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She starts to call me now at work now and again.
somehow the lines seemed blurry between withdrawal and recovery.
*****I get the same stuff NC007, the calls for no reason, and not too much withdrawal. Sure my wife has guilt and down times, but not too much. It's hard to read somtimes.
of late i am feeling a little wierd, i noticed that its so easy to talk to coworkers about things from another perspective and understanding emotional needs and boundaries, etc. MB stuff......the wierd thing is i think it is not a good thing to do.
*** Agian, I feel the same way towards other. I understand more when talking to other people and I'm not quick to judge them like I used to.
Why?
FEMALE co-workers are asking all types of questions and opening up about issues in their lives. Not good.
***** I don't think it is that bad because you know so much more now than before. You can see things happing before they play out kinda. Add this to your boundies and I think you would know how to handle yourself around females when it gets wierd.
I dont feel needy anymore...just strangely detached.
**** same again here about strangelt detached
good/not good i dont know, i just pray that WW really sees that i am trying to be the best H i can be and a good father. How long should i wait before love on her side "chips in". M2L
M2L
ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06
Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery funny M2L. funnny.
by the way, did the OM ever call? I cant wait for that update.
You are so "fortunate" that your WW was in an EA, mine had a PA AND EA (so it was sorta rought on me)
How is she doing now?
hope things are improving.
mimi,
thank you for your 18-wheeler running over my head. I am not being guarded. i get a "buzz" i guess from all the knowledge i got here and i guess i like the warmth of playing with this fire.
no more, that a promise to not only my wife but to God,
thanks again.
I dont know where to say at what stage i am at. I am just suspicious of everything now even when i dont have a reason to. I still feel hurt in many ways and i am trying to process them. Somewhere inside me feels dead and i cant put a finger on it.
maybe i need to see that this is all she can give now.....maybe i need someone to tell me that i am getting there, maybe i am waiting for her to say something profound.......maybe i am on these boards too long.........i dont know mimi.
but thank you for making me walk the straight line.
nuff luv,
NC.
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I stand corrected by mimi on the female part.
What are you wanting in terms of "love on her side chipping in"?
I don't know about NC007, but I feel a little the same way. Yes I'm getting some things from my wife also, but I guess I just want it all back like before the A. Back to when we were happy. But (there's the but) like EVERYONE of the pros here say - it takes time.
NC007 please jump in, it's your post.
M2L
M2L
ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06
Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery funny M2L. funnny.
by the way, did the OM ever call? I cant wait for that update.
You are so "fortunate" that your WW was in an EA, mine had a PA AND EA (so it was sorta rought on me)
How is she doing now?
hope things are improving.
NC007,
No OM has not called, may never. My wife thinks that he owes me an apology though. I could give a d### myself.
Things are good day to day on our end. I think Bob pure said it best "she is there with me, but not contributing much." We will be leaving for the big city next week for two days to get away from the kids and Christmas shop. I have tickets to a play. Nothing romantic at all, just light fun. My wife is looking forward to it, so am I.
Thanks for asking,
M2L
M2L
ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06
Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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NC: b0b Pure can address some of this: I dont know where to say at what stage i am at. I am just suspicious of everything now even when i dont have a reason to. I still feel hurt in many ways and i am trying to process them. Somewhere inside me feels dead and i cant put a finger on it. Parts of you may never be alive again. They are dead. You will have to start watering new parts of your life. As for this: maybe i need to see that this is all she can give now.....maybe i need someone to tell me that i am getting there, maybe i am waiting for her to say something profound.......maybe i am on these boards too long.........i dont know mimi. NC, you may never get this. Sorry. Some WS never come around on this. But she is coming your way. You have to determine how much you want. Review username Oswald threads He is six years out. And can really show you were you can get to. It ain't perfect, but it isn't what existed before. M2L: Please note the above. You do not want to go back to what you had before. Your WS had an A then, didn't she? You have to go to the new M. Where you both have been changed. It's very tough. MOre later, have to run, going to lunch with W! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> Weather is 65 today!
