Well, most of the time the FWW seems to still lack feeling for their spouse even after the affair has ended, but are considering trying to stay. The advice their generally given is to "fake it until you make it". Actually, that proximity and 'faking it' normally help them to 'make it'.

I'm sure there are examples the other way too...but this seems to be the most common consensus I've seen.

nc,

I don't wanna thread jack, either here, but I've just read most of this post. I'm familiar with MB principles. But honestly, this is just insane. I'm a BS, too. Six months after DDay, and FWH is still in low key withdrawal. I will be darned if I'm going to let him cry on my shoulder about it. I'm not disrespecting you. On the contrary, you ARE a saint. How do you do it? I'm having a hard enough time here, just watching. I want to kick mine in his [censored] and tell him to get over it. I actually did tell him, if I don't see an improvement by Jan., I'm out of this.

I wish I could do what you're doing. I just don't have the strength ...

Owl,

I agree with the "fake it till you make it" and agree with it.

I was wondering more about a ww than a fww.

Like this
I was looking for the other examples.......I just keep trying to figure out why ww's show some affection, then leave anyway.
Are they just "playing nicey nice" till they leave or are they really trying to get those feelings back?

I guess thats the $64,000.00 question, huh?

I think nc007 needs to continue showing her care and love. I was just worried that Mrs.nc007 wouldn't have those feelings back towards him right now and then come to the conclusion that she couldn't "get them back".

JS

Owl,
thanks for the link.

super advice on watching out for that roller coaster. because i know that it is so easy for me to want her to wake up out of this nightmare and say i am sooo sorry - come ere lover boy then some peak action that would make me weak. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Going to your link now.

Your W is lucky to have you. I will imitate the same thing in regards to this "loan".

will check in later with you if i need more advice. You are definitely my source of encouragement.

JS,

You brought up something that i noticed also but i guess subconciously avoided.

I was wondering that staying together in the same room sometimes , like watching tele or something like that, could be an icebreaker in her wanting to talk sometimes.

I might only hug her only. And follow mimi advice about emotionally dating her again.

But JS that is somthing that terrifies me also. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

any input would be appreciated.

Thanks for dropping in on my porch anytime. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

JS you asked:



The MB theory according to my understanding and reading of it and according to Steve Harley is: LOVE is a VERB ( Steve really wanted me to ""GET THIS")..According to Steve's instruction to me, if the BS EVIDENCES the ability to meet the WS' PRIMARY ENs, the WS will "fall IN LOVE" with you again. During Plan A, my WH did not evidence that he was responding to my PLAN A BEHAVIORS because he was still getting ENs from the OW. But my PLAN A BEHAVIORS were having an effect and he was BEGINNING to fall "IN LOVE" with me AGAIN. So, at the point of EARLY RECOVERY, although he continued to miss the OW because of the ENs she met, he was responsive to me and began to allow me to meet more and more of his ENs and HE BEGAN TO MEET MINE. Make sense?

The important take home message is: LOVE IS A VERB....

I don't know if it's different for men or women but I THINK NOT according to the MB theory. According to MB, the key is to focus on MEETING the ENs....

Owl,

Is this where "fake it till WW makes it" really applies to her.

Is/could she do it out of guilt?

Maybe that where your wisdom about telling her to focus on the here and now is really worth it.

I dont know.

forgot to mentioned that she said this morning that she is going to the gym, then to the sauna, then to the spa while we are at the Ritz.

good to see her planning her weekend.

Owl, like you said. The here and now.

RLT,

I myself is just 5 months out, I didnt feel anywhere near to comfort her. It was reading something from MB website where SH said that she was likely to turn to someone for comfort, and that person might be you.(in my case me)

It is totally crazy i know. but it prayerfully will deposit sizable amt of LD$$ into her account.

Also read in the bible that this is how God is with us.
(Hosea)

Now i personally think that thru all this, i understand that the thing that hurt God as intense as sin is doubt that He loves us. Doesnt it hurt us when our WS think that we are not really in love with them and waiting to use this "sword" against them?

