Yep...same for me M2L...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mimi,LA and NC,

It does feel real good to kinda take a step back and listen. I don't feel like I'm doing the pulling when I act in the manner as I did last night.

Yes NC, it does feel like it moves you closer together. New bling from the wife???? nice

M2L

Me three. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Morning all.

~ Marsh

But I do think its' more important for a woman to FEEL LOVED and for a man to FEEL RESPECTED....

A woman FEELS LOVED when her man LISTENS to her..

A man FEELS RESPECTED when his woman LISTENS to him...

It was soooo important for me to GET THIS....

The other day I was telling my DH how I felt about something...and he started to talk me out of my feelings, and I asked him to please don't do that. Then I told him what I wanted him to say to me (a simple acknowledgement of my feelings) He said exactly what I told him to.

And I felt respected, loved, and accepted all at once.

We both laughed, and he said, "Is THAT all?" And I said "yup." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good stuff.

Now I'm catching myself doing the same thing for him. No more trying to change his mind, feelings, or thoughts.


It is incredibly freeing!


~ Marsh

Now is the time i just want to shup up and listen all the more.............sometime there is that fear in the back of my mind that,with all this new spirit that has emerged from within me.......i might still loose her without WW getting the full appreciation of that i have become.

like i said sometimes its just a fear.

she sounds warmer on the phone to me now though.

This is good i guess......funny how she is waiting for me to kick her out when i am afraid of her walking out on me.

really do hate these roller coaster feelings...bet you it gets better later on.

LA, mimi.......ahhh what does one do when WW makes suggestive comments and looks on you when you are in your "birthday suit". Do i initiate or still let her take the lead.?

Any suggestions for us boys as to what to get as a christmas gift for our DCWW (darling confused wayward) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

What would your wife consider to be ROMANTIC?

I would recommend saying: "I love it when you look at me that way...makes me wanna..."

AND/OR....HUG HER....

Do you know that this IS INITIATING????

Call her now even and tell her how you liked that...

Don't tell US...(JUST KIDDING)....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Marsh,

This is one thing that I did pre Plan A. I would try to talk my wife out of her feelings and try to make her see that my way was the only way. My wife told me after dday that this was one thing that bugged her about me and that OM just let her talk and would not try to change her mind - he just listened.

How dumb could I have been???

M2L

M2L,

You weren't dumb at all.

Dumb would have been to have known what you know now and not do it.

Respecting other people's choices is amazing stuff.

When your WW changes her mind about what she wants in such dramatic ways it is better for YOU not fret about what she's saying, just accept her feelings at the moment as HERS and keep YOURS.

Easy cheesy.

No more arguing.

Just respecting.

And it's that respecting that will renew your WW feelings for you again.

It's impossible not to be blown away from respect.

~ Marsh

Call her now even and tell her how you liked that...

Don't tell US...(JUST KIDDING)....


(with a mischevious smile and a pulling up of my pants ......i NC decided to take this challenge.
The heartbeat is loud enough...first ring,..second ring....the click of a handle lifted....it begins.)

WW: hello

me:Seasons Greetings

WW: What are you up to?

me: *whispering* Can you hear me?

WW :yeah? (knew that her interest peaked)

me:*whispering* you cannot look at me that way.Your eyes gave me a warm time here....

WW: You looking somthing?

me::*whispering* NO...just saying be careful how you look at me. You are not unattractive you know.

WW : *smiling*(You can hear it in her voice) You are at work You better leave all this foreplay till we reach home.

me:*normal voice*(changing subject) so i am glad we can come to a conclusion. keep up the good work.

WW: *still grinning* Later

me: OK catch you later.


I guess it was a good convo. wont call her for the rest of the day.

i wondered however last night if she was getting a ring for herself?

LA, Mimi, MM.....I am sure M2 would like to know as well........how do you keep your mind off thinking about WS during all this time? i mean .........they have hurt us and more on top of that gunk,.......leave us so unprotected from further emotional hurt.

We are basically on our own. How do you keep your mind off her? yet still give?

You see if i give i become attached and very vulnerable.

Maybe i got it wrong......I am trying to fix self, i guess i want to focus on self...yet the daily interaction with WW causes me to focus on her in my mind constantly.

Am i making any sense?

Here is a observation that NST had regarding his personal situation. It is probably the same way that NC007's, M2L's, and my WWs feel. I think NST gets it.

Easy cheesy.

No more arguing.

Just respecting.

And it's that respecting that will renew your WW feelings for you again.

It's impossible not to be blown away from respect.


this says it all.......i cant wait for another convo

Jim,

You have no idea how much weight you have just taken off my shoulders.

Thanks buddy.

Yes Jim,

When my wife starts with the "don't want to be M bit" I tell her that the door is open and she is free to leave. I won't stop her. She tells me that she is looking for a house to move to. She hasn't.

She does talk about a GF of hers that is having problems with her H drinking. She says that if it was that bad she would have left by now. So I know how she feels about if it is too bad you would leave.

thanks
M2L

The old you, M2L, would tell her the door is open and she's free to leave...the new you, the one who acts from respect (instead of reacting from fear)...would say,

"I hear you saying you don't want to be married, is that correct?"

The door has been open from the first "I do" and she has been free to leave at any second, every moment along...and she hasn't. That is for you to now, into your heart...and live from. You have chosen to stay every moment since your wedding...and you're choosing today. Today, she is choosing your marriage, though she desires to flee, feels stress...she's sharing what she feels, not what she's choosing. Know that.

You said:

"This is one thing that I did pre Plan A. I would try to talk my wife out of her feelings and try to make her see that my way was the only way. My wife told me after dday that this was one thing that bugged her about me and that OM just let her talk and would not try to change her mind - he just listened."

By believing you could talk your wife out of her feelings, to change her feelings...you annihilated your wife...because her stuff is only hers...and you took her stuff as if it was yours to control. And vice versa. Our essence, who we are, is in our own stuff. Our actions and choices are in a separate realm...to be judged. Not our essence.

Now you know this...and you will know when others do this to you, as well...you're making great choices right now...which is all anyone alive has...please do not follow up this great choice with...

"How dumb could I have been???"

a severely abusive DJ to yourself...

Because what you permit yourself to do to self, you will do to others...as you did with your permission to try to change, judge her stuff...please revoke permission to DJ anywhere...in your head, your heart, toward others or self...increase the judgment, decreases acceptance.

NC & M2L

Now...how do we choose our thoughts? First, know you choose where you dwell...and where you dwell is where your treasure is...I used to get this backwards...divining myself from my thoughts...rather than choosing what to think and when.

When your mind goes where you can't know...what your WW was doing in the jewelry store, and your brain automatically handed you a thrilling image...her buying you a love piece...and then it handed you the image of her buying for herself or OM...from fear...when you get the thought, you have a ten-second choice to make...bless the image and put it out of your mind and say, "I don't want that. I don't know. Unless I choose to clarify or confirm, I cannot know." If you go longer than ten seconds, your brain will hand you all the emotions resulting from that image, from your temporary belief...learn to be aware of your thoughts...they don't tell you where your treasure is...you tell them.

When you go to images, sounds of the A, bless them and send them on their way, "I don't want that." Replace them with images of your family, whole and together...your reality right now. Sink into reality as your comfort zone, your secure point...it is...during the A's...reality feels like an enemy...it isn't, wasn't.

Choose your thoughts...choose your treasure...and best choice...share them..."At first, I got excited you asked me not to go in the jewelry store...and then I felt great fear...from the thought that..." Own and share. Doesn't accuse, attack or ask for answers..."I'm working on being comfortable in knowing that I don't know yet, rather than getting that false security in DJing and making up stuff to self-soothe."

These are O&H drivebys...they are statements which commit you to intimacy, in action. Brave and true. Match those to listen and repeat...your own thoughts, spoken...verifies you matter, are of value...to yourself...and says to your partner, "I want to know you and be known. I love you."

NC...you took that weight off your own shoulders by choosing to believe Jim's post...GREAT CHOICE...(great post)...reality is your harbor...stay in it. Look at what you believe when you get yucky feelings...identify fear and trace it...you'd be surprised how many old beliefs you have from fear...which you no longer believe...you have a lot of new beliefs...(like what Jim explained) and you won't react from them until you act from them, again and again, and train your brain through repetitive choice...This is what I believe!

Lots and lots of freeing, uplifting, soaring moments in your lives...great awareness in knowing and sharing that feeling NC. More where that came from!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

LA

Please remind me why it isnt the best thing to say ILY at this point in time?

I sometimes do want to express it.

If you choose to say ILY to hear it...don't say it.

If you desire to express your love by saying rather than acting on it...don't say it.

If you desire to delight in your own choice to love...not from her earning or you giving to get...then SHOUT IT!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

That was my rule of thumb.

LA

NC:

You DID say ILY in that "whisper" over the phone today..

She SMILED..she FELT loved....


You DESIRED her...she FELT loved...

What's important for her is to FEEL it..not to HEAR you SAY it...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

wow..........can i say it again?......... wow

if i dont follow up with actions tonite (probably based on what she does...) will that dent / set us back any?

You see i dont want to pressure her into doing anything.

And yes...i really do feel love for her. Not SF love, but a deep caring love to express that she is special.