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LG,
I for sure don't want to go back to a M that was A bound. I guess I wan't clear on my part. I meant to express wanting to get all the good feelings back - all of them without the bad A feelings. I know the old M is dead and a new better one has to start.
Thanks about the weather update. I'm moving, it sucks here weather wise. NC007, are there any job openings selling coconuts on a beach near you??
M2L
M2L
ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06
Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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LG,
Heeeeeeeeyyyy enjoy lunch with W.
Glad your weather is 65 here its 88 approx. Good to see you friend!
thank you for your perspective on the stich man.
going to check out oswald.
Hey M2L maybe you should too.
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no M2L but we could use a back up singer for our reggae festival soon. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
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Man I can't sing. Maybe a if there was a 5 or 6 drink min for the customers first.
I'll look up Os as well
M2L
M2L
ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06
Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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Hi there double-oh!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I am a GREAT backup singer, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />even sober (M2L, you're funny- I guess it's the audience that needs to be buzzed, huh! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />) I have been so heartened to see the bits of progress your WW is making. It really is a day to day process, isn't it? Remember, she's doing lots of soul searching and wondering about herself and what she's done. And you have come so far! That is one of the things I wonder about BS's- you work and work and finally your WS starts coming around a bit, it must be hard to keep up plan A for a long time and not see much, but then when you do see, I can see the feeling being, "Gee, was it worth getting her/him back?" Because you have done such a good plan A and made changes within yourself and you're maybe not seeing the changes in your WW like you're seeing them in yourself. But give her time. That truly does help. Remember, she's several!! steps behind you. Give her a chance to catch up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
Me FWW 36
BH 50
D-day 1 2/18/06
D-day 2 3/28/06 (same EA)
NC 3/28/06 and going strong
7 total children
Mine/ours live with us
DS 15
DD 12
DD 21 months
"With all it's shams, lies, and broken dreams, life is still wonderful. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."
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Hi NC, It looks like you've been making good progress w/ your WW. She's VERY lucky to have you. And it looks like she's starting to realize it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ~ Marsh
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For NC and M2L,
If you choose to believe that God didn't allow in his design for us to carry what was too much for us...and if you live from that belief...you'll understand that parts of you are not dead...they are dormantly recuperating from what shocked them to your bones...and that's a step in healing.
And if you believe you carry more than you can bear...put it down...some of it is coming from your own perception...maybe your wishful child, wishing it wouldn't have happened...that wishful desire to go back to pre-A, when you were happy...and I know your adult selves wouldn't, given what was occurring in your wives...you wouldn't go back to that...and you said so, NC...
You're in the inbetween...in recovery...you want the unsurety to stop, because you feel pain from uncertainty and it's been a long while of uncertainty--full of shocks to your belief system...
Focus on sadness and mourning...to benefit yourself and your marriage. Understand you, as a human, grieve losses...of what happens and what doesn't...
Loss from expectations, maybe a hidden belief that when the A ends, recovery happens quickly...or recognition of your pain, or something...or blind trust is restored...we all can be wishful...and knowing when we are doing that we generate a lot of pain inside of us...we can stop.
Mourn your losses, inside and out. Sadness is healing...get on that road of personal recovery which takes a lot of internal focus...not measuring your spouses...find out where the urge to measure is coming from inside you...
Know your own stuff...notice YOUR love bank, if you're blocking any deposits from fear...awareness leads to grieving well...stay aware. Stay present. Congratulate yourself on your bravery and courage...to stay true to yourself, your choices and your marriage. When you notice your emotions beginning to roil, check and see where your thoughts are dwelling...in the past? The future? Check where your focus is...if you're allowing it to be on your FWW's thoughts (that you don't know), feelings, perceptions or beliefs...and assuming them. Pain-creators.
And see their choices...all of them...for each contact with you, connection, effort...they are choosing. Acknowledged that. And acknowledge your own.
You can do this...have faith before experience here...verify no contact as you need to...vigilance is not a trust-buster...it's a trust-builder.
In the future, you may be able to replace the triggers with new memories...takes time, healing, owning and knowing...I noticed this week when we went out to dinner, we named two restaurants where we have replaced triggers...we know them, don't feel them...are grabbed and beaten by them...just acknowledged...and we ended up at another, where after we were there, we remembered when we were there last...and two years ago...and it hurt and we held hands and eyes, and ordered, and loved, anyway.
