Mimi,

Guess what? wifey told me yesterday that she spent our money off shopping. I replied well please leave enough to pay our bills.
she replied that she dont care.

later that nite she came with her shopping bags from the mall. And said these are the stuff i got.

I remembered pre-A how i use to grumble about getting stuff for us and it wasnt really necessary.

So i did a 180.

I was all over the bag ,in excitement to look at what she got for herself.

SURPRISE!.....nothing for her but for me alot of underware ,shorts and pants. then she asked me to guess who much she spent. i guess too high. When she told me i was floored!

I didnt stop praise her last nite. How she is doing an awsome job getting stuff on sale for us. for me.

later on she said....now get this,
"I WISH WE COULD GO TO SOME OTHER ISLAND AND START OVER"

i said to her" i am way ahead of you, just getting things in order and that will take time. But i will do whatever it takes to secure your future, my family future."

Got a darn tooth ache.arrrrgggggg. I hate dentist needles.

anyway last nite was good. for me.Hope i filled some EN.

ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL!!!!

Great, too, on your emotional sensitivity to her.

Not good ...but I'm guilty of it too..using SHOPPING to UPLIFT MY MOOD..common among WOMEN, I think. At least she was economical and bought stuff for you. That's EXACTLY what I do to appease my H's economic concerns... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

WONDERFUL!! WONDERFUL!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

nc ... any room left on your porch?

I just love reading this thread. It is so hopeful. And you seem like such a wonderful human being. Your wife will one day know how truly lucky she is.

I'm going to mull over what you and LG said. Try to drum up some new ways, here. Ugghh. I will pray I have it in me...

RLT,

You can kick off your shoes and lay back anytime. Just hang. I will get you some lemonade with crush ice. catch up with you later.

Patience,compassion and love.Let him be in awe of that.from the point where he is at.

If he is foolish enough to leave you then he will miss the best thing in his life.....you.

sorry just rambling.

((((RLT)))))

Her "island" comment was encouraging, IMHO. It means she IS starting to see the possibility of a future with you.

Do NOT point this out to her tho...hehehe.

I really do think that you did a great job handling that whole situation...THIS is plan A at work.

Try to make your HOME that island she's looking for. It sounds like you're getting that done...keep it up. Let her start feeling safe there, and safe in coming to you with her feelings. Even when she's hurting over the loss of OM.

Great job man. Keep it going!

NC:

This is good. She brought you gifts. If she was truly still in the fog, she would have bought them for herself. (Or OM wedding gifts, EEEKK!)

This is still Independent Behavior however. You didn't have the money for what she bought. This needs to be addressed before long. Your response was appropriate, because you needed to support her, but you also need to let her know where you stand financially. That is a conversation for another day, but soon. Us WS can spend the money if allowed to.



Yes, it may be very important for you to go to another island. That is a physical manifestation of the breaking from the bad habits of your past M.
Let her know that "you can start over, right here, right now. Is she onboard?" Her statement is indication that the fog is clearing as well.

Discuss your MB priciples here, introduce one of them at least, and start discussing how your life and your M will be different because of this.

OWL,

I like that, make my home the "Island that she wants to escape to."

I wont point it out.

It is hopeful though. I cant stop smiling about it here at work.

love your wise insight."possibility of a future with me."

She rarely want to talk about her feelings though. I realize that long ago she shut off from me her concerns and did not know how to talk to me.How blind i was back then!

I pray that i get a real second chance to show that i have changed this particular trait.

LG,

I cant account for all funds spent. But i am planning to show her our financial situation, just need to figure out how to do it in a loving way.

I am seriously thinking about leaving my country and moving to another. It will take time though. 3- 4 years in fact.

Introduce her to the principles of MB.

Can i start with the rule of protection? about how i am learning to protect her feelings, etc.

what do you think?

NC-

One thing..."Owl" and "wise" aren't the same thing here...I'm FAR from wise. I'm just opinionated. Feel free to ask around on MB and you'll get the consensus. LOL!

NC:

I am an accountant, so it made financial stuff easy for me.

Harley has some worksheets and information in HNHN to help with the process, if you do not know where to start. Plus, he gives info on how to start and continue the conversation.

As a caution, if she isn't working, and you are, then they can feel that they do not have much control.

