Uh-oh, 007, Mimi is coming after you with a 4x8 sheet of plywood <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />!!! And she's totally right!

Now it's all about you! And you know what? I truly believe that things that happen to us are in part to teach us something we need to learn.

Maybe patience for you????? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

ouch.......(slap) arggghh(slap)..........yikes(slap!)

ok,ok, i get the point.........

LG,Mimi...somtimes i can forget my own "plank" in my eye (love is PATIENT) and keep looking at the speck in hers.

thanks guys,

LA thanks for your HUMBLING post to both M2L and myself.

I think i need to learn the word humility. thanks for your insight.

I am greatful to know you guys really care.

gotta work now.will check in later!!!!!!!

nuff luv from Jamaica!

LA, i re read your post.

4 times actually.

you do relate you do know this and my arrogance. My almost self righteousness and pain.

the realization that i dont live in a perfect world.


just to sum up what i feel..............



thank you.

I just wanted to thank all FWS for their invaluable input in helping my family stay together. I prayed to God for help, part of that help came in the form of this board.

I have grown and still so much to learn .

Truly i am especially greatful to all FWS and even those trying hard to get there helping me understand what I need to be and become.

to Mimi,Owl,2long,SO,MM,Ms.W,M2L,FNM,Ator,LG, Mrs.R, LA, Pepperband, Coachwife, JS,RLT, ILF, Mr.Goodstuff, Bob pure.....aw ****** .......all ya all.

I seek advice so much that i never stop to just say ....from the overwhelming joy and humility from my heart.

thank you.

Day to day my stich will change, and i will not allow what i have become to disappear into the night, i will not give up my childs future without a fight, for all whats right,true ,pure and noble, ........for all who have fallen in this battle, for all those who may still have hope..................may God give me strength,because i will never surrender.

thanks again

from my family. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

NC.

good morning everyone ,

just asking ......how long on average or what factors may cause a WW to swing in her moods.

I ask because WW seems to be "talking under the table" instead of talking O& H to me.
Something about her doing this program and geetting her degree and how it is normal for all humans to think this way,the way of self actualization....those who settle is taking a lazy way of thinking.

I am not qualified in the things i do.But i am getting there. I couldnt help think she took a pot shot at me.

I could be wrong too.

Even during withdrawal do they become still angry and STILL want to paint you in an evil / lazy / not my love way?

I dont mind being a rock / lighthouse......it is just that of late when these things happen i dont know how to deal with them. Do i ask her "Is this how she views me?" , Do i leave it alone (water off a ducks back).

What do i do?

LEave it alone, imho. Feelings are so transient. She may not even know she is doing it! And you may be reading more into it than really is there.

As I was going through withdrawl it was mood swing city! Add in "that time of the month" and WHAMMY!! Who knew what I would be doing?????? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> So please just let it slide. In most cases- unless you see other signs that may indicate she got an OM "fix" you should probably just let it go.

Did you ever see the movie "Sneakers" with Robert Redford, Sidney Poitier, Dan Ackroyd and a whole bunch of others?
" Be a Beacon." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

That is funny if you saw the movie, my favorite movie after Gone with the Wind!

Ya know Ms.R, I never saw that movie......gonna look it up though.

So yes, i am going to leave it alone. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

i thought so. Just dont want to be a throw rug (upgraded doormat) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

man its 70 degrees here..........cool. overcast clouds and lush green hills(everytime the rain falls the hills looks washed). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Not going to threadjack, just wanted to say that "Sneakers" is one of my favorite movies too. Also starring Mary MacDonald, River Phoenix, and David Straithairn. A great cast...

Now back to you...

silentlucidity!

welcome ........really glad to have you! any input you may have i gladly appreciate too.

you have the dogs?

Thanks for the hearty welcome, nc007! Yup, I have the dogs; they've actually been great for me. Since I read the book by Cesar Milan (The Dog Whisperer), things have been looking up with them (the greyhound, Lucas, was doing MUCHO #! in the house, but he is a retired racer, so I didn't expect him to just ease right into my life, as WH did, but that's anohter story). I do have a song for your situation. It's by SADE, and it is pretty poignant, especially in your situation, it goes along with the whole "Be a beacon'

Silent:

SADE..favorite singer of the FOW....

SADE sings "THEIR SONGS"... "THIS IS NO ORDINARY LOVE".... "THE SWEETEST TABOO"....YUCK....

WOW, did I love TRASHING that SADE CD I found in his CD PLAYER.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

You triggered me tonight, GF..but I still luv ya...

(((((Mimi)))))

I'm so sorry about the trigger. I'm triggered by another album by 'Coldplay' that my WH and OW listened to and dissected together (I intercepted an email betwee the two of them, YUCHHHKKKK).

I liked the song because the message of love, not lust, is very clear. It's more universal, and can apply to friends, family and loved ones alike.

I know that you've probably heard this over and over by the many that you have helped here, but I love you for being here so often and truly showing love and compassion for those of us still in the trenches. None of us are perfect, but some people are naturals for caring, and that is you. Thanks for being here...

Thanks for the kind words to me. I really appreciate it them a lot.

It's REALLY OK about the trigger.

It was sooo coincidental that you mentioned SADE....

mimi! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

sorry about them trigger(s) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

silentlucidity! funny thing about song issues.......the AMA was on last night and Beyonce performed her song "to the left"......WW comments after the song was "i know you could replace me in a minute"

i responeded "Why would i want to do that?" then continue helping her with her project.

seems like she is perpetually at war with the insides of herself.

