It was so hard to work up the courage the first time around and yes it DID work!

now i just dont know if its the shock of actually seeing WW still wanting OM after being married..........It does something to your self-esteem.

If i pull that trigger, then i know that whatever happens , it was my decision.

Please do not be frustrated with me ..........I know what to do. I need the strength (just like the first time to do it)

I know what is at stake.

Thanks all.

At least i can feel true love here.

((((NC))))

I'm not frustrated with you.

I had my spells of what you are going through.

I stumbled and fell zillions of times and had to get right back up on the horse.

I'll share with you what I came to know and believe.

More than anyone else God loves you, NC.

HE will always be there for you and will support you, hold you up, in your FIGHT against this EVIL PREDATOR...who is trying to destroy you, your wife, your family..rob your son of an honorable mother..Plus, think of what he is doing to his new wife...EVIL...

You have the SOURCE for COURAGE and SELF-ESTEEM. Believe in HIM. Believe in fulfilling what GOD wants you to do as the PROTECTOR of your family and HE WILL CARRY YOU THROUGH....

We are all PRAYING FOR YOU and most definitely understand your fears and your struggles...

I know it is tough for you, I know what you feel, what your days look like. I know what it is to be alone. Please do not mistake that for true love. I suggest to you that true love awaits you NOT in cyberspace but in the waking world that you live in, perhaps with the woman you married, perhaps not.

Give yourself a chance. You are not nearly as needy as you appear. Stand up and take your position and when she asks you through her tears and anger how could you have done something so cold hearted as to tell the other man’s wife of their affair you dispassionately answer, “I did it because I am fighting for our life, our marriage and our family. That is why I did it, nothing more, nothing less.”

Remember, you are fighting for her love, not ours. You will be OK just as soon as you realize that, you will be OK. Simple, but I know it is not easy, simple but not easy.

Do not be like the battered wife who will not take action to alleviate her abusing husband simply because she content to at least be married.

Your life awaits you the only question remaining is, “will you claim it?”

Mr. G

NC:

Remember, OM are chicken. Told you that.

ANd it will make you irresitable to WS later!

My WW is in a very confused place right now.

The last profound discussion I had with her she said that she wanted to take the lead and initiate intimacy, as well as to not tell her that she cannot talk to OM as a friend in the future. (Yes folks we are DEFINITELY dealing with RA).

Plan A has obviously had an impact on both of us……….me in terms of my changed character and her in terms that of late she is commenting about them positively. Every night (up to last night) she asks me to sit beside her and watch tele. I have found out that in taking care of our DS and putting him to bed early has paid dividends……I am loving it.

Side effect? It allows time for WW to talk to me about things on her heart. Last night was about the urge to smoke and feeling depressed. Yesterday we placed an ad in our papers for sale of pups. OM called the # and I answered. No response…….i looked at WW and said “ this “person” doesn’t want to answer your #”

She looked at the # and waved to me to terminate the call. She earlier had plans to go by her sister to get help with her projects…alone.

She asked if I could come with her. I said sure. So off we went for the entire day.(Rule of Time)

Late that night as we were trying to sleep and she heard me sniffling. In the dark she asked….”why are you crying?”

LOL
Me: “ I am not crying”
WW: “what then?”
Me “ Sinus problem”
WW “ Are you sure?”
Me “ Yes….”

Then it occurred to me..maybe its WW way of starting a convo……

So I asked “ are you OK?”
WW “no”
Me: “What is on your mind?”
WW: I am confused..very confused, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to wake up.
Me: Why
WW: Life is so hard….you are ok…I just wish I could blot out times in my life

I just remained quiet……

WW continued “ life is so hard and I just feel lost in it….”

There was so much more, but I cannot remember everything. I just listened.

After she finished I said that I am here, was , is , and God’s willing always will be. Told her that she is an individual and will never compare her with anyone. She is unique, beautiful, and our DS loves her very much…..

Don’t remember anything else, but I remember being strangely aroused by all this open talk. So I wanted to leave the room.

WW asked where am I going? I said to the living room. She asked why I replied that I have to just walk a little(how do you tell a WW that you were turned on by openness?)

Anyway she asked again why I had to go which led to me sitting by her side to actually having hard lovely SF. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

After she mischievously asked why I “jumped her” . I really felt bad about that.
This morning I had a good time preparing everyone for work this morning and getting there. i am getting nice kisses on the mouth now. And a lot of active communications in the car as she talk about her teen years and some past sports achievements. I listened with rapt attention.

Then I email her about something she said in the conversation this morning. She replied in an “interesting way”

ATTENTION::::::::

WW just came to my office to spend I little time trying to do business here. After a little chit chat I told her why what happened happened (you follow that?). I told her that her openness to me had caused me to bond in an intimate way and caused me to become aroused. She grinned and said so you get turned on from my pain?

