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I guess I'm maybe being disrespectful in ASSUMING that NC's wife is alot like me..I kind of relate to her...liking the music and pampering and stuff... If my H asked me to do "communication exercises", I personally would find that to be UNATTRACTIVE...and, honestly, a turn-off..I would think of him as "Playing" counselor with me..You know what I mean?..it maybe because I've been in lots of therapy..know about it...kwow what those are about... This is not condemning you or criticizing what you do at all, LA..I admire you and your H for being able to do that..but it would not work for US and that is why I was concerned about this for NC's wife..who had a ROMANTIC AFFAIR that she is healing from.... I don't really CONSIDER it RELATIONSHIP talk..but she will know that HE is encouraging her to WORK on their RELATIONSHIP... I really believe in structure when we feel emotionally messy. But this is NC IMPOSING structure at this time...early in Recovery...OOOOHH..seems dangerous..I see her as STILL FOGGY... As Steve says, this is a time when RECREATION needs to be RECREATION...FUN..FUN..FUN... But NC, what do you think? You know your wife better than we do.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />Still dodging the sun....
Last edited by mimi1254; 12/08/06 12:31 PM.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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This quote from Dr. Harley infers what I'm getting at but I've read him speak to the NEED FOR SAFETY TO TALK somewhere. To me, it seems that NC's wife remains in WITHDRAWAL..a real tricky, DIFFICULT, DIFFICULT TIME, accounting for her SADNESS...and ANXIETY.... During withdrawal, there is not much your husband can do to deposit love units into your Love Bank. But it still makes sense for you to be together as much as possible. That's because the more you are with him, the less you will be tempted to contact your lover. Try to have lunch together, talk on the telephone several times a day, and be sure to spend evenings and weekends together.
In many cases, I have suggested that a husband and wife go on a three-week vacation together during the first few weeks of withdrawal, just to help the wayward spouse avoid contacting the former lover. I tell these couples not to expect too many love units to be deposited, but by getting away from the reminders of the lover, they find that such a vacation greatly reduces the time it takes for withdrawal. Besides, the distractions of a vacation can often compensate for the depression that accompanies withdrawal, and makes the experience much less painful.
If you go with your husband on this vacation, you will not feel like being very romantic with him. He should expect very little from you, because you will be recovering from your addiction to your lover. It's only after the craving for your lover subsides, and your depression lifts that you will be able to give your husband the opportunity to deposit all the love units it takes for you to be in love with him again.
Of course, your husband must be careful to avoid making matters worse by saying and doing anything that would upset you. Granted, he may not be very happy about your affair, but if he wants you to love him again, he must avoid withdrawing love units at all costs. He must be with you as much as possible, yet avoid, anger, disrespect and demands which are all Love Busters. He must also be careful to take your feelings into account whenever you make decisions. I guess I was thinking that the request for "communication exercises" might be interpreted as a DEMAND.....
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Yes mimi WW was very much into a romantic affair.
I read SH passage and i must say that WW is having her hangups.......i gently ask if there was anything wrong and she just shrugs her shoulders. Then would reply what makes you think there is something wrong?
Her moods are all over the place.
the exercise of getting her to talk then me talking would trip her out totally.
She told me that she would of liked to be married to a man who could and would take her dancing.(cant dance to save my life)
this is the stich i find myself in at times.
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NC,
Time to sign up for dance lessons!!!
Seriously!
What have you been waiting for?
Do you have any idea how many Love deposits you could make just by taking lessons???
~ Marsh
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*****the call several times a day******
Gee..........i dont know.
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She told me that she would of liked to be married to a man who could and would take her dancing.(cant dance to save my life) You see...I knew your wife and I are SOULMATES..maybe we are related... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> My H still won't do the dance lessons..but he has become more ROMANTIC..since his A...YUK... If you do the dance lessons, YOU WILL BE OVER THE TOP in LOVE DEPOSITS..my man... If you knew how to dance, you wouldn't need lessons... Do you have a way to play music in your bedroom????? Ask her JUST TO SLOW DANCE with you...OVER THE TOP....I even permit you to PLAY SADE.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Why not buy lessons for you and your W for a dance your W doesn't know how to do, for Christmas?
~ Marsh
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*****the call several times a day****** My H did this on his own and continues to do this..but he LOVES to talk... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I think it's important to MAKE YOURSELF AVAILABLE for her calls at all times...if you can ...given your job....
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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see me try to dance tonite!!
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MM !!
Hey girl! what is going on in your neck of the woods?
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i am gonna give her a buzz later....sent her a card and she loved it.
good at least.
LA.......whats your temp like? hope you are ok.
thanks so much for your insights.
she also likes cucumber juice (she hasnt had that for years)
i am going to make her some.
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Romantic affair...
All of ours were those kind...including WH saying, "But she's my first love!!" Having been sleeping with her three weeks...and us married 16 years...
I remember the fog and how deep it gets...I don't advise, either, playing shrink at all...at any point. Nor asking, "Something wrong?" EVER. Respect your spouses enough to demonstrate you know it's their choice to share...so when they do...you can appreciate you have no power over making them.
Definitely behind the dance lessons...my DH was the same on dancing (danced a lot while wooing and then nuttin' afterwards)...and yes, he asked if I to take ballroom dancing lessons with him one year into recovery...we haven't...just the asking was awesome. We will, though, I think...
And yes, I went played darts, pool, air hockey...a lot during the withdrawal...took him away for four days to a mountain motel with a private hot tub and sauna...even though he felt it was cheating on his OW...he later says it was really lovely to feel loved by me again.
Harley's advice is sound...RC time to remind us we're companions...seeing new sights together for the first time reminded us of being together those first years...
The don't's were important, also...do not dig with questions...volunteer your own O&H drivebys...hold yourself to doing them for you...and example what you're learning yourself...stay present and respectful.
My experience is different, as WH went to MC with me early on...not to save the marriage, but to figure out if he even wanted the marriage. I think it was groundbreaking because we both committed to going and went...with totally different goals stated out loud. Before, we would wrestle each other to believe, think or feel the same as we did...out of fear.
LA
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Isn't it WONDERFUL how God made us all different..yet so much the same???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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NC:
Start dancing Man!
She will not think one moment about OM while you are in lessons. And the spillover thinking of you goes well before and after... Think about that.
I square dance with BS. We have alot of fun. It is family time as 14 year old dances too. (And I grew up the the big city!)
Go for it. She keeps asking, and you Plan A her right to the Arthur Murray studio....
And hey, I dance like Elaine on Seinfeld when I'm not square dancing....
LG
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So dancing it is!
doing so tonite! sorta like a mini date tonite.
spoke to a friend of hers and LG,LA,Mimi, MM....get this...she said that i am now what she wanted all along.
But she doesnt believe in my love, her friend said if i was in her shoes the n how can you love someone who SLEPT with someone else?
She is waiting for me to let her guards down then i dump her.
You know i shuddered with dread when i remembered that she went the weekend away on her birthday with "friend".snooped and found out that OM called her 5:30 in the morning.
It caused me to become sick........
How could a wife and mother...leave her child, and SLEEP with OM to celebrate her birthday, then come home to me grumpy?
i just remembered. I never even thought about digging it up........guess i was on auto pilot.
damn!!!!!!.It hurt.
honestly........where is the justice in this?
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I guess her friend saying to me that she hasnt slept with him since the wadding is not the besty thing she could have said.
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and how the heII could she now have her "down,grumpy time..and what...i must feel sorry for her?"
yes it is my taker rising to the occassion. Just want to tell her off and leave........that memory was suppressed and it just popped to the front of my mind........
It really HURTS!!!!
My DS cried.......then, She celebrated her Bday with OM...
I think it is hurt and ANGRY.
why should i care how she is feeling now?
i am sorry...just venting.
Is this PTSD?
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MM !!
Hey girl! what is going on in your neck of the woods? It's FREEZING here!! Wind chill makes it feel as though it's below zero. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Are you gonna sign up for dance lessons? Come on, NC, get out of your comfort zone and S T R E T C H for your woman! LOL @ the image in my mind of LG square dancing like Elaine!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ~ Marsh
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NC: Chill man. Sometimes the true horrors of what I did sometimes to BS, and the times I did them, its amazing that she hangs in there with me. But, I ain't the same guy who did those things. Just like your W is slowly divesting herself of those things that she did. The convo that she had with her friend that was passed on? That was good. That's where she is realizing the extent of her errors. Let her know, when it is appropriate, that you like the woman she is becoming, and that you could have left the woman she was, but not the one that is coming back. Ok? And Marsh, square dancing doesn't allow the wild flailing that is Elaine dancing.... Sorry! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />
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and how the heII could she now have her "down,grumpy time..and what...i must feel sorry for her?"....
why should i care how she is feeling now?
i am sorry...just venting.
Is this PTSD? NC, You don't have to be sorry for what she's going through. If she chooses to be unhappy, don't worry about it. Let her be unhappy. ~ Marsh
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