No trace of contact with OM. not like i can monitor the office lines though.

you know what i have become more aware of ?.........resentment........alot of it.

Mimi it is almost like the shock of the D day has worn off, and i remember the late nights out, the blatant calls in the house, the rushing off to go watch the national dance theatre with OM and the weekends alone with DS.

It hits me often, (the memories) and i am fighting to contain it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I think this is what she is afraid of. alot of times she ask me whats on my mind.

mimi,anybody, how do you deal with the flashbacks? and the rage inside that accompany them?

NC

I have seen my own recovery, and that of many other BS follow predictable steps. The steps or stages may be similar but the timelines are very different. Also, once the full set has been run through, stages can be selected in seemigly random fashion.


1.- Devastation.
Fear, shock, confusion, existential pain. Loss of hopes, dreams and every assumption about God and man.
D-day and just afterwards. Don't want to go there again, ever.

2.- Appeasement.
OK, I've been dealt a [email]cr@p[/email] hand, but if she will at least stay home SOME of mt life support systems may at least function a bit.

3.- Indignation.
F'k that ! I'm stronger now and i WILL NOT suck up any more pain than I have to. Still scared, but not settling for crumbs.
This is where MB gets SERIOUSLY assimilated and applied. Turns hatred on OM as being to blame for affair.

4.- Gratitude.
The affair is ended, WW sends NC letter, exposure scares OM into darkness. THANK YOU GOD ! LA LA LA LA LA ! Still suspects FWS motivations for coming home, i.e comfort not love.

5.-"Advising others how to be wonderfully recovered like I am"

We have like SF 3 times a day, and a restored marriage is a decent possibility again and I am so PATHETICALLY grateful to not be in the deepest [email]cr@p[/email] imaginable I am hyper-happy. Yessiree, no recovery problems for me !This is it for ever and it only took us x months ! Secretly suspects FWS motivations for coming home, i.e comfort not love.

6.-"Ah, theres an elephant in the sitting room"

So day to day life has been OK for a while now. SF, even maybe some ILYs. Kids are happy. Life is ACTUALLY not happier than for years but it is so much better than during the dark times of the affair and withdrawal that it seems that way. But you start to notice the 'elephant' in the sitting room : the enormous baggage of the affair that the BS has been previously too 'fight or flight' or psychotically happy to address. Suspects FWS motivations for coming home, i.e comfort not love.

7.- "I am angry and I don't need you so whY am I here ?"

BS has operated in a loveless and hurt world for so long is now amost completely self sufficient. Is no longer even slightly desperate.Instead resentment builds . Does not NEED FWW as whole life support mechnanism has HAD to regrow without her while she betrayed and sulked over the months. Feels indignation at both the insult of the affair AND the insult of FWW not contributing HARD to recovery. Feels like an ATM machine and bodyguard and hugely taken for granted. KNOWS FWS still loves OM.

8. - What about MY needs ?

BS has developed a sense of self worth independent of what others think. Has had to. Thinks he deserves MUCH more affection, admiration respect, gratitude. " I didn't put this amount of effort in just to be nagged at all the time, and never be praised. I deserve MORE than that!." The kids happiness at a stable family quells thoughts of rebellion. realises OM was just an amoral scumbag who made the most of an opportunity FWW offered him, 100% of the blame for the A is FWW. This hits hard.Resentment now as big as a labrador on the BS lap whle driving.

9. - Resignation

The kids are happy, I am not unhappy, FWW is happy, this is just my lot in life. Better get on with it. Denialof resentment.

10.- make or break drive to get a M the BS deserves.

An effort from BS to challenge the peaceful but unsatisfying status quo in an attempt to get BS needs met.


Resentment is a theme in a lot of this, mate.

Recognise what you feel as valid, and as normal for a recovering BS and it will lose its ability to hurt you as much.

all blessings

BP,

It is good to know that my feeling isnt "worse " than other BS. I dont think i could handle any detail of the SF in the A or where they went.

I guess that all things take time.

how is london? I always admired "the few" during the battle of britain.(I am an avid aviation fan,military aviation)

hope to visit there soon.

cheers mate!

London is a two hour nasty drive south from me ! It was OK last time I was there ! MY home town is crisp, and the trees are shaking the leaves out of their hair for Autumn.

Be glad to be down your neck of the woods at Christmas -in Grenada <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

PS my uncle,Roy Boot, worked on the designs of several military aircraft and wrote a fine book on the subject "from Spitfire to Eurofighter".

looking up that book on the net.

bob,
what was your time span before your W started to "warm up" to your love? Just curious. i know that its early days for me but i just want to have an idea of the timeframe.

Hi NC,

Just wanted to stop by and say hello. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Tell me, do you celebrate Thanksgiving?

What's the temperature there today?

It's hailing here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />


~ Marsh

ouch MM hail?

so sorry lil' sis. Let me tell you it is COLD here!

the tempreature is in the 60 - 70 degree range and add the wind chill factor..........brrrrrrrrrrr!!

Jamaica look like new yourk before snowing.

mm how long does it take before WW thinks about SF? i can be patient but even after 10 years i still have the hots for WW.

WW says now and again that i am going to dump her based on all she does.

how do you convince otherwise?