I quickly said NOPE. But shared how I loved our openness and I appreciated how she shared her feelings with me.

She mumbled something about hanging for lunch if she had time.

Then we kissed goodbye and she left.

I am praying earnestly and hoping that God grant me wisdom and love in this time now.

I realize though that a little more often she is talking to me about how she is feeling and like her desire to smoke and all. And I just don’t have the coping skills to effectively relate.

Any advice?

Feeling a bit better.

Sounds like you are making great progress. Congrats!

NC:

This is the amazing thing. As the H&O between you and your spouse returns, Your desire for her will get even greater.

I understand completly what you are going through. (The rolls were reveresed, in my case, however)

But, after Dday, and learning about EN's and having conversations with BS, Intense feelings followed, and it was manifest in the ways you described. And that satisfaction did not happen right away. But those physical reactions were the reflection of how you appeear to be reconnecting with WS. Those are Love Bank Deposits! She is filling yours. Because she is opening up.

Good luck. Remember that there are still rocks in the road ahead. But, you are beginning to enter a new realm in your M. Keep it up.

And keep letting her know that you will help her with her pain. Don't forget the dog story. Kick the OM, but love the W.

NC - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

You are creating a PASSIONATE MARRIAGE...

WONDERFUL....

My H is the same way as you, NC...

THE CLOSER HE IS TO ME EMOTIONALLY, THE MORE HE DESIRES ME...

I think that's the way it's supposed to be....in a MARRIAGE...

I think that's part of GOD'S PLAN FOR MARRIAGE....


I still say though that you've got to deal with that OM..calling your wife...need to change that number...and speak to his wife....

Good stuff, my brother....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I know FOR A FACT that only because of Gods grace and great advice here, i am where i am.

RA is what i think it was and probably still is.

I still feel that my "jumping her" might have withdrawn some.

What hiker said though about RA is echoing in my mind. Alot.

Also i am fearful of a call i got this morning from an ex co worker.
she knew what i was going thru and she was sympathetic to me. Now her relationship is in trouble and she called me. (SS sounds familiar). She is beautiful and is 15 years younger than WW. I realize how easy it is to stray.

Almost too easy.

I told her about MB principles and my faith to be a husband till the end.

then i left it alone.

It was wierd........

So is it normal for WS to call themselves "hethen and slu**" and the other grand words?

I told her that i didnt see her that way and i will always love her.

she says it now and again as if to try convince herself that it is the way.....so when she does it i just go quiet and look at her.

I AM STILL on the roller coaster right?

Hey CW welcome to my porch! sit back and relax and enjoy some cool breeze from Jamaica.!

LG,
so the "turn on by H& O" is normal?

i am glad that is the case. I am praying that the momentum from our weekend continues.

LG any advice as to how to proceed from here ? any pitfall to watch out for?

PS why does she call herself a "hethen" is this normal? will WW then decide that it doesnt make sense to stay?
(she express alot of thought and confusion/wish she wasnt alive, etc.)

how do i convince her to go to an IC?

still not wearing her marriage ring.

well LG there it is!

NC,

Stay away from the ex co-worker. I know you know that, but just seeing it in writing sometimes helps set it in stone.

You big lighthouse you!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

M2L

M2L,

Yes sireee! and when i need a good kick in the [censored] i know that you can do it!

thanks!

You know.....its the ups and down i cant deal with.
Hey MIMI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOVE YOU GIRL !!!!!!!!!!!

mimi,
question........ahhhhhhhh....please read between the lines.

I dont want to rock the boat. so is it ok at times to make sure she is taken "care of only". then i can go to sleep? i really at this point dont "need" her now.

I was thinking WW in bliss because of my "playing paino" the sleep could also be good?fill up affection? i dont know.

only of course when she is "leading"

thanks.

hope i am not too foward.

and yes i am looking at the "pink elephant in the room that needs to be delt with"

how do you deal with RA? i feel that now and again the fog "rolls in".

take care mimi.

give your H a "taste of things to come"

This is probably a question that is best answered by a FWW but from my vantage point, speaking from what a woman might want, she would like for you to ASK HER so that she can TALK TO YOU specifically about what she wants and needs right now in that department...what she likes and does not like....

I think she would find TALKING TO YOU about this to be ROMANTIC.....

Come to think of it, I find it LOVING when my H makes sure to make it a point to take care of me....and he definitely knows how to do this...so I do think you are definitely on the RIGHT TRACK....

The key is for her to FEEL LOVED....IMO.....