I am no saint. Just inSANEly in love with a creature of God. MY wife, my LOVE...........sometimes i just dont know why?

maybe compassion mixed with i 2x4 might do the trick for you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

oh yeah.....and some pretty hardcore <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />, radical <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />, raunchy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />, PROTECTED sex......nuke his mind. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

mimi,

I like the thought process.And the fact that it is coming from a wife is good too.

I think that my WW EN's are 1: Security 2:Affection 3:Conversation 4:Family 5:SF

She at times states that she hates all men and that they are just users.(dont know if she had ever put OM in this category)

So getting a new job and moving to a new location is what i am currently working on now.

learning so much from you.

The OM did USE HER.

She will EVENTUALLY see him for what he REALLY is...

You are "MY BROTHER". I strongly share your religious viewpoint...beautifully and wonderfully said..

You are "IN LOVE WITH A CHILD OF GOD"....

The LORD is CARRYING YOU THROUGH THIS..CHRIST, THE SOLID ROCK...that's what I would tell myself: "ON CHRIST, THE SOLID ROCK I STAND, ALL OTHER GROUND IS SINKING SAND"....


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

5x5 mimi (loud and clear).

5x5

I am encouraged to face tonite.you were sooo right about focusing on my DS.

It does wonders, maybe that is WHY even now i fight for my family. The look in his face, the destruction of this little world, would be totally unbearable to me.

I WILL LOVE HER until God decides otherwise.

PS is hugging from behind OK? too much?

RLT:

Are we having a bad day?

NC's WW is greiving the loss of her affair. He can help her thru it, or let her find her own solace, whatever that might be. (OM, new OM, alcohol, silence, etc.)

That is why NC shouldn't talk to her about why she is crying (the OM), just mumble his support, his love, his desire to be there for her by allowing her to cry.

For example:

Your H owns a dog before you are M'ed. It's a mangy mutt and you don't like dogs, but it looks like it isn't going to survive long anyway.

Later, after you M, the dog dies. Husband is torn up over this. During the former regular feeding time, he reacts and starts to cry, and even though you didn't like the dog, you comfort your H. Why, cuz you love him and he needs the support right now.

Now, from the tone of your post, you would respond, "Get over it, it was a mangy old dog, and soiled the carpet everyday, and I am glad its gone and I can not understand how you can miss it. Stupid Dog! Be a man!"

Yes, your H had an A. Reasons not important right now, for the sake of this post.

Hopefully, the A is over, the reasons for this not important right now for the sake of this post.

And your husband is greiving. He lost something important to him. What he lost and the pain he is suffering he deserves from your point of view. This is true. But he is still greiving. You can tell him to get over it, or you can decide to help him thru the process faster.

I AM the FWS. Did I cry on my wifes shoulder about the OW? No. But I did cry about my actions and the things that brought me to that point. THe devestation I brought to my M. My lack of care for her. And I revealed what she wanted to know about the A and we discussed and argued and yelled and cried about what was going on in the M both Pre A, during the A and Post A. So, I got it out there, and was able to deal with it. This site helps me deal with it. I would like to think I can help others, give them some hope.

Your H, like NC's W, need support, it helps to break the A and the longing. Brings them closer to you. THAT is what you want right?

If your H is stone silent and non-responsive, then none of the above matters. If your H was reached out to you for support and you said that it was his problem to work out, THEN you have missed an opportunity for a stronger M. Somewhare in the middle of these two extremes is where your relationship is, I hope.

Thanks for the welcome NC007,

I am at the 6th month point and very much getting the same from my wife as you are from your wife.

This thread is helping more than just NC007.

Please stay around FWWs, like NC007, I to love to hear from you. Kinda like fighting fire with fire. I will be the frist to tell you that I don't know women, but I'm learning a lot here.
thanks everyone,
M2L

wow,
LG i never looked at it that way.

It causes me to look even closer at my love and even feel more compassion for her. Is this right, wise, logical?

I dont know.

Its just that she is hurting and i guess she needs comfort.

LG.............will that make me a fool? in terms of being at risk of being duped or walked on in the future?

How do you temper emotions with wisdom in cases like there?

RLT. Please listen to this advice its good.

NC:

You do what feels right to you. That can never be the wrong thing. You have been here and you know about the MB Principles and Plan A/Plan B.

If holding your WW feels right, then comfort her. Let her grief be comforted by YOU. Who's building love bank units now?

If after a while, she decides to divorce you, despite all your efforts, then it doesn't matter, you tried to do the right thing, what you believed to be the right thing. And for that, there is no shame.

And if you succeed and then fully win her back and she ends up posting here like some FWS, It doesn't matter either.



Wisdom is gained through experience. (Wisdom is controlling LB's, for example) Emotions are raw and on the sleeve. Sometimes, to win the heart of somebody, you can not be controlled by the wisdom, you can only be controlled by your heart. If you gained alot of wisdom, but showed your WS no kindness, and then she left, it doesn't matter. So, show her some kindness.

Does not mean being a doormat, or needy. And you do not need to facilitate her grief, only help her through to the other side.



Turn this around a bit. Say she found you crying, unexpectedly, you thought she was asleep, etc, and she put her arms around you, and said that she was sorry the pain she caused, would you think that this was a good sign? YES! The reverse is true, she is crying, and in pain, and needs your comfort. You acknowledge that she is in pain, but not the OM. That you are there for her.

I try to acknowledge my BS's pain daily. In some small way. To make it less.

F2L,

No matter which way it goes. We will be so much wiser for it.

I echo the call if FWW could also help us understand their mindset at this point.

Good to see you here.

About the loan....don't pay it back. If he wants it back then he will have to sue but then he would have to tell his new wife about loaning $$$ to a married woman he was cheating on her with just before they were married. I thinks the odds are he will write it off!!!

This is my opinion.

When my H hugs from behind, I take it as meaning MORE than AFFECTION and it eventually leads to that.

I would let your W take the lead right now in the SF department.

More than anything else right now I think she is wanting..as I have said before..NURTURANCE and AFFECTION...you taking care of her and comforting her...

BTW, Lousy sounds just like my FWH in many respects...scary how this all seems to be SCRIPTED...

RL..LISTEN UP....

My H is extremely AFFECTIONATE so I was thinking of some neat things he does that might help you out. One special thing I like is for him to GRAB and TAKE my hand when we are walking into a store or restaurant, etc...I feel like he's PROTECTING me from the bad guys or demonstrating "I'M PROUD, THIS IS MY WOMAN"...he brings me my coffee EVERY MORNING..has done that for years..EXCEPT during the A years...washes the dishes...I DIDN'T APPRECIATE HIM AND TOOK HIM FOR GRANTED..YUCK..Of course, I'm loving him up NOW.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

ILF,


Welcome to my drama series. Pull up a chair. your $0.02 welcomed anytime.really appreciate you chiming in.

OK based on the consensus, i will not be paying back that loan or remind WW of it either.

So to me that will have to rest.

Mimi, i didnt hug her from behind last nite, so i will avoid that now. GREAT tip on the holding hands though.

I will do alot of that on our trip to the Ritz.
I make her Tea every morning. I think i need to wake her up with tea in my hands in the future. I like how it makes it more personal.

thanks again for that awsome tip.

LG,

IT is great to have a perspective from a FWS.

I tell WW almost every nite before i go to bed,"if you need someone to talk to, i am here wake me up."

is this overdone?

Last nite i asked her about how she was feeling and her reply? "mixed"

i said,"I wish that sometimes i could come thru the phone and comfort you"

she looked at me,closed her eyes then changed the subject. DS was with us.

i am taking all input from you seriously. I really appreciate your insight.

So lay off the "talk to me bit", be neutral, or what?

waiting with baited breath (mint flavored for WW)