Nice evening for us both. Mourning is healing. Eventually, you'll be able to heal all the strands together...begin that journey on the big ones now...so you can lead and know and support when they begin, too.
LA
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Ms. Rob, Ahhhhhhh.....good to hear from you. Sorry bout not replying sooner, was not near a computer all weekend. i will give you the album i want you to practise from <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> . A Bob Marley Classic. "Could you be loved" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I keep forgeting that it is a day to day search for her, come to think of it i thought that it should have come in an instant with a bang, and she just says sorry and we move on. ***I can see the feeling being, "Gee, was it worth getting her/him back?" ** i cannot deny Ms.R that i have been feeling this way sometimes. I look at my DS and say to myself that he needs the stability, and i will do any and everything for him to have that. you said something about the changes that we dont see immediately in a WW, and their soul searching. My WW has moments over the weekend where she is depressed and she doesnt want to talk too much, then i become on the inside frustrated because i want to help and now she is locked into her own "cubicle." Finally patience.........i have none........honestly. Giving her time is going to be hard for me.I dont know how to take things one day at a time. nice that she calls me when i am on the road though....it is a good feeling. thanks Ms. R for the admonishment.
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The hardest miles to finish are at THE END OF THE MARATHON...
You have to KEEP ON PUSHING, NC..because YOU ARE A WINNER...
If it helps, think of doing this FOR YOUR SON because he does need his Mom...and needs to grow up in an INTACT FAMILY..
She is in there somewhere, NC... struggling to FREE HERSELF from the DEMONS...
(((((NC)))))
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Hi MM, I soooo missed you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> how are you doing? hope all is getting better! MM i just want to be there for her, but sometime i get insenced when she gets depressed and looking as if she is thinking about the OM. Then again i might be DJing her. Please continue to give your valuable insight and "2 x 4" as needed. I pray that this thread will give hope to many as the stich unfolds itself. All of last week it was very good! almost too good! then this weekend....it sorta flopped about. She has exam in 6 days and she is anxious......also depressed. then i am in a spot because i dont know what to do. i want her to realize that i am there for her no matter what. then i wonder if she truly doesnt love me anymore.......it does cross my mind. MM.....good ta see ya!
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mimimimimimimimimimimmimi!!!!!!!!!!!!
hello mimi!
(((mimi))))))
guess what!
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I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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I sent WW some roses friday, just for the heck of it...and i didnt call her..
then i got this response.
********************************
Thank you for the flowers. I will thank you better when I get home Saturday evening !!!!
Wife
******************************
my folkes you read right.
wife.
i was estatic to say the least, until she woke up depressed
Saturday morn. and even moreso Saturday evening.
She was at SIL house the whole time trying to prepare for her exams.
I honestly need to learn this patience thing........
Still on the roller coaster right?
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NC:
Had a nice long post to you and M2L last week that blew up when my Internet went bad.
Remember something. That sometimes, actions have nothing to do with the A. Your W may be withdrawn this past W/e because she has the big test coming up.
Do you think that she truly doesn't love you anymore?
Start defining what it means to have her love you. A kiss, a Hug, Coffee in the morning, etc.
And remember that this is the time when you have to stay the course. You are winning, and you can pull her back in. She's getting closer, she just needs to know that you aren't going away.
Ok?
LG
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Oh my, NC, what kind of board will I have to find to beat some sense into you?
Time to work on NC...
Take the FOCUS off of your FWW and begin work on NC...
Helping him to develop PATIENCE and SELF-CONFIDENCE...
You want your wife to be in WITHDRAWAL, NC...
WITHDRAWAL is a GOOD THING...
WITHDRAWAL indicates NO CONTACT....
SHE NEEDS TO SUFFER....
Step back and allow this to happen...
FOCUS ON YOURSELF and YOUR OWN HEALING....
Read over and over what LOVING ANYWAY has to say to you...
There is GOLD in that MESSAGE....
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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