NC:

As your WS exits the FOG, what they see is their acts cast in the light of day. And then the WS starts seeing their acts through the eyes they used to have, before the A, and how they would have reacted to someone who was doing the things that they were doing, hence the "heathen and Ho" routine.

Sometimes, they use it as justification for leaving the BS, "How could you love me when I am damaged this way?"

You are in the tender spot. She could go either way. But your senses are telling you that she is leaning, and leaning heavily, to stay with you. Hence, your lighthouse state. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> I mean that hasn't been happening before has it? This is a change in you...

As for the terminology: "jumpin her" I could take this two ways through the above filter. She really enjoyed your display of emotion, and wants to reconnect even more. Or, she was interested in more, and just slow down abit with her. I do not mean that SF needs to wait several days, I just mean several Minutes... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Continue the conversation. Let her lead, and be an active listener. Thats what happened both in the bed and in the car. Thats what she needs to know to stay. This type of conversation leads to intimacy and emotional connection. I.E. love bank filling.

Perspective here: And this is my opinion....!

A man, when he moves past the OW, and back to BW, he may never, ever utter words of real contrition or remorse to BWS. He may describe the A in whatever detail the BWS wants. But he may not ever apologize to BWS. And BW will accept this because they realize that other changes have taken place and a better person has emerged. Somewhere from full contrition to basic stonewall. Full Contrition by the WH is rarely achieved around here. But men will move off of basic stonewall a bit. You have to ask my BW where I stand with her. I do not believe she would give me a Full Contrition grade, and if I assume F/C is a 1, with stonewall a 10, I think she might give me a 2.5.

A woman, when they move past OM, may offer many levels of apology to the BH. Because they have done things that they would not forgive in a man, and they seek forgiveness of these acts. Many WW will offer full contrition, a significantly larger percentage then men. And the WW's feelings of NOT being a "heathen and a Ho" need to be validated by you constantly. Let them know that they can be that way with you anytime, just no one else. This is the process of the alien removal and fog clearing. You do not have to "forget" thier actions, but you can mimimize your hurt and thiers by reaffirming your faith in them. So, that is accepting that they are hurting from the loss of something, that while distaseful to you, was something to them. And then nuturing them back to a healthy marriage.

I am simplifying here. Someone once asked where all the Formerly Wayward HUSBANDS are around here, seem to be a number of Formerly Wayward WIVES, needless to say lots of betrayed of both sexes. And the above two paragraphs speak to the reason this is so.

Hail all my family,

So last night as we were going home, we had a liviely discussion about .....well nothing. just chatting. DS was asleep and we were just crusing home.

Then some song came on the radio that stirred the still of the night.

She was talking about the song and how the girl was telling her boyfriend/fiancee that she can get him replaced in a minute...to the left. (Beyonce Knowles)

a remained quiet and just listened. (This can be a powerful tool i am finding out)

Then she said to me " Look i said it before and i will say it again...when you are ready to leave me, let me know . Because i know that i did alot of things to DESERVE you to divorce me....I know that i can be replaced in a minute."
I was amazed....prayer DOES work.....GOD DOES LISTEN TO ME.......and it is wonderful to see my WW peek her head out of the fog, even if its just for a minute.

I replied...."i never respond to you before in this regards, but i will now......make me (leave her)"

i continued saying that love is a verb (thanks mimi) and i am not going to just say it but live it.

WW said something about when i wake up at a later date and realize what she has done then i will become angry, then put her out.

i told her that i am me (profound huh?) i am an individual and i dont conform to the standards of "Men" around me. I WILL be here until she decides otherwise.

Later on i made her dinner,Tea and gave her a foot massage. then tuck her in bed.

She took some cards that i made for her on Valentines day to show her boss,8 cards celebrating each year that we were married for.Each unique as well as our wedding invitation to give her ideas.

Her boss is getting married next year, I thought "this is different."

i pray daily that we grow TOGETHER in HAPPINESS. On a high now. looking out for that dip.

PS this morning she told me that she changed her ring tone, but dont remember what it was so i rand her # then she said " Oh that was it...."

I looked at her and leaned over and gently kissed her on the lips. then whispered

"I love you"

kissed again when i came out of the car.

I pray today will be a good day.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Do you have the ability to burn CDs?

I have some song recommendations.

Your FWW may be like me and some other women..with her music speaking to her....

How about "ALWAYS BE MY BABY" by Mariah Carey?

In case you didn't know, I'm a major fan of hers.

Does she like R&B?

oh ****** yes!!

that is such a darn good idea.

taking any and all song suggestions.

sorry no country western.

body and soul really.

mimi
incase i never said it before..........YOU SO ROCK!!!!!!