Just lay out how much is coming in, and where it goes. You have to two types of expenses, mandatory and discretionary. Mandatory is House payment or rent, electric, insurances, etc. Discretionary is food, (total amount, you do have to eat!) phone, entertainment, kids activites, cable, clothing, etc. You will need about fifteen expense catagories. You do not have to have absolute numbers, and work in some "rainy Day" money, or "Mad Money" for unexpected things, etc. Oh, and "Pay Yourself First" Meaning, put something in savings or investment accounts First, so that it is there later.

This is where the policy of joint agreement comes in. Here's how much comes in, and this is where it has to go. And you can discuss it.

If the clothing budget is $500 per year, and she just spent $100, then next time she only has $400 available. Still get to shop, but you know how much you get to spend. Celebrate the savings and thriftiness that she does show.

Also, you can tell her you are going to start looking at a budget now that things are clearing up, and to be prepared to move to another island if that is needed. Plants the seed for the later conversation, and your worksheet.

Another Island??? I planned on going to Jamaica with my wife and meeting up with you and your wife after we all work out our problems. Your know, after our wifes tell us how wrong they were and how soryy they are. Man if that day comes I'll meet you and your wife and buy the first round.

Hang in there and keep up the good work,
M2L

M2L,
you got yourself a deal!

I know that patience is the key,It is so easy to forget that.

last night she was "possessed again,grumbling foggese" but not at me.

Then i told her be careful on the roads. hearing of too much accidents lately.

she replied "Will you stop it?!"

man i was lucky that i learnt poker face from you all.

I just left as if it didnt faze me.

then this morning she was really quiet now and again. During one of those times,i asked her if she was OK.....she said just alot of thoughts on her mind.

I said OK....nothing else.

Tomorrow is the Ritz.

Any final input from my trusted panel. Still more space on my porch.

She is suggesting to put our DS into his room.

(He has been in our bed since the A)

Maybe i am reading too much into it.

It just make me smile when i think about it.........ahhh....the possibilities.

I was thinking, is it OK to just HUG her when i am in the moment tomorrow nite. I am trying for the intimacy angle.
What do you guys think.

SF will almost happen. She knows that language. I just want to "connect........without words, with just a hold" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />


am i off base?

Sounds good NC...just be CAUTIOUS.

Take your time and don't rush her. If she says all she wants is to be held...ACCEPT THAT.

This will likely take time before she gets to that point.

NC007,

Your wife told you to "stop it" when you told her to be careful. I get the same things now and then. I will see the weather forecast for the day (my wife didn't) and I tell her to get her heaver coat and she goes off a little. Like you, I just let it go. I guess ww are close to the same.

Right now I'm not giving hugs or anything too clingy. I don't want to put too much pressure on her right now. So I would not go too far with the touchy feely right now. I might be WAY off base. Maybe someone else will come along and correct me.

Good sign about your son. Anyway you look at it he should be in his own room. This way even if SF does not happen at least you two are alone to talk or just sit in silence. I have read many times where the WS may not want to talk, but just sit in the company of the BS. The BS should not start the talking, but simply just be there. Maybe just an are around her shoulder.

I had IC with Steve H yesterday and he told me that in order for the WW to feel in love with us NC007, that we must do the work, not them. We have to be so good and caring that they see it and fall in love with us agian. This is where we can't LB or AO or DJ - i guess the poker face helps here.

Have a great time at the Ritz
PS it's about 34 degress F here today.
M2L

AMEN!! It was so helpful for you to share this!!!!

Hi mimi (the loving mad one)

I agree whole heartedly. My heart tells me to do this. But i dont want to overdo it.

M2L,

thank you for that gem.

WW sounds excited about it. gave her a call (based on mimi's advice from HNHN) and said i will give her the booking details via email.

want to tell her go get nail polished or something to lift her spirits but i am afraid.

what do you think?

Do you mean a GIFT of a MANICURE?

If so, ASK her if that's what she wants.

She might prefer something else like a PEDICURE or EYEBROW WAXING from the SPA!!

GODDESS MIMI....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

She also has a CD that i know came from OM she now hides it out of my sight.

That irks me. Do i leave that alone for now?

Do i take it out and scorch it?

what............because its like having a "trigger" around when she use to openly play it in the car.

what do i do?

Wait until it's an easy target, and put a big 'ole scratch all the way across it so that it won't play anymore, then put it back and act like you know nothing on